VizMarch 2023的目錄

IF ONE Barnsley man has Amur leopards living in his loft, it’s likely that many other homes in the United Kingdom are similarly infested. And whilst the chance of being ripped apart and killed by these beasts in your own home is fortunately rare, there is still a slim possibility that it could happen. We’ve teamed up with spiky-haired TV naturist CHRIS PACKHAM to bring you some handy Top Tips on protecting yourself from Amur leopard attacks in the home… AMUR leopards feed on small mammals, so adult humans are probably too big to be looked upon as prey. If you have small children, make sure they wear a large coat around the house. If they come into contact with a leopard, they should hold the coat open like a…

WHEN WE hear the word romance, the first name that comes to mind is that of plummy-voiced film director Richard Curtis. Curtis and Romance are synonymous, and the left-leaning moviemaker has melted the planet’s hearts time and again with his quirky, quintessentially British rom-coms, such as Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill and Love Actually. But how does Curtis himself treat the person HE claims to ‘love, actually’? With the help of my new hi-tech drone, I aim to find out. Arriving outside the Blackadder icon’s swanky West London home at 7am on February 14th, I switch my drone on and carefully pilot it over his garden fence. The camera is synched up to my mobile phone, so I can see everything my airborne android assistant sees. Scanning the…

IN THESE SICKENING times of ‘woke’ political correctness, it’s not only men who are permitted to perform romantic gestures on Valentine’s Day – women can too! You literally couldn’t make it up. And as a proudly outspoken ‘feminist’, Beeb icon Fiona Bruce probably believes that men and women are ‘equal’. But does this ‘equality’ extend to the Question Time fave sweeping her hubby off his feet on February 14th? Breaking news! Does it BOLLOCKS. Having slipped past the filth that Barlow called on me, I head straight for Bruce’s palatial two-storey mansion nearby. Arriving just after lunch, I have a quick check on my Richard Curtis video (15 million views and rising), before once again powering up my trusty drone and flying it over Fiona’s fence. Straight away, I spot four…

SHROVE Tuesday is the culmination of Shrovetide, the two week festival in the Christian calendar when, just like Christmas, families can get together to celebrate. However, unlike Christmas, instead of exchanging gifts, eating nice food and engaging in merry-making, Shrovetide involves eating plain meals and sitting in silence with your loved ones, thinking about your sins. This austere festival enjoyed its heyday in the late Victorian era. When the Queen’s beloved husband Albert died, the whole nation joined their monarch in being miserable for four decades. Shrovetide, the period of rigorous reflection, repentance and confession, captured the mood of the bereaved population and became more popular than Christmas and second only to Lent, the subsequent 40 day celebration of parsimony and self-denial. Britain is unique in celebrating Shrove Tuesday by…

NELSON’S COLUMN has stood proudly in the centre of Trafalgar Square since 1843, commemorating the British victory over the combined fleets of France and Spain at the Battle of Trafalgar. The conflict in the Napoleonic wars cost Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson his life, and his statue stands atop the column, surveying the land for miles around, a fitting tribute from a grateful nation. But how many double-decker buses high is it? We went on the streets to find out what YOU think… …WHEN I was a child, I watched John Noakes climb up Nelson’s column on the TV show Blue Peter. It looked to be about 30 John Noakeses to me, and I reckon a double-decker bus is about 2 and a half John Noakeses, which would make Nelson’s Column…

□ APPARENTLY leopards are all classified as ‘big cats’. But I once saw one at Bristol Zoo that had just given birth to some cubs, and the things were about half the size of my pet moggie at home. Big cats, my arse. Cromwell Ditchwater, Ely □ THEY SAY that no two leopards have the same spots, and that their markings are as individual as fingerprints. This may be important if a leopard commits a burglary and is caught on CCTV, but other than that, I find this to be an utterly useless piece of information. Manfred Ursine, Crewe □ AN ADVERT on the TV last night was asking people to donate money to a scheme to save the endangered snow leopard. These magnificent creatures are under threat from poachers…

THE pride of Britain – our National Health Service – is at breaking point. Every new day brings fresh reports of patients being treated in hospital corridors due to lack of beds or queues of ambulances outside A&E units waiting to hand over their patients. We at Viz firmly believe that each-and-every UK resident needs to step up and do their bit and that’s why we have produced this fun, electronic game to train all ages to perform the NHS’s most popular emergency service – removing foreign objects from the Great British public’s arses – and help ease the daily pressure faced by our brave doctors and nurses.* Viz Arse Operation is a high-tech electronic game for one or more players. Due to its advanced circuit-based design, it may take…

STILL REELING from my horrific experience with Richard Curtis – although pleased that the resulting footage has already reached 100,000 YouTube views – I move on to my next Valentine’s Day subject. Brainbox funnyman David Mitchell keeps us all chuckling with his witty quips on panel shows such as Have I Got News For You? and Would I Lie To You? It’s also well known that the Peep Show fave is a true romantic, head over heels in love with his equally brainy missus Victoria Coren-Mitchell off of Only Connect. So it’s safe to assume that David will have pulled out all the stops for his special someone this Valentine’s Day… Arriving at the Coren-Mitchells’s swanky Hampstead homestead around 9am on February 14th, I fire up my trusty drone and…

COMIC bosses have reacted with horror after the so-called “Millennium bug” finally struck 23 years late, causing the wrong crossword graphic to be printed in the last issue of Viz. The notorious web-based computer fuck-up, which was expected to cause havoc across IT systems at midnight on December 31st 1999, apparently led to the wrong crossword graphic being included on page 41 of the February 2023 issue (Viz 322). Magazine boss Hampton Doubleday told reporters: “This was definitely due to a long-standing IT glitch, and not a combination of lax editorial standards and heavy drinking in the office.” disaster And Doubleday has acted quickly to provide his readers with the correct graphic, which was found on a photocopier amongst a pile of Xeroxes apparently made during a Christmas party. Meanwhile,…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk A1 ring 1. n. The motor racing circuit where they do the Austrian Grand Prix. 2. n. A smashing bonus tunnel with a chicane at turn 2, not to mention the risk of a pile-up. and that’s all I have to say on the matter exclam. Humorous statement following an emphatic trump. Also an excellent theory, Dr Watson; what’s that, Sweep?; anybody injured? bacon factory n. The feminine pig bite. beached ready adj. Looking whale-like in swimwear. ‘Next on the catwalk we have John McCririck, looking beached ready rocking a pair of high-cut microbriefs by Kiniki.’ bear’s paw n. A big hairy twat that leaves you spitting hairs out of your mouth. bellegend n. Someone who has achieved celebrated status at being a bellend. ‘Born on this day: John Dillinger, US criminal, 1903; Meryl Streep,…

Wave goodbye to tap-to-mouth water transportation misery with a stylish Viz aluminium drinking flask! To be in with a chance of winning one, correctly complete the Viz Craptic Crossword above and send it to the address below! Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 323, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email a photo of it to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject The first correct entry out of the hat on THURSDAY 23RD FEBRUARY will win a VIZ COMIC ALUMINIUM DRINKING FLASK, a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. The next 5 entries win the water bottle and pen, but not the money. If you want a pen for nothing, send us a large letter stamp and it’s yours. Winner: Douglas Fairley, Edinburgh Runners…

Your Correspondence to VIZ Editor Hampton Doubleday ST✰R LETTER □ I KNOW our noble NHS is stretched to breaking point at the minute, but the treatment I received recently was nothing short of shocking. If ‘ring sting’ and ‘night farts’ isn’t a legitimate reason to turn up at A&E, then I don’t know what is. And don’t get me started on the abuse I got from the Air Ambulance people. Les Lloyd, email □ I REMEMBER as a boy scout singing some song about a ‘Hayler Shaler’ and a ‘Shalley Walley’ or something. We sung that bit twice and it ended up with ‘Umpah,’ again, twice if I remember correctly. Then the Ging Gang Goolie bit. To be honest, I’ve been to the pub with the lads, it got a…

WHEN shampooing leopards, tranquilise them first as they become extremely aggressive if the soap gets in their eyes. Frampton Ballsup, Tooting A SIX-FOOT section of telegraph pole wrapped in hessian sacking makes an ideal scratching post for a leopard. Dickson Dodson, Wrexham A CLOCKWORK gazelle makes an ideal toy for a playful leopard. Horace Socks, Leeds IF YOU own a pair of leopards and can never tell them apart, simply dye one of them a nonleopard colour, such as blue or purple. Barry Mophead, Luton…

ASK ANYONE on Earth who sings the sweetest love songs and they will always respond with the same two words: Gary Barlow OBE. As the hunky frontman of ‘90s boyband Take That, formerly big-boned Barlow made his name crooning such heart-swelling hits as Babe, Relight My Fire and A Million Love Songs. And despite left-wing attempts to smear Gary over his entirely above board tax arrangements, there is simply no finer purveyor of romantic music on this planet. You would assume, then, that the Cheshire-born vocalist turns his love up to 11 on Valentine’s Day. I intend to find out. I arrive at Gary’s swanky North London mansion around midday. Having refreshed YouTube to see that my video of Richard Curtis moving his bowels is now nearing 4 million views,…

RECEIVE YOUR FIRST 3 MONTHS FOR £3 If you find you simply can’t live without your fix of adult humour, your subscription means you pay as little as £3.49 per issue, instead of £3.95 in the shops. You’ll also receive a FREE Viz tea towel and calendar! ORDER ONLINE TODAY AT shop.viz.co.uk/subscriptions OR CALL 020 8752 8195 OR EMAIL hello@metropolis.co.uk QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZ323P The trial offer will automatically revert to a 6-month direct debit which will auto renew. If you wish to cancel the direct debit offer, please contact us via phone or email. You will be able to view your subscription online at shop.viz.co.uk/login Offer and free gifts are only valid to new UK customers only, one per household and while stocks last. Please allow 6 weeks…

Across 8 Lay something better: description of Melania’s sexual dominance? (9) 10/25 Possible greeting to inflatable fuck buddy in musical (5,5) 11 Dispute in masturbation? (3,2,4) 12 Lure with a dish such as Rachel Riley smothered in baby oil, content of serpent emptied (5) 13/6 Intimate picture of schoolmen tap dancing (4,4,4) 14 One who’s fucked prodded with icicles finally – something afoot in cold weather? (8) 18 Buggered women referring to monthly occurrence (3,4) 20 Constantly, Poles going in with bazoomas exposed? (3-4) 21 Oral stimulation on the West coast of India with king on board punt (4,4) 22 Some moist arsehole* (4) 26 A little 15 down leaving joint (5) 28 Surely admitting first of farts unlikely to hit the mark? (3-6) 29 For starters, humongous, or outrageously…