Remember what it was like being eight years old?
Unless you’re currently nine years old, probably not. Here’s what being eight was like: you were four-foot tall. You had not one pube. You slept in pyjamas. Your hairdo was shit. You were kind of into ‘boobies’, although you weren’t sure why . Sometimes you’d eat sweets until you felt sick, then continue eating sweets. You found farts – the sound of farts, the smell of farts, the very concept of farts – funnier than anything else in existence.
Did that stroll down memory lane leave you nostalgic for those halcyon, pubeless days? Well, tell you what, you can be eight again, and stay like that. because all those noisy, colourful, sugary things you loved back then? everyone’s all over them…