Vizの December/January 2025 の目次

“ Greetings. I shall keep this interruption mercifully short, but I would remind you that should you wish my newsletter to be delivered to your “inbox” each and every five weeks, then point your mouse to https://subscribe.viz.co.uk/sign-up and follow the on-screen instructions. That is all I have to say, except to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas, even though you are undoubtedly reading this issue at some point in November, or early December at the latest, such are the schedules in the world of publishing. ”…

We’re the UK’s #1 DIRECT to your DOOR postal snow service! Just pick your favourite year of blizzards from our fantastic selection – all freshly sourced from specially preserved archive snowbanks at our climate-controlled underground storage facility near Stoke. Or for an extra £200 why not upgrade to our deluxe package? A ton of snow dumped at your door by 5am Christmas Day – GUARANTEED! (please specify the height of snowdrift you want blocking your front door) *If your delivery has settled into sleet or slush in transit – simply refreeze. Order by Dec 19 quoting code ‘WHITEXMAS24’ to ensure delivery by Christmas Day morning! REMINISCI-SNO DIRECT The Old Salt Mine, Permafrost Way, off Whiteout Lane, nr. Stoke-on-Trent…

FORGET the presents, the family and thefestivities – we all agree that the best part of Christmas is the King’s Speech. At 3 o’clock on Christmas day, the nation comes together as one to listen to his majesty’s words of comfort and hope, making us feel safe and secure in an uncertain world. But how different would that world be if Charles was not the king? Because on 10th December 1936, King Edward VIII relinquished his throne to marry American divorcee Wallace Simpson, setting in motion a train of events which led us to where we are today. Had he not abdicated, the ensuing nine decades would have played out in a completely different way, the course of time taking an entirely different route. How different would Britain be in…

EXCLUSIVE! CLOSE friends of pop star Taylor Swift have opened up to the press about how worried they are about the pop superstar. In exclusive interviews filmed during the making of Swift’s new TV series, Extreme Potholing with Taylor Swift, the Look What You Made Me Do hitmaker’s family and friends came forward to vent their concerns about her recent rapid descent into Alum Pot cave in the Yorkshire Dales. terrapin “She’s her own worst enemy. She’s always on the go,” guitarist Jim Spume told documentary makers as Swift was shown manoeuvring herself into a tight crevice under a canopy of sharp, unstable rocks. “I just worry that if she keeps going the way she’s currently going that it won’t end well.” Taylor’s high school friend Cindi Fudge was also…

IN 2021, three Viz readers had their quickest ever Boxing Day bog visit after storyteller Robert Lloyd-Parry gave away 3 copies of his ghost story book. And this year he’s back to banish the festive backlog for three more. This year, Robert is offering three copies of his latest book, Shadows and Gestures – Scripts after MR James, a collection of 14 of the late writer’s spookiest ghost stories, adapted for performance by Lloyd-Parry himself. With this book, you can forget straining on the pot all December 26th trying to shift the previous day’s indulgence – any one of the spooky MR James tales within its covers is guaranteed to void your bowels in an instant.* To win a copy, simply write in and tell us what the MR stands…

DIRECTORS. Roll the starting credits of your TV drama over slowly moving drone footage looking directly down on a forest. It seems to work for every other series on at the moment. Walter Presents, London TENDERISE meat by simply putting it in the washing machine with a brick on the spin cycle. Hans Manmole, Sydney DISCOVER whether your mates secretly think you talk bollocks all the time by going full flat-earth conspiracy theorist on them. If they don’t pick you up on it, then they think you’re “Billy Bullshit”. Mike Tatham, St. Andrews PREMIER League bosses. Make referees wear shirts with only one syllable in the colour. “Who’s the wanker in the orange?” doesn’t scan. Simon Levenson, Hove WHEN opening a new bag of sugar, cut the bag with a pocket knife…

FULCHESTER Council has advised residents going to see this year’s festive illuminations to limit their visits to the main square, after tests confirmed that the town’s Christmas tree is highly radioactive. The tree was a gift from the People’s Committee of Manpo, the North Korean city with which Fulchester is twinned. The committee have sent a tree, harvested from the forest outside the industrial city, to the residents of Fulchester every year since 1998 as a symbol of friendship, but this is the first time it has been found to be radioactive. Speaking on behalf of the council, alderman Athlestone Popkiss said that “significant quantities” of isotopes consistent with the release of materials from a nuclear power plant had been identified on and around the magnificent 50ft Korean Spruce. But he…

Do YOU have a hobby that you love? Are you passionate about something you do for fun? Do YOU want to take all the pleasure out of it and ruin it forever? DON’T just sit at home idly enjoying something relaxing and worthwhile! Why not worry about it instead? Everything’s a Competition will ensure that your hard-won skill at a harmless interest is blown up into a pressurised, timed rush as you vie with competitors against the clock! Everything’s a Competition will take that calming, enjoyable pastime that makes your life a little better, and pit you against others in a high tension, stress-filled battle of skill where winners TALK and losers WALK – live on TV! Let Everything’s a Competition help you to help ourselves to the ratings you create as…

EXCLUSIVE! THE festive season is traditionally a time of movement, when Brits pack their bags and jump in a car, train or aeroplane to visit loved ones up and down the country and around the globe. Crowded carriages, flight delays and traffic jams are occupational hazards we’ve all come to expect at this time of year. But now the government has issued an URGENT WARNING ordering Brits not to risk any journeys at all, due to the sheer number of middle-aged male comedians filming travel programmes. “The UK’s roads, railways and runways will be chock-a-block with panel show funnymen all December, and possibly into the new year,” said Robert Zarathustra MP, Minister for Travel and Middle-Of-The-Road Stand-Ups. “Any male who’s over forty and has appeared on QI or Would I…

letters@viz.co.uk toptips@viz.co.uk WHY ARE ‘Buddha bowls’ so called? They’re usually full of healthy nutritious foodstuffs that don’t add much to your waistline, whereas Buddha looks like he lived off kebabs. Peter Withey, Paris THEY SAY that variety is the spice of life. Well not when I order a Chinese, it’s not. It’s mushroom egg foo yung, fried rice, chips and curry sauce every time. Bartram Twelves, Luton IT STRUCK me today that w at ten past ten on October 10th, in the year 1010, it would have been 10:10, 10/10/1010. But they probably didn’t have digital watches then, or possibly even calendars, so the significance of this event will have gone straight over their heads. Louis Palms, London I NEVER understand why people take drugs. I’ve just had a two-minute arse…

NOW ONLY £99.99 ★ No more frustration of putting your mobile or remote down to squint whilst studying the tiny wrapper designs – just scan and go! ★ USB rechargeable scanner works on all major selection boxes – even by Christmas tree light!* ★ Uses cutting-edge ‘Kwik ‘n’ Ezy’ sensors developed by NASA for space missions. ★ Emits two tones for hard/soft centres, targeting prized flavours such as hazelnut pralines whilst weeding out traditionally hard-to-spot centres like fudge and coffee creams. *Please note that ‘Celebrations’ and ‘Miniature Heroes’ may require 800+ lumens for accurate detection. “That’s my Christmas choccy assortment sorting SORTED!” Mr D, Grantham “Thanks to Choccy-Scan 2000, I successfully identified and worked my way through all the peanut cracknells in less than a minute!” Mr P, Falkirk Order online at: CHOCCY-SCAN-2000.ru…

CHRISTMAS trees may seem innocent enough, sitting in the corner of the room surrounded by presents, their fairy lights shining and sending stars of light dancing off their brightly coloured baubles and tinsel. But they have a darker, more sinister side. Because they can turn out to be FATAL! Here are the stories of some unfortunate individuals who have met their fate at the sinister branches of a Christmas tree… ON December 7th 2002, 52-year-old Eric Wood pot was fetching the family’s artificial Christmas tree from the attic of his home in Croyd on. However, the step ladder he was on was old and made of timber, and an attack of woodworm had compromised its structure. As Mr Wood pot came down, the top rung snapped under the combined weight…

AS A trawlerman working out of North Shields, I’ve often wondered whether if there was a mermaid in amongst all the herring when I pulled in my nets, would I have to put it back? It’s just that if mermaids did exist and I caught one, I’d love to keep it. And if I ever got fed up with it, I would imagine a real live mermaid would fetch quite a few bob on eBay. Frank Tugcock, Newcastle * It’s an interesting question, Mr Tugcock. If mermaids did exist, I am certain that they would be subject to the same laws that govern the catching of all marine species, that is, that only individuals over a certain size can be taken and all smaller ones must be put back. What…

WE’RE spoiled for choice for the top spot, with two puppet front-runners for the role, so let’s look at them both in detail as we settle the… BOND #1: Lord Charles WITH his distinguished upbringing and top university education, be-monocled ventriloquist’s dummy LORD CHARLES is a near perfect fit for the wise-cracking spy. In his impeccably tailored little three piece suit and bow tie, the tipsy, titled homunculus could move seamlessly between casino and high-society functions without the enemy repeatedly blinking a stuck eye. And talking of eyes, just like previous incarnations of 007, quintessential English gentleman Lord C. would have a constant eye - or rather monocle - for the ladies. With his distinguished grey kiss curl permanently plastered to his forehead, the wooden charmer would woo countless ‘Bond…

GIVE YOURSELF OR A LOVED ONE A SUBSCRIPTION THIS CHRISTMAS AND RECEIVE A FREE GAME! GREAT REASONS TO SUBSCRIBE! A whole year of Viz delivered to your door or device, fresh off the press and packed with your favourite rude jokes and ribald cartoons. Plus, subscribe NOW and receive a FREE Honk My Horn Profanisaurus game to fill your festive season with filth*. ORDER TODAY, QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZX24 shop.viz.co.uk/vizx24 hello@metropolis.co.uk 020 8752 8195 *Although customers taking out yearly Viz subscribtions in November should receive their free game well in time for festive family and friends japery, delivery can take up to 8 weeks and any subscriptions taken out later than this may not receive their game in time for the festive season, in which case please reimagine this advert with…

I KEEP saying it but you mortals never listen: Put your wages of sin into a high interest account NOW! Seriously. You can’t take them with you and you might get hit by a bus tomorrow. Go on… you know you want to…! OR if you want to really get things hotting up, why not invest in fossil fuels, AI server farms and palm oil? All of these have seen so much negative press from namby-pamby naysayers that they’re currently trading at all-time lows. It’s not like you puny humans are going to stop using them any time soon so you’ll make an absolute packet as people return to them, time and time again! Mwah-ha-ha-ha! IF you’re risk-averse, then a steady bet is to secure your ill-gotten gains in flames…

At the height of the Napoleonic wars, Mr Midshipman Reeman’s first assignment after passing his Lieutenant’s exam is not what he had been dreaming of. The state of the art cutter Polaris is overmanned not only by a very top-heavy complement of prime officers and men, but a top-flight surgeon who is much more than meets the eye… and a warlock. On a quest for magnetic north no one ever dies, and Reeman can only wonder what they have become, though he knows this Navy isn’t the one he signed up for. As they sail ever closer and the true nature of the mission becomes apparent, Reeman can rely on nothing but the last belief he has, that he has always clung to… that a King’s officer always does the…

No. 341 Across 1 Meat flute’s end entering shitter from behind (4) 4 Creative skills in arsehole, brownnoser (4,6) 9/20 Flapjack split by a spud fumbler? (6,6) 10 Labium licked in parliament, first of all (3) 11 Article inserted into very good clopper (3) 12 Heading for pastries is heftier, wibbly-wobbly Greggs regular (3,7) 13 See 17 Down 14 One’s after it accessing top ledge for cliterature, perhaps – soil under-crackers in fear? (4,7) 18 Front exposed around tit, feel boobs (11) 22 One of those legendary hairy things caught by eye, tittybollock! (4) 23 Language one observed in father from ‘fecking’ sweary sitcom – unable to speak? (6-4) 25 Where you’re filling in my Anus, that is to say (3) 26 Old marital promise entering tumid organ (1,2) 27 Relative American…