Vizの November 2024 の目次

letters@viz.co.uk toptips@viz.co.uk ☐ ACCORDING to Professor Brian Cox, there are 2 trillion galaxies in the detectable universe. This, he says, is on a scale that is too large for the human mind to comprehend as we are so small. So wouldn’t it be easier to get our heads around if we were bigger and therefore the difference in relative size between us and the universe was less? Perhaps the quacks who peddle ‘so-called’ healthy eating should have a word with the astronomers and put pies back on the menu so we can have a more realistic view of the cosmos. Nick Lyon, Kirkwall ☐ ON A recent holiday to Iceland, I managed to block the hotel toilet with diarrhoea. I wonder if there are any doctors, physicists or plumbers amongst…

SIR Keir Starmer has told the British people to brace themselves for hard times and warned that things will get worse before they get better. Speaking to Nick Robinson on Radio 4’s Today programme, the Prime Minister outlined the dire situation his government has inherited after 14 years of Tory rule. “There is a £22 billion black hole which cannot be filled unless we address some of the pressing challenges facing the country,” he said, foreshadowing announcements to be made in October’s budget. “Britons will have to accept short-term pain for the long-term good.” And when pressed on exactly the type of pain they should expect, he didn’t hold back. “Imagine an enormous aubergine being rammed up your arse. That’s what it is going to feel like for everyone in…

PANTOMIME gobshite Katie Hopkins has controversially slammed the decades-old Fireworks Code, describing the tried and tested November 5th safety protocol as “Politically correct nonsense and nanny-state wokery gone mad.” And to underline her message, she has outlined her own series of “common sense” recommendations to put the BANG back into our traditional British Bonfire Night. “The Fireworks code is the worst example of the Islingtonite Libtards sticking their left-wing oars in and spoiling our fun,” the poisonous harridan fumed on her reinstated Twitter account. “When I was little, you couldn’t move on November 5th for schoolchildren holding Roman candles, putting bangers in milk bottles and throwing Jumping Jacks at each other. And guess what, Sir Keir? Most of us are still alive and well!” And the toxic media fishwife encouraged…

SUPERMODELS in Paris, New York and Milan are set to walk out next week – but not onto the catwalk. For the first time in fashion history, they have voted to take industrial action. But it’s not over pay, hours, or working conditions – the world’s most highly paid clothes horses are striking over the right to smile at work. Current fashion house rules demand that models walk down the catwalk, stop, turn and walk back, all whilst staring into the middle distance with an expressionless face. But many models are worried that people do not understand that the arrogant severity of their manner is a contractual obligation, rather than the chosen expression of the model. “Folk will think we’re a right bunch of miserable old fuckers,” said veteran fashion…

WHO are the biggest heroes on God’sgreen Earth? While the lefty Woke Brigade might insist that the answer is ‘nurses’, ‘teachers’ or ‘firefighters’, all right-thinking people will correctly respond: STOCKBROKERS. These fearless fiscal traders are the backbone of our modern society, working tirelessly to uphold the miraculous system of global capitalism that keeps us all fed, watered and clothed. They slog all hours, buying shares, selling bonds and analysing reams of complex monetary data. Their only reward is the simple satisfaction of a job well done and millions of pounds in salary and bonuses, even when they fuck up and tank the economy. The thrilling escapades of these selfless City titans have been depicted on the silver screen in hit films like The Big Short and The Wolf of Wall…

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WOTCHA! BUSTER BLOODVESSEL OUT OF BAD MANNERS ‘ere. Now I might be a right big geezer (or at least I was till I lost loads of weight), but I’m still shit-scared of ghosts. And judging by the size of my postbag, it seems like you lot are too! Whether it’s poltergeists, wraiths or Henry the Eighths with their heads tucked under their arms, they shit us all up good and proper. So it’s time for this (former) fatty to lip up and get on with reading some of your best ghost letters from this week’s lot. Yours Spookily, Buster x I’VE read that there is a type of ghost called a Succubus which has sexual intercourse with men during their sleep. After an enormous bust up with my missus, I’m in the…

WE can all agree that both attics and cellars are spooky, exactly the place you might expect to see a g-g-g-ghost. But the debate as to which is the more spooky has raged for decades. But we’ve got a house expert – Homes Under the Hammer presenter DION DUBLIN – to give us his professional opinion on which is the spookier. Here he gives us the lowdown on each, but it’s up to YOU to decide which has the edge in the spooky room stakes… ATTIC SITUATED at the very top of a house, the attic is certainly a pretty spooky place, full as as it is with discarded objects from yesteryear. Old dolls that come to life, windup toys that suddenly start moving, old radios that inexplicably begin playing…

Dear Lord Seb, COULD a ghost represent its country at the Olympics? Jimmy Corncrack, Deal Lord Seb says… That is a good question, Eddie, and the unequivocal answer is no, for a variety of reasons. Firstly, when an athlete dies and turns into a ghost, they become citizens of the ethereal realm, and as yet Team Ethereal Realm has not applied to the IOOC for entry to the games. Secondly, if any ghost won a medal, when it was placed around the competitor’s neck at the ceremony, it would simply drop down onto the podium. And lastly, when a person dies, they are pumped full of embalming fluid which is on the list of substances banned by both the IAAA and the IOOC.…

“ Greetings, dear Viz reader. I hope that this issue of the comic finds you well in mind, body and spirit. Let me once again express my gratitude to all of you who have signed up to receive my five-weekly e-mail newsletter, which I sincerely hope you find amusing, entertaining and thought-provoking. If you have arrived late to this issue, perhaps you might consider joining the hundreds, or even thousands (although more likely hundreds) of like-minded readers who have signed up to receive my addresses. In them, I muse on current affairs, societal events and other matters of the day, as well as vouchsafing advanced notice of when the next Viz is due to appear in the shops. To join this select group of readers, simply pop your mouse along…

AS the 19th series of The Apprentice prepares to hit our screens, viewers are already licking their lips in anticipation of blood in the boardroom (not literally) as candidates battle to the death (again, not literally) to be hired by Lord Sugar in the perennially entertaining (yet again, not literally) business-based ratings blockbuster. As ever, 18 carefully selected obnoxious gobshites and shit-witted arseholes will enter the famous boardroom. But only one, or possibly two, will end up with a cool £250,000 contract with the walnut-headed Em@iler Plus answering machine tycoon. After so many identical and unimaginative series, you’d think we would know everything there is to know about this show. And you’d be right. But ignoring that, here are… 1 OVER the show’s 18 series run, the average height of…

IT’S October, and that means Viz – along with seemingly everyone else on the planet – is launching a book for the Christmas market. And our 39th annual, The Guard’s Parcel, is full of all the best bits from issues 312~321. With 220 pages of cartoons, features, spoof ads and stories, The Guard’s Parcel makes an unimaginative and rather obvious gift for someone you bought The Barber’s Pole for last year. But before you rush out and spend any money on it, why not try to WIN a copy in our fantastic Train of Competitions? With wordsearches, mazes, acrostics and logic games, there is bound to be a puzzle to suit you. All you have to do is complete one or more of the puzzles, then email a photo of your completed…

AFULCHESTER clothing manufacturer who has been trading for the past 50 years was last night forced out of business after a massive fire destroyed the company’s premises. Huge flames tore through the factory of Fulchester Nylons, which has produced synthetic fabric sheets, housecoats and sleepwear since the 1970s, destroying the entire stock and leaving the building a smouldering mass of charred wood and rubble. “It was heartbreaking to see my empire go up in smoke,” said Brian Fluffman, who inherited the business from his father in 1994. “Everything we have built up over half a century has been reduced to a pile of acrid, melted plastic.” The disconsolate Fulchester businessman said that trade had dropped off in recent years and the company had not turned a profit since 2018. But…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk bat in the rafters, I’ve got a exclam. Announcement made when one is perched on the khazi with a man in the rigging and someone is banging on the door. ‘Are you going to be in there much longer, Margot? Only I’m touching cloth.’ ‘I’m sorry, Jerry. I’ve got a bat in the rafters at present following sticky beef and broccolli canapes with Mrs Antrobus, but I’ll be as quick as I can.’ botty barf n. Several steps up from a bottom burp and somewhat moister, although not yet what you’d call a full soiling. Usually experienced mid-sesh or on day 2 or 3 of a payday weekender; a lovely surprise or a failed attempt at a controlled Donald. Probably worth changing your undercrackers, but where’s the fun in that? box…

Dear Ghost Derek, MY WIFE and I have just watched and enjoyed all 11 seasons of The Walking Dead, but it has led to an argument which escalated and now threatens our marriage. My wife says that zombies are ghosts as they have died and come back, whereas I say they are not ghosts because they are not seethrough. Which of us is correct? Jimmy Corncrack, Deal Ghost Derek says… Wooo-oooo-oooo! You are right, Jimmy, but not for the reason you state. Zombies are not ghosts because, whilst technically dead, they are tangible beings moving about in this realm 24 hours a day, as opposed to just visiting from the other side of the veil during the night. Zombies can also kill you, which ghosts cannot, except if you have a…

In a time-honoured tradition, each Winter our clocks go back just as we receive the news that are energy bills are going through the roof even more than they did last year… But now, BIG-HEARTED ENERGY COMPANIES have clubbed together to bring you all the info you’ll need on how to stay safe and warm this winter, with great tips for the homeowner on how to save money during the now annual BIG ENERGY SWITCH OFF. Things in the home that ARE combustible Tables, chairs, wardrobes, chests of drawers, bedframes, picture frames, stair balusters, inner doors, skirting boards, architrave (don’t forget those stud wall strips hidden in the plasterboard.) Things that AREN’T* Ornaments, plates, cutlery, pots and pans, outer doors (UPVC), shoes (clogs ok), clothes (although socks dipped in lighter…

AS everyone knows, it is easier to grin than to frown, as the former uses fewer muscles. So exactly how do the supermodels retain their blank expressions as they march up and down the catwalk? Here are some tips, straight from the Clothes Horses’ mouths. Heidi Klum I HATED maths at school and was thoroughly miserable in class. So when I’m on the catwalk, I try to do hard sums in my head, like my thirteen times table or adding together two big numbers, like 1,243 and 8,265. I am immediately transported back to my schooldays maths class and any desire to smile just vanishes off my fizzog. Naomi Campbell BEFORE going onto the catwalk, I open a tin of Quality Street and chose one of the Toffee Pennies. I…

EXCLUSIVE! ROYAL correspondents were slipping over each other in barely-contained ecstacy when Prince William, in his video congratulating Team GB on their recordbreaking Paris Olympics medal haul, appeared to be sporting a tidy new beard. And the next-in-line to the throne’s itchy chin-decoration has got royal-watchers hot itchy chin-decoration has got royalwatchers hot under the collar, with many speculating that the Prince chose to grow the beard to present a more ‘grownup’ face to the public, and one that in time might look good in profile on a postage stamp. However, a source at Windsor Castle, where William and Kate’s chocolate-box home Adelaide Cottage is located, suggested that there could be a more sinister motive behind the monarch-in-waiting’s decision to shelve the razor. “I was collecting the wheelie bins from…