Vizの September 2023 の目次

Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ | letters@viz.co.uk □ IN ISSUE 327, John Moynes queried which Moon astronaut has the biggest cock – a deep scientific question that I’m sure would’ve kept even the great Stephen Hawking awake at night. Buzz Aldrin has been married 4 times, including this year at the age of 93 to a woman 30 years younger than him. I scraped a C in my science GCSEs, but I think it’s blatantly obvious that Big Buzz is the man. David Vasey, Whitley Bay □ TODAY I spilled a small quantity of honey on my toolbox. Since I rarely eat honey and even more rarely use tools, it was something that has never happened to me before and is highly unlikely ever to occur…

Hi! Nigel Farage here. Now, when I’m not surviving light aircraft crashes or the wheels coming off my car on the Autobahn, I like nothing better than spending the day sitting atop our Great British cliffs on the lookout for small boats. But watching for desperate people whose lives I can make a bit more difficult is tiring work, so I like to take a break every now and then by going down onto the beach below to do a bit of rock-pooling. Why don’t you join me and we’ll see what we can see in these rocky, watery worlds… Good old CRABS are the things you are most likely to see in a rock pool. With their ten limbs, these crustaceans are as British as steak and chips, bobbies…

HERE’S a thing. If you wrote your initials on a grain of sand – difficult, I know – but say you did, and then you got your mate to hide it anywhere on any beach in the world, right? And then you shuffled a pack of cards and laid them out in a line. And then you went to any beach in the world and picked up any grain of sand. Now then, what’s more likely – that you pick up your grain of sand or that you’ve just laid the cards out in an order what’s already been done before since cards were invented? I bet you say the cards, don’t you? Well you’re wrong, cos there’s fucking trillions and trillions and trillions of ways of arranging a pack…

Across 9 Come after agent onto knicker material? (7)10 Stain on pants for player of Vatican roulette (7)11 Fuck sheep screening something to chew on, a TV show (9)12 Heathen takes a hole from behind, ending in pedication (5)13 Bust whipped by pro dominatrix? (8,3,4)17 A perverted mind managing public affairs? (5)18 Promise it’s orgasmic unloading, first of all (3)19 Extremist put in godawful trampon (5)21 Spooner’s gleet he’s fancying with hard shit (5,10)23 Bill’s back covered in gravy, snake not to be trusted? (5)25 Watch and watch fucking adulterers? (3-6)27 Cock up busting fat slag’s minge (7)28 Little bogeyman fiddling with men and girl (7) Down 1 Girl holding up train died as rim fucked after heading for Basingstoke (10)2 First of spunk on crumpet surprisingly all colours of…

TWO old-style drawing pins attached by fuse wire to a 9v PP3 battery makes an ideal defibrillator for a mouse that has gone into cardiac arrest. Warwick Street, Heaton MODEL Railway Enthusiasts. Make your latest scale model even more authentic with the addition of a picket line outside the station. For even more added realism, include a replacement bus service. T O’Neill, Glasgow FLY-TIPPERS. Avoid prosecution for dumping your old shit wherever you like by simply affixing a ‘free to a good home’ label to your knackered fridge or soiled mattress. Rob Power, Postwick CONVINCE people that your family are in an American film by getting your wife to cook a huge breakfast of pancakes and eggs, only for you to just drink black coffee and your children to ignore it in…

WE all love BEACHCOMBING – idling up and down a sandy shore, keeping our eyes peeled for shiny sea glass, interesting fossils and intricate shells. And our favourite A-List stars are no different. That’s why we called up four of our most-loved celebs and asked them: What’s the best thing you’ve ever found while out beachcombing? TOM CRUISE, small actor I was on a beach in California once where thousands of Nike trainers had washed up after a shipping container fell from a ship. There were hundreds of people rushing round, trying to find their size and match up pairs, setting up swapping stations and everything. It was great fun. I managed to find a left Air Max Dunk Low in my size, but I couldn’t find the right one…

PUTTING up a deck chair is simple… if you know how! And after going through the process around 2 MILLION TIMES in his career, Dec Chair certainly ticks that box. So for the less experienced, here is Dec’s Deck Chair Erection 101… Whenever you find yourself needing to erect a deckchair in a hurry, simply remember my easy-to-remember acronym; GGRL – like the word ‘girl’ but with two ‘g’s at the beginning and no ‘i’ in the middle. This stands for Grasp, Give, Release, Lower. Then follow these four easy stages in order: ⋆ GRASP the chair in both hands, holding the top of the chair (the end opposite the notched bar) and the prop mechanism in your left hand, and the bottom of the chair and the notched bar…

LAST month, immigration minister Robert Jenrick faced a backlash after ordering that paintings of Mickey Mouse on the walls of a children’s asylum centre be painted over as they were ‘too welcoming’. Was he being cruel in denying children a greeting from a friendly cartoon character when they arrive frightened and alone at the complex? Or was he showing the world that Britain will not be messed with, and that we aren’t a soft touch for every Tom, Dick or Harry fleeing a famine or war zone? We went on the streets to see what YOU thought. “…WE HAVE to remember that it is frightened, unaccompanied children who come through the doors of that centre, children who have lost everything and arrive with only the clothes on their back. Seeing the…

FOR the first time in its history, the next series of popular cookery show The Great British Bake Off will feature a contestant who is technically DEAD! DRACLUSIVE! For the past 13 seasons, contenders vying for the coveted title of Bake Off Champion have been selected from the realm of the living, such as 2015 winner Nadiya Hussain, 2013’s Ruby Tandoh, and current champion Guiseppe Dell'Anno. But all that is set to change this year when Romanian COUNT BRIMSTAN VON URLAK steps into the marquee to show off his pastry-making chops. That’s because the amateur cakesmith is a VAMPIRE! gareth Von Urlak is the bookies’ favourite to lift the 2023 trophy, not least because he has been perfecting his baking skills for the past two centuries. “I became interested in baking…

IT’S a situation we have all found ourselves in at one time or another. We’re having a day on the beach, and whilst splashing about in the waves, we suddenly feel the need to relieve ourselves. The dilemma we face is a simple one – do we make our way out of the sea and across the beach to the public lavatories on the promenade… or do we simply ‘let go’ in the sea? With Britain’s waters nothing more than open sewers anyway, adding our own ‘two penn’orth’ to the foetid mix is surely no big deal. Or is it never acceptable to make things worse, whatever the scale of the problem? We visited a busy Norfolk seaside resort to test the waters on this divisive subject… “…I WOULD definitely have…

WHEN it comes to relaxing on the beach, we have two options – we can sit on the sand on a blanket, or we can hire something to sit on. If we go for the second option, we then have another decision to make. We can choose to lay back and relax in comfort on a fully adjustable, reclining, padded sun-lounger. Alternatively, we can sit more upright on some stripy hessian cloth slung over a rickety wooden frame. It’s a difficult choice. Here, Dr Dirk Watt – Professor of Beach Furniture at Mablethorpe University – gives us the lowdown… “Deckchairs and sun loungers are very different beasts; both have their pros and cons, their advantages and disadvantages. So you need to do your research before you part with your money,…

Dear Professor Fuck, OUR recent family holiday enjoying the history and culture of Bucharest was marred only my mother’s discovery of a human shit in between the layers of sheets on her hotel room bed. Like all regular Profanisaurus readers, I am familiar with the technique of ‘top-decking’ a hotel bathroom as a means of showing displeasure at poor service, but I must confess that this bedroom linen alternative was a new one on me; perhaps I have led a sheltered life. Nevertheless, I wondered if you could tell me the correct term for this practice so that I can be sure to leave an accurate TripAdvisor review. Mathew Shepherd, Derby The following definition springs immediately to mind: sleep on a chocolate v. To shit the bed. In upmarket hotels, it is…

SAVE 11% ON COVER PRICE If you find you simply can’t live without your fix of adult humour, your subscription means you pay as little as £2.83 per issue, instead of £3.95 in the shops. You’ll also enjoy 10% discount on the accessories range! ORDER ONLINE TODAY AT: shop.viz.co.uk/viz328p OR CALL 020 8752 8195 OR EMAIL hello@metropolis.co.uk QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZ328p 325 MAY2023 AUS$11.50NZ$13.90 CAN$11.00 £3.95 shop.viz.co.uk/viz328p OR CALL 020 8752 8195 OR EMAIL hello@metropolis.co.uk QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZ328p…

ONE of the UK’s most prestigious and influential film critics is said to be “fighting for his life” in a south Leicestershire hospital, following a EXCLUSIVE Narborough-based father-of-nine HAMMERTOE is well known to movie lovers across the view site FentonLuvzFilmz.blogspot.net. But while audiences lap up Fenton’s scathing, scalpel-sharp prose, of some of Tinseltown’s biggest blockbusters have made him a target for furious filmmakers. “My reviews can make or break a his bed in South Wigston Hospital, severe groinal bruising. “I’ll usually it with praise, the film is guaranteed to blockbust the box office. If I rip it bargain DVD bin within the week.” “Such is the power of the humble critic”, the registered sex offender sighs. And the potency of Fenton’s poison pen is not lost on Hollywood’s leading who have…