FHM UKの June 2015 の目次

Nothing defines a man’s life like fatherhood. Firstly, it shapes us as sons. That’s true whether your relationship with dad was good, bad or – most likely – a bit of both; whether he was absent or devoted in your formative years and how much he royally bollocked you for hanging a friend upside-down out of a third floor window (sorry, Dad). Then, at some point, most of us become one ourselves. I put it off for a long time, thinking I still had a bit of living to do first, but the day I held my son in my hands, took him down to intensive care for treatment, decided on a name that would surely one day be etched onto his World Cup winner’s medal… that was the day…

Got something really insightful to say about the mag? Then why not tell us about it already! To celebrate the release of the Polaroid Cube, we’re giving one away to the lucky winner of next month’s letters page. The Polaroid Cube is perfect for those of us who just want a compact, high-performance video camera to capture those moments you never want to forget. For your chance to win, all you’ve got to do is send in your brilliant, funny, insightful and one-of-a-kind letter (with a picture if you have HOW TO ENTER letters@fhm.com facebook.com/fhm Text 07801 106410 @fhm…

DJ BBQ SAYS… “It came to me in a dream: the recipe for the most radonkulous burger any mortal has ever tasted. Platters of chicken wings, t-bone steaks and pico de gallo salsa were flashing through my mind when, all of a sudden, the ultimate goliath burger shone down on me from the clouds, and floated onto my dinner plate. The beast had a halo, for Christ’s sake. What I saw made my stomach high-five itself: a cheesy double patty, topped with mushrooms, shredded lettuce and, most importantly, a burger sauce so secret that I think the Gods of Rad may kick my butt for telling y’all. But screw it – here it is, in all its heavenly glory. Enjoy, and don’t forget to Instagram it using #FHMManFood so I…

THE ATHEIST PERSPECTIVE Norman Bacrac, Sue Cox and Chris Street are all members of Atheism UK, with Chris being the president and Norman sitting on the council Norman Bacrac on heaven… “Consciousness depends on a functioning brain, so it cannot be maintained after death. For this reason, there is no heaven. It is a great mistake to be satisfied with avoidable pain today in the hope of happiness after death.” Chris Street on hell… “As a teenager, I read comic books. I treated the stories of Loki, Thor and Odin as fictional and similar stories regarding the Devil are fictional, too. If people believe heaven and hell really exist, it gives the people who tell these stories great influence and power over them.” Sue Cox on life after death… “I…

Picture in your mind what a theoretical physicist should look like. You may not know it, but you’re probably imagining Professor John Ellis. In the same way you would expect a 1980s hair-metal guitarist to be all tattoos and perm, a butcher to have a bloody apron, or an IT specialist to wear a sweat-stained Minecraft t-shirt, Prof. Ellis is the living embodiment of a man who probes the boundaries of space and time for a living. His long, white hair blends into his long, white beard. A pair of thin-rimmed spectacles perches at the end of his nose and he has a corduroy jacket slung over the chair in his office. He is even wearing a t-shirt which displays the algebraic equation describing all visible matter in the universe.…

Elliot Gleave is holding his hands a good 3ft apart, and adjusts them until he’s 100% happy his approximation is absolutely spot on. Better known as Example, the UK’s favourite crowd-bouncing, dance music chart topper is running FHM through, very precisely, the “size of projectile turds” that he’s had to dodge, on a daily basis, since last December. And the sharpshooter behind these poop rockets? He’s alongside us, and the reason we’re talking with the volume all the way down. Fast asleep, three months old and 25 inches tall, is Evander Gleave, Van for short, and he’s the real star of today’s cover shoot. Of course, even with millions of albums sold around the world, headline slots at the planet’s biggest dance festivals, more than two million followers on Twitter,…

STEP I Send a BlackBerry message (BBM) to one of Chapo’s trusted lieutenants, who spends his days in Starbucks coffee shops and other locations with public wireless networks. STEP II Lieutenant then transcribes the message onto an iPad, so that he can forward the text as a note using WiFi – avoiding the cellular networks. STEP III The transcribed message is then sent not to Chapo, but to a second intermediary who, also using a tablet and public WiFi, transcribes it back onto BlackBerry. STEP IV The message is relayed to Chapo. Many members of the cartel did not realise that when they wrote to the boss and received an answer, every word had been transmitted via two intermediaries.…

It needed something special to perk up a season where Chelsea’s imperial death march towards the title seemed inevitable from September, so praise the gods for Tim Sherwood – the human gilet, the bewildered taxi driver who somehow ended up on BBC News, the athletic David Brent. Following Paul Lambert’s reign of monotonous terror, Villa needed a kick up the backside to avoid relegation, which is, annoyingly, exactly what Sherwood gave them. Because that’s the fear, isn’t it? What if, beneath the salutes and the grizzled alky-murderer-dadcleaned-up-by-the-police-to-make-a plea-for-his-missing-cousin exterior, what if Tim Sherwood is actually a good manager? None of this continental, tippy-tappy style bullshit: what if playing 4–4–2 and telling Charles N’Zogbia to “cheer up, fucker” is all management really is? Because, while not revolutionary, Villa did turn things…

MANCHESTER OI POLLOI Once you’ve been round the rails of clothing a few times and decked yourself out in some serious smart steez, head down to the sneaker section and get a pair of understated limited-edition trainers to finish off your look. 63 Thomas Street, M4 1LQ BRISTOL COOSHTI For the guy who has simple pleasures, Cooshti stocks the household brands that have seen us through years of dressing goddamn cool. Think Asics, Puma and New Balance. 57 Park Street, BS1 5NU EASTBOURNE URBAN INDUSTRY If Nike’s your thing, so is Urban Industry. These guys like to get in the most limited-edition versions of Nike’s kicks. 2 Park View Alder Close, BN23 6QE ABERDEEN HANON Heard about a collab you’re desperate to get your hands on but it’s sold out…

GINO D’ACAMPO More Italian than Super Mario in a shell suit. His smooth Italian accent, his goddamn tasty pasta and his cameos on Celebrity Juice – we love them all. BRITNEY JEAN SPEARS Let’s never forget the good old days. Baby One More Time and that incredible red PVC catsuit in Oops! … I Did It Again. GENE SIMMONS We could all learn a thing or two from this guy, such as how to shred the bass like no other and how to waggle your tongue like a lobotomised snake. GENE WILDER The man who insisted on doing a somersault in the first scene of Willy Wonka, otherwise he wouldn’t do the film. Need we say more? JEAN PAUL GAULTIER The geniously controversial fashion designer was the man behind Madonna’s…

FOLLOW YOUR PASSION Pick a topic and content theme that you’re passionate about. Without that passion, you’re just going through the motions and your audience will see straight through it. BE TRANSPARENT The beauty of YouTube is that you’re in control at every step so you should be OK to share everything. Behind the scenes bits, bloopers and the ‘making of it’ are just as valuable. LEARN TO LISTEN Your audience are the best source of feedback and can help shape your future content. Nearly every video that SORTEDfood made came from a comment under the video. COLLABORATE Teaming up with content creators of a similar size and producing content together can be really strong. Not only does it add variety but it also helps with audience sharing. NEVER STOP…

Ben Phillips, 21, from Bridgend was one of the first UK active users on Vine, making short six-second skits to a tiny pocket of early adopters. He’s now a bona fide internet superstar, commanding (according to some reports) in excess of £12,000 per video… “When I first started, there were only around 30 other people actively making videos. I was just having a laugh and trying to get those guys to watch my stuff. Somehow I got around 10,000 followers but it wasn’t a big deal. It was just because nobody else was on it. I was only getting about 30 likes per video. “Then one day I posted a video where I was pretending that a lobster was driving my car. Overnight, it had 6,000 likes. I started making…

TAP INTO THE COMMUNITY When I first started, I would hashtag everything to bring in new followers and likes. In the beginning, it was good for gaining a bigger audience. ADVERTISE YOURSELF Not everyone does this, which is a mistake if you’re wanting to actually get work from your online activity. People need to be able to contact you if they’re interested. WALK WITH YOUR EYES WIDE With my first proper job, I got the chance to travel, which opened my eyes to lots of things and inspired all of my work. Get out there and see everything you can. IMITATE NOTHING It’s a great idea to follow lots of other people and get inspiration but after a while, you need to step back from that and learn what your…

The four craziest Roman kings to ever slip on a toga 01 Caligula Proclaimed himself a god before installing his favourite horse as a senator. Once he ran out of fighters in the coliseum, he decided to feed the first five rows of the audience to the lions just for shits and giggles. 02 Nero Drove his subjects into abject poverty in order to build himself a massive garden. Legend has it that during the Great Fire of Rome, Nero celebrated all the death and destruction by climbing a hill and playing the fiddle. 03 Elagabalus Whored himself around brothels, executing anyone who spurned his advances. Took the crown at 14 before being assassinated at 18, leading historians to think he might have been the most irritating teenager of all…

SEA BISHOP A sea monster that looked like a bishop and would cry salty tears when caught. On being set free, it would sing with glee, do the sign of the cross and plunge into the sea. Allegedly found: Poland EACH-UISGE Shapeshifting spirits. They’d leap out of the sea and transform into demon horses or handsome men and lure people to their deaths before tearing out their livers. Allegedly found: Scotland FINFOLK Depressed sorcerers that lived under the sea, occasionally coming to shore to steal people and make them their wives for all eternity. Basically, Papa Lazarou from The League Of Gentlemen. Allegedly found: Orkney KRAKEN The granddaddy of all sea monsters, the perpetually pissed-off Kraken is a giant octopus capable of crushing a ship with its tentacles and devouring…

“The Vauxhall Corsa was an iconic car in the Max Power era. Small, cheap to buy and insure, it was in almost every issue of the mag. The car was a default choice for many teen drivers who’d pick up one for a couple of grand then throw a year’s salary into the tuning. “Owners loved them because they made a great blank canvas on to which they could project their personalities with carefully chosen tuning, styling or in-car entertainment – everything from stick-on petrol cap covers to full bodykits. “In Max world, there was a definite correlation between the quality of a man’s car and the amazingness of his girlfriend. I saw many a Corsa owner with a trick little motor and an ‘out-of-his-league’ girlfriend. And why wouldn’t you?”…

While working as a senior reporter for the Yorkshire Post, David Mark covered endless murder investigations and trials, political scandals and many instances of organised crime. In the sweltering summer of 2002, he was a witness to the racial violence that exploded between the growing number of asylum seekers, and a bloodthirsty gang of locals intent on sending them packing. When members of a boy-racer gang mowed down two foreign nationals, they were sentenced to a total of 33 years in prison. But perhaps these men were just the tip of the iceberg. In an attempt to find out the truth, David launched an investigation that would almost cost him his life… “THE JUDGE CALLED THEM BLOODTHIRSTY GUTTERSNIPES, THOUGH YOU COULD SEE IN HIS EYES HE’D HAVE RATHER CALLED THEM…

10 A PET TARANTULA Jesus, look at the thing... is that tank sealed? Are you sure? Because if movies have taught us anything, it’s that having any form of arachnid, reptile or creepy crawly in your house will inevitably come back and bite you on the arse. Quite literally. At 3am. In your bed... 09 A MICROWAVE What kind of person has ever used a plastic radioactive box to flame-grill a wedge of cow or beat the bejesus out of an egg? There are some things a microwave just can’t be used for, and knowing your way around the kitchen feeds the most primal of urges to cook something with your hands. Even if it’s inedible, at least blood, sweat and tears went into making it. 08 ANY NOW THAT’S…

01 Arena Scream ‘Good evening Wembley’ with All Time Low From gigging on school nights to headlining a crammed Wembley stadium, US rockers All Time Low have earned their chops as a band. To see if selling out such an iconic venue is as ball-tinglingly exciting as we dreamed it would be, FHM goes behind-the-scenes and grabs guitarist Jack Barakat seconds before he dives on stage, to talk about his love of free puppies, why touring turns him into a criminal and precisely what he does with his planet-sized lingerie collection… Alright Jack, this is a bit of a step up from playing shows after school in the early days. How cool was it back then? It was pretty lame. We’d open up for all national acts on…

“Dirty Polaroids from the ’70s. Or vintage jeans. You can make a shitload of money from vintage jeans.” “Skippy’s Smooth peanut butter.” “Tech would be useless, so I’d take a good mattress. And I imagine a quality duvet might be hard to come by, too.” “As many different seeds as possible. And notebooks – I love paper, and I’d worry it would become obsolete.” “I’d stockpile sugar, because it’s dry. It’s seen as bad but a diet with no sugar isn’t healthy.” “Probably chocolate. I heard a rumour that cocoa was going to run out, so it would end up being like gold.” “The most important thing is water. Without it, we’ll all die. There are other things, but that trumps anything.” “Physical photos. If the internet was wiped out,…

FILM: The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, The Village. WHY IT WORKS: The spoiler warning may as well have been invented for M Night Shyamalan films: many of them boast outrageous rug-pull endings that leave viewers dizzy and desperate to watch what they’ve just seen again. Fun fact: The Sixth Sense’s revelation was less of a surprise in China, where the film was released with the over-informative title, He’s A Ghost. YOU WILL NEED: An innocent child with a gift, Bruce Willis, and dead people. ALSO SEEN IN: Fight Club, Shutter Island, The Usual Suspects. FILM: Signs, The Village, Lady In The Water, The Happening. WHY IT WORKS: Don’t set your thriller in a sunny meadow. Unless it’s one infested by killer bees. Or, as in Shyamalan’s The Happening, evil wind. Taking…

I went to a Catholic primary school, but religion doesn’t play a big part in my life now. Like a lot of people, I’m not extremely religious nor extremely atheist; I’m somewhere in the middle. Maybe I’m just waiting for that sign – a number one album in the US and I’ll believe. I don’t think there’s a blanket meaning of life for everyone. Otherwise, the world would be pretty boring. It’s more fun when we create meaning to our lives as individuals. I find my meaning in music. It has driven my life for as long as I can remember; though I never thought it would become my life. I started doing bedroom videos as a hobby. “Bedroom videos” sounds a bit weird in print, doesn’t it? But I…

When I was eight-years-old, I had my first eBay account. I’d sell whatever my mom didn’t need – lamps, shoes, whatever was around the house. Business has always been in my blood. I’ve got musician friends that say, “I’ve been singing as long as I can remember.” That’s how I am with business – it’s genetic. By the time I was 20, I had a receipt from the bank that was over seven figures. It was cool, I showed my mom. My grandfather was business savvy in communist Russia. This was a time where you’d get paid, say, $400 whether you were a doctor or a transit worker. My grandpa had a hardware store and worked out some deal with the factory and the driver, so the factory would say…

Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen (Jeff Buckley version) Life lesson learned: Who’s to say? Leonard Cohen drafted 80 difference verses to this at first. It’s probably something along the lines of ‘love can make you sad as well as happy but that’s OK’. Sample lyric: “Baby I’ve been here before, I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew ya. But I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah.” In a nutshell: You can learn a lot about your own love life from the Old Testament if you look hard enough. Something Inside So Strong by Labi Siffre Life lesson learned: There is suffering…

…Comes home with a black eye “When I came home after my first fight, I remember how shaken up my mum was. My dad, though, he whispered in my ear, ‘So, did you hit him? Did you win?’ Would I do the same? Probably not. Times have changed. It used to be just fists. It doesn’t seem to be settled in such a fair way.” ...Uses your home for a secret house party and trashes it “Man, that’s what I’d be annoyed about. I’d be more annoyed about that than being arrested. When I came home in the back of a police van, my mum was quite forgiving. She said she wouldn’t tell my dad. Mind you, she used it to blackmail me for some time after.” …Says, “Daddy, how…

ESSENTIALS ESSEX EXCELLENCE MA.STRUM: the terrace-ready brand whose little logo currently seems to be everywhere we look. With a small, carefully selected collection every season, the Essex-based brand delivers on style and substance year after year. Check out its 2015 jacket and t-shirt combo: the double-breasted buttons, overlapping origami-style collar and kaleidoscope khaki texture ensures that these garms genuinely stand out. And, let’s face it, even though it’s technically ‘summer’, you’re going to get caught in a downpour at some point, and this beauty’s got you covered. Throw these two bits on your top half, some chinos and plimsolls on your bottom and you’re sorted for the next few months. T-shirt, £70, jacket, POA, MASTRUM.com ACCESSORIES POLICE RUN THE BLOCK Sunglasses sit perched on your noggin constantly when…

THE SOLE SUPPLIER When an app has new trainer release reminders, lets you save your favourite kicks and has re-stock notifications, it’s something we’re totally down for. EBAY If your head’s in the sneaker game, then you should definitely be hooked on eBay. You’d be surprised how cheap, but still cool, a pair of limited editions can be three years after their release. J23 Don’t feel ashamed if you wear your Jordans day in, day out. This app is your version of heaven, with all the knowledge on the basketball sneaks you could ever need to know. LACED UP No matter what city you’re in, it’ll take you to the nearest trainerville. Need to see if the new Nike drop really lives up to the hype? Laced will serve you…

STEER CLEAR OF SKINNY Even if you’re never seen out of skinnies, summer is not the season for jeans that hug your nether regions like a randy koala. Stick to easy, breezy ‘relaxed’ fits to give you room to move. IT’S ALL WHITE Whether you throw on chino shorts, smart joggers or seersucker trousers, white plimsolls will always look good. Think of them as your sartorial Sriracha hot sauce – good with anything. DON’T CHANGE EVERYTHING Just because you’re breaking your jeans habit, doesn’t mean everything else has to change. Changing your polos, tees and kicks too will just make everyone think you’re having a breakdown. DARK DOESN’T HAVE TO GO Opting for a different fabric on your bottom half doesn’t mean you have to break your black habit. The…

In August 2011, London was falling down in the midst of rioting sparked by the shooting of Mark Duggan. In the chaos, writer David Levin used Twitter to quash rumours that his local pub, The Dolphin, was being burned down. His account soon went viral… The riots were a worldwide trending topic and the carnage was being tracked in real time on Twitter. Like many Londoners that evening, David was scouring for online updates, keeping track of the destruction close to his home, when he stumbled across news that his local pub, The Dolphin, was burning down. Running to his window, he saw that this wasn’t actually true and blasted off a tweet to quash the rumours. The tweet picked up traction in the Twittersphere, with hundreds of users responding…

EMBRACE YOUR PLATFORM I like Vine because it’s so simple. It’s just six seconds and it’s instant. You need to focus on the platform. Choose one thing to start with and be ahead of the curve. Being the first person on a new format automatically puts you ahead. DON’T TRY AND GUESS WHAT PEOPLE LIKE If you try and second-guess the audience, it won’t be genuine. Always just do the things that you like. They’ll always be like-minded people, even if it’s just a small number. I realised I liked interacting with people, and that’s what I stuck with. DON’T GET SUCKED IN BY MONEY When you get a certain number of followers you can sell absolutely anything and make a lot of money easily, which is obviously nice. But…

A YouTube channel can be produced with nothing more than a laptop or tablet with a built-in camera, editing suite and WiFi. Lenovo Yoga Tablet 2 Pro, £449.99, amazon.co.uk If you’re taking your YouTube videos to the next level, it’s worth investing in a decent microphone to give them a polished finish. The iTrack Dock from Focusrite lets you record quality sound directly to your iPad. iTrack Dock, around £149, focusrite.com. Audio-Technica microphone, £99, amazon.co.uk Owning a smaller, portable camera means you’re not restricted to just filming in your bedroom. You can get out there on location without having to lug loads of kit around. Canon Legria Mini, £199, amazon.co.uk Whether you’re recording video rants, editing Vines or trying to launch a YouTube music career, you need some solid cans.…

Barbecue season is almost upon us, so FHM Upgrade editor Jordan embarked upon a hot sauce adventure to find out which fiery bottles you should be slathering on your chicken wings… BHUT JOLOKIA £1.20, 165g Scoville rating: 10,000 TASTE “For literally a second it’s delicious, and then you’re overcome by a horrible burning. I think I’m going to cry.” HEAT “It’s like a horrible accident in my mouth. I can’t breathe. It’s definitely a slow burner… It’s just getting worse.” OVERALL “Imagine for a second that you managed to steal a bit of the sun, and stuck that fiery stolen chunk in your microwave on high for 45 minutes. And then you rubbed it on your tongue. That is what this sauce feels like.” 1/5 CHOLULA £1.89, 100ml Scoville rating:…

About our expert: It’s the morning after. You’ve woken up next to a beautiful woman. You wish every morning was like this and you don’t want to put a foot wrong. Luckily, Nathalia is kindly on hand to offer you some very useful advice... 01 She asks what you’re doing today but you’re worried about sounding like a boring weirdo “Try to surprise me by saying something that I’d never expect, like cave-diving or something odd. Every guy says he’s going to play football or he’s going to meet his friends for a beer. Tell me you’re going to a pottery class, that’ll make you stand out and I’ll think, ‘Wow there’s really something about this guy.’ Or, even better, tell me you want to hang out. Take me into…

01 David confided in police about what had happened and was informed that he’d had an incredibly lucky escape – there were several rumours going around that the gang had attempted to burn people alive in the past for interfering with their outfit. 02 After the imprisonment of Chris Sirrs and Ben Povey, the Hull Cruise Club itself petered out and the racial violence soon simmered down. 03 David would go on to become a showbiz reporter and novelist. His crime novels are sold all over the world. Praised for their authenticity and darkness, they draw on his previous experiences as a hardened crime reporter.…

EXHIBIT A £160, Vilebrequin at mrporter.com “The material doesn’t feel that thick. I’d pay around a tenner.” Bea, 28, Manchester “I recognise the brand. £70?” Shia, 26, Israel “They’re just red. Nothing special.” Olivia, 22, Oxford “I really like these! I’d get them for my boyfriend if they were about £30.” Molly, 32, Spain EXHIBIT B £16, topman.com “I’d pay £10. I can’t see any difference between the two apart from the logo.” Jenny, 25, Cambridge “I’d rather see these on a guy. They’ve got a richer colour. £30?” Kate, 18, Birmingham “I’d buy these. They look and feel nicer. They’d do the job, but I think they’re more expensive.” Jemima, 19, South Wales What are you getting when you cough up 160 quid for a…

It’s totally fine that you’ve never heard of a pisco sour. Neither had we until we got an invite to London’s first Pisco Sour Week back in February. Not ones to turn down a session on the sauce, we went to see what all the hype was. And we’re bloody glad we did. We found a cocktail that we’ve since been perfecting in our kitchens in time to bust out at the first barbecue of the summer. This Peruvian booze, made from distilled grapes, is the ultimate alternative to a well-stocked beer bucket. It comes from the home of killer grilling, contains Rocky’s favourite, raw egg, and has a bitterness that’s the perfect antidote to a sun-scorched face. And before you mention it, yes, we know that if you ask…

The unexploded bomb inside the ship wasn’t like the one we’d diffused the day before. This one had been dropped from enough height that it had had time to arm. And it was ready to blow. Two days earlier, Staff Sergeant Jim Prescott and I landed with the first wave of British soldiers on the Falkland Islands. A two-man bomb disposal team with the Royal Engineers, we were tasked with diffusing unexploded bombs dropped on ships by the Argentinian air force. That day, one had smashed through the hull of HMS Antelope. After four attempts to disarm the bomb, nothing appeared to have happened. We didn’t know the device had a 28-second delay. Just as we were preparing to expect it, it blew. As I flew through the air, time…

The failure of an ex Be it the girl who shattered your heart, or an ex-colleague who ‘wronged’ you, there’s nothing like a spot of schadenfreude [pleasure derived from the misfortune of others] to make you think, ‘God, life is good’. Sure, pride may come before a fall, but when you’re busy screen-grabbing the Twitter meltdown of the bloke who made you redundant, who really cares? Turning water yellow Pool-pissing is universally frowned upon – and rightly so, you dirty git – but there’s no denying that whether you’re aged five or 35, having a wee in the water feels good. Swearing They’re just words, aren’t they? But, fucking hell, isn’t it great to emphatically and passionately swear once in a while? How good is it when someone normally so…

Up (2009) If you make it through the first 15 minutes of this film without weeping, you’ll find the tale of a grumpy old man life-affirming. After strapping balloons to his house, our testy pensioner heads off into the unknown, and with the help of a curious boy scout, sheds his bitter old skin and learns to let go. What we learned: “Adventure is out there.” Trainspotting (1996) Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. The advice of a heroin addict may not be the most trustworthy, but Ewan McGregor’s opening speech sums up everything you need for a normal existence. Watching his character Renton trying to make the big time at the expense of his so-called mates teaches a valuable lesson. What we…

VINNIE JONES AWARD: NIGEL PEARSON Soon after telling one of the King Power Stadium faithful to “fuck off and die”, the Leicester manager decided to pin James McArthur to the ground by his throat after the Crystal Palace midfielder accidentally bumped into him. At the post-match conference he told reporters that “I can handle myself”. Indeed so, Nigel. BEST ACCUSATION: EMMANUEL ADEBAYOR Speaking to Peace FM, the malfunctioning Spurs striker said: “How can I talk to a mother who together with my sisters has been plotting juju against me.” Is Harry Kane a manifestation of this witchcraft? EXCUSE OF THE YEAR: STEWART DEVINE It was the biggest match in Bo’ness Utd’s season – a Scottish Cup clash with Arbroath. Imagine fans’ delight then when they received this message about their…

ON THE DAY Have a shave with a Wilkinson Sword Hydro 5 Groomer ( £14.99, boots.com ). Brush, floss and mouthwash. You won’t blag free miniature boozes with honking breath. From departure lounge to landing, you’ll be chugging the beers. Hit the H2O before you go. 2 DAYS Whack a facemask on for supple skin. If you’re so pale Edward Cullen feels sorry for you, a subtle fake tan will give you a head start at the pool. Get a back, sack and crack wax. Don’t leave it any later or you’ll be red and bumpy when it’s time to strip off. 1 WEEK Seeing the barber seven days before you depart leaves time for you to get used to the new do. Moisturise everything so the sun doesn’t suck…

KEEP IT SHORT People are so lazy now that even 124 characters is too many. I generally find, and the stats also back this up, that the shorter a tweet is, the better chance it has off being picked up – 100 Characters or less. BE HUMAN People want to follow real people, regardless of how big your brand or followers are. You should look at it like you’re emailing a friend. Don’t be a robot. STAND OUT There’s so much happening on Twitter, you need to cut through the noise. Whether that’s posting reactive topical quizzes about things like the Brits or just jokes about Jägerbombs at The Dolphin. KNOW YOUR SHIT The amount of people that don’t realise that starting a tweet with an @handle will only go…

At the beginning of 2012, Emmanuel Cole, 24, had just managed to land his first proper job working as a door knocker for a charity. With his first paycheque he invested in a contract phone and, like most people, spent the first few days raiding the app store. It was there that he stumbled across the still relatively new photo app, Instagram… “I didn’t really ‘get’ Instagram at first, but I quite liked the idea of it,” says Emmanuel. “The job that I was doing at the time allowed me to travel quite a lot around the UK, and on my travels I was taking loads of pictures.” The majority of these photos found their way on to Emmanuel’s Instagram profile, which slowly – through the clever use of hashtags…

Know before you go Travel Rome has two airports: Fiumicino and Ciampino. British airways offer return flights from £85. Stay We stayed at the Duca D’Alba, situated slap-bang next to the Coliseum. Double rooms start at £80. Drink A pint costs around €3 (£2), and even the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu tastes like nectar of the gods. ESCAPE THE CROWD Rome’s tourist hotspots are too often an obstacle course of flailing selfie sticks and touchy-feely tour guides. Head over to Trastevere, an old medieval district across the river. We chilled by the fountain in Piazza Santa Maria with a tasty Italian craft beer, gorging on gnocchi while the sun went down and the shutters shot up, revealing Rome’s best party spot. Meet some gelato geniuses Weave your…