Table of contents for Jul-Aug-2013 in Maxim

Have you seen what’s in Maxim’s sack? Every day we reveal the hottest reader pics from our in-box. Most aren’t wearing pants! Maxim’s Turf We’re all up in your piece—and your computers. Deal with it! Instagram For an inside look at Maxim parties, like our Hot 100 throwdown, check out @MaximMag on Instagram. No wristbands, no bathroom lines. Xbox 360 Download the Maxim app to watch our new series 1-on-1 Sports, featuring hottie Aja Dang getting lessons from giant sports heroes like Shaq. Facebook Express yourself at Facebook.com/MaximMagazine and you could end up in our roundup of best (and worst) comments. No emoticons allowed. Twitter Follow @MaximMag for hilarity in 140 characters or less and @Maxim HotPic for a daily dose of hotness.…

Get to know. . . With a role in Grown Ups 2 (out July 12), the former Hometown Hotties winner and Guy Code star has hit the big time. Thankfully, she still has time to take questions from the little people. Hometown: Chicago Job: Actress Astrological sign: Scorpio Pets: My bullmastiff Sharkey Three things I can’t live without: 1. Bacon 2. A good man 3. To-go cups I would be embarrassed if you looked in my fridge and saw how much mayo is in there. my spirit animal is Brian from “Family Guy". The most embarrassing song on my iPod is the theme song to the TV show “Taxi"(I was drunk). My go-to drink is beautiful bottled American beer. If I named a sandwich after myself, I would call it…

1. TEXAS Number of petitioners: 124,353 (0.48% of pop.) Likely president: Roger Clemens National anthem: “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex Chief exports: Rest-stop trinkets extolling the country’s bigness; oil Roadblock: Austin. Residents of the city started their own counter-petition to secede from Texas if Texas splits from America. Damn hipsters! 2. LOUISIANA Number of petitioners: 38,637 (0.84% of pop.) Likely president: Swamp People’s Troy Landry National anthem: “Born on the Bayou” by Creedence Clearwater Revival Chief exports: Swamp People episodes; soybeans Roadblock: Bobby Jindal. The Republican governor is anti-secession, saying, “Whatever our political differences, we are American first.” 3. TENNESSEE Number of petitioners: 32,431 (0.51% of pop.) Likely president: Definitely not Al Gore National anthem: “I’m Movin’ On” by Elvis Chief exports: Dolly Parton’s cleavage; whiskey Roadblock: Lack of support.…

HONEY AND ALMOND MILKSHAKE “This drink is a grown-up version of a milkshake that can be enjoyed year-round, but especially during summer,” says Ward. “The floral qualities of honey, the sweetness of almonds, and the rich flavor of vanilla all go perfectly with the flavors found in Evan Williams Honey Reserve.” • 1 oz. Evan Williams Honey Reserve • ½ oz. amaretto liqueur • ¼ oz. honey • ½ oz. unsweetened almond milk • 1 scoop softened vanilla ice cream • Crushed almonds (for garnish) Combine honey, almond milk, and both liqueurs in a cocktail shaker and stir until honey is completely dissolved. Add ice and ice cream and shake. Pour into a tall glass and top with crushed almonds. Dive Bar of the Month The Railroad Inn, Valley Stream,…

Considering you and Malin are sisters, is it safe to assume that your parents are ridiculously atractive? My dad is pretty lucky. He’s been married to two beautiful women—Malin’s mom and then my mom. I guess Malin and I got the best of both of them. You were born and bred in Sweden. What’s the most Swedish thing about you? Swedish girls are really independent and strong, and I’m that way. When I date American guys, they want to take care of you all the time—take you to dinner and pay for your food—but I like to take care of myself. Besides being a cheap date, you’re also a singer in the duo Jaxx. Tell us about it. It’s very indie rock, indie pop. Our music has a really good…

1 Stalk Storms You have to find a spot where waves can reach their full potential and you have good offshore winds. Nazaré, Portugal is the holy grail of monster waves, so we’ll get on the Internet and track storms as they are approaching the coast. 2 Get the Right Gear Equipment is essential for survival. For towing into giant waves, you want a small board, about 20 pounds. Your wet suit is key, too. Body Glove made me the most amazing survival suit for riding the 100foot wave, so I knew I was coming home. 3 Learn to inhale Right before you fall, take a full breath from your belly to your chest and then tilt your head back to open your lungs and get more air. Once you’re…

SKIP COLLEGE “Game testing is a way to break into the industry, so we look for candidates straight out of high school or with their GEDs. Some kids go to college and then realize no one hires a recent grad with a game-design degree, because they have people with eight years of experience who can do it better. So save your $50,000!” OBEY THE GEEK LAWS “Even the best guys need to follow directions, because so much of testing is top secret. We told one great tester never to go through a certain door—there was a different project in that room. One day he decided he had to peek. By the time he got back from lunch, his ID card was deactivated, and we were waiting for him by the…

Happy 237th birthday, America! (You don’t look a day over 236.) Ready for your present? It’s superstar TV sweetie Alyssa Milano! Then we have a starspangled bikini salute from the Hometown Hotties and, finally, Maxim’s first-ever Amish model! Who could ask for anything more? Denim vest Zara Crochet shorts Lisa Maree Necklace Kami Lerner SHE’S THE BOSS From sassy Samantha Micelli on Who’s the Boss? to fantastical Phoebe on Charmed to sexy Savi on her new series, Mistresses, ruled what we watch on TV with a beautiful fist. But not only is she crazy-gorgeous—she can also talk your ear off about the Dodgers’ bullpen and cook you a button-popping Italian feast that’ll have you begging for mercy. Years ago she rocked our world with a cover shoot during Maxim’s inaugural…

THE KING RIB TIME 10 minutes SERVES 4 sandwiches • 1 lb. leftover rib meat (horizontally cut off the bones from one rack) • 1 cup BBQ sauce • 4 6-inch sandwich rolls or buns, split • 8 dill pickle slices • ½ cup finely chopped sweet onion 1. Wrap meat in foil and store in refrigerator. When ready to make the sandwiches, cut meat into four equal portions and warm on a baking sheet in the oven or toaster oven at 350°F or in a large skillet over medium heat, 3–4 minutes each side. 2. Pour the sauce into a large shallow bowl. When the pork is thoroughly heated, use tongs to dip each piece of meat into the sauce to completely cover on both sides. 3. Lay one pork piece…

1 He looks more like an extra from The Walking Dead than Breaking Bad: Meth users drop weight, have sunken eyes, sores, scratch marks, and decayed teeth. On second thought, the undead might actually look healthier. 2 There are burnt or dead spots in the yard from dumping chemicals. Meth addicts don’t care much for lawn care! 3 Your neighbor frequently goes outside for cigarete breaks, but not to cut down on secondhand smoke; it’s because he knows (or should know) that smoking in his house could ignite an explosion. 4 His trash is full of chemical and drug bottles, coffee filters, and bedsheets. Also, he dumps his garbage in your collection spot to avoid suspicion. And because meth addicts are dicks. 5 Is there a steady stream of shifty-looking…

Between the steamy temperatures and overflowing margarita pitchers that come along with summer, so does the best sex of the year. “There’s something extremely erotic about summer,” says Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen. “You see more skin on hot days, which can make women more aware of their own attractiveness.” So while things are heating up, there’s no better place to take advantage of your girl’s carnal desires than the great outdoors. We spoke to plenty of women who will reassure you that just ’cause she insists on washing her hair every day, it doesn’t mean she isn’t yearning to get dirty. CONNECT WITH NATURE “On my first visit to my fiancé’s hometown in Northern California, he took me on a hike to a field with tall grass and…

High School Hotie Dear Maxim, thank you so much for validating my long-time celeb crush by putting Ashley Tisdale on your May cover! I’ve been made fun of for watching High School Musical, but I’ve been in love with the Disney starlet for years, and your pictorial contained all the reasons why. —Sean, Bay City, MI Happy to validate your crush, Sean. But as far as your other Disney crushes go, we don’t think it’s going to work out between you and Goofy. Sorry to break the news. Gun Jam As my wife and I are lifelong members of the NRA, I did not appreciate that “evil NRA” remark made by that burnt-out old pothead Tommy Chong [Circus Maximus, May]...My subscription will not be renewed. —Steven Ala, via e-mail So…

1 Roast My Weenie Cooker Just place it on your grill, insert wiener, and—ta-da!—you’ve somehow made hot dogs seem even more phallic. $18, roastmyweenie.com 2 KitchenArt Ham Dogger Turn beef into a tubal burger that fits perfectly in your crusty wiener rolls. Which is also what we call our jockstrap. $7, kitchenart.com 3 The Frankformer In just one easy slice, you can tranform your hot dog into human form. It’s like cannibalism, but grosser. $8, frankformers.com 4 Maverick Hero Hot Dog Cooker The pooch-shaped steamer “barks” when your wienie is done. As a bonus, it will never shit on your rug. $40, maverickhousewares.com…

Gals you can take home to Mom—provided Mom is a parole officer. Name: Renata Shamrakova Age: 28 Charges: Grand larceny, identity theft, and obstruction, among others. As the personal assistant to an N.Y.C. hedge-fund bigwig, she swindled her boss out of $821,000 by opening credit cards in his name, then forging checks to pay them of. The prety perp managed to avoid jail by vowing to pay it all back within two years. Because she totally seems like someone you can trust to do that.…

On July 26, The Wolverine will prove the hero’s badassness once again. But his 40-year history in comics hasn’t been without shame. Here, the hairy X-Man’s most mortifying moments. 1 Careless Whiskers Wolverine’s entrance came in The Incredible Hulk (Vol. 1) #181, wearing a face mask with whiskers, like an adorable widdle kitty. The costume couldn’t have been less intimidating unless it came with a squeaky toy. 2 Highly Illogical When the X-Men faced off with the Star Trek crew in Star Trek/X-Men, Wolverine tried to pummel Spock, who thoroughly owned him by Vulcan-nerve-pinching his ass into submission. Live long and STFU, Wolvie. 3 Centenarian Creeper In Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1) #66 and #67, Wolverine and Peter Parker pull a Freaky Friday and swap bodies. Old Man Wolverine (as Peter)…

—Frank Novak Yes, but it’s healthier to explore other jiggly options. “When you transplant tissue from a donor, the recipient takes medications that suppress the immune system, to prevent rejection of tissue your body may perceive as foreign,” explains Umang Mehta, M.D., a San Francisco–area plastic surgeon. “The risks, like increased infections, outweigh the benefits of transplanting breast tissue.” Plus, “They’re silicone” sounds better than “They’re Grandma’s.” What would happen if we launched nuclear bombs into the sun? —Christian Szabo “Nothing, since the sun’s heat would vaporize them before they could reach it,” says Jose Lopez, assistant physics professor at Seton Hall University. “Their impact would be similar to a few thousand raindrops falling into the ocean.” Rain-drops that would turn sea turtles into fire-breathing monsters, that is. Is it…

PACK WISELY “Don’t go anywhere without Purell, condoms, and breath mints.” PICK A PARTNER “Don’t go with a large group. A festival is not a time to see democracy in action; it’s a time for you and one person to agree on a strategy.” FIND THE TURNTABLES “Some bands don’t bring their all to festivals, so look for a tent with a DJ. There should be a lot of ecstasy in there, and from what I understand, even a dog passing gas sounds good on those drugs.” DON’T BE A DICK “You want to get your money’s worth, so don’t throw shit at the stage. Also, let the people who are paid to sing do the singing. And if you want to do your ’60s freak dance or some fower-child…

The biggest domestic car launch of the year—all right, of the century—the seventh generation ’Vette is, in our not-so-humble opinion, the best-looking yet. So when the topless version was unveiled at the New York International Auto Show this spring, we were there with our jaws on the floor. As the first model in decades to be tagged with the iconic “Stingray” designation—and with the most powerful standard engine in the model’s history—it’s clear the good folks at Chevy know they’ve created something special. (So does NASCAR team owner Rick Hendrick, who dropped a million bucks on the first Stingray convertible to roll off the line.) SPEC CHECK PRICE $56,000 ENGINE 6.2-liter V8 HORSEPOWER 460 TORQUE 465 lb.-f. 0–60 4.0 seconds TOP SPEED 180 mph Auto Erotica We asked this year’s…

Dessie Mitcheson Apollo, Pennsylvania How do you typically spend the Fourth of July? I usually just go down to the beach with my family and set of some fireworks. What U.S. president would you most want to party with? George Washington, because if we got drunk maybe he’d let me try on his wig. Nude beach: yea or nay? I’m not sure if I’d participate, but I’d definitely go check one out. What artist is a must on your summer playlist? I don’t know what it is, but something about the summertime always makes me want to listen to country, so I’d have to say Kenny Chesney or Blake Shelton. What’s one necessary stop on a cross-country road trip? I’m actually doing one this summer, and I’d love to stop…

You were once the world’s biggest comic, but a few years ago you were in financial trouble, right? Yeah, it was crazy. I went to Vegas with about $50,000 and took it to about a million dollars playing blackjack. I paid some bills, I bought some cars. Me and my wife had Vegas at our fingertips. You wanna talk about a movie like The Hangover? We lived it. A million dollars is a lot of cash to be carrying around Vegas. Picture this: We’re driving back to L.A. with the money in the car. About two hours into the desert, I get stopped for speeding. I told my wife, if these cops tell me to get out of the car, I’m hitting the gas pedal. There was no way these…

animal MONKEY Picture a monkey wearing overalls. Or drinking from a teacup. Or finging its poo. Whatever the scenario is, you’re smiling, right? (Well, maybe not if the scenario is eating your face of.) guitar riff “EYE OF THE TIGER” Combining the headbanging simplicity of “Smoke on the Water,” the sexual urgency of “Whole Lotta Love,” and the visceral punch of “Cat Scratch Fever,” “Eye of the Tiger” delivered a riff so perfect it inspired Rocky to embrace the once-hated Apollo Creed and punch Clubber Lang’s dick of. product name SNAUSAGES Sorry, Apple—you may have made it cool to just stick an “i” in front of everything, but did you ever make a product for dogs that sounded exactly like the noise a dog makes while eating said product? No.…

p.4: Garret McNamara surfing, Ron Dahlquist/Corbis; Andrew Dice Clay, Time & Life Pictures/Gety Images p.7: Dan Bova and Miley Cyrus, Chelsea Lauren/WireImage p.8: The Hobbit, Todd Eyre/Warner Bros. Pictures/Everet Collection p.14: Dominatrix, Marla Rutherford/Gety Images p.16: Shamrakova, Steven Hirsch/Splash News; Clemens, Yuri Gripas/Reuters; Landry, Ralph Notaro/SplashNews; Bush, David Manning/Reuters; Colbert, Jamie McCarthy/iStockphoto; Krzyzewski, Chris Keane/Reuters; Gore, iStock-photo p.20: Shark, Stephen Frink/Science Faction/Corbis p.24: Wolverine, Ben Rothstein/Twentieth Century Fox p.30: Bombs, SuperStock; sun, Shuterstock; Ethernet, Infux Productions/Gety Images; Zuckerberg, C Flanigan/Wire-Image; ice cream, Foodcollection/Gety Images; eskimo, Jim Naughten/Gety Images p.31: Obama, Olivier Douliery/ABACAUSA.com p.33: Garret McNamara surfing, Wilson Riberio; Garret McNamara, Splash News/Corbis p.34: Paul Stanley, Jerod Harris/WireImage; American Picker/AP Photo; football, Steve Wisbauer/Gety Images; chair, Ilian Photography/Alamy p.36: Vinny Guadagnino, David Becker/WireImage pp.38–42: Dessie, Justine, and Persephanie: Carlos Nunez (3) pp.68–73:…

Hey, it’s Dan. When not editing Maxim or passed out in an alley, I like to voice cartoon characters engaged in intergalactic kung fu battles. So the fine folks at Funimation, creators of kick-ass anime shows like Full-metal Alchemist and Dragon Ball Z, invited me to their studio in Flower Mound, Texas. (Yes, it’s a real place.) On my tour with CEO Gen Fukunaga, I got in a recording booth and screamed, “Ahhhh!” and “Ugh!” till they politely asked me to stop. I thought I was convincing and eagerly await a callback for a live-action Dragon Ball Z. (I’d be an amazing ball.) Pick up Dragon Ball Z: Rock the Dragon Edition and Dragon Ball Z Season 1 on Blu-ray.…

Our easy fill-in-the-blank system will help you pen this summer’s hit erotic novel. A (1) (2) with a (3) meets a (4) and, after (5), finally learns to (6) 1 -Sexually repressed -Thrice-divorced -Pill-popping -Personality-free -Disastrously tattooed 2 freelance journalist -ex-Scientologist -schoolmarm -ostrich farmer -third-chair bassoonist 3 -dark secret -Tumblr account -gluten allergy -Long Island accent -mini schnauzer named Nuzzles 4 -mysterious stranger -guy with a ridiculous name like Rance -infomercial host -creepy mechanical Japanese sexbot 5 -uninhibited sex -30 days of CrossFit -a night of Netflix and marshmallow-flavored vodka -350 awful pages 6 -juggle bowling pins -find a bra that fits -love again -code HTML -like anal -love anal…

“Showtime” Eric Young has battled hulking wrestlers in the ring, alligators on the bayou, even hurricanes on the open water. But today, sitting in the Gomez—a rickety two-man skiff bobbing behind a shrimp boat about six miles off the Florida Gulf Coast—the quick-witted and impressively bearded pro wrestler is confronting his most fearsome foe of all. “Mike the shrimp boat captain saw a 450-pound bull shark hanging around earlier,” says Young, noting there’s also an 18-to 21-foot hammerhead named Old Hitler lurking somewhere nearby. He’s here to catch sharks for Animal Planet’s Off the Hook: Extreme Catches. I’m here because he dared Maxim to join in the heart-stopping “fun.” I put fun in quotations because I’m terrified. We’re on a tiny boat, sitting inches above the surface, and just recently…

So how do you want to go? I want to go out like I came in: naked and screaming until someone stuffs a titty in my mouth. Do you have any deathbed confessions? Help! I’m fucking dying! Your new stand-up flick is called Let Me Explain. Before you go, anything you would like to have explained to you? Yeah. Why in the hell can’t the Philadelphia Eagles ever win the fucking Super Bowl? Will you be going to heaven or hell, and why? I will initially be sent to hell, but they’ll soon find out that I don’t meet the height requirement. It’s a well-known fact that tall people are evil. Will you still perform stand-up there? I performed in a bowling alley before while people were still bowling. Cut…

My wife asked if I would give it to her “doggy style.” So I took a dump on the floor and chewed up her shoes. —JASON DOWLING A man buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people who fib and tests it out at dinner. He asks his son, “Did you go to school today?” The son replies, “Yes,” and the robot slaps him. The son says, “All right, I went to the movies.” The father asks, “What did you see?” and the son replies, “Toy Story 3.” The robot slaps him again, and the son says, “OK, OK! It was Anal Gang Bang 3.” His father snorts and says, “When I was your age we didn’t know what porn was.” This time the robot slaps the father. The mother sputters…

Sling these terms around the ranch and sound like a real American, pardner. Man for Breakfast A murdered body in the streets at dawn. Painted Cat A prostitute. Tombstones Very large teeth. Small Potatoes A way to describe someone who is mean or worthless. Turn Crap Into Cash American Pickers’ MIKE WOLFE shares his tricks for finding junk worth big bucks. Peep Show “Look in backyards and open garages for an excuse to knock on the door. Say, ‘Hey, I saw your 1950s motorcycle. Is it for sale?’ That sparks a conversation. Follow up with, ‘Do you have old manuals? What about the 1953 Marilyn issue of Playboy?’" Spot Sport Fakes “Sports memorabilia is the biggest reproduction market, so steer clear. A lot of footballs signed by Joe Namath are…

Dermalogica Total Eye Care SPF 15, $45, groominglounge.com. Kiehl’s Facial Fuel UV Guard SPF 50+, $38, kiehls.com. Jack Black Double-Duty Face Moisturizer SPF 20, $17, getjackblack.com. Australian Gold Sheer Coverage Faces SPF 45, $9.50, australiangold.com. Bull Frog Water Armor Sport + InstaCool Continuous Spray Sunscreen, $10, drugstore.com. Lab Series Skincare for Men Power Protector SPF 50, $46, labseries.com. Neutrogena Wet Skin Swim Humidity Sweat Sunscreen Broad Spectrum SPF 45, $12, neutrogena.com. Bosley Professional Strength Healthy Hair Scalp Protect SPF 20 Sunscreen, $18, bosleypro.com. HeadBlade HeadLube Moisture Lotion SPF 30, $12, groominglounge.com. Anthony Logistics for Men Advanced Formula Lip Balm SPF 25, $7.50, anthony.com. L’Occitane Immortelle Brightening Hand Care SPF 15, $30, usa.loccitane.com Zirh Body Bar with titanium dioxide, a natural sun-blocking agent, $15, zirh.com. Turo Skin Sport Lotion + Sunscreen…

The star of TLC’s Breaking Amish packed her bonnet and moved to New York City to pursue a modeling career–starting with Maxim. How did it feel stepping out of Amish clothes for the first time? Before I had even signed a contract with a modeling agency, I did a test shoot to see if I could photograph well, and the first outfit they put me in was a bathing suit! I have to admit it was a little intimidating, but now I enjoy doing it. Are most Amish women in such amazing shape? There are definitely a lot of Amish women who have great bodies, because they work hard. They also eat really healthy, since they grow their own food. That’s one big thing I miss about home, being able…

They’ve got junkies out there who are so deserate they’ll come back and lick the walls,” says Rick Held of Crisis Cleaning as we wade through a room filled with a sea of garbage—a mirror to someone’s worst moments spilled out all over the floor. I pick up a book among the used syringes on the coffee table. The title reads Know the Word of Jesus in 30 Days. Into the trash it goes. “That high is never duplicated,” Rick continues. “I know this is gross, but they will even try to get it out of their own urine. It’s sick.” Death and Meth That toothless smile you see in some rural areas now is, in all likelihood, due to meth addiction. In both production and use, Indiana is the…

What drinks should I have ready for girls at my BBQ? —Seth Owens Vodka, tequila, and a bunch of sweet mixers. Basically, you need anything that’s strong but doesn’t taste like alcohol! Should guys wax? —Leon Walsh I think they should lay off down there, but waxing your chest and back hair will make some girls happy. Are convertibles still cool? —Roman Meyer It depends. Red convertibles are too showy, but if it’s a classic car, like my ’64 Lincoln, it’s still very cool. How often is it OK to eat fast food? —Jonathan Boyd As much as you want, as long as you work out twice as many times as you ate it that week. So if you had it twice, you’ve got to hit the gym four times.…

Katy Perry Years of MaxiM We were children of the ’80s, so Smurfette was one of the first females who made us feel smurfy in our smurfareas. Thus it stands to reason that the modern incarnation of our first flame is voiced by Katy Perry, whose crazy curves could turn Gargamel into a drooling idiot (well, even more of a drooling idiot). Katy rightfully earned the No. 1 spot on 2010’s Hot 100 list. Here’s a fond look back at her 2011 cover shoot. Makes you want to take her back to your mushroom house for a romantic night of smurfing, doesn’t it?…