Table of contents for March 2, 2020 in Globe

DISGRACED Prince Andrew has ducked out of his promotion to admiral in the wake of his scandalous friendship with pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. At present a vice admiral in Britain’s navy, the Duke of York — who flew helicopters during the 1982 Falklands War — was to receive the upgrade to mark his 60th birthday on Feb. 19. But furious mom Queen Elizabeth fired him from his public duties despite his denials that he knew party-pal Epstein was raping underage girls and charges by the billionaire’s ex “sex slave” Virginia Roberts Giuffre that Andrew, then 41, bedded her when she was 17. Now a palace spokesman says randy Andy “has asked the Ministry of Defence if this promotion might be deferred until such time that His Royal Highness returns to public…

FORMER child star Macaulay Culkin insists his old pal Michael Jackson never tried anything nasty with him when Mac was a kid and the two were “home alone!” Speaking out for the first time since the sex-abuse bombshells against Jackson in the 2019 documentary Leaving Neverland, the now-39-year-old said The Gloved One — who died of an overdose in 2009 under a cloud of pedophilia rumors and accusations — “never did anything” to him or anyone else! “Look. I’m gonna begin with the line — it’s not a line, it’s the truth — he never did anything to me. I never saw him do anything,” says Culkin, who was 22 years younger than his pop-star buddy. “And especially at this … point in time, I’d have no reason to hold…

JOSH GETS STEAMED ABOUT SEXY PHOTO! JOSH BROLIN lost all inhibitions when he posted a steamy photo of hot third wife KATHRYN BOYD, 32, in some sexy lingerie! And alongside the pulse-inducing pic of the blond bombshell online was this purple prose by poet ANAÏS NIN as a caption: “I want to love you wildly. I don’t want words, but inarticulate cries, meaningless, from the bottom of my most primitive being, that flow from my belly like honey. A piercing joy, that leaves me empty, conquered, silenced.” Phew! But one preachy fan groaned the passionate star should keep sexy snaps of his spouse under wraps. “Why show your wife’s body off on the internet?” moaned the message. “It’s not good — God wants her to cover her body.” The Avengers…

FEDERAL prosecutors in the Varsity Blues college-admissions investigation gave in to Lori Loughlin’s and hubby Mossimo Gia nnulli’s demands that they show more evidence — and released a damning résumé falsely claiming their daughter was a top crew athlete! The document declares that an unnamed girl — the same age as 20-year-old daughter Olivia Jade — is a top crew jock “who is highly talented and has been successful in both men’s and women’s boats.” It adds that her sister — allegedly Olivia’s sibling, Isabella, 21 — “is currently on our roster” rowing in “our #4 boat.” Lori and Mossimo have denied charges they shelled out $500,000 to buy their kids into the University of Southern California as crew team recruits, even though the girls never did the sport.…

HARD-partying rocker Keith Richards claims he’s finally kicked his “useless” smoking habit — a year after saying nicotine was harder to ditch than heroin! The Rolling Stones guitarist, 76, swears he hasn’t lit up since October and explains, “Quitting heroin is like hell, but it’s a short hell. I mean, the actual process. Cigarettes are just always there, and you’ve always done it. “I just pick ’em up and light ’em up without thinking about it.”…

FOLKS who have surgery to repair torn ACLs — anterior cruciate ligaments in knees — have noticeable structural changes in their brains! Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Kinesiology found these changes appear to impede their recovery — and even contribute to poor athletic performance and reinjury after surgery. “In essence, the brain not only alters the way it communicates with the rest of the body, joints, muscles, etc., but the structural makeup of the basic building blocks of the brain are also changed after ACL injury,” Adam Lepley, clinical assistant professor of athletic training at U-M, said in a release. The study’s authors believe both ACL patients and the doctors treating them should be aware that knee injuries often lead to adverse effects in other areas of…

BOSSY Jada Pinkett Smith is treating hubby Will like the hired help, stunned insiders dish! Sources tell GLOBE the power dynamic has shifted — with Jada holding the upper hand, thanks to her popular Facebook Watch series, Red Table Talk. “The success of her show has given Jada the confidence to wear the pants in their marriage. She’s got Will running around like a puppy dog!” snitches an insider. “He’s doing what he’s told to keep the peace even though he’s griping about it to friends. Jada’s got him cleaning, sweeping and fixing things, even taking out the trash!” When they wed 22 years ago, Will, who soared to stardom on TV’s The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, was rolling off big-screen blockbusters like Independence Day and Men in Black. But…

YOU READ IT HERE 1ST UNDER orders from appearances-obsessed Hollywood wife Duchess Meghan, henpecked Prince Harry recently checked into a fancy London clinic for treatment to cover his expanding bald spot — but that’s no surprise to GLOBE readers! Back in October we reported the demanding 38-year-old actress issued him an ultimatum — get hair or get lost! — after the 35-year-old royal’s chrome dome had doubled in size since their 2018 marriage. Now, a British newspaper reports Harry, whose locks are disappearing like those of billiard-ball brother William and lockless granddad Prince Philip, secretly visited the Philip Kingsley Trichological Clinic in ritzy Mayfair for hair-thickening treatments late last year. “Harry’s visit caused a real stir,” tattles a source. “It’s one of the best places in the world. The richest,…

CINDY CRAWFORD’S model son inked up his moneymaking mug with the word misunderstood — and then launched an expletive-filled tirade at people who tut-tutted over his self-pitying tat! After Presley Gerber — one of the supermodel’s two cat-walking kids with businessman hubby Rande Gerber — revealed his marked-up face on social media, he was slammed as being a spoiled brat. “Are you really that misunderstood? Having all the money at your disposal is never a good thing in life,” one person chimed in. But the 20-year-old crudely snapped: “If I thought this was going to ruin my face or I didn’t want this, I wouldn’t have done it. I think that’s a pretty obvious thing. “It says misunderstood because that’s how I felt my entire life. Look at these f**king…

PERFORMER Robin Thicke has returned for season three of Fox’s surprise hit The Masked Singer, rejoining fellow panelists Jenny McCarthy, Ken Jeong and Nicole Scherzinger. Though he admits, “If I’d still been No. 1 on the radio, who knows if I would’ve taken [the gig in the first place].” Here are ten things you don’t know about the 42-year-old star. 1 He’s the son of late Growing Pains actor Alan Thicke and Days of Our Lives star Gloria Loring, who were married from 1970 to 1986. 2 During his childhood, he had small roles on The Wonder Years, The New Lassie, Just the Ten of Us and several episodes of Growing Pains. 3 He landed his first recording contract with Interscope Records at age 16 — the same year he…

A GUN-TOTING goon has robbed at least six gas stations in Virginia — while wearing a creepy mask from the slasher flick Scream! The FBI is on the hunt for the costumed coward they’ve dubbed the Scream Bandit — because of his movie-inspired face covering — and is offering a $10,000 reward for information leading to an arrest. During the suspect’s most recent strike, in Richmond, police say the man pointed a handgun at the clerk, demanded cash and fled on foot with his ill-gotten gains. The masked menace also typically wears all-black clothing and black or blue latex gloves during the robberies, cops claim. According to the FBI, the man’s crime spree stretches back to January 2019 and in at least one instance he fired a shot at a…

IT’S a cheesy coincidence no matter which way you slice it — a Kentucky fugitive found himself under arrest after he tried to pick up pizza at the same time as a local lawman! A Letcher County sheriff stopped by a shop to get pies for a local archery tournament, when he noticed a fellow customer was a wanted man! Whitesburg city officer Jordan Clemons took the suspect into custody, and he now faces additional weapons-possession and drug charges. Police did not name him.…

For the week of March 2 – 8 ARIES March 21 - April 20 Monday brings news of a friend’s upcoming nuptials or a new baby — start planning a celebration, Ram! A slippery sidewalk, a misplaced foot— oh no! Be careful when walking around Tuesday! The Leo moon spotlights a chance to boost cash flow — act quickly! But think twice if it involves an investment! GEMINI May 22 - June 21 The desire to see and be seen has you gallivanting around town early in the week, but all that socializing takes a toll, Twin, and by Thursday you’re looking for solitude — and sleep! Unfortunately, a loved one needs help only you can give — protein shakes and catnaps will power you through the crisis! LEO July…

JESSICA SIMPSON ditched her dreams of cheerleading in grade school after cruel bullies chased her off the squad by twisting her dark molestation secret and calling her a lesbian! The I Wanna Love You Forever singer, 39, says she told an eighth-grade pal how she was sexually abused by a female friend between the ages of six and 12. Then she says her backstabbing bestie spread a false rumor that Jessica had gotten handsy with her during a sleepover! “Three other girls then claimed I had done the same thing to them,” Jessica recalls. “I’d never even been alone with some of them. “I was the head cheerleader and I dropped out … because these girls went over to the other team and told them and everybody started chanting ‘lesbian.’”…

A CUTE picture on a can of suds reunited a Minnesota woman with her long-lost dog! The incredible journey back together began when Monica Mathis spotted a story on social media about a Florida brewing company plastering photos of adoptable dogs on its beer cans. “I was looking at the dogs and I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, that’s Hazel!’” recalls Monica, 33. Her seven-year-old pooch had vanished three years earlier in Iowa. “She was an escape artist,” she adds. “Bolting right through the door. Knocking me over just to get out.” The 60-pound tail-wagger entered Florida’s Manatee County Animal Services in March 2019 as a stray and was named Day Day. She had a microchip, but the owner’s contact information was outdated. Hazel’s mug appeared on a Motorworks Brewing…

BELOVED Lou Grant star Ed Asner is feeble and losing his memory, leaving friends and fans fearing dementia is savaging his brain! The gruff 90-year-old, who came to fame on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, walked with a cane and appeared “out of it” at an autograph session at Burbank’s Marriott Hotel on Jan. 31 and Feb. 1. “His memory was not all there,” reveals a source. “Some fans asked him questions about shows he did and he’d just respond, ‘I don’t remember.’” When a longtime friend came over, “Asner couldn’t remember him and kept asking, ‘How do I know you again?’” the insider shares, adding that the portly actor wouldn’t stand to take photos with fans as he penned autographs for about an hour. Asner does, however, seem to…

IT WAS a huge commercial success, but 1980’s Blues Brothers nearly didn’t happen — because its stars were wack jobs! First, DAN AYKROYD, who played just-paroled convict Jake “Joliet” Blues, took six months to write the script, which then had to be rewritten because it was too long. And then once filming started, JOHN BELUSHI, playing Elwood Blues, went on drug-and-booze benders that caused costly delays. However, after a slow start at the box office, the movie — which follows the antics of the Saturday Night Live alums as they try to raise money for the orphanage they grew up in — became a huge hit and a cult classic. Belushi, however, survived less than two years after the flick was released, dying at 33 of a drug overdose in…

SPUNKY star Emily Blunt turned to acting to save herself from being bullied — for stuttering! The Devil Wears Prada stunner has come out of the closet about how she was tormented over her childhood speech impediment. Emily, 37, says the word worries started when she was six or seven and got so bad she was terrified to say her name! “There were certain people who liked to define me by that. That was tough,” she says — but she cured herself by taking roles in grade-school stage productions. “That was very liberating for me as a kid,” she adds. “Suddenly, I had fluency.” Now the star of Mary Poppins Returns works with the American Institute for Stuttering to help kids through their tough times!…

MILLA JOVOVICH, 44, welcomed third daughter Osian with hubby-director PAUL W.S. ANDERSON, 54. Two years ago, the Resident Evil actress lost a baby after going into preterm labor. Knocked up with her first at 15, Teen Mom 2’s KAILYN LOWRY, now 27, is expecting a fourth child. Dad is on-off beau CHRIS LOPEZ, father of her third kid, son Lux, 2. Kailyn also has sons Isaac and Lincoln from different exes. A “wise” choice for model ASHLEY GRAHAM, 32, and hubby JUSTIN ERVIN, who named their firstborn son Isaac Menelik. The name was inspired by a trip to Ethiopia, where the first emperor was Menelik I, a.k.a. “Son of the Wise.” It’s official: Pop singer LADY GAGA’s new mystery beau is investor and entrepreneur MICHAEL POLANSKY. She posted a snap…

JON & KATE PLUS 8 star Kate Gosselin no longer has contact with sextuplet teen son Collin, according to dad Jon! Meanwhile Collin, 15 and sis Hannah, 15, who both live with Jon, are also out of touch with the other sextuplet siblings — Alexis, Leah, Joel and Aaden — who live with their mother. The exes’ 19-year-old twins, Cara and Madelyn, are in college. “So the problem we have right now is we have parent alienation and sibling alienation,” says Jon.…

Fiend butchers families’ prized pets — for meat! A SERIAL horse killer is stalking Central Florida and littering the landscape with severed heads and bloody corpses stripped of their meat! So far, at least three steeds have been gruesomely slaughtered — and animal owners fear the cruel culprit could strike again! The first victim was a 21-year-old gelding named Hot Rod, whose skinless remains were found on Thanksgiving Day in a pasture south of Ocala. Heartbroken owner Tammy Davis says the evil act was definitely the work of a human with butchering skills. “It was a very clean-cut,” she says, “and they stripped both sides of the body.” Four days later, someone busted a farm gate in Palmetto and took a horse that was later found dissected in a nearby…

A TWISTED monster raped his girlfriend’s four-year-old twin daughters — and gave the tiny tots a sexually transmitted disease! Arturo Macarro Gutierrez, of St. Paul, Minn., was arrested after one of the children told her grandmother “daddy” had hurt her. He denied the attack but was charged after officials say he, the girl and her sister all tested positive for gonorrhea. The 36-year-old creep was convicted of four counts of criminal sexual misconduct and is scheduled to be sentenced April 1.…

THE Friends cast will each bank from $2.25 to $2.5 million for a reunion special! That’s according to one eye-popping report, which also claims the hit sitcom’s six stars — Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer — “were originally offered $1 million, which they turned down.” Ellen DeGeneres could host the special, which will be an hour long and will be “a retrospective and interviews with the cast,” the report says. The reunion is set to mark the first time the cast has appeared together on screen in 16 years — and Aniston recently admitted to Howard Stern: “We all miss it every day.” That hefty payday is no shock, since the actors each earned $1 million per episode for the final two…

FORLORN funnygal Roseanne Barr has splurged a fortune on plastic surgery — and lost a whopping 230 pounds — but longtime beau Johnny Argent still won’t put a ring on her finger! The three-time-loser-at-marriage, 67, is desperate to waltz down the aisle with the 69-year-old musician-writer-producer, who she hooked up with in 2003, but “every time the subject of marriage comes up, Johnny insists he and Roseanne are just fine,” says a source. “Roseanne is heartbroken. She has worked nonstop to be the best she can be, and has been hoping to have been proposed to by now.” She’s tried everything to tempt her guy down the aisle — but he won’t! The lovebirds met in 2002, began dating a year later and moved to her 40-acre macadamia nut farm…

DON’T like gals who talk back? Then a Sin City neighborhood has just the place for you — a sex doll brothel! According to its website, Las Vegas Sex Dolls Experience lets clients spend time “interacting” with sex dolls in a private room at an undisclosed hourly rate. Pictures on the website show rooms outfitted with beds, couches, TVs, at least one stripper pole and bondage gear! But the fake-females emporium isn’t going down well with neighbors. “I think it’s sick and it’s wrong that it should be anywhere near a residential area,” snaps neighbor Cindi Robbins, who lives just down the block. And now it’s under investigation by Clark County code enforcement for operating without a license.…

MAYBE she poured strong drinks, because an Indiana bartender was tipped $2,020 on a $64 bill! Carey Likens, who works at a Holiday Inn in Columbus, said the super-generous customer struck up a conversation and then smiled at her as he left the bar. “There are good people out there,” says the surprised server. A ZOO in Texas sold cockroaches and rats to visitors on Valentine’s Day — which the guests then named after their exes and were later fed to the animals! The San Antonio Zoo charged $5 for cockroaches, and rats were $25. A BROOKLYN, N.Y., man has extended his Guinness World Record by collecting more than 1,500 pizza boxes from all over the globe! Scott Wiener, who leads pizza tours in New York City, says he even…