Table of contents for September 2015 in FHM UK

In every issue of FHM I’ve worked on over the past three years, at least one story, piece of advice or quote has without fail jumped out of these hallowed pages and followed me home. For me, that’s what turns a good magazine into a goddamn excellent one. In this issue, it found me on page 36. Wes Borland (right), the 40-year-old Limp Bizkit guitar legend, tells us, “I’m now the age my dad was when I really started to look up to him for guidance. I think about that a lot.” Maybe it grabbed me because I didn’t expect to hear such poignant words from a guy I once saw playing to a sold-out venue dressed in only a straw hat and Y-fronts. Or maybe it’s because those 24…

“Somebody rubbing suntan lotion over me. It’s something about their fingers running down my back. Oh, yeah.” “I’m a fan of red-headed girls. Many of my friends are redheads and it’s difficult to keep my hands off them.” “Anything to do with the back of my neck – well, not anything. Tickle it, don’t karate chop it.” “I love a bird who digs her nails right into my back. I want to be left with proper marks.” “Someone biting my neck or choking me. They can go pretty hard – I never draw the line.” “Watersports. I like the warmth of it and it makes me feel proper dirty.” “I’m into nipple piercings, with a bit of hair pulling and biting for good measure.” “I’m into really weird-ass body paint,…

If you’d have walked through the doors of FHM HQ on an uncomfortably hot day in June, you’d have witnessed a team divided. On one side of the office, writers were rubbing their eyes in disbelief next to slack-jawed section editors staring down coffee cups in shock. On the other side, social media mangers were spitting out apologies as interns crawled under their desks to seek shelter. All this, because of a TV show. This was the week that TFI Friday made a one-off comeback: the iconic, anarchic ’90s telly series that once aired Geri Halliwell and Kylie Minogue snogging (YouTube it), Shaun Ryder F-bombing (YouTube it), Slipknot scaring (YouTube it), and a whole load of assorted offending at the dangerously early time of 6pm. But the team were firmly…

RODDERS A driver intent on getting round the track as quickly as possible, in hope of bagging a trophy. CRASHERS Adrenaline-fuelled racers that love nothing better than rear-ending a driver, even if it means ending the race upside down. BUMP AND RUN A move where the chasing driver unsettles the car in front by giving it a whack, then overtaking and leaving him behind. BLITZ Any manoeuvre where a car is mangled to the point of being undriveable. THE BIG ONE A massive pile up involving up to 40 cars – most likely to be seen in a banger race or destruction derby. BROWN TROUSERS The feeling of dread a driver experiences when, broken down, an opponent speeds at them head on. GUY FAWKES A car that’s received such damage…

THE LINEN SUIT Think Miami Vice remade for 2015. Add a white shirt and a printed tie for a head-turning look, and your plus one will be lucky to be on your arm. THE SHORT SUIT Forget schoolboy, think Ryan Gosling. With a strong tan, shiny new brogues and a pocket square, you’ll be sure to get a dance with your Eva Mendes. THE EXTRA 10% THE BOWTIE THE SHOES THE AFTERSHAVE THE WATCH THE POCKET SQUARE THE CUFFLINKS THE SUNGLASSES THE BELT…

DO YOUR PREP Preparation is crucial for a seamless tanned look. Exfoliate and revitalise your face before you begin with Lab Series Multi-Action Face Wash, £14.95. It’s also the perfect product to use pre-shave as it lifts the hair follicles and removes dead skin. KEEP IT EVEN Hands, elbows and feet are the trickiest areas to get right. Moisturise the drier parts of your body first so you get an even, non-streaky look. MAKE YOUR MOVE Apply the tan a section at a time: face, neck, chest, abs, legs and then arms. Garnier Ambre Solaire Dry Body Mist, £7.79, is practically foolproof – and the 360º spray means you can reach your back, too. Rub it in with a circular motion to get a clean finish. MIX IT UP Mix…

01 Alaska MOST HEALTHY Poach one egg, place on a pancake, then add a side of reindeer meat. Lovely. 02 Poland The Polish enjoy a protein-heavy breakfast of scrambled eggs and kielbasa sausage with potato pancakes on the side. 03 Japan Sushi might be delicious, but we’ll have to pass on Japan’s national breakfast of tofu soaked in soya sauce. 04 Iceland What could be better for fighting White Walkers than a breakfast of hafragrautur – oatmeal topped with brown sugar and nuts? 05 Hawaii Stick a load of fruit on a plate with a bagel and you’re good for a day’s surfing. 06 Vietnam Take your semolina/porridge combo, throw in some bean sprouts, pig intestine, heart, stomach and black pudding and you’re ready to go (throw up). 07 Italy…

MERIDIAN SMOOTH ALMOND BUTTER Packed with all the protein and healthy fats of peanut butter, almond butter contains heaps more fibre, iron, calcium and potassium per spoonful. £2.80, sainsburys.co.uk CHOLULA ORIGINAL HOT SAUCE A dash of heat, because we all love sweating through our shirt first thing in the morning. Stick it on your eggs and add a dash to your Bloody Mary to put hairs on your chest. £1.50, sainsburys.co.uk LOTUS BISCOFF BISCUIT SPREAD This Belgian invention is a caramel biscuit-flavoured spread you put on toast. We’ll only say this once. Get it now. £2.25, sainsburys.co.uk…

“WE HAD OREO ICE CREAM MILKSHAKES AT 2AM WHILE WEARING OUR OSCARS DRESSES” WHO SHE? From: Liverpool Likes: Oreo milkshakes, martial arts Twitter: @iamnatalieloren Instagram: @iamnloren If the American Dream exists, LA is the city in which it gets crushed. Armies of young, fresh-faced aspiring actors flock to La La Land by the gazillions, absolutely convinced they’ve got what it takes to make the big time, impress big-shot directors and wow their way on to the silver screen. Does it happen? Does it footballs. Get talking to anyone in LA and they’ll most likely tell you they’re an actress… as they clear your plates and hand you a receipt, or ‘check’.LA, like a Jurassic World dinosaur, will eat you alive. So it takes a special type of person to break…

Casual is the look that just won’t go away. Ever since it appeared in late-’70s Liverpool, this mix of sportswear and European luxury has been a staple fixture on the footy terraces of Britain. But it’s not a trend that shows any sign of stagnating. Every year, new labels spring up to lure us away from the classic major sports brands, with the likes of Weekend Offender and Gourmet combining mod styling with flick-the-Vs British attitude. Now that the football season is upon us, we offer up two outfits to inspire your match-day rig-out: one, a totally still-got-it retro ensemble, the other an updated take on casual featuring the new terrace-friendly brands that deserve your attention. CLASS OF 1985 FILA BUCKET HAT Look moody and retro at the same time…

7 July 1988 Jack Whitehall is born “It was the poshest birth ever – everyone, except me, was wearing a dinner jacket.” Summer 2004 Performs his first gig in a Marlborough pub “It was to a few posh students and farmers. The landlord handed me a Darth Vader costume to wear in case it went tits up. It didn’t.” June 2008 Hosts E4’s Big Brother’s Big Mouth “I used to get, ‘Oh, you’re so like Russell Brand.’ I’d read these stories of him having raucous orgies, and I was still living at my mum’s, thinking, ‘When do I get these perks?’” December 2010 Performs at the Royal Variety Performance “Meeting Paul Chuckle at his table was my highlight. I was so starstruck, I could barely speak.” September 2011…

01 How do you behave at barbecues? I get more debauched as the evening goes on. I take control of the barbecue, because I’m a certified Grill-Meister General. I must have worked in a kebab shop in a former life. Bloke 02 Who did you last swear at? A golfer. I said hello, and he just ignored me. I called him a cunt and walked on. Bloke 03 What’s the biggest sandwich you’ve made? My uncle used to make something called the Speciality Sandwich: turkey, cheese, hot sauce, piccalilli, mustard and lettuce in a triple-decker. Try it. Bloke 04 What nicknames have you been given? Flavio, Flavour-Flayvan. Flav is the one that’s stuck. Not bloke 05 What body parts have you had pierced? None, but I used to wear a…

POKÉMON CARDS V TAMAGOTCHI “It was always too emotional when your Tamagotchi died. I’ve still got all my cards, so I’m ready for a Pokémon resurrection.“ SMELLY ERASERS V SMELLY GEL PENS “Gel pens, all the way.” SEGA V NINTENDO “I’ve got way more memories of the N64. I’m totally going to find mine and have an epic Banjo-Kazooie session.” WALKMAN V GAME BOY “Oh man, this is a real tricky one. But I absolutely loved making mixed tapes, so…” SOUTH PARK V THE SIMPSONS “I can’t imagine a world without The Simpsons. I can’t believe I have to kill Kenny off!” SONIC V BUZZ LIGHTYEAR “To infinity, and beyond!” SUNNY D V HOOCH “I was a bit too young for Hooch. Sunny D, though, was delightful. It made people…

“I WAS NAIVE… THAT’S HOW I MADE IT”  Jim Proudfoot, 43, commentator A commentator for TalkSport and Absolute Radio, Jim Proudfoot has been working in radio since 1991. He’s commentated on everything from the World Cup to the Champions League Your football team is like your family. I can criticise my family, but if you do, I’ll get on the defensive. A supporter feels the same way. I did a game once and, afterwards, was accused by both clubs’ fans of being biased towards the opposition. You need luck to do this professionally. I had complete naivety when I was young, but if I was starting now, I’d just see the pitfalls and obstacles in my way. I lost 100 days’ work in a year when ESPN lost the broadcast…

3 SETS OF SUNNIES THAT WILL NEVER BE COOL There aren’t many rules when it comes to shades, apart from one – never, ever, wear any of the below KANYE WEST’S SHUTTER SHADES They’ll impair your vision, making you feel like you’re living in an untuned television. WILLY WONKA’S REALLY ROUND SUNGLASSES When the frame is practically bigger than your face, you shouldn’t be wearing them. TYGA’S VERSACE SUNNIES An obnoxious designer ruins potentially cool shades by adding two extra inches.…

THE MYTH EGGS WILL MAKE YOUR ARTERIES EXPLODE THE TRUTH : “It’s been strongly disproved that eggs have an impact on our cholesterol level, so load up. Most of the nutritional value is in the yolk, so boil or poach them to preserve it.” FHM TIP: We don’t know anything about the nutritional value of eggshell, but it’s probably best to try to get it all out of the pan. THE MYTH Bacon will turn you into a king-size Homer Simpson THE TRUTH : “Sausages are one of the most unhealthy breakfast items because the protein content is low and the fat content is high. But grilled, lean bacon is fine.” FHM TIP: We always knew bacon was delicious and healthy. Mix up your usual two rashers with our curried…

Like vinyl music and girls wearing guys’ shirts, a V8 is a thing of beauty – but no one really knows why. The 8 refers to the number of pistons and cylinders and the ‘V’ refers to the way they’re arranged – four on each side at an angle to each other. Engines in a V formation can also be made as a V6 or a V12 and the more cylinders they have, the more powerful the engine. A V6 will deliver a whoosh and a whine, a V12 will deliver a roar, but there’s something strangely beguiling about the balance of a V8 that produces a mellifluous rumble and growl you just don’t get anywhere else.…

I WAS BORN WITH A CONDITION CALLED POLAND SYNDROME. It means I’m missing a pectoral muscle in my chest and one of my hands is under-developed, but I’ve never let it define me or considered myself to be a disabled person. I was totally lacking in motivation after a bad break up and wasn’t even looking for work when I was approached by a guy who asked me if I wanted a job on a nearby farm. I was expecting to do some manual work or construction, but when I arrived on the first day, it turned out I’d be working in a unit that was used for growing cannabis. I’d never seen anything like it before but I needed the money. I was paid around £400 a week to…

01 PULL YOUR NET Boat net, £24.99, shakespeare-fishing.co.uk 02 CUT IT OUT In the original novel, Quint finally gets close to the ‘killer fish’ when he cuts open a baby porpoise. Maybe just stick to cutting up your elevensies apple. Cuda flex fillet knife, £15.95, whitbyandco.co.uk 03 SEND OUT YOUR STINK This sack may be your most important tool. Load it with guts and throw it in the water – a Great White can sniff out a drop of blood 3 miles away. Boone chum bag, £13.99, rokmax.com 04 MOCK UP A MEAL Mako, thresher and porbeagle sharks will be queuing up like hipsters at a new burger joint for a bite on this. Shark-O-Matic lure, £34.99, rokmax.com 05 BE PREPARED Leatherman sidekick multi-tool, £59.96, cotswoldoutdoor.com 06 JACKET UP This…

I wouldn’t say I was afraid of getting a job behind a desk. But, growing up, that looked like death to me. God and football and guns – my hometown of Jacksonville in Florida was everything I didn’t want to be involved in. It was the antithesis of hope, the worst of America. I had to get out of there. Tolerance. That’s what I’ve learned from my dad. He was a Presbyterian minister. He participated in anything we did, like driving us to play shows in bars at 16, even if it questioned his faith. He was so supportive. I’m now the age my dad was when I really started to look up to him for guidance. I think about that a lot. One of my best friends and I…

Derby Lunatic Fringe (Derby County) Incredibly silly name. Real fringe not actually compulsory. Lincoln Transit Elite (Lincoln City) There was only about six of them, but they had the best name in the league. And access to a Ford van. Leeds Service Crew (Leeds United) Named after the service train from Leeds City station to Elland Road. Headhunters (Chelsea) Led by a chap in a WWII flying hat, they had a cross-capital rivalry with West Ham’s ICF (and everyone else). Bangor Warfare Squad (Bangor City) They might have supported a little team, but the BWS tore up the likes of Buxton and Telford regularly. Oh, the glamour. English Border Front (Shrewsbury Town) Fighting the good fight on the frontier between England and er… Wales.…

Ingredients 25ml Cointreau 25ml tequila 25ml lime juice 1 bottle of lager Salt Gentlemen ravers, we give you the Lagerita. This, right here, is what you’ll want, no, need to have in your hand if you’re going to really (and we mean really ) party at this year’s Ibiza closing parties. See all that lime juice? It’s crammed with natural antioxidants that’ll clear your party-torn bod of all free radicals to sky-rocket your energy levels. It’s essentially nature’s Red Bull, only without the barbed-wire-in-your-brain sugar crash an hour later. But most importantly, a Lagerita is so bleedin’ simple to make you could’ve raved your brain into porridge and you’d still manage to come up with the goods. Oh, and because it tastes great at any time of the day, the…

Q Who invented the hashtag? A The hashtag – or in US English, the ‘pound’ – is an integral part of how we find topics that interest us online. But it’s only been around since 2007, when web whizzkid Chris Messina used it on Twitter to organise groups for tech conference network BarCamp. Dan Spicer, head of community at social media tool Hootsuite, says: “In 2007, a friend of Messina’s used the hashtag #sandiegofire during the fires there, and effectively became the news anchor for the blazes in his area – but Twitter didn’t officially adopt it until 2009. “Its primary purpose is content discovery. It allows people to find relevant content from other people, businesses and brands. And while platforms, especially social networks, will always look at developing new…

LIKE: EL James, heroine to horny housewives and the world’s highest-earning author EXPERT: Clare Alexander of literary agency Aitken Alexander, whose clients include Sebastian Faulks and Mark Haddon GENIUS PITCH The Unicornspiracy: a paranormal romance set in a secret unicorn society. The Da Vinci Code meets Twilight meets My Little Pony. Jump on loads of bandwagons and sell millions. BE THE NEXT THING, NOT THE LAST Who’s your idea for? Generally, The Da Vinci Code was read by men, Twilight by women and My Little Pony is for children. In trying to cover all bases, you’ve covered none. And the three ideas you’re proposing mashing together are all dated. I’m always looking for the next thing, not the last thing. WHAT’S THE STORY? In the digital world, people like something…

TRUST IN A BOMBER You don’t always need a blazer to make you feel like a wedding don. Invest in a bomber and you’ll add a cool edge to your attire – a stiff cotton one works best for formal occasions. UPDATE YOUR KICKS You may get a sideways look from the groom’s nan, but classic brogues look ace with a splash of colour on the tred sole. DITCH THE COLLAR The collarless shirt is the new Oxford button-down. As long as it’s a crisp white one, paired with the right accessories, you’ll find yourself on the right side of the bridesmaids. GO FOR COOL COLOURS Now you’ve done away with suit tradition, you can get edgier with your colours. Powder blue wins it for us.…

BIG FAT SMOOTHIE Joe says: “Sometimes you only have 10 minutes to get out the door,” says Joe. “This is a great on-the-go breakfast full of healthy fats to fuel your body until lunch. The flax seeds provide you with those all important omega-3s and the avocado is a great source of good-for-your-heart fat.” Ingredients • Juice of 2 limes• 200ml almond milk• Handful of blackberries• Handful of blueberries• avocado (roughly chopped)• 3 tbsp Greek yogurt• 1 tbsp of flax seeds• 1 tbsp honey• Handful of ice Method “Throw everything into a blender. Hit the switch. Pour into a glass. Got it?” PROTEIN PANCAKES Joe says: “These are ideal after a training session. The protein helps repair muscle tissue and the banana and honey provide simple carbs.” Note: reaching for the soap in the shower does not count as…

Poppin’ Pebbles (USA) “Berry-flavour rice cereal with fizzing popping candy balls. Nothing makes you feel like a kid as much as popping candy and cartoons, so this one’s perfect for a Saturday morning.” Peanut Butter Crunch (USA) “This is undoubtedly one of our favourite cereals. As huge peanut butter fans and huge cereal fans, there hasn’t been a better match since Scott and Charlene in Neighbours. Tastes great with strawberry milk.” Choco Flakes (Portugal) “The ravioli of breakfast cereals, where biscuit meets chocolate chips and chocolate puffed rice. The biscuit goes soggy while the cereal stays crunchy. It’s like there’s a party in your mouth and everyone’s invited.” Remember to brush your teeth half an hour afterwards and don’t look at the TV too long or your eyes will go…

Fried “Ensure the pan is really hot before breaking in the egg. Always use oil, not butter, and try to cook each egg separately. A non-stick frying pan is an absolute must.” Scrambled “Scrambled eggs are best cooked fast in a frying pan, using real butter. Break the eggs into the pan with double cream and chopped chives. Stir constantly for three minutes until cooked.” Boiled “The perfect boiled egg is submerged in boiling water for four minutes. If you want to peel the eggs, tap the shells with the back of a spoon to shatter the shell then place back in cold water.” Omelette “The pan must be medium hot and you should cook using butter. Mix the eggs with a little milk, salt and pepper beforehand then give…

01 You’ve had a letter published in Wetherspoon News With no phone signal, the letters page of Wetherspoon News is often your only form of mental stimulation. When you find yourself writing in about how you’re not a fan of the new urinal cakes, it could be time to move on. Or at least take your own magazine in. Ahem. 02 The pub has become a Tesco Express Yet you’re still drinking there. Such is your attachment to Ye Olde Crown that when it got flogged off to a supermarket chain you vowed to make a boozy stand by downing Kronenbourg in the pet food aisle, all day, every day. 03 The pub has changed beyond recognition Once upon a time there used to be a jar of rancid pickled…