Table of contents for June - July 2015 in Esquire

It feels, the word itself, like one of those ultimately untraceable monosyllables whispered to us--like war or dog or sky--through the ancient empty water pipes of the language one imagines finally opening out onto some endless, grassy, and presedentary proto-nostratic plain back when the language of the Vedas and the way they talk in Jersey were a faint and shared potential. Back when war and dog and sky and fun were pretty much the high points, I should think. A state of affairs that found a certain re-expression (on analogy, I suppose, with discredited theories of evolutionary recapitulation) in one’s high school years, with monosyllabic preoccupations dominant and fun, retaining something of its wild nomadic origins in all that mindless cruising around the Pizza King at night, at the top…

If you have a bone-deep need to grill; if the first unclenching of winter’s fest inspires a primal urge to cook dead animals over live free rather than visions of catamarans, ramps, or body shots; if the act of cooking outdoors for other people in real time matters—it doesn’t matter what kind of grill you use. That said, different grills succor different needs. THE GRILL: THE MASTER CONTROL UNIT The most expensive and elaborate of all live-fire machines, such as the ones made by Engelbrecht and Grillworks and other pro-caliber wood grills, allow for the total control of every imaginable aspect of cooking. My Hasty-Bake has a crank handle that allows me to raise and lower my fire to the exact level needed to produce a sizzling brown bloom on…

NATASHA LYONNE [to waiter]: Could I have water and an iced green tea? SCOTT RAAB: Same for me. NL: So, SoHo. Saturday night. Kids today, huh? SR: With the face-sitting. NL: Yeah. They’re obsessed with it. All day, all I get is a series of face-sitting messages. Do you think all these nice young actresses with their Clairol ads are getting all kinds of face-sitting comments? Am I asking for it? SR: I don’t think you’re asking for it, but the role you’re playing on Orange Is the New Black— it’s not always easy for people to separate the character from the performer. NL: I see. SR: This wouldn’t be news to you, would it? NL: No. It’s not. SR: I was watching a talk-show clip with the group of…

’Cause it’s finally here FEATURING NEVILLE WAKEFIELD THE MAN: The 52-year-old art-world Zelig partnered with Rimowa to create a limited-edition aluminum suitcase. For more on the man and his summer travel plans, head to esquire.com. THE CLOTHES: After months of griping about how cold it is, we can finally talk about something that matters—like how hot it is and the sartorial challenges thereof. Wakefield, in an artful pileup of lightweight, textured cloths, makes it look easy, and over the following pages we break down the best new clothes for enjoying the heat. Because summer is finally, finally here, and we all need to make the most of it.…

Jacket and T-shirt worn together: How? @HELSILAS It’s all in the jacket. Since the T-shirt is the most casual item you can wear, the jacket must also be casual in order to work. The easiest approach is to go for an unlined cotton jacket [Fig. 1, by Boglioli], specifically one with some sort of texture (physical or visual), as this type works better than flatter, more refined cloths. As for the T-shirt, a crew neck is always best, but make sure it’s lightly fitted in the waist so that it doesn’t hang, sag, or add extra pounds. What color belt should I wear with my gray suede chukkas? A. BEY ADDRESS WITHHELD At Esquire, we try not to get bogged down with shoe and belt matching, as it can easily…

Prathan Peter Poopat picks a perfect pair of white sneakers from a pristine white shoe box. (Go ahead: Say it five times fast.) Their rubber soles not yet having known ground, their supple calfskin leather unbesmirched by scuff or scrape, the only branding a discreet series of gold numbers written on the heel, the sneakers are so white they seemed cut out of space, like an ex-girlfriend from vacation photographs. “These are our Achilles 1528,” says Poopat, a cofounder of Common Projects, the New York–based company that, when introducing the first-gen white Achilles about ten years ago, had the audacity to charge more than $200 for a pair of sneakers not because they promised to increase a vertical leap or cushion a foot but because they were made with care.…

TRY IT TODAY AT DEAL.ESQUIRE.COM ON YOUR TABLET AND GET EVEN MORE GREAT STUFF ESQUIRE ’S BIG BLACK BOOK—FREE FUNNY VIDEOS! BONUS PHOTOS OF WOMEN WE LOVE! INTERACTIVE FEATURES DELIVERED BEFORE ISSUES HIT NEWSSTAND! THIS IS ESQUIRE DIGITAL Completely reimagined for your tablet: Experience our moving covers; watch a beautiful woman tell you a funny joke; take an interactive quiz; see exclusive outtakes from photo shoots; enhance your skills with instructional videos; get even more out of Esquire.…

ARTISAN ACQUA Make sure Dad’s on top of it this summer and give him the gift all modern men deserve - John Varvatos Artisan Acqua. This invigorating cirtrus blend with accents of spices and herbs makes for a unique woody aroma, perfect for work and play. Available at Macy’s and Macys.com AMERICAN CREW DAILY SHAMPOO IS BACK! If you are seeking a great shampoo that cleans your hair without drying it out, try a bottle of American Crew Daily Shampoo. For more information, please visit: www.americancrew.com BENJAMIN MOORE REGAL® SELECT INTERIOR PAINT Smudges, scuffs and splashes happen, but Regal Select Interior keeps the busiest rooms looking clean and beautiful. It not only stands up to scrubbing, but thanks to cutting-edge technology, it amazingly resists household stains in the first place.…

FIRST THING: RUNNING ISN’T FUN. BUT RUNNING FROM PEOPLE IS. Little story: Couple months ago, my cousin Matt and I are walking through the forest behind my home in rural upstate New York, and I’m out of breath and bleeding, with pricker-bush stings all over my body. I am stoned for sure, but it’s a nice and mellow buzz. I know this great spot about a half mile away—a housing development that went under before it began. It’s just a series of roads and empty plots in the middle of nowhere, a beautifully strange place. There’s no real way to get there, so we bushwhacked in a general direction, and even though it’s a little difficult, it’s totally worth it. Matt has a perfectly rolled blunt, and I couldn’t wait…

IS THE FAMOUS SCHOOL FOR COMEDIANS 100 percent inclusive? In 2015, we can respond with a braying, over-caffeinated “Yes!” Even if you’re not a professional comedian who’s never brought a single smile to another human’s face, you can still participate in the ever-changing world of mirth! Whether you’re a Social Justice Warrior (SJW) who can see through the fog of privilege that surrounds most joke tellers, a Person of Color (POC) who’s hip to the phrase “context doesn’t matter,” or a panicky Men’s Rights Activist (MRA) who’s alarmed that the 99.9 percent dominance of straight white males in media and entertainment has slipped to an alarming 99.7 percent, there’s guaranteed to be Something in Comedy (SIC) to invoke Massive Emotional Hurt (MEH). In fact, the paragraph you’ve just read has…

*Watch exclusive videos of the artists busking for charity. Learn about their favorite charities and how you can make a difference. All at esquire.com/busking. LYLE LOVETT FOR THE UNINITIATED: The sharp-dressed, exceptionally well mannered Texas Gentleman has made eleven albums that defy convention and categorization: Whether he’s dealing out country, swing, jazz, folk, gospel, or blues, those disparate sounds are united by what’s now a trademark, and perhaps unparalleled, mix of dry wit, cowboy wisdom, and, most of all, warmth and sincerity. And where he’s always shined brightest is onstage, with shows that routinely clock in at more than two hours, with his legendary Large Band or as part of an acoustic duo or quartet. ON THE FOLKS WHO MAKE CLOTHES: “They are wonderfully creative. They invest their entire lives…

KNOW YOUR ONE-LINERS! 1. Take my wife, _____. a. For instance. b. I’ll be along later. c. Please! 2. My hotel room was so small, when I closed the door the doorknob _____. a. Also closed since it’s part of the door. b. Got in bed with me. c. Was missing . . . uh oh! 3. You know what a hippie is: dresses like Tarzan, looks like Jane, smells like _____. a. Marijuana b. Poo-poo* c. Cheetah *Child’s word for doody. THE DENNIS MILLER AD-LIB Watching Bush handle a press conference is like watching historical fgure try to sing mezzo-soprano in nineteenth-century opera. He has more ticks than obscure third-base coach for early-sixties baseball team after a night of doing euphemism for crystal meth with nineteenth-century Russian author and…

On the 21st day of 2006, I bought two songs from the album #1s, by Destiny’s Child, on iTunes. The first was a Destiny’s Child song, “Independent Women Part 1,” and the second was “Check On It,” credited solely to Beyoncé, with a guest appearance by Slim Thug. Since then, according to iTunes, I have played “Independent Women” 399 times and “Check On It” 387. I have about 25,000 songs on my computer and play them mostly on shuffle, which means that the songs I’ve played the most are the songs that have been on my computer the longest. But I’ve played “Independent Women” and “Check On It” eight times more than Genesis’s “Carpet Crawlers,” the first song I bought on iTunes, back in 2003, and ten times more than…

Date of birth: April 4, 1979 Which makes her: 36 Dependent: A Maltipoo named Root Beer Maltipoo? Maltese + poodle Religious upbringing: Orthodox Jewish Hometown: Great Neck, New York Where she grew up in: Herman Melville’s house Other childhood backdrops: Israel, Manhattan’s Upper East Side, Miami Known for playing: Sardonic lesbians Despite the fact that she’s: Straight Critical comeback: Playing Litchfield Penitentiary’s charming lothario and recovering heroin addict, Nicky Nichols, on Netflix’s Orange Is the New Black. Whose more memorable scenes include: Seducing Catholic inmate and supposed bride-to-be Lorna Morello on the prison chapel altar. And who delivers lines like: “Next time, just sit on her face. It shuts her right up.” Which has: Inspired a barrage of social-media requests from fans for Lyonne to sit on their faces. Famous…

For 40-some years, Ralph Lauren’s polo shirts have been damn near everywhere, and now, for the first time, Lauren is offering a button-down shirt in the same breathable, stretchy cotton mesh that makes his polo shirt so comfortable. With some give in the cloth and a touch of texture, the Polo knit oxford (as RL calls it) is the most versatile shirt a man in the heat has going for him.…

The Blue One That’s More Royal Than Navy Forget the darker shades of fall and winter and try a richer, brighter shade of royal blue with some grit to it. The White One That’s Neither White nor a Suit Forget the matching two-piece shtick and try a jacket and a pair of trousers that both deliver their own kind of of-white. The Tone-on-Tone Seersucker One Forget blue-on-white stripes and try dark gray on light gray or dark blue on light blue. It’s still seersucker, all cool and crinkly, only 46 percent less fusty.…

State Park CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS You’re having: a mini pitcher of Narragansett and the boiled peanuts You can’t create a true dive just like that. Dives create themselves, out of the oddest material. The swankest bar in town falls on hard times and now it’s a dive. The corner tap, for whatever reason, starts attracting a mixed and raffish crowd, and the same. State Park is a new place, furnished with the wrack and ruin of other dives. That intentionality could suck. And yet the drinks are fine, the fried chicken is excellent, there’s a pinball machine and a jukebox, and everybody seems to be having a hell of a time. Mischief managed. 1 Kendall Square; 617-848-4355 J. J. Foley’s Café BOSTON You’re having: John Powers, neat Last year, some Bostonians…

Swim-up bars sing an alluring yet haunting song. They are the sirens of the pool at all-inclusive resorts and Vegas casinos. A mirage of honey-sweet melodies made up of submerged stools, Tiki-hut shade, and endless daiquiri mixes. Once in their grasp, you find yourself not wanting to leave. The hours slip away side by side in the concentration of friends and other tanned bodies drinking and hypnotized by the oasis. But herein lies the problem. While you are all sipping on a few too many cocktails and humming along to the Buffett, the idea, the concept, and the mere geography of the bathroom becomes a far distant land. So you and your barmates . . . pee. You just pee. Right there at the bar. As you sip. As you…

HARLEM TAP ROOM: 4161 Dr. Martin Luther King Drive; no phone You’re having: Johnnie Walker Red and ginger ale THE DUBLINER: 1025 Washington Avenue; 314-421-4300 You’re having: a pint of Smithwick’s; the pork rinds SCHLAFLY TAP ROOM: 2100 Locust Street; 314-241-2337 You’re having: a pint of the (award-winning) Kölsch URBAN CHESTNUT BREWING COMPANY: 3229 Washington Avenue; 314-222-0143 You’re having: a pint of the Zwickel DRESSEL’S PUBLIC HOUSE: 419 North Euclid Avenue; 314-361-1060 You’re having: a pint of the cask ale and a (hot) pretzel LLYWELYN’S PUB: 4747 McPherson Avenue; 314-361-3003 You’re having: a pint of Civil Life brown ale SILVERLEAF LOUNGE: 3442 Hereford Street; no phone You’re having: a shot of Beam and a can of Stag; potato chips THE ROYALE: 3132 South Kingshighway Boulevard; 314-772-3600 You’re having: a Lafayette…

Forty-four years ago, when Esquire published its first Famous School for Comedians brochure, the future of comedy was bright—but narrow. Comedians, it predicted, would be replaced by hundreds of “joke bots”— sophisticated androids that could unspool hours and hours of preprogrammed comedy routines. A single joke bot was estimated to do the job of twelve individual comedians, with zero demands for comp drinks, postshow narcotics, or even the shabbiest hotel room. ¶ Boy, do we have free-range, small-batch artisanal egg on our faces! With only four currently operational joke bots working in the American Midwest, the field of comedy has instead opened its doors to scores of unjustly marginalized voices! Every week, new boundaries are broken (and ribs are tickled!) by comedians who are women, minorities, gay and lesbian, transgendered,…

Believe it or not, the year 2015 will one day be a sepia-toned memory. It’s true! Someday your downloaded consciousness, speaking from the vocal horn of a lab-mutated elk-crocodile hybrid genetically engineered to live on the sentient slag-plains of what used to be North America, will tell your grand-crocelks about the turbulent, creative apex of what comedy was in 2015. And those little crocelks will wave their hind tentacles in disbelief! And that’s why the Famous School for Comedians is introducing its forward-looking “hypothetical education” survey course. These “hypo-cational” classes will have you rolling your eyes and smarmily saying “Seen it” when the future of comedy hits your friends like a brakeless tractor-trailer full of cattle intestines! BlpBlp for Poets This class covers the oft-rumored, forthcoming sleeker version of Twitter.…

Store Information For the items featured in Esquire, please consult the Web site or call the number provided. Style, p. 65: Massimo Alba jacket and shirt, barneys.com. Billy Reid trousers, billyreid.com. Banana Republic boots, bananarepublic.com. Neville Wakefield for Rimowa suitcase, rimowa.com. P. 66: Polo Ralph Lauren shirt, ralphlauren.com. Ermenegildo Zegna Couture tie, zegna.com. Dockers trousers, dockers.com. Boss belt, hugoboss.com. Hats: Polo Ralph Lauren; ralphlauren.com. Baldwin Denim, eastdane.com. Gents, gentsco.com. Cole Haan & Todd Snyder oxfords, colehaan.com. P. 68: L.B.M. 1911 suit, 616-957-3242. Polo Ralph Lauren T-shirt, ralphlauren.com. Onitsuka Tigersneakers, onitsukatiger.com. Giorgio Armani belt, armani.com. Freemans Sporting Club jacket and trousers, freemanssportingclub.com. Nautica shirt, nautica.com. Brooks Brothers tie, brooksbrothers.com. Oliver Sweeney shoes, oliversweeney.com. Bonobos suit, bonobos.com. Sunspel shirt, sunspel.com. Esquivel shoes, store.esquivelshoes.com. Sunglasses: Oliver Peoples, oliverpeoples.com. Dom Vetro, domvetro.com. Barton Perreira,…

For the first time in four years, this issue is not about fatherhood. Each of our last three June/July issues dealt with the fact that a lot of us are fathers and that all of us have fathers and that the relationship with our fathers or our children is one of the foundational elements of our lives. We still believe that, of course; we just decided to take a break and, as summer approaches over the near horizon, concentrate on having some fun. It might actually be a good time for us to take a break, because there are signs that the denigration of the American father is beginning to ease up. For 25 years—really since The Cosby Show went off the air— fathers appeared in popular culture predominantly as…

COST OF SHAKING HER HAND $1,868 (The exchange rate of a £1,265 meet-and greet ticket on her 2009 European tour.) $11.99 and a tremendous amount of luck (The 1.3 million fans who bought 1989 the week of its release were eligible to win one of 500 meet and greets with Swift.) PEAK SELF-AWARENESS The lyric “Of course sometimes shit go down / When it’s a billion dollars on an elevator,” a reference to leaked footage of her sister attacking Jay Z at the Standard hotel The “Blank Space” music video, in which Swift plays a vengeful man-eater CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE LEXICON Bootylicious adj: sexually attractive; voluptuous Surfbort n: a bathtubbased sex act Taylurking n: surveillance of fans’ social-media accounts TRADEMARK VICTORIES/DEFEATS Losing the branding rights of daughter Blue Ivy’s name…

No one wants to put a price on love. But there’s only so much a person can reasonably tender. It’s a sliding scale based on what you can give and how close you are to the couple. Here are a few guidelines. The baseline: You’re spending $600 to attend. Plus a gift. American Express found that with travel, accommodations, and wardrobe, guests spend $592 on average just to attend a wedding, and that they pay an additional $109 for a wedding gift—$200 if they’re family. The exception: $600 puts you in debt. If the cost to get there is a big chunk—let’s say 3 percent—of your annual income (after taxes), a card and your charm will be just fen. Though so would a jointly bought gift. The main question: How…

Among people who love jokes, it’s enough to yell “His brother was worse”—as some guy will at the funeral for a fellow everyone hated. So that’s the U.S. dollar. It’s in horrendous shape after six years of quantitative easing and interest rates asymptotic to zero. But all the other currencies are worse. That’s the main reason 2015 will be the biggest year for corporate mergers and acquisitions in history. It is the abundance of currency (which can be cash, debt, or stock) that drives M&A activity. The underlying operational bases for such transactions (like accessing new markets, acquiring assets on the cheap, creating operating efficiencies) are usually secondary. In other words, deals don’t happen because the dealmakers have ideas; they happen because the dealmakers have the currency to make them…

God bless the porkpie guy, and we wish the hipster in the straw boating hat nothing but the best. The rest of us, we’re ball-cap wearers, and there are tons of grown-up variations on the frat-house favorite. On the higher-fashion end of the spectrum, we’ve got lids like the above from Baldwin Denim and Gents—dark gray or blue, straight brim (or a minimal curve), rigid construction—while at the other extreme are the squashable, curvable types typified by the pinkish Polo hat. They’re all a step up from what we’d get at any MLB souvenir stand, and they’ll all come in mighty handy when the sunshine gets serious. HOW TO WEAR A BALL CAP…

We love a good pair of wire aviators as much as any sitting U. S. vice-president, but the most interesting things in sunglasses this summer are happening with acetate. This plant-based plastic material can take on subtle, supple curves, like those in Oliver Peoples’s new Jack Huston line; or rich tones, such as Dom Vetro’s version of tortoiseshell; or unexpected colors, like Barton Perreira’s and Ross & Brown’s. The latest iterations of acetate are both lighter and stronger than the ones that came before, meaning that they’re much more likely to survive till next year.…

FOR GOLF Famous among denim geeks for its souped-up, cutting-edge jeans, AG Adriano Goldschmied recently introduced AG Green Label, a golf line that combines great fits and interesting colors with all the technical elements (wicking fibers, UV protection) that help us stay cool. Polo shirt ($138) by AG Green Label. FOR TENNIS  Of all the Uniqlo shirts that Novak Djokovic is paid so handsomely to wear on the court, this is the one he likes best. Its cut and construction maximize flexibility, and it’s made from Uniqlo’s Dry-Ex, a woven cloth that dries quickly and keeps things comfortable. Polo shirt ($30) by Uniqlo.…

The idea of naming the bars on these pages the best bars in America is obviously absurd. America has thousands and thousands of bars, and hundreds of great ones. So this isn’t the Oscars of bars. It’s the Hall of Fame of bars. So far, over the course of ten years, we’ve enrolled almost three hundred bars in dozens of cities. Bars of all kinds, from the diviest dives to the geekiest speakeasies, as long as they’re places that make you want to drink there, places that didn’t come in a box with a set of instructions and corporate logos stamped on all the parts. This year we’ve got more bars than ever, but fewer speakeasy-style craft-cocktail bars. There’s a reason for that. Ten years on, some of the people…

My wife and I had just finished dinner at Local 127 in Cincinnati, a fine modern American bistro with a good bar (since, alas, closed), and we stopped on our way out to ask the bartender where else was good to have a drink in town. He named a couple more restaurants with good cocktails and then mentioned, as an afterthought, a place called “O’Malley’s in the Alley,” adding apologetically that it was “kind of a dive.” Then the manager chimed in. “You’re not sending these nice folks into the Barmuda Triangle, are you?” Needless to say, our curiosity was piqued. Said Triangle, it turned out, was a trio of downtown dives arranged in such a way that once you went to [1] O’Malley’s(25 Ogden Place; 513-381-3114), an Irishy sort…

THE DAY Ted Kaczynski realized he was capable of murder was the same day he showed up to his psychiatry appointment to talk about becoming a transsexual. He wanted a sex-change operation. His whole life, Ted Kaczynski was one of those guys who couldn’t figure out how to connect with other people. He was awkward and insecure, and definitely a disaster with the women. But he longed to connect; he just couldn’t figure out how to do it. And when he did try, in whatever way the Unabomber might, men and women alike rejected him. But as a transsexual— as a woman—the power dynamics might shift, or maybe his ability to connect to others would change. He didn’t know, and wanted to talk to a psychiatrist about the desire. At…

I’d say: “Now watch. Watch what I’m going to do. That one there. You like that one? You choose that one? Watch what I’m gonna do. In the normal way of trade, a beautiful piece like that—forget about what it costs! Forget about what it’s worth! I’m gonna make you the envy of the crowd! Watch what I’m gonna do! If I said not £500, not 450, not 400, not 320, not 310—should I keep going? 310, 280, 270— should I keep going? Madam? Yes? That’s what she said last night, it’s why I’m so fucking tired. Keep going? Her. If I was to say, for that beautiful piece there, if I said 10 pounds, could you pay? Yes? Leave the rest to me! Now show me you’re genuine and…

The honorary rank of Dean Emeritus is a special distinction conferred upon only the most outstanding individuals whose contributions to the school and to comedy have left an indelible mark. Albert Brooks TENURE: 1971 “A comedian’s comedian is much the same as a writer’s writer or a trumpet player’s trumpet player. The difference being that a writer and a trumpet player are not the same as a comedian.” Bob Odenkirk and David Cross TENURE: 2002 “Entire lives have been wasted struggling in nightclubs trying to develop a ‘unique’ style. Don’t add yours to the pile.”…

Comedy is easy Being a clown is hard. “Sparky,” the kids bleat, not quite sold. “I can’t hear you!” His stentorian voice, cultivated on stages as large as Carnegie Hall, where he once sold out two straight performances, carries through the swirling smoke from the barbecue and across the carefully manicured terrain of Marina Park in San Leandro, California, just south of Oakland. Beyond his little audience of kids and parents, groups of friends and families of every hue and ethnicity pursue the traditional American pleasures of a weekend visit to the public green. An Asian family gathers around an elder; a bouquet of Mylar balloons tied to his wheelchair bobbles in the breeze. A pretty brunette in a princess costume applies makeup to the first little girl in a…

JANUARY/FEBRUARY ISSUE > Due to a production error, two sentences appearing in the What I’ve Learned interviews of U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder and actor/comedian Kevin Hart were accidentally transposed. It was Hart who said, “What I don’t think we as a nation, or as a world, have addressed is the question of climate change.” And it was Holder who said, “Babies are ugly when they first come out.” We regret the error. > On page 14, the publishing masthead lists our esteemed colleague Leah Doyle as “Spirits & Florida Manager.” Esquire would simply like to acknowledge that this job at the magazine is, in fact, as much fun as it sounds. MARCH ISSUE > The cover line “The 7 Things You Need to Know About. . . Style in…