Globe April 17, 2023

THE BIG BUN THEORY! Pregnant KALEY CUOCO’s hair is as big as her baby bump while toddling home in sweatpants after a pampering spa day BOXED SET! Spider-Man TOM HOLLAND’s superpowers desert him as he struggles to haul cartons of his old stuff to a local charity shop JEEPERS CREEPERS, THOSE PEEPERS! Red-rimmed CATE BLANCHETT looks like a cryin’ mess wearing oversized Derek Lam glasses in London WAKING UP IS HARD TO DO Geriatric crooner PAUL ANKA yawns his way through a performance at the Hard Rock Live in Hollywood, Fla. IT’S A STRETCH! Side-splitting funnyman JOHN LEGUIZAMO performs some pants-splitting antics while shooting The Daily Show in downtown New York City FINGER-PICKIN’ GOOD! Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick’s daughter, SOSIE BACON, goes digging for treasure while filming the movie…

PERFECTIONIST Jennifer Lopez’s constant indecision and inability to settle on a surrogate baby mom has hubby Ben Affleck stressed and frustrated to the max, sources blab. The 53-year-old songbird and the 50-year-old Justice League hunk who married last year — after calling off their 2003 wedding — are eager to have a child together via IVF and have been interviewing prospective surrogates for months, “but Jennifer keeps backing out at the last second,” spills a spy. “She’s driving Ben up the wall. She’s too damn picky and indecisive.” Ben is “on board with the idea” of starting a family with his bride, but “the endless quest for perfection is really burning him out,” tattles the tipster. And her fussiness is reportedly also gumming up plans to buy a new love…

ON THE heels of a surprising divorce from Jim Toth, Reese Witherspoon’s pals are pushing the blond beauty to see if she can rekindle the magic she once shared with first hubby Ryan Phillippe, insiders tattle. The 47-year-old Morning Show darling recently announced her split from her former talent agent baby daddy after nearly 12 years of marriage — and sources say Ryan, 48, has been her rock. “The bond, sheer love and respect between Reese and Ryan has never gone away, even at the height of their respective troubles,” spills an insider. The exes had each other’s backs during Ryan’s messy split and assault case with ex-girlfriend, Playboy model Elsie Hewitt, who sued the actor in 2017 claiming he kicked, punched and threw her down stairs. He denied her…

BLINDSIDED Tom Brady is outraged after hearing gossip his ex-wife, Gisele Bündchen, has secretly been huddling with his billionaire fishing buddy Jeffrey Soffer! Hours after a splashy candid interview with his 42-year-old supermodel ex hit the stands, newly re-retired Touchdown Tom, 45, posted a message about enduring the “betrayal of false friends.” The phrase struck many as a pointed barb at Tom’s onetime pal Soffer, 55, who had lived next door to the storybook couple in the “Billionaire Bunker,” an ultra-exclusive Miami neighborhood. “Tom is stunned by this,” says a source. “He feels like he has no one left he can trust!” However, Gisele insists she has “zero relationship” with Soffer in any way, insisting the engaged business mogul is Tom’s friend, not hers, and calls talk of a hookup…

A MATEUR chef Ryan Seacrest’s gorging on his homemade meals and, as a result, has grown some unsightly man boobs and a flabby dad gut, sources say. Once a fitness fanatic, the former 48-year-old Live with Kelly and Ryan co-host seems to have gone to seed after a March 19 photo showing him enjoying a day at the beach in Miami revealed his sexy six-pack has vanished. “Ryan still looks good by most standards, but he’s not used to being heavyset and it’s freaking him out how fast it’s all packing on,” dishes an insider. “All of a sudden, he has clothes that are bursting at the buttons, spare tires are forming around his waist and he’s retaking selfies because he’s so paranoid about his jowls and growing double chin.”…

MOST aging stars desperately try to look young with Botox and surgery, but 57-year-old former teen icon Justine Bateman isn’t changing a thing and says “I don’t give a sh*t” about getting old! The actress, who gained fame at age 16 playing Mallory Keaton on Family Ties, says celebs who are frantically fighting to hold back Father Time “are just not enjoying life.” Says the wrinkly sitcom legend, “I feel sad that they are distracted from the things they’re meant to do in life with this consuming idea that they’ve got to fix their face before anything else can happen.” Now a writer-director, she also refuses to hide behind the claim by some, who refuse cosmetic fixes, that the aging process is “beautiful. I just don’t give a sh*t. I think I…