Table of contents for February 2026 in Viz

I WAS at a garden party at Buckingham Palace earlier in the year and snapped this corker of Queen Camilla. Chris Brown, Southampton IMAGINE my elation of seeing my photo of Ricky Gervais printed in the latest issue. And then imagine my subsequent disappointment when I saw that you had wrongly attributed it to ‘Colin, Harrow’ as opposed to ‘Stuart, Cheshunt’. The only time I’ve ever had a letter printed in a publication and both my name and location were wrong. Gutted. Stuart Francis, Cheshunt * We are extremely sorry, Stuart. And shame on Colin from Harrow, claiming credit for someone else’s entry.…

HI. DONALD J TRUMP here. Now there’s nothing I like more than having a little nap at work four or fives times a day. And I have no trouble dropping off – whether it’s during a meeting in the oval office, a lunch with a foreign ambassador, or during a White House press conference – I just fold my arms, shut my eyes and I’m in the land of Nod. And if you have trouble getting some shuteye during the day, here’s a few little tips to get you dragging in those zeds – or zees, as we call them over here in MAGA land. 1. Let your mind go blank There is nothing guaranteed to keep you awake more than having to concentrate. So when you’ve got some schmuck in…

20% OFF ON SOFTBACK EDITION ONLY It’s the most wonderful time of the year… Revised and updated, the BRAND NEW 18th edition of our legendary guide to collectable music is in the shops now, and available to order directly from us. Also available exclusively from us is the beautiful limited hardback edition signed by its new editor, longtime RC contributor, author and DJ Daryl Easlea. The Rare Record Price Guide 2026 is a voice of reason in the often excitable, hectic world of collecting. 20% OFF Use Code: RRPG20 shop.recordcollectormag.com/rcbook subscriptions@metropolis.co.uk USE CODE: RRPG20 use code RRPG20 and SAVE 20% SCAN ME…

DIRECT TO THE UK If YOU’VE got an infestation of rats in your home, then why not ‘turn tail’ and zhuzh them up with our RATS2SQUIRRELS faux fur squirrel tails? Our bespoke, fluffy squirrel tails have a hollow, elasticated core to fit most lengths of rat tail, instantly turning horrible, scurrying vermin into charming woodland creatures straight out of an Enid Blyton or Beatrix Potter children’s book! Order NOW at rats2squirrels.com and don’t forget, the bigger your order, the bigger the savings! “I’m out.” Mr J, Buckinghamshire “If I’m able to catch them to put the tail on, why can’t I just put them outside?” Mrs M, Somerset “I wish you the best of luck but it’s not for me.” Mr B. London…

THE UK adult toy industry is in crisis this week as it comes to terms with a report claiming that by as early as next year, there will be no new sex aids left to invent. The report, compiled up by the British Consortium of Marital Appliance Designers says that all devices possible have now been developed and nothing new will hit the market ever again. “Let’s face it, there are only so many things you can rub yourself with, push inside you or shove yourself into,” said Bill Shipton, one of the authors of the report and head designer at sex toy manufacturers PinkLust. “Ever since the first Neanderthal shoved his wotsit into a carved-out melon while his missus pleasured herself with a dinosaur’s toe bone, humans have been developing…

The Edinburgh Wooden Mill Spring Collection is here, with the very best in traditional, all-natural men’s and women’s wooden clothing. All sizes always in stock from infant up to 4x2. Our garments are guaranteed 100% splinter and pilling-free. Unattractive to all native species of moth, our clothes will outlast your wardrobe!* Dry clean only, otherwise the wooden garments will warp. * Although all are clothes are mothresistant, we recommend treating them with a specialist wood pesticide, coupled with a protective varnish seal to deter woodworm. THE EDINBURGH WOODEN MILL “Oor Claes Gang Oan Fore’er” edinburghwoodenmill.co.uk…

SAVE 20% USE CODE RCGEORGE20 AT CHECKOUT Record Collector Presents George Harrison is the third in Record Collector’s series of acclaimed ‘Beatlezines’. It is time to make some noise for the “Quiet One”. Looking at his solo career in depth from 1968 to 2002, it features some of the best writers, peers, admirers, and authorities. Jo Kendall assesses Dark Horse Records, Radio Times film critic and RC treasure Terry Staunton looks at HandMade films; Morecambe and Wise biographer Louis Barfe explores George’s lifelong love of humour. There is a comprehensive 9-PAGE UK discography, as well as assessments of all George’s studio albums, features on his compilations, singles, key rarities, lots of lovely pictures and much, much more. Pre-order now and save 20% using the code RCGEORGE20 at checkout. shop.recordcollectormag.com On sale…

COMEDY double-act survivor Paul Chuckle has found a new partner in the form of bass player Dave Hodges from cockney duo Chas and Dave. And the new act – Chuckle Brother and Dave – is already setting tongues wagging on the showbiz circuit. “The Chuckle Brothers and Chas and Dave were household names when Paul and Dave’s respective partners were still this side of the ethereal veil,” said theatrical agent Harry Stigwood. “I think the two survivors getting together and forming a brand new double act is a match made in heaven.” During their time on the comedy circuit, the Chuckle Brothers enjoyed a 21-series run of ChuckleVision on the BBC, and regularly played live shows to packed theatres up and down the country. And although the coveted number one slot…

UNRECOGNISABLE athletes. When you appear on a TV game show, make sure you’re wearing all your medals round your neck so everyone knows who the fuck you are. Bob Pitt, Kendal IF YOU feel the need to break wind and someone is walking directly behind you, make a “PHEW!” sound and wave your hand in front of your nose shortly before dropping your gut. Those behind you will think it was the person in front of you, or perhaps a passing sewage wagon. Lee Perkins, Birmingham PEOPLE with overbites. Use a thin slice of bread on the top of your sandwich and a thick slice on the bottom in order to compensate. Using the slices in reverse will compensate for an underbite. Russ Poor, Shittlehampton INCELS. Make your unfortunate situation your…

Defy Father Time in 2026 with OLD ALMANACKERS TESTICULAR WRINKLE REMOVER There is NO EXCUSE for a wrinkled nutsack in the 21st century. No matter what your age, you can now remove UNSIGHTLY CREASES from your plums. Apply patent Old Almaknackers Testicular Wrinkle Remover cream nightly to achieve the SMOOTH FINISH of your dreams. In these times of manscaping, dating apps and dick-pics where appearance is everything, this lotion can finally make you presentable. “THE MIRACLE OF THE AGE” Testemonials “People used to make fun of my crinkly testes. Such lazy jokes, such low-hanging fruit. Thanks to OLD ALMANACKERS TESTICULAR WRINKLE REMOVER Cream, they’re not laughing now.” Mr AM, Derby “A CAPITAL EMOLLIENT. It’s like my clockweights have been given an iron! What a splendid feeling!” Mr B, Essex OLD…

ITV chiefs are rumoured to be planning to bring darts-themed gameshow Bullseye back onto our screens for a FOURTH time. The half-hour programme originally aired in 1981 under the stewardship of bespectacled northern comedian Jim Bowen, his bovine sidekick Bully, and veteran score-keeper Tony Green. The show was an instant ratings success, as audiences responded to its blend of cheeky humour, catchphrases and glittering prizes, intercut with darts action on the oche from both contestants and guest professional players. Throughout the 1980s, Bullseye was an iconic Sunday teatime fixture, bringing 30 minutes’ joy to a public mentally bruised by the miners’ strike, the Troubles in Northern Ireland and the Yorkshire Ripper. But interest waned, viewing figures dropped, and the show was summarily axed in 1995 after a 14-year run. More…

WE’RE on a crusade to help the British Consortium of Marital Aid Designers by designing a brand new sex toy. Or rather, “We’ve we’re only got going so many to ask holes,” YOU he to added. do it! We want Viz readers to let their saucy imaginations run wild and come up with a brand new erotic appliance, the likes of which has never been seen before – something to take the adult toy market by storm. It can be anything you like, designed for men, women or both. It can be of a rigid construction, or have moving parts. If electric, it can be powered by battery, USB, mains electricity or 3-phase. It could even be clockwork. As long as it’s safe, original and brings the user to climax,…

GREETINGS, EARTHLINGS! It is I, Emperor MING THE MERCILESS from the planet Mongo here. When I’m not destroying life across the solar system at my will, crushing civilisations like flies, I like nothing more than amusing myself by considering the springs of your puny Earth. Be they coiled metal objects with a high coefficient of restitution, the points on a planet’s surface where a natural water supply emerges from the ground, or the season that follows your winter and precedes your summer, all sorts of springs fascinate me. But know this… if the size of my intergalactic mailbag is anything to go by, it seems that you puny Viz readers can’t get enough of the fuckers either! So without further ado, I decree that it’s time to proceed with your springiest…

☐ IT IS quite right that His Majesty the King has stripped the former Prince Andrew of all his titles, leaving him now plain old Andrew Mountbatten Windsor. However, Windsor is quite a posh town and I think the king should have gone one step further and changed his name to Slough or Hounslow. Both are only a stone’s throw from Windsor but lack its gravitas by some margin. Or Staines. Andrew Mountbatten Staines, there you go. Just an idea. S Bates, email ☐ COMEON, Prince Andrew. You have been found out, so now is the time to write a book about your shagging adventures. I would certainly buy it, and it could even be made into a film. You could title it ‘My Life as the Shagging Prince’, although…

THE age of the internet has made the purchase of marital aids a doddle. Gone are the days of shuffling into an adult shop with your collar turned up, making a hasty purchase and leaving quickly before you are spotted. Now you can browse the products online, make your purchase by credit card and have your chosen marital aid delivered discreetly to your door in a plain brown wrapper. Barring a massive data breach at the company, your anonymity is guaranteed. But what of those people who don’t have access to the internet, or who aren’t in possession of a credit card? They are still forced to suffer the shame and humiliation of going into a shop and handing over the money to a man – or even worse, a…

SHE is yet to spend a night at Lambeth Palace, but Archbishop of Canterbury-designate Dame Sarah Mullally is already courting controversy. That’s because the Church of England’s first woman senior prelate wants to replenish her church’s coffers by setting up a short-term, high-interest loan company. CofEXCLUSIVE! To be known as ‘CofEasy Money’, the payday lending arm of the established church will leverage the institution’s considerable property portfolio to release capital, which it will then lend to desperate parishioners at rates of up to 32% compounded monthly. Mullally told reporters that the exorbitant interest venture was a perfect fit for the Anglican Communion. “The Church has a long-standing relationship with the poor, offering spiritual help in times of need,” she said. “And while this is all well and good, our philanthropy…

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Across 8 Organ comes from behind on a chocolate starfish (4) 9 Oily goolie, 8 Across slippery (10) 11 8 Acrosses less hard - are they easy? (7) 12 Suffer buggering up of its 8 Across (7) 13 Pest tickling nice 8 Across (8) 15 Sister fucked, sad (6) 18 Plonker, penis real wobbly in dog (6,7) 22 8 Across has it off somewhere in the US (6) 24 Special girl with 8 Across to fiddle with (8) 26 Fuel girl drinks in London area where spit roast grumble flicks available (7) 28 Todger-shaped item squeezed by bun, her family beyond gleeful initially (7) 30 Rector with 8 Across excited storytellers (10) 31 Throbbing penis, or erection’s gobbled (4) Down 1 Pig 8 Across manipulated - not coming straight away?…

I’VE just seen a helicopter fly overhead and it got me wondering, if you stripped it down to all its components, how many springs would there be? Edward Landseer, Goole The Late Professor Wolff replies: That’s a very good question, Mr Landseer, and the answer will depend on the make and model of the helicopter. But rest assured there will be springs throughout, in the rotor system, the landing gear, the engine components, the control mechanisms, and much more. There will also be springs in the seats to keep the pilot and passengers comfy on a long flight. There will even be a little spring in the biro the pilot uses to fill in the pre-flight log. So to answer your question – dozens, possibly hundreds, maybe even thousands. SPRING BLOOPERS…