Table of contents for June/July 2025 in Viz

WE were all bullied at school, and it never did us any harm. Relentless physical, mental and verbal attacks by stronger children on weaker ones are character building and encourage self-improvement in the ones being beaten up and tormented on a daily basis. But some woolly liberals and bleeding-heart dog-ooders would have you believe bullying is wrong, and they would even outlaw this harmless practice if they could. And their whining has finally opened the bullying debate amongst our readers. Here are a few of the best letters we have received. WHY DO school bullies always pick on one kid? There is always a group of four or five hard-nuts hassling one smaller child for his dinner money. When I was at school, my dinner money was £2 which, when…

OUR TV screens are littered with stars, and we invite them into our homes every night. A few are rough and ready, characters we recognise but wouldn’t necessarily trust with the family silver. But most celebs are friendly faces, familiar and reliable, worthy of the national Treasure status that they have. But it is just these sort of people – dependable, well-educated and amiable – who are behind the current wave of cosy crime that is sweeping our ivy-encrusted villages and half-timbered hamlets. We should be as suspicious of them as we would be of a delinquent youth in a hoodie. We asked three of our cosiest celebrities what cosy crime they would commit if they were going to commit-one. Which, our lawyer would like us to point out, obviously…

WE asked 3 late celebrities with the word ‘Big’ in their names – if they were still alive, what would their breakfast of choice be? Big Daddy Late wrestler If I were still alive, you would probably expect me to have a breakfast commensurate with my 26-stone frame. But ironically, when I was existent, I would only eat a small breakfast, perhaps a soft-boiled quail’s egg with tiny soldiers made from half a slice of Slimcea. After my pre-breakfast snack of a whole roast turkey dinner with a sack of roast spuds and all the trimmings washed down with ten pints of silver-top milk, I didn’t have much of an appetite. Big John Holmes Late adult film entertainer Well, you probably expect me to say that before I died, my favourite…

HERE at Viz, we know the importance of starting the day with a good breakfast, and whilst we’re not going to buy you one, we are going to give you a slice of fried bread to accompany your Full English ABSOLUTELY FREE! That’s right – just pop into any participating café in the UK displaying the Viz Free Fried Slice badge in the window and order and pay for a Full English breakfast. Then slap a copy of Viz Comic on the counter and say ‘A Slice Would be Nice’ – and a slice of fried bread will be added to your order – on us! GET YOUR FREE FRIED SLICE ON VIZ HERE! To the café owner. If you would like to participate in our Free Fried Slice campaign,…

GREAT REASONS TO SUBSCRIBE! A whole year of Viz delivered to your door or device before it hits the shops and for less than the cover price per issue, packed plum-full of your favourite rude jokes and ribald cartoons. Subscribe NOW and receive a FREE Viz travel mug!* ORDER TODAY, QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZ346P shop.viz.co.uk/viz346p hello@metropolis.co.uk 020 8752 8195 *The trial offer will automatically revert to a 6-month direct debit which will auto renew. If you wish to cancel the direct debit offer, please contact us via phone or email. Offer and free gift are valid for new UK customers only, one per household and while stocks last. Please allow six weeks for delivery.…

A RECENT White House visit by Italian PM Giorgia Meloni should ensure her country gets a favourable deal on tariffs, US state officials revealed. But it wasn’t hard bargaining on the Italian PM’s part that swung the deal – it was the gift to Donald Trump of the world’s largest pepper mill. The Florida crime family boss and 47th President was said to be ‘mightily impressed’ with the three-foot long restaurant-style grinder, which was presented to him by Meloni during an ‘off camera’ meeting. limpet The traditional outsized condiment dispenser, of the sort favoured by amorous Italian waiters the world over, appeared to mark the start of a new special relationship between the two populist leaders. And according to White House staffers, the rightwing Italian PM then cemented that relationship by…

FANS celebrating after their favourite shade was once again named Britain’s top choice of tint for trousers. At the 2025 British Clothing Colours Awards staged in London’s Grosvenor Hotel, the much-loved primary hue beat off stiff competition from long-time rivals black and brown to nab the prestigious honour for a 63rd consecutive year. With a fourth place, green saw its best showing since 1998, when the popularity of women’s ‘combat-pants’ was at its height, due largely to girl-band All Saints. Tactically styled trousering of that same style has again driven the modern green resurgence, although a spokesman for the colour said that it would always have a timeless appeal due to its prevalence in trees, leaves and grass. But it was blue’s evening, and as well as taking the Trouser award,…

IT’S the question that could well be splitting the country down the middle and renting families in twain, although there’s no actual evidence that it’s doing either. Which is the best person or thing known as “The Rock”? IFor some, the answer has to be musclebound Hollywood star DWAYNE JOHNSON, who began his career as popular WWF wrestler “The Rock”. For others, the answer is Derby-born butlerturned-florist PAUL BURRELL, who famously declared himself to be late Queen-of-Hearts Princess Diana’s “Rock”. And yet for others still, it is indisputably the fearsome Californian penitentiary ALCATRAZ, dubbed “The Rock” due to its escape-proof island location. But which one of these inverted-commas-surrounded “Rocks” is truly the greatest? It’s time for this hypothetically longstanding debate to finally to reach its conclusion, as we put these…

THIEVES. Lay claim to anything you brazenly steal by simply prefacing the object with your name. Such as “Steve’s flat-screen TV”, or “Eddie’s laptop”. Lord Elgin, Broomhall House AN OLD ‘Get Well Soon’ card would be an ideal reminder to send to a Yorkshireman who has no access to a water supply of any kind. Henry Hamill, Co Monaghan MAKE your own Cadbury’s Twirl at home by taking two Cadbury’s Flakes, melting one down and using the melted chocolate to coat the second. Shenkin Arsecandle, Llareggub toptips@viz.co.uk…

IT’S the most important meal of the day, except dinner. Some people eat a big one, others eat a small one. Some even skip it all together, and other bonkers individuals eat fruit for it. It’s BREAKFAST, and it’s the first thing we shovel into our face when we get up in the morning. Unless we don’t. But have you ever wondered what breakfast would be like in space? It is an important question, as billionaires will eventually be forced to leave the planet they have destroyed and seek a new home elsewhere in the galaxy, and they cannot search for inhabitable planets in far-flung star systems without a good breakfast inside them. Here’s a countdown of… 10 PUTTING things into space is an expensive business. The NASA Space Shuttle stuck…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk B&B n. Drawing attention to yourself by means of exaggeration and lies. From Bluster and Bollocks. begin the healing process 1. phr. pop. psych. To attempt to come to terms with a past traumatic event and start to move on from it. 2. phr. When afflicted with booze  fuelled hairache, to take the first massive shit of the day and start feeling slightly less terminal. big birther n. A producer of proper high-calibre pansmashers, named after the famous 17” calibre WW1 Hunnish artillery piece – the M-Gerßät. big dipper 1. n. Historic Blackpool rollercoaster ride which, since opening in 1923, has not killed a single passenger. 2. n. astron. The Plough, up in space near the Moon. 3. n. A well-endowed fellow who is hung like a Pringles tin. See also gut buster, tonsil tickler…

WHEN washing your car and a ‘comedian’ neighbour tells you that you can wash his car next, simply spray him with the hose and tell him to get fucked. Peter Busby, Perth REDUCE the amount of time vicars spend visiting you by not offering them more tea. John Turnbull, Hartlepool WHEN travelling by plane, take a Grab Bag of Walkers crisps with you. They will magically inflate due to cabin pressure and can be used as a travel pillow. When you wake up – Hey presto! – a tasty snack! Gray Wilson, Prescot toptips@viz.co.uk…

COSY crime – the popular literary genre telling stories of mild-mannered criminals operating in quintessentially British settings – has now moved off the moved off the pages of our books and onto the streets of our villages. According to police, incidents of gently unlawful acts of the sort made famous by writers like Richard Osman, Anthony Horowitz and MC Beaton have reached epidemic proportions. And the police are laying the blame squarely at the door of the authors who pen the stories. “The fact is that whilst incidents of mugging and drug related crime have fallen slightly over the the past two years, the levels of cosy crime have increased by almost 70%,” said Fulchester Constabulary Chief Athelstan Popkess. “And whereas as a police force, we would generally target younger…

AS WE rush around cooking breakfast, showering and getting ready for work, there never seems to be enough time at the start of the day to get everything done. So the Full English in a can could be a game changer. We went out on the streets to see what YOU would do with those extra 18 minutes every morning. “…I’M ALWAYS frantically rushing round, getting the kids ready for school before setting off to my equally hectic job as a city trader. So I would use those eighteen minutes to relax with a good book before the stresses of the day. I’d go for something non-challenging, like a Jean Plaidy historical novel, or some romantic fiction by Barbara Cartland or EL James.” Emma Battenburg, hedge fund manager “…I WOULD…

Sip a double espresso, flat white or cappuccino whilst hundreds of vermin scuttle around out of the corner of your eye! All our cafés are completely infested with vermin. Great for coffee lovers who appreciate seeing small furry creatures scurrying about over the table and around their feet. “I took my wife to the Latte Mouseyatto. The coffee was delicious and she spent the entire time standing on a chair clutching her skirt and screaming.” Mr B, Essex “I tried to flick a mouse away that was nibbling my coffee cake and it bit me and I had to have a tetanus jab. I will definitely go back.” Mrs H, Omskirk CHECK FOODS STANDARDS AGENCY WEBSITE FOR DETAILS!…

AT a hastily arranged press conference yesterday, terminally ill Leeds handyman David Homunculus issued a desperate plea to Hollywood A-Lister Emma Stone: “Make a dying man’s wish come true and engage in three-way sexual intercourse with me and the missus.” Dave, 48, was diagnosed with a frozen shoulder last January, and whilst a steroid injection in March relieved his symptoms, doctors told him he may only regain 95% of the mobility in the affected arm. And they delivered the news that he could well be dead, almost certainly of something else, in just four or five decades’ time. “The doc told me I had forty years left, fifty if I was lucky, and the news came like a body blow,” he told reporters. “On the way home, I started making…