Table of contents for March 2025 in Viz

letters@viz.co.uk toptips@viz.co.uk ☐ FIRST of all it’s paedophiles and then it’s foreign spies. It makes you wonder what Prince Andrew’s next mate is going to turn out to be. Can he not knock about with normal people like everybody else does? I mean, a few of my mates have got funny habits, and some of them can be a bit of a bellend at times, but they’re not fucking paedophiles or spies. Hector Tibshelf, York ☐ TODAY’S woke snowflake Fire Brigade won’t kick your front door in, hose everything with gallons of water and carry you out of the bedroom window and down a ladder until the blaze has already started. But that might be too little, too late. Why can’t our emergency services be a bit more pro-active? John…

If YOU need a man after midnight, just pick up the phone and dial today! 1-800-MAN-AFTER-MIDNIGHT is Europe’s fifth-largest later-than-the-middle-of-the-night adult male service provider. All our After-Midnight Men are highly trained and qualified, with DECADES of experience in: SHADOW CHASING THROUGH-DARKNESS ACCOMPANIMENT PRAYER-HEARING DAYBREAK ATTAINMENT So, don't spend the evening on your own, watching the late show in your flat all alone! Pick up the phone and say: “Gimme, gimme, gimme… 1-800-MAN-AFTER-MIDNIGHT!” “It’s a Bjørn!” Mrs, Stockholm B 1-800-MAN-AFTER-MIDNIGHT…

1 THE GAME of golf was invented in the 17th century by Scottish landowner Robert Strathclyde, who would clear his immaculately kept lawn of fallen pine cones by whacking them as hard as he could with his upturned walking stick. He dragged this around with him in a two-wheeled cart, trying to get the cones to land in a small bucket with a flag in it, which he had placed in a hole in the ground. 2 GOLF is not only a popular sport, it is also a model of Volkswagen car, was the name of a popular chocolate biscuit, and is the title of a magazine… incredibly about golf! What are the chances of that? 3 THE WORD “golf” is also used to signify the letter ‘G’ in the phonetic alphabet…

Liz Truss Shortest term PM IF YOU put the ball into the hole twice, that is two holes, so the correct version is ‘holes-in-one.’ Anyone who tries to push this ‘hole-in-ones’ nonsense clearly has some kind of hidden woke agenda. And if it turns out that I am wrong, and that ‘hole-in-ones’ is the correct form, then this is just even more evidence that I am right, and that the deep state cabal of elites is working to undermine me at every turn. Katie Hopkins Arsehole THE CORRECT terminology is clearly ‘hole-in-ones’, as it is the entire process that is plural. And the only people who say holes-in-one are probably called Shanaya, or Chantell and are single mums covered in tattoos on a council estate. And I’ll probably be cancelled…

AS February rolls around once more, the sap across the animal kingdom is rising. And although the new season’s shoots are still a little way from breaking through the tail end of Winter’s ground frost, all creatures great and small are gagging for Spring to be sprung so that they can get their ends away. And we humans are no different so, as Valentine’s Day approaches, we too feel the love in the air and anticipate romance blossoming. And if you’re one of the lucky ones who has managed to wangle a date for February 14th, before you douse yourself in Old Spice and head out on the town, be careful! – it is so easy to fall flat on your arse these days by simply trying to do the right thing.…

GREAT REASONS TO SUBSCRIBE! A whole year of Viz delivered to your door or device before it hits the shops and for less than the cover price per issue, packed plum full of your favourite rude jokes and ribald cartoons. Subscribe NOW and receive a FREE Viz travel mug!* ORDER TODAY, QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZ343P shop.viz.co.uk/viz343p hello@metropolis.co.uk 020 8752 8195 *This offer is valid for UK customers only, one per household, and while stock lasts. Offer is not valid on the 6 month subscription with a free issue of Fortean Times.…

SUBSCRIBERS SAVE 10% AVAILABLE NOW! The biggest comeback of the decade, Oasis’ legacy is celebrated by Record Collector with a special magazine delving beyond the hype to tell the real story of the band’s success. In-depth features tell the complete story, from their early years with original drummer Tony McCarroll, to Liam and Noel Gallagher’s solo careers by associates who know them best. Some of the best writers in music examine Oasis’ Stateside history and trace the whereabouts of all the ex-bandmembers, while The Prodigy and The Charlatans share their exclusive memories of Knebworth’s momentous concerts. There are also fan profiles, the definitive vintage Noel interview, the story of Oasis’ iconic artwork, guides to their best rarities, analyses of every album and much more. It’s a magazine to leave you…

THE name for unfathomable vehicle insurance in 2025 ✓ ‘ALWAYS HIGHER’ RENEWALS for cover with our 24/7-365 constantly updated spurious charges – driven by dynamic pricing algorithms specially created for the event ticketing industry! ✓ BYZANTINE POLICY TERMS & CONDITIONS ensure never-ending accident claims procedures for anyone naive enough to contact us about any minor prang that will end your no claims forever and incur an automatic 500% rise in your annual premium! ✓ NEW CUSTOMER? We’ll hit you with specious postcode lottery-style charges – ‘Bad’ surname? Wrong job? Plus size 10 shoes? Milk in first before tea? Red hair? – It could be anything! And what’s more, we’ll never tell you exactly what’s bumping your never-claimed-upon insurance up from £800 to £1500 to £3000 per annum, year in, year…

THE outside of a golf ball is familiar to us all, with its white, plastic surface covered with little dimples. But have you every wondered what is on the inside? Most of us, from time to time, have wondered what makes up the innards of these small, hard spheres. What lies within remains a mystery to all except those who work in the factories where they are made, and those inquisitive enough to have cut one open with a Stanley knife. Or ran one over with the lawn mower. But now, Physicist Professor Brian Cox invites us to delve into this unseen world. Come with us now, as the D:Ream keyboard wizard takes us on… ‘‘WHEN viewed from the outside, a golf ball is very much like our nearest celestial neighbour, the…

ASK any right-thinking, correctly-voting Brit to name the three most harmful words in the English language, and they’ll have no hesitation in replying: DIVERSITY, EQUITY and INCLUSION. Grouped together as ‘DEI’, this sickening triumvirate of tyrannical terms make up an insidious ‘woke’ agenda aimed at further displacing the planet’s most historically oppressed people – straight white men. Casualties of the DEI drive include the likes of TV icon Laurence Fox, who recently had all his lucrative acting work dry up, not because he is a talentless prick, as the Wokerati will have you believe, but because he committed the simple ‘crime’ of being a heterosexual white male. You couldn’t make it up. Which proves that we haven’t. But it’s not just the upper echelons of showbiz that have become infested…

EXCLUSIVE! ASK anyone to name their favourite literary genre, and these days the answer will always be the same – Cosy Crime. Pioneered by TV quiz host RICHARD OSMAN, who has penned a series of best-sellers in the brand new idiom, books featuring light-hearted puzzle-box mysteries solved by elderly amateur sleuths in small, socially intimate communities are flying off the shelves as quick as authors can pen them. Cosy Crime has certainly caught the world’s imagination, and these books have sold hundreds of millions of copies across the globe. But now one self-published Lincoln author believes he can shift DOUBLE that with a brand new genre that he is developing… Cosy Cyberpunk! “Trust me, Cosy Cyberpunk will be the next big thing in world literature,” says 66-year-old jobless author CANWICK…

CHARLES Bronson, star of the Death Wish revenge film franchise, was one of the tragic losses of 2003. But according to a Fulchester man currently awaiting trial on shoplifting charges, the craggy-faced actor is alive and well and patronising a local builders’ merchants. “Reports of the stony-faced actor’s demise more than 20 years ago have been greatly exaggerated,” said retired jobseeker turned amateur online news-hound Les Folley in a post on his blog Fulchester Uncovered. “He was in BigFix last week. There’s no doubt about it.” “I’ve seen all his films at least a dozen times, so I know his face like the back of my hand.” And now the 67-year-old sleuth is setting out to discover exactly how the leather-faced Death Wish 2 star managed to fake his own death…

Please email a photo of your entry to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject. The first correct entry out of the electronic sack on FRIDAY 21ST FEBRUARY will win a CHEQUE for £50.00, a CRAPTIC CROSSWORD MUG and a VIZ CHEAP PEN. The next 5 entries win the mug and pen, but not the money. If you want a pen for nothing, send us a large letter stamp and it’s yours. NOTE: We are no longer accepting crossword entries by post. SOLUTION & WINNERS ISSUE 342 £50 WINNER: S. Gill, Aylesbury. RUNNERS UP: Aidan Edward, Argyll; Ed Blackshaw, Bristol; Mark O’Callaghan, Liverpool; Rob Workman, Suffolk; Phil Brough, Plymouth.…

☐ I WONDER if late, diminutive-yet-popular family entertainer Paul Daniels, known for his magic tricks is related to Stormy Daniels, the porn star with links to Donald Trump. Garrett Ace, Wimbledon * It’s an interesting question, Garrett, and it could be that the two are brother and sister. Magician Paul was born in Middlesbrough in April 1938, whilst porn star Stormy was born 41 years later some 5000 miles away in Louisiana, USA. With modern air travel, the distance is of little consequence, but it would be extremely unusual for there to be a four-decade-plus age difference between a pair of siblings. It is possible that the Teesside-born magician could have fathered the porn star at the age of 41, but in 1979 he was starring in Paul Daniels’ Blackpool…

This sturdy tongue-and-groove construction comes in a range of sizes, and off-shore locations: 6’ x 9’ – Alderney 9’ x 11’ – Bermuda 10’ x 12’ – British Virgin Islands “I stored my lawnmower in one, and was able to claim £300 in depreciation as a fixed tangible asset against gross year on year profits. And I haven’t even got a job.” Mr B, Essex “They’re a tax-reducing boon!” Mrs B, Cayman Islands…

EVERY game has its pinnacle of achievement, the sporting summit that every competitor dreams of. For snooker players, it’s a well-executed 147 break. For darts players, it’s a rapid 9-arrow finish. And for footballers, it’s a prostitute-laden orgy in a hotel room ending in a threes-up spitroast. And golf is no different. Every golfer, professional or amateur, dreams of the game’s ultimate goal – a hole-in-one – the odds-defying one-in-a-million shot that sees the ball fly straight from the tee into the cup with a single swing of the club. And over the years, golf has recorded many amazing hole-in-ones – each one more remarkable than the rest… ON the 1973 PGA tour, Jack Nicklaus teed off on the seventh hole at Augusta, and watched his shot end up 20…

AN extremely rare postage stamp dating from earlier this year is expected to make a six figure sum when it goes under the hammer at auction house Christobies later this week. That’s because the First Class Large Letter stamp, with a face value of £2.60, has been printed upside down! Over 20 million of the new stamps have been produced featuring the image of Charles since the new King came to the throne in 2023, but the fact that this one was printed upside down has made it a 1 in 20 million collector’s item. “It’s an unbelievable mistake for the printing house to make and I don’t know how on earth it happened,” said Anthony Blunt-Sharp, Christobies’ head of coins, medals and stamps. “But it means a nice payday for…

CANWICK EARPLUG may be jobless and seeking work to make ends meet whilst he writes, but he is in good company. Nobody pens a blockbuster immediately after leaving school. Successful authors work for years honing their craft, developing their style and finding their voice, until eventually they produce a story that propels them to recognition and becomes a blockbuster. To make ends meet until that day comes, budding wordsmiths take on other jobs whilst they toil away in their spare time. And you may be surprised by some of the occupations our greatest authors have engaged in whilst working on their magnum opuses. Ian McEwan HE MAY be living the life of Riley in one of his mansions on the proceeds of his novels such as Atonement, Enduring Love and…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk ad slag n. A celebrity who advertises anything if the price is right. One who will happily put their name to air fryers, crisps, deodorant or any other tat that comes along. ‘Born on this day: Brian Lara, record-breaking West Indies cricketer, 1969; Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, wrestler and actor, 1972; David Beckham, ad slag ex-free kick merchant, 1975.’ all gas, no mass! exclam. Declaration to bystanders reassuring them that one’s freshly delivered pump contained no bonus balls. ‘Fuck me, was that you mate? Better check for stowaways.’ ‘No need, Archbishop, it was all gas, no mass.’ and now for our more dreadful sacrifice 1. exclam. Sombre words spoken by Christopher Lee near the end of The Wicker Man just before they set Edward Woodward ahad in that big hamper. 2. exclam. Sombre…

WHEN I heard that (insert name) had died, I wept. I wept and I wept and I wept. I wept tears of grief at their passing. Real tears of grief. Genuine tears of grief. Tangible tears of grief. But at the same time, I wept tears of joy for their ever having been alive in the first place. Real tears of joy. Genuine tears of joy. Tangible tears of joy. For in their (subs put age in here) years on this earth, (insert name) brought so much joy and happiness to countless people. Never, in the field of human existence has so much joy been brought to so many by so few, in this case just one. Them. Ever since childhood, growing up in (insert city – and if it’s…