Table of contents for September 2024 in Viz

IT’S July, or possibly August, and that means only one thing – it’s time to pack your suitcase, jump on board a plane and jet off on holiday. And to avoid the pitfalls and make the best of your time away, here is Viz travel expert VERNON JULES with his Top 5 Holiday Tips. 1 Get to the airport early NOTHING spoils the start of a holiday more than having to rush to catch your flight, dashing through security to the gate with no time to relax with a drink. And as airports are the only institutions in the country where the bars can stay open 24/7, there’s no reason not to turn up 3, 4 or even 5 hours early for your flight. Possibly 6. Your holiday begins as…

The only rollable, swattable tablet! • 20Gb of memory • 4GHz processing speed • 4k pixel rollable screen • Kills all flies – dead! Choose between: 13” (house flies and greenbottles) £599.99 15” (blowflies and bluebottles) £699.99 NOW WITH 200 FREE SCREEN PROTECTORS “I was being pestered by a housefly whilst working on a Word spreadsheet on my Fli-Pad. I simply rolled it up and whacked the bastard when it settled on a window. When I unrolled it, my document was as I left it and I didn’t even have to save!” Mr B, Essex “I got through nine iPads swatting flies. They are simply not up to the job. The FliPad on the other hand has all the computing power of an iPad, but makes mincemeat, quite literally, of…

NEW research from Ofcom has revealed the shocking statistic that a quarter of five-to-seven-year-olds have their own smartphones, wasting their precious waking hours scrolling through gigabytes of asinine, unverified tittle-tattle on their demanding, brightly-lit devices. With our little ones in thrall to these addictive digital pacifiers at such a vulnerable age, there’s every chance that for the next generation, learning fundamental scientific facts and principles might take second place to checking-in on Snapchat or catching up with friends on TikTok, potentially leading to diseases going uncured, hospital patients lying untreated and – most likely – the end of the World. That’s why Viz is giving away a fun, educational new way to introduce children to the joys of science – the Viz Cox-in-A-Box. With just a glue stick and a…

ASK any decent, red-blooded Brit what their favourite website is, and you will hear only one answer – OnlyFans. The X-rated subscription service has revolutionised all our lives since it first appeared online in 2016, with its direct creator-to-user business model allowing content producers to deliver their raunchy photos and videos straight to the inboxes of paying subscribers. Everyone agrees that the service has been a veritable boon for both models and connoisseurs of adult content alike. Or… can we? Because according to one morbidly obese Glossop bachelor, OnlyFans is entirely responsible for his whole life falling apart! “I had one of the most successful OnlyFans sites on the ruddy internet,” sobs 63-year-old online entrepreneur STAN GLOVEBOX. “And all I’ve got to show for it now is a wrecked marriage,…

now only £150 Finally, the dream of waking up to the delicious smell of freshly-baked trousers is within everyone’s reach! Simply add the ingredients the night before inside SlacksBaker’s ultra-high capacity oven, select your waistline on the handy digital screen, set the timer and let SlacksBaker do the rest. From crusty strides with deep pitta pockets to healthy wholemeal jogging bottoms, SlacksBaker can bake any trousers from 28” to 46” waist*. And that’s not all it can bake. Why not slip on a pair of still-warm, gluten-free loafers? Or how about trying a sourdough ‘cobpiece’ with rugged protective crust? ITEM PROOFING/BAKING TIME Jeggings wraps 30 mins / 20 mins Batch shorts 40 mins / 25 mins Baguette strides 1½ hours / 25 mins Challah chinos 2½ hours / 30 mins Rye jeans 4 hours /…

IF you and your loved one could go anywhere in the world, where would you go, and what would you do? Relax on the sun-kissed beaches of Mauritius? Laze by the pool of a 5-star hotel in the Seychelles? Spend two weeks aboard your own yacht, idly exploring the beautiful Greek Islands? Well the world can now be your oyster, because we’re offering one lucky Viz reader the chance to win a DREAM HOLIDAY anywhere in the world! Simply answer the three holiday-related questions below and send in your answers. The first correct entry pulled out of the back will win 1Kg* of extra mature cheddar, which – if eaten just before going to bed – will give you a vivid dream about your most wished for £20,000 holiday. 1.…

WOULD a fly be able to fly on the moon? Prof. B Cox, CERN Flies are able to fly because their wings push down against the air, the resistance of which causes an upward force to be exerted against their undersides. Since there is no atmosphere on the moon, the downbeat of the wing would encounter no resistance, with no consequent upforce to keep them aloft. But it doesn’t matter because since there is no gravity on the moon, they will just float about all over the shop anyway, like they do on earth. HOW come when you try to swat them, flies can just take off from standing? If you tried to swat an aeroplane, it would have to hurtle down the runway for half a minute before it got…

AS the population of the earth increases, mankind is constantly looking for new food sources to feed an ever-increasing number of hungry mouths. And many scientists believe that protein- and carbohydrate-rich insects, including bluebottles, will form a substantial part of our diets in the years to come. But pop bellend Sting has poured cold water on the idea, vowing that the six-legged creatures will at no point find their way onto his plate. “I’ll not eat insects as long as I’ve got a hole in my arse,” he told New Musical Express. “So bluebottles are right off the menu.” The Police front-twat, who topped the charts with hits like Walking on the Moon and Roxanne, said that it was not the taste of the crunchy arthropods that he objected to,…

6-MONTH GET A FREE ISSUE! -OR- 12-MONTH GET A FREE ANNUAL! GREAT REASONS TO SUBSCRIBE! • A FREE issue of Viz with 6-month subscription* • FREE Viz annual with 1-year subscription* • FREE delivery of every issue • SAVE on the cover price • Every issue delivered BEFORE it’s available in shops ORDER TODAY, QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZ338P shop.viz.co.uk/viz338p hello@metropolis.co.uk 020 8752 8195 *The offers are applicable to either a 6-month print subscription with direct debit payment or a 1-year print subscription payable by credit card/debit card or direct debit. If you wish to cancel the direct-debit offer, please contact us via phone or email. The offer is only valid for new UK customers, one per household, and while stocks last. Please allow 28 days for delivery of the…

WHEN plumber Jordan Belch booked a Jet-2 Holidays getaway to Majorca for himself and his wife, he was looking forward to a fortnight of rest and relaxation, and a chance to recharge his batteries by the pool. But instead it turned out to be the most stressful time of his life, after he spent the whole fourteen days singing Hold My Hand by Jess Glynne. “It’s the song Jet-2 use on their advert,” he said. “They play it as you get on the plane, before take off, and again when you land, and it just sticks in your head.” “I was humming the fucking thing by the pool, whistling it at breakfast and singing it in the fucking tavernas for two weeks,” he added. Belch, 28, said everything else about…

THE bluebottle is nature’s perfect creature, an ultimate flying machine at the pinnacle of biological engineering. Just 20mm long, these insects are capable of flying at speeds of up to 3mph, twisting and turning in the air and changing direction with such agility that they almost appear to be moving around completely at random. They perform these breathtaking aerial acrobatics due to their complex, miniaturised anatomy, the result of 240 million years of evolution. And now this extraordinary anatomy has been captured in stunning detail in this fantastic lifesize sculpture of a pair of Calliphora vomitorias in full flight. Every detail – from the intricate veining on their gossamer wings, to the infinitely complex articulation of their legs – has been painstakingly recreated in a model so breathtakingly lifelike, you would…

IMAGINE the scenario – you are sunning yourself in the garden when a black and yellow striped insect starts buzzing around you and lands on your arm. You naturally assume it’s a wasp, Mother Nature’s stripy bastard. But is it really? Nature is very cunning, and certain species have evolved to masquerade as others in order to give themselves an advantage in the cut-throat world of the survival of the fittest. In fact there is every chance that your insect visitor is not a vicious stinging twat, but is actually a harmless hoverfly, a pollinator of flowers and friend of the gardener. But how can we know for sure which one it is? Follow my simple path of truth, answering the questions as you go along, to find out whether…

THEY’RE small, they buzz around and they land on dog dirts. You find them in the house, in the garden and in the butcher’s shop. They’re unhygienic, they spread disease and there was once an old woman who swallowed one in a song. They’re FLIES, and with 17 million of them for every person on earth, you would think we would know an awful lot about them. But do we? Here are… 1 A FLY has the same number of legs as the Bee Gees – 6! That’s two each on Maurice, Robin and big-haired Barry. However, if you include the boys’ late brother Andy’s legs, the total soars to 8 – two more than a fly, but the same as a spider or glam rockers Kiss. 2 EARLY in his career, Kiss…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk arse-timate v. Before committing to an upcoming sit down toilet adventure, to adjudge whether the remaining bogpaper on the roll is going to be up to the task of dealing with it. Also under-arse-timate: to completely misjudge how many brown shield stamps will be required to deal with the aforementioned beaver bait. ‘You might want to wash those at the heavily soiled setting, mum. Only I completely under-arse-timated earlier.’ battle cat n. A particularly experienced and combathardened cougar, normally spurred into action by the sight of some he-man’s unsheathed weapon. black breath 1. n. In The Lord of the Rings, the foul influence of the Nazgul, which resulted in despair, unconsciousness, bad dreams, and death. It says here, and we’re not looking it up. 2. n. Guinness-fuelled flatulence which can result in…

Please email a photo of your entry to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject. NOTE: We are no longer accepting crossword entries by post. Stamps are fucking expensive, so save your money and buy a lottery ticket, bag of sweets or something else nice instead. The first correct entry out of the electronic sack on FRIDAY 23RD AUGUST will win a CHEQUE for £50.00, a HAND-DRAWN SKETCH OF ROGER MELLIE and a VIZ CHEAP PEN. The next 5 entries win the Roger sketch and pen, but not the money. If you want a pen for nothing, send us a large letter stamp and it’s yours. ISSUE 337 SOLUTION AND WINNERS £50 WINNER: Mark Bamford, West Sussex RUNNERS UP: Carl Bennett, Cheshire Mark O’ Callaghan, Manchester Michael Humphreys, Mansfield Donald Jones,…

Earlier this year, the Parks and Recreation department took part in ‘No Mow May’, leaving playing fields, verges and other grass-covered civic areas unmown in order to attract bees and wildlife and encourage the growth of wild flowers. And the project proved a massive success. “We were sceptical at first,” Alderman Tom Finch told local paper The Fulchester Globe and Artichoke. “But when we saw how much money the council had saved in a single month on gardeners’ wages and petrol, we were overjoyed.” “Overjoyed for the bees, obviously,” he added. Alderman Finch said that the success has made everyone at Fulchester Council even more determined to make their town the greenest in the UK. And at a meeting last week, councillors engaged in some ‘blue sky thinking’ about further…