Table of contents for August 2024 in Viz

letters@viz.co.uk | toptips@viz.co.uk Your correspondence to VIZ editor HAMPTON DOUBLEDAY STAR LETTER EVERYONE harps on about dolphins being so intelligent, but if they’re out of the water too long they die, and if they stay under the water too long they die. The amount of time they spend in the water seems to be a critical factor for their survival. If they were so smart, why would they base their staying alive on such a knife-edge scenario? At least fish have worked out how to breathe in the water, and they’re as thick as fuck. Damo, Sunny Guernsey I RECKON I could knock out a heron, but could probably only stun an ostrich with a right hook. Have any other readers had such meaningful thoughts during a funeral? Neil Shawcross, Prescot…

WITH the whole nation fully expecting to go to the polls in the autumn, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak’s announcement of a snap election in July took everyone by surprise. The PM’s choice of that date came as a shock to the electorate, the opposition and even his own Parliamentary party. But nobody was more surprised to learn of the early date than the Prime Minister himself. “Like everybody else, I was expecting to call the election in October or November, after giving the economy another chance to pick up a little bit,” Sunak told News Agents podcast co-host Lewis Good-all. “We were twenty points behind in the polls, so I and everyone else assumed that we would spend the summer closing that gap, and then have an autumn financial statement with…

WHEN I heard about the death of physicist Peter Higgs-Boson, I wept. I wept and I wept and I wept. I wept for so long that I thought I might have to get a doctor’s appointment and get something on prescription to stop me crying. For Higgs-Boson was the man who defined physics for a generation. A noble prize winner, who despite standing only 5’ 9” tall (not sure but not on the net anywhere so doesnt matter), was a giant. A giant of science. A giant of physics. A giant of particle physics. He stood like a mighty Colossus of roads astride the field of physics, where he cultivated his theories and harvested his crop of understanding to feed a world hungry for knowledge (i like that bit dont edit…

FUCKING magnets, how do they work? Mr Violent J, Detroit Fucking hell , that’s a question and a fucking half, Violent J. It’s all to do with the fucking magnetic moments of atoms orbiting electrons being arranged randomly all over the fucking place and cancelling each other out. But in a fucking magnet, the cocksuckers are all arranged in the same direction, imposing a fucking force on the motherfucker. NEXT WEEK: How the fuck can light move as a wave and a fucking particle, for fuck’s sake?…

BBC viewers are expected to unanimously vote a resounding ‘yes’ to Professor Jon Curtice’s daring new look, which the election night statistician is set to premiere the moment polls close and counting begins on July 4th. The 70-year-old Strathclyde University political scientist, familiar to election fans for his stulti-fyingly in-depth explanations of ballot night figures, will be swapping dull voting patterns for trendy fabric patterns on the big night. A BBC spokesman told us: “As well as analysing UK voting trends, Sir John will be setting fashion trends with his daring wardrobe choices.” “With his stick-thin supermodel build, he can carry off way-out fashion items with aplomb and panache like a catwalk veteran.” pizazz For the election night show, which starts airing the moment ballots close at 10:00pm, Curtice is…

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SUN-LOVERS can look forward to a tan-tastic treat later this summer, with temperatures in the UK expected to hit a scorchio 50° from mid-July! And meteorologists are predicting the cracking run of barbecue-week-ends and beer-garden nights could continue across the country until late November. “These are the sort of temperatures one normally associates with places like Death Valley or the Sahara Desert, so we’re talking seriously hot,” says Bristol University weather-boffin Professor Wincey Fish. “We all love a bit of sunshine, and we’ll get it this year, and then some!” wrists And the predictions for record-breaking temperatures – the hottest ever recorded on earth – have delighted pub owners up and down the country as they set up outdoor drinking areas so customers can take advantage of the blistering weather.…

IF ANY Viz readers are planning to appear on Bargain Hunt and happen to get put on a show where Charlie Ross is hosting, look out for his ‘tell’ before he announces the winner at the end of the show. If the colour of his glasses matches that of your team, then you’ve won and can stick around and soak up the glory. If not, you can safely piss off down the pub before the obligatory, but demeaning high-kick. Gufflord Windpump, Derby CAN ANY of your vicar readers tell me if they have Bargain Hunt in Heaven? If they do, I’m thinking about going on it when the time comes, but I’m wondering what kind of thing to buy. Angel ornaments seem to do quite well at auction down here,…

Dear Justin, HOW would Jesus have voted in the upcoming election? Hector Drumcree, Wales Justin says… That is a simple question to answer, Mr Drumcree. Jesus was an exceptionally nice chap, perhaps the nicest ever to have lived, and he would have voted for the party which would have done the best for the greatest number of people. Of course, deciding which party that might be is not so simple. Perhaps He would have voted Labour, since they have promised to scrap the Rwanda scheme, which he would undoubtedly view as cruel. After all, did Jesus not say that “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me,” showing that we must protect the vulnerable? On the…

MOST Parliamentary hopefuls spend the six weeks before election night pushing leaflets through doors, shaking hands in the street, and kissing babies on the head. They all hope that hard work campaigning in their constituency will result in them becoming its duly elected Member of Parliament. But not Merlin Smokemaker. Because despite paying his £500 deposit to register as an independent parliamentary candidate for the constituency of Barnton North, the 52-year-old prospective MP has not left his house once during the campaign. He has spoken at no hustings in the town hall, has not knocked on a single door, and every baby’s head in the constituency remains resolutely unkissed. And yet the unemployed former welder is 100% confident of being elected. That’s because he is a wizard, and he has…

Bob-a-Job Dylan ROCK fans across the country are getting the chance to have a folk/rock megastar do odd jobs around their houses as Bob Dylan embarks on his first Bob-a-Job tour. After admitting that his last album’s sales had been disappointing, Dylan confirmed that he is happy to have a go at anything for a bob. “I’ll sweep your steps, clean your bath, sort out the cupboard under the sink, do some weeding, or even vacuum up the lounge,” the Subterranean Homesick Blues songsmith said. “Sixty years as a touring musician have given me a surprising number of household skills and I’d be happy to turn my hand to any job you have that needs doing.” But the 83-year-old singer was at pains to point that ‘Bob-a-job’ is an anachronistic…

EVERYONE loves a day on the beach in the summer. With natural light producing health-giving could denature, losing their structure and leaving us nothing more than balls scorched of jelly sands. glistening So as we head on the onto the beach to enjoy this summer’s record-breaking sunny weather, it’s important that we follow a few rules. 1 MAKE A BATHING MACHINE Building a Victorian-style bathing machine is easier than you might think, with countless Instructables-style guides probably available on the internet. And with the planet hotter than ever, these mobile changing rooms are set to make a big comeback. Not only will their rigid wooden frame protect you and your family from the worst of the Sun’s rays, but by dropping your feet through the bottom and walking them to the…