Table of contents for December/Januuary 2024 in Viz

Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ letters@viz.co.uk WHILST admiring this Monet e painting Woman with a Parasol, I was suddenly struck by the depressing thought that if it was painted today, the subject would probably be wearing a baseball cap, a sweatshirt with Nando’s sauce stains on it, and some old leggings. And it would probably be called Woman With a Cameltoe or something. Come on, ladies! Stick on a big floaty dress and a bonnet, grab a frilly gamp and let’s set the art world alight again! Mike Hayley, email ADOLF Hitler was always r banging on about his Aryan race of blond-haired, blue-eyed super-humans. But whilst he did have blue eyes himself, his hair was in no way blonde, but rather extremely dark brown. It seems like…

TWO years after the Covid-19 virus effectively closed down Christmas, experts in the food industry claim that the nightmare festive scenario could happen again thanks to the emergence of a virulent new Corona strain. But the new variant will not arise by the usual route of mutations in its genetic code… instead it will be caused by people eating marzipan! That’s according to JIM GUTROTS, president of the National Icing Confederation, an organisation working to promote the use of fondant and royal icing on cakes. “The science is a little difficult to explain to the layman,” he explained. “But all the evidence points to marzipan on cakes being linked to a new Covid variant.” jamboree The new strain was first recorded in Nottinghamshire back in November, and has since quickly spread…

ROCK fans were treated to an early Christmas present when Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl introduced an extra special guest star at their Melbourne stadium concert – Dave Grohl! The omnipresent rocker was midway through performing the band’s 1997 hit Monkey Wrench when, to the audience’s surprise, he put down his electric guitar. Then he made his way to a raised platform and announced: “Ladies and gentlemen… Mr David Grohl!” The crowd went wild as a second Dave Grohl appeared from an identical platform on the other side of the stage and proceeded to sing a solo verse to a silky digital piano backing before duetting with Foo Fighters’ frontman Grohl on the final chorus. committee After the show, the first Grohl told reporters that the idea to guest at…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk administration n. Paperwork done in the back office; the cleansing of the nipsy after emptying the boot. aiming juice n. The beverage of choice for a darts or snooker player back in the old days; beer. ‘Another twenty pints of aiming juice, Mr Werbeniuk?’ airblade n. A loud and forceful post-urinational blast of hot air sneaked out under the noise of a hand dryer. Andy Dufresne’s hammer n. A tool that is worn down to the nub. A reference to the character played by Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption and the utensil he uses to tunnel through his cell wall and make his escape. ‘How was your holiday in Frinton-on-Sea, vicar?’ ‘Delightful, Mrs Trubshaw. Some amount of fanny, I can tell you. I’ve come back with a dick like Andy Dufresne’s hammer.’…

Viz 331 December 2023 / January 2024 © All The Peanut Cracknell Chocolates Left In The Tin Industries / A Plastic Tray Full Of Dates With A Little Plastic Fork That Was Opened, Looked At Once, And Then Dropped Unceremoniously In The Bin On Twelfth Night Publishing Ltd. Metropolis Group, 2nd Floor, Saunders House, 52-53 The Mall, Ealing, London W5 3TA. Find us at our website viz.co.uk or twitter.com/vizcomic and facebook.com/vizcomic on the internet. For the avoidance of doubt, anyone else being Viz, or Viz characters, or Top Tips, or 5 issues £16.95 and 10 issues £34.95. Europe and Rest of the World £42.95. Check the web for the latest prices, though, because they may have changed due to the publisher’s fickle whim. Subscriber service: hello@metropolis.co.uk – this should be…

VISITORS turning up at the home of Grammy Award winning singer Nelly Furtado this Christmas will be met with all the usual festive trimmings – paper decorations, bunches of mistletoe and a tinsel covered tree. But one thing that will be missing is nuts. That’s because Furtado is worried that she may have developed an allergy to the small, dry fruits. The multiple Juno Award-winning Canadian singer has eaten nuts all her life, but became fearful after hearing a story about a fifty-year-old man going into anaphylactic shock after eating a Brazil nut. “He had ate nuts all his life with no problem,” the 2007 MTV Music prizewinner told NME. “Then one day he went allergict to them and he ate one and his throat all swelled up.” “He would…

BEDBUGS are all the rage! They’re everywhere from Paris to London and all points in between. They’re in the homes of the rich and famous, and if you haven’t got them, you’re missing out. But if you find yourself without these ectoparasites sharing your sleeping quarters, don’t worry. Because we’re got a bedbug infestation to give away to the lucky winner of our fantastic parasitic competition. For your chance to win, all you have to do is to match up each of the bedbugs with the celebrity in whose bed they were found. If YOU are the first correct entry drawn out of the hat, you’ll win a breeding colony of bedbugs, ten male and twenty female – simply empty them into your bedding and within two weeks you’ll be…

BRITISH billionaire Sir James Dyson is set tomake history next year when he plans to move his business’s head office from Singapore…to the Moon! The Brexit-championing entrepreneur, 76, dropped the revelation that his electrical gadget empire would be the first business to relocate to another planetary body in a candid interview with the Financial Times this week. He told the paper: “Back in 2019, I felt that the best way of demonstrating the freedom and opportunities offered to Britain by Brexit was by moving our company’s headquarters from Wiltshire to Singapore.” “I truly believed that the move would put me in a prime position from which to observe how successfully the UK economy was growing after leaving the European Union,” he added. He continued: “However, although my Singaporean office window…

THE King could find himself bounced into an ugly TV ratings war on Christmas Day, but he won’t be battling against the cast of EastEnders or Ant and Dec for viewers… it will be his own late mum! That’s because Leeds-based psychic entertainer DORIS STROKES plans to channel a festive address by the former monarch HRH Queen Elizabeth II in the coveted post-noshup 3pm slot. And she is currently looking for a national broadcaster prepared to air the late head of state’s supernatural utterances. medium Doris, the self styled ‘Happy Medium’, says it was her late majesty herself who cooked up the sneaky plan to clash with her plump-fingered son in the Yuletide audience-share war. “I suggested doing it late Christmas Eve, but the Queen was adamant,” says Doris, 64. “What you…

WE are all familiar with the Bible story recounting how Jesus transformed water into wine. But last week, shoppers in a branch of Sainsbury’s in Doncaster witnessed an arguably even greater act of divine intervention. For after shopper Terry Corndolly purchased a 1litre bottle of thin bleach, he discovered to his amazement that it had miraculously turned into 70cl of vodka! Even more remarkably Corndolly, 63, was unaware that the miraculous divine transubstantiation had occurred until he was stopped by a security guard as he was leaving the shop. “Being community-minded, I normally shop at my local multimart as I feel it’s my civic duty to support local businesses,” the former warehouse worker told reporters at a sparsely attended press conference in his local pub. “However, after a recent incident…

IN 2016, we said goodbye to the EU, bidding ‘au revoir et bon riddance’ to all things European. None of us will miss the ease of travel, the restrictionfree trading of goods with our neighbours and the opportunity for young people to study abroad. But what about Brussels sprouts? Despite being vile and horrible, these mini cabbages are synonymous with the festive season, and no Christmas dinner would be complete without them. But it’s likely that supermarket shelves will be bare of them this year as selfish Brussels bureaucrats refuse to supply the UK with sprouts as a punishment for bravely striking out alone. What will we do? Well don’t worry, because your big-hearted Viz is stepping in to save Christmas with this festive free serving of paper Brussels sprouts…

THE Balloon Debate game is one of our favourite social pastimes. Ideas are put forward, cases are made and debate is sparked whenever it is played. In this seasonal, celebrity version, Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith are soaring through the sky in a hot air balloon. In the gondola with them are five bags containing raisins, sultanas, cherries, chopped nuts and mixed peel – all the ingredients necessary to make a delicious Christmas cake. But the balloon is sinking! The ingredients are too heavy, and all but one bag must be jettisoned from the basket if the pair are to arrive safely at their bakery to make the cake. But which four items should they throw out, and which should they save? We asked 5 of our favourite celebrities and…

LIBRARIANS in Crawley got the shock of their lives yesterday when an overdue book was returned to the town’s library – over 900 years after it was borrowed. The first edition copy of the Domesday Book was taken out of the library in November 1086 by Silas Glass on a two week loan. But it was never returned and was assumed to be lost. However, it re-appeared 936 years later in a box of junk owned by Frank Glass, a 42nd generation descendent of Tyler’s. The book, by William the Conqueror, was published in 1086 and became an instant best seller, despite 95% of the population being illiterate at the time. “I was going through some of my late dad’s stuff in the garage when I came across the book,”…