Table of contents for February 2023 in Viz

MOST of us have hilariously fallen on an icy pavement, knocking out a few teeth or cracking a pelvis as we went down. Either that or we’ve comically lost our footing on some snow-covered steps and copped for concussion or a hairline skull fracture as we hit the deck. And if we haven’t, we have certainly laughed at the sight of a stranger taking such a daft tumble. Seeing some poor sap going head over heels on a stretch of frozen street is a stone cold guaranteed rib-tickler; it’s one of the best things about the winter season. But taking into account the cost of subsequent medical treatment for casualties, are these accidents now becoming too expensive for the comedy moments they produce? Some medical professionals think so. NHS bean-counters…

SCOUNDRELS HER MAJESTY’S PLEASURE MAJOR VICTOR CORNWALL By MAJOR ARTHUR ST. JOHN TREVELYAN “Pulls off the balancing act achieved by only the very best spoofs.”THE SPECTATOR BOOKS OF THE YEAR “Scoundrels is very funny, offensive, insensitive, divergent, and, I repeat, very funny.”TERRY GILLIAM “Ripping exploits… filtered through a modern tongue-in-cheek sensibility.”CHRISTOPHER FOWLER, BRYANT & MAY MYSTERIES “Scoundrels is very funny, offensive, insensitive, divergent and, I repeat, very funny.”TERRY GILLIAM, MONTY PYTHON “Particularly magnificent… a work of impressive depth.”AUSTRALIAN TELEGRAPH “Ripping exploits… filtered through a modern, tongue-in-cheek sensibility.”CHRISTOPHER FOWLER, BRYANT & MAY MYSTERIES “So over the top as to be almost outrageous.”FRANK BRINKLEY, THE LITERARY REVIEW “This one made me howl with laughter.”THE YOUNG VULGARIAN. “To say these books are hysterically funny would be an under-statement. To explain why would prove…

1 THE LORRY was invented in 1896 by German engineer Wilhelm Maybach. A passionate advocate of urinating in Lucozade bottles, Maybach soon realised he needed something to throw the bottles out of when he was finished. He decided that a big fuck-off road vehicle would be perfect, and hey presto: the modern lorry was born! 2 THE SMALLEST ever lorry driver was Calvin ‘Tiny Rig’ Phillips. The minuscule trucker piloted an articulated freightliner the size of three toasters next to each other, delivering diminutive goods such as thimbles, sugar cubes and bookie’s pencils. To communicate with other truckers, Phillips spoke into a CB radio unit no bigger than a Liquorice Allsort, and when he needed to urinate he wazzed in a Lucozade bottle the size of a grain of rice.…

The 2023 VIZ Annual only £12.99 Over 226 pages of your favourite characters, letters, top tips and joke funnies from Viz issues 292-301 “A bumper collection of ribaldry, carefully hand-harvested from the pages of Viz. Designed to brighten even the smallest room in the house, The Zookeeper’s Boot is the perfect throneside companion.”Hampton Doubleday, Viz editor Available at Waterstones, WHSmith, all good bookshops, supermarkets and online. Can be burned after reading to provide the same thermic output as 1.85m3 of natural gas, enough to boil water for 3 cups of tea.…

IT’S BEEN a rollercoaster week in Soapland, with explosive plotlines in Weatherfield and Walford, romance in Letherbridge and Emmerdale, and a seismic reveal on the Hollyoaks campus don’t look down don’t look down you can do this. Coronation Street ITV 8.00pm THERE’S DRAMA in Weatherfield this week as Gail finally twigs that Eileen has been bloody hell that’s a long way down Jesus Christ Eileen has been exchanging saucy text messages with oh God oh God oh God don’t let go oh Christ oh fuck oh Jesus and there’s a surprise in store for Carla when her long-lost oh fuck fuck fuck oh God. If I can just swing back and get a foot on the platform oh Jesus is that knot coming undone oh fuck oh Christ it’s actually…

RUNNER-UP MAGAZINE OF THE YEAR ~Take a Shit Magazine of the Year Awards JANUARY can be a tough month for all of us. The festive season is long gone, it’s cold and wet outside, and the combination of shelling out for Christmas pressies and eating our bodyweight in Quality Street has played havoc with both our finances and our guts. But spare a thought for one overweight Macclesfield man who has it even tougher than most. For decades, 56-year-old OGDEN ANKLETAG has begun each new year with a brand new resolution aimed at moulding himself into a better human being. But rather than significantly improving his existence, these well-intentioned pledges have all backfired disastrously. “My new year’s resolutions have ruined my life,” sobs the big-hearted and even-bigger-boned bachelor. “All I…

A YORKSHIRE father of 4 was left heartbroken on Christmas morning when he opened his presents to discover that for the first time in 28 years, he had not received any socks. Brian Torbjorn of Purston normally unwraps around 6 pairs of the fabric foot-coverings every December 25th, an event which he has often described as the highlight of his year. But in 2022, all he got was a toolkit and a Playstation 5 with a copy of Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, a combination of gifts which left the 56-year-old gas fitter in tears. He tried to put on a brave face all Christmas Day, but his wife Maxine said he was clearly very upset. “He couldn’t sleep with excitement on Christmas Eve,” she told the Pontefract…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk Alaskan bush people 1. phr. Title of a Discovery Channel docudrama-style reality show depicting the tribulations of a family and large TV crew surviving in the US northern territories. 2. n. Those who prefer their beartrapper’s hats in a wild and woolly, off-grid style. Aslan’s breath n. medic. A case of dung lung so noisome that it instantly renders one’s old chap flaccid. From The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe in which, by breathing on them, the lion un-petrifies people who have previously been turned to statues by the White Witch. au snatchurel phr. Fr. Descriptive of an un-groomed ladygarden. ‘Struth, it’s like a toasted cheese sandwich that’s been dropped on a barber’s floor down here, Germaine.’ ‘Yes, I’ve been keeping it au snatchurel, cobber.’ bear cave phr. The performance of s*xual congress…

Dear Dr ‘Big Rig’ Welby, WE ALL know how difficult it is for a rich man to pass through the gates of Heaven – more difficult than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, according to the Bible. I’m not a particularly rich man, so I imagine I’ll be okay getting into Heaven, but I’m a lorry driver and I was wondering if it would be possible to get my rig through the gates? My truck is about 8’ 6” to the top of the cab, but that can go up to around 14 foot depending on the height of the container. Would that be clear of the ornamental ironwork over the top of St Peter’s Gate, or does Heaven perhaps have an HGV…

IN THE last issue we gave a fabulous 2023 Viz Record Cover Calendar to every Viz reader. Twenty-six full colour pages printed on high quality glossy paper! And what’s more it was absolutely FREE! But this didn’t stop hundreds of you from writing in complaining that there was no hole in the top to hang it up with. We can only hold up our hands and apologise. And to make up for this unforgivable error, we’re now offering a FREE hole to fit the 2023 Viz Calendar for every reader. Simply send a stamped addressed envelope to Viz Comic 2023 Calendar Hole Offer, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, and we’ll send you a hole by return of post.…

A COMBINATION of global events that are nothing to do with the government has shattered the way we live. A hike in energy prices, a devastating pandemic and Putin’s illegal war in Ukraine have caused the cost of living to soar. The whole world is suffering the same crisis, but fortunately, our government has everything under control. Indeed, it is only the quick thinking and decisive actions taken by Number 10 that has stopped the United Kingdom from being worse off than one or possibly two other countries. Unfortunately the worst is not yet behind us, and despite Rishi’s excellent stewardship, this winter could be one of the hardest we will have lived though. Even the most competent government could do little to protect it citizens from what is to…

SAVE 14% RECEIVE YOUR FIRST 3 MONTHS FOR £3 If you find you simply can’t live without your fix of adult humour, your subscription means you pay as little as £2.83 a month, instead of £3.95 in the shops. You’ll also receive a FREE Viz tea towel and calendar! ORDER ONLINE TODAY AT shop.viz.co.uk/subscriptions OR CALL 020 8752 8195 OR EMAIL hello@metropolis.co.uk QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZ322P The trial offer will automatically revert to a 6-month direct debit which will auto renew. If you wish to cancel the direct debit offer, please contact us via phone or email. You will be able to view your subscription online at shop.viz.co.uk/login Offer and free gifts are only valid to new UK customers only, one per household and while stocks last. Please allow…

Across 1/5/27/21D Flat, pendulous breasts in bra, my love: wow! Bollocks gone into a frenzy (3,7,7,4,1,7) 7 Snatch a little Caravaggio (3) 9 Elba, island west of Italy, dogging region, primarily (5) 10 Bollocks tired, one aligned (8) 11 Time for a shag, did you say? (4) 12 Go down in St. Moritz: a little penis kissing (3) 13 Most in need of lube, tired slapper initially tickled (6) 15 Pissed drinking exercise spied (6) 17 Marine animal eagerly fucked, biting jacksie of octopus (4,4) 18 Showing off, son playing a solo on the pink oboe (8) 21 Communist on the rag, it seems? (6) 22 The arse virtually ridiculous in suit (6) 23 Fuck all women I like? Only three of those (3) 24 Taste of unwholesome damsel’s cheese…

1. Look directly in front of you. What can you see? 2. Look directly behind you. What can you see? 3. You need to urinate. What do you do? a) Insert your penis into an empty Lucozade bottle before hurling it out of the window. b) Go behind some rocks 4. Do passers-by ever wave at you and mime honking a horn? a) Yes b) No 5. Do passers-by ever ask you what you’re doing in a quarry? a) No b) Yes RESULTS: Mostly a’s: VROOM! VROOM! Congratulations – you’re in a lorry! You’re putting pedal to the metal in an articulated vehicle on the open road. Keep on truckin’! Mostly b’s: EXCAVATE! EXCAVATE! Well done – you’re in a quarry! You’re smack bang in the middle of an open-pit mine,…