Table of contents for September 17, 2015 in Pick Me Up!

Ollie Amsden, Associate Head Of Art 27 Russian dolls are so full of themselves! For more jokes, check out www.lifedeathprizes. com  and search ‘Edinburgh’ for 27 of the funniest ever jokes from our fave comics at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. What A Sign! The female and male toilet signs on these pub doors made me laugh. They couldn’t have said it any better! What A Ride! I spotted this notice while I was out cycling... quite apt! What A Melon! I was on a cruise around the Greek islands recently, and was met by this at the morning buffet counter… I do prefer my watermelons without a face, as a rule! What A Drip! I had a particularly busy week of sport so I thought putting…

‘Well done, Rosalyn, for facing your demons and getting life back on track. I can’t believe she’s managed to forgive her attacker – few people would.’ Kelly Imrie, 32, Hurlford ‘Violent crime affects a victim’s whole family. Rosalyn’s done a brave thing by confronting her attacker. I hope she finally has closure.’ Rebecca Jackson-Makin, 39, Ilkeston ‘She’s braver than me and I’m sure she’s passed that strength to her daughters. It’s fantastic that Rosalyn’s now helping other victims get through such a trauma.’ Glenis Wilkinson, 53, Walsall…

My boyfriend, Connor, looked me straight in the eye. ‘You are, I just know it,’ he said. ‘You’re so moody!’ Charming! ‘Don’t you think I’d know if I was pregnant?’ I asked, laughing. I’d been having the contraceptive injection. But Connor was convinced I was expecting, so, to shut him up, I bought a test. ‘Well, it turns out you were right,’ I told him, after I’d got a shock positive result. Connor was in no mood for saying ‘I told you so’. He was too stunned. I knew how he felt! Connor and I lived around the corner from each other, and we’d known each other since we were kids. But our relationship wasn’t exactly serious. He was 18, off to join the Army in a few weeks’ time.…

Reduce cancer risk Q What should I advise my teenagers to do to help them avoid getting cancer? My family has a strong history of it. Andrea, Loughborough Sedentary lifestyles are A disastrous for the future health of our children. Even 15 minutes of vigorous exercise a day can slash cancer rates by 20 per cent, so encourage them to keep fit. Natural antidepressant? Q I often feel very down and low, but I’m scared to get put on strong antidepressants. I’ve heard St John’s Wort is good. Should I try this more natural remedy? Jess, Eastbourne A St John’s Wort has an active antidepressant-like ingredient that improves low mood. Some prefer it to pharmaceutical drugs, but it can affect other medication. Talk to your GP. Clicky knees Q I…

Lemon & Blueberry Swirl Cake Serves: 8 Prep Time: 10 min Cook Time: 50 min 1 Preheat oven to 180C/ Gas 4 and line a 900g loaf tin with nonstick baking parchment. 2 Place all ingredients, except conserve, into a mixing bowl and, using an electric whisk, blend together until smooth. 3 Spoon into prepared tin and level with back of spoon. Place blueberry conserve into a paper bag and snip off end. Pipe a swirl on top of cake, and bake on centre shelf for 40-50 min until a skewer pushed into centre comes out clean. 4 Out of oven, sprinkle with a little caster sugar and leave to cool in tin for 10 min. Turn out and leave to cool completely…

Born weighing 9lb 6oz, I was a right little fatty! The youngest of four kids, I was the heaviest, too. But, when I was a few weeks old, my mum, Marian, noticed something. ‘Her rib cage looks different,’ she worried. I was referred to various specialists and eventually... ‘Jayne has a form of dwarfism,’ one explained. No-one else in my family did. I was also diagnosed with scoliosis - a curvature of the spine - flat feet, problems with my hips, and no bridge in my nose. Growing up, I just accepted the fact that I had lots of hospital appointments. At the age of 2, I had my hips realigned using a frog splint. When I started mainstream school, at first I didn’t notice the fact that I was…

Lisa Clutterham, 40, Cambridgeshire I joined Pick Me Up! Bingo because everyone had a chance of winning! I’d won over the years, too - I won £400 twice. One night I saw a link game was about to start. That’s when several bingo rooms are joined and members can win even bigger jackpots. So I bought six tickets at just 10p each. This game moved fast. Soon, I needed just three numbers. Suddenly, Winner! flashed on my screen. I’d won £1,000! The other members, or roomies, were congratulating me in the chat room. I gave my grandchildren cash for school trips to Poland and I booked a weekend in Skegness for my wife, Sarah, and I. And it’s all thanks to playing Pick Me Up! Bingo! Julie Watson, 32, Wisbech,…

TRIED & TESTED Nude lipstick  1 Rimmel London Lasting Finish Lipstick by Kate in 42, £5.49, Boots This one gave my lips a perfect satin finish for everyday wear. The colour is subtle, but builds well so you can easily achieve your desired look. 2 Essence Longlasting Lipstick in Porcelain Doll, £2.30, Wilko An amazing product at a bargain price, this stayed put all day long! There’s a nude shade to suit everyone in the range, too. 3 GOSH Velvet Touch Lipstick in Matte Baby Lips, £6.99, Superdrug I loved the creamy texture of this – it felt like a luxury product! And I was happy to find a matte lippy that didn’t dry out my lips. Jess’Beauty Hero Support the charity Breast Cancer Now with this limited-edition pink Invisibobble,…

I could hear my little girl’s giggles from the buggy as I pushed her along the street. Poppy, 2, was full of energy, always smiling. And she idolised her big sis, Emie, 13. One happy brood, on 11 July this year, me, my husband, Ryan, 31, and the girls decided to enjoy a sunny afternoon out together. We’d already popped out for ice cream. Then, at around 3.30pm, we headed to Ashford Designer Outlet. Panic ‘Poppy can run around at the park there, too,’ Ryan said. We put Poppy in her buggy and walked the mile to the shops. ‘Can I get some chocolate from Lindt?’ Emie asked. ‘Absolutely,’ I smiled. We looked in clothes and toyshops, too. Soon, we were wiped out. ‘Can I pop into Calvin Klein?’ I…

Your 21st is a big milestone. Mine was extra-special because I was on holiday with my aunt Sharlene, 36, uncle Ian, 40, and my fiancee, Keeley, 24, in Mexico. To make it memorable, they surprised me with an envelope on the morning of 22 October 2013. ‘Swimming with dolphins!’ I gasped, thanking them. It was a dream come true! That afternoon, I arrived at the aquatic centre in a blue bikini. The instructor briefed us on safety, what tricks the dolphins did and what we had to do. Only, I was too excited to pay attention! Five minutes later, we met three gorgeous dolphins. They did several stunts with other participants, and then… ‘Now the foot push,’ the instructor told me. I had to lie on the water, then two…

Hair Hair! Visit www.tintsofnature.com and enter the code TONCAT01 at the checkout before 17 September for an exclusive 10 per cent off all home hair colours. They’re free from parabens and ammonia, and packed with natural and organic ingredients to nourish your locks. Live Light The diet starts today with 3-for-2 on SlimFast products at Superdrug until 22 September. The Chunky Chocolate shakes are so tasty! It’s Crackers! Bag two boxes of Jacob’s Savours Cheese Thins for just £2 (normally £1.20 each) at Sainsbury’s until 7 October. Delicious! Sweet Treat The Collective Dairy Blueberry Suckies are now 3 for £2 (normally 79p each) at Waitrose until 15 September. No need for a spoon, so minimal mess! Fit And Fun Gym memberships can be expensive, but the brilliant ParkLives lets you…

Putting on my push-up bra, I yanked the straps tight, then pulled on a fitted top. It was the only thing I could do to make my 34B boobs look bigger... ‘It’ll have to do,’ I sighed, heading out. At 5ft 9in and a size-10, I had womanly curves - I just didn’t have the bust to match. Insecure, I tried to laugh it off, jokingly comparing my boobs to my mates’. ‘Nice pair of fried eggs?’ they’d gently tease. So excited It was all harmless banter, but since my teens I’d dreamed of having implants. When I was 13, I used to stuff my bra with sports socks and, as I got older, I wore padded, push-up bras. ‘You don’t need implants,’ my dad, John, 52, said when I…

It was February last year when my symptoms began. My left ankle began to throb. I’d been busy training for a 10k run, and thought I’d overdone it. But then the pain spread to my right knee and both wrists. ‘I’m scared I’ve got rheumatoid arthritis (RA), like my mum,’ I confided to my husband, Daniel, 37. My mum, Jane, had been diagnosed with a severe form of RA when she was 27. She’d since passed away - she died from double pneumonia as a side effect of the medication. So I spoke to the RA charity, NRAS, who advised me to see my GP. But blood tests came back negative. Then what was going on? By now, the pain was so severe, I’d spend days in bed. I had…

1 Glaucoma can affect sight. True False 2 It’s caused by a blockage in part of the eye. True False 3 Glaucoma can’t be detected early. True False 4 There are no treatments. True False 1 TRUE It’s a condition that can affect sight, usually due to a build-up of pressure within the eye. It can affect both eyes to varying degrees. 2 TRUE Glaucoma occurs when the drainage tubes within the eye become blocked so fluid can’t drain properly. This causes pressure to build up and can damage the optic nerve. 3 FALSE You should have eye tests every two years with an optician, so it can be diagnosed early and treated quickly. Several tests for the condition can be carried out by an optometrist. 4 FALSE Treatments include…

I have fibromyalgia, ME, myofascial pain syndrome and small fibre neuropathy. I’ve been told if I lost weight, didn’t take medication, exercised or was more positive, I wouldn’t suffer so much with pain and wouldn’t be so lazy. Bex Fordham, Facebook I’m 27 with moderate ME. I look well, but inside I’m extremely poorly, suffering pain and crippling exhaustion. I get looks when I park in a disabled space. And people make nasty comments, like ‘You don’t look disabled’. But I’m mainly housebound and when I do get out, that blue badge is a lifeline. I can’t walk far. Hayley Green, Somerset My beautiful daughter, 9, has a heart condition and autism. She doesn’t cope well in a busy supermarket and needs to go in the trolley. The starers don’t…

1 Morrisons Lemon Chicken Sauce A very sweet sauce with lots of fruity flavour. Just heat, pour over cooked chicken and serve with rice. 2 Sainsbury’s Peking Lemon Cooking Sauce Again, fruity and sweet, with just enough spice and sharp lemon juice to give it a sour edge. One jar is enough for four servings. 3 Uncle Ben’s Sauce For Lemon Chicken A reasonably thick, fairly sweet sauce with just a tiny hint of heat thanks to little specks of red pepper. An easy way to turn the leftovers from a roast chicken into another meal. Make it yourself... Serves: 4 Prep Time: 10 min Cook Time: 35 min Sauce: 1 Put chicken stock, lemon zest and…

What could push a woman, a doting wife and mother, to murder the man she married? Money? Revenge? Infidelity? Sometimes. For others, it’s the dark, violent secret they’ve been hiding for years that finally makes them snap. Battered Woman Syndrome (BWS) is a mental disorder that can develop in victims of domestic violence. Sufferers become petrified to leave their abuser, which can deeply affect their mental state. And, for a few, the relentless abuse gets too much to bear. They can only see one way out. The death of their abuser. Even if that means taking a life with their own hands... HIRED A HIT MAN: CANADA Mike Ryan was lucky to be alive. A hit man had been hired to kill him. Fortunately for Mike, police intervened before anything…

Last year was a fantastic one for me. It was my 17th wedding anniversary to my husband, Damon, 39, and we got to celebrate in the most amazing way. See, on the actual day itself, I won over £50,000 on Pick Me Up! Bingo! And, just a few months later, we were clinking glasses in romantic Morocco! We even took our three teenagers to Majorca and had a brilliant time! I thought that the prizes and games looked really exciting, which is why I joined Pick Me Up! Bingo. And I wasn’t wrong! The Deal or No Deal slot was my favourite game. If you got three bonus symbols on a line, you got to play the Bonus Game, which was like the TV show. And that’s how I bagged…

Keeping my two kids, Saskia, 5, and Caeden, 3, out of mischief can be a task. On Sunday 21 June, my hubby, Chris, 43, was away on business, and I was tidying downstairs when Saskia came running over. ‘Mummy, it’s stuck!’ she exclaimed. A small metal washer sat snugly on her left index finger. It must’ve been on the floor after some recent building work we’d done. ‘Let’s wiggle it free,’ I smiled. First, I used Vaseline, then ice to reduce the swelling. Useless. Thankfully, Saskia was unfazed as I Googled videos showing how an elastic band can slowly work an offending article off. But, try as I might, I couldn’t squeeze a band between the washer and Saskia’s skin. Thirty minutes on, it hadn’t budged. So, I drove us…

VIRGO 24 Aug–23 Sept You’ve been trying so hard to please other people that you’ve ended up with no time to do all that you want and desire. You’re important, too, Virgo, and the sooner you acknowledge this, the better life you’ll lead, my friend. Call: 09058 170 715* LIBRA 24 Sept–23 Oct Communication issues make it hard for you to get things done in the time or style you’d like. Try to pace yourself better, and don’t allow yourself to be bullied into changing the schedule you know works for you. Call: 09058 170 716* SCORPIO 24 Oct–22 Nov A financial setback can be sorted out to your advantage, as the stars hand you the power to negotiate. Better times with family come from the more honest approach you…

At school, the days seemed to last forever. Age 13, I’d stare at the clock waiting for lunchtime to come. See, I got to spend the lunch hour with my boyfriend, Phil Wiggin, then 15, in May 1982. He was warmhearted, with a gorgeous smile and stylish Afro. A month earlier at school... ‘Go out with me?’ he’d asked sheepishly. He was my first boyfriend, and my heart fluttered at each stolen kiss we shared at Adams Hill School. We had no money for expensive dates, but we’d walk hand-in-hand through the park after school. Soon, though, Phil had to revise for his O Levels. ‘I never see you!’ I moaned petulantly. Slowly, we drifted apart. Phil left school the following summer, and we lost touch. Leaving school, I worked…

A welcome-home banner, birthday presents wrapped. It was 26 November 1999 and I was throwing a party the next day. It was my eldest daughter’s 11th birthday and my husband was due home after 10 days in hospital with pneumonia. My hubby was an investment banker, and I’d given up work to bring up our two daughters. We lived in a detached house in a secluded neighbourhood in Esher, Surrey. A lucky, happy household. Only it was about to be violently ripped apart... At 9pm, with my eldest at a sleepover and youngest, 2, asleep, I was reading in bed when the landing light flickered off. I got up to check the bulb but, as I pushed open the bedroom door, a silhouette loomed from the darkness. A stranger -…

Forget about pricey pumice stones – gently use a sanding block to remove hard skin. Angela Garvin, Romford Peel raw beetroot back towards the stalk, leaving it intact to act as a handle for grating. Jacqy Wilkins, Frome Just flakes left in your muesli? Add a handful of mixed fruit and nuts to make a tasty breakfast! Patricia Lowther, Durham I bought this plain chest from a charity shop and put wrapping paper on it with Blu-Tack – it’s easy to remove if I want to change the design. Kitty Pink, Wirral Stop rain pouring into your parasol stand by fitting a sink plug on top. Janet Speirs, Kilwinning Slice a tennis ball and hide money or jewellery inside – it’ll close up so the gap won’t show. Jan Savage,…

When my second child, Poppy, was born in October 2006, she was a perfect 6lb 1oz. But, the next day, a paediatrician examined her. ‘We need to run some tests,’ he told me. It turned out Poppy had a birth defect called cloacal malformation. I couldn’t take it in as the doctor explained. ‘She was born without a vagina,’ he said. Like a dolly. Instead, her rectum, vagina and urethra shared a single channel, but there was no opening. She also had two wombs. There was no reason why it’d happened - it was just one of those things. Heartbreaking. She had to go straight into theatre for four hours to have a stoma bag fitted to collect her solid and liquid waste. After that, we just had to cope.…

We all know what being thirsty feels like, but it’s different for kids. Even when they’re hot and tired, they may not recognise that they need a drink, so it’s easy for children to get dehydrated. Water is vital for life - the human body needs water for all its important functions to work effectively, such as helping to transport vitamins around the body. That’s why it’s essential to drink plenty of water and stay well hydrated - but sometimes it can be difficult to persuade kids to drink enough. Children are especially vulnerable to dehydration because they have a larger surface area in comparison to their body weight, so when the temperature rises, or they’re sweaty after running around playing, they’ll lose water quickly as it evaporates through the…

The best things come in small packages. And my little Noah’s no exception. See, last May, he was born weighing a tiny 2lb 2oz. At just 26 weeks I went into premature labour. ‘It’s too soon,’ I’d said to my hubby, Neil, 35. After I pushed Noah into the world... ‘He’s tiny,’ I cried. He looked like a jelly baby - pink and shiny. I watched, shocked, as nurses then put him in a sandwich bag. But they explained that clear plastic food bags are often used to help premature babies. ‘It stops moisture evaporating from the skin, vital to keep his body temperature stable,’ they said. A lunch bag is keeping my baby alive! I thought. I longed to hold him, but he was too small and weak. Noah…

Barking Heads “Bad Hair Day” in Adult Lamb, from £11.99, www.barkingheads.co.uk We’re always lusting after longer, glossier hair, so why wouldn’t we want the same for our pet pooch? This dog food is made with 50 per cent lamb and promises to make your pooch’s coat soft, shiny and healthy! Verdict: GENIUS! What’s more, dogs love the taste! Microgarden, £25, www. sciencemuseumshop.co.uk This tiny origami garden folds into a mini-greenhouse, letting you grow delicious micro greens at home or at your desk with the seeds provided. Great for green-fingered folk who don’t have much space! Verdict: GENIUS Great project for adults and kids. Beverly Hills Formula Perfect White Gold Toothpaste, £5.49, Superdrug This luxurious, clear gel is packed with glittering gold particles, and works…

‘I’ve earned £1,000!’ Berenice Northcott, 35 I’ve moved house quite a lot, so I’ve found Quidco brilliant for setting up my broadband and TV. I got £150 cashback for signing up to Sky. All in all, I’ve made more than £1,000, which is incredible! I used some of the cashback I got towards my wedding last year, but have put the rest into savings. Now I recommend Quidco to all my pals - I really can’t think of a reason not to use it! QUIDCO HELPED PAY FOR MY WEDDING ‘I tell all my friends’ Emma Cullington, 32 When a mate told me about Quidco back in 2010, I wasn’t sure, but she soon won me over. Before long, I was actually telling all my friends that they should use…

Our daughter’s 18-month-old kitty, Jet, doesn’t overexert herself. On 15 July this year, I’d left her curled up on our bed as I went to do some laundry. ‘Don’t you move a whisker...,’ I teased. Taking a load from the tumble dryer, I threw another armful in, slammed the door and turned the heat up. Ambling to the kitchen, I was about to put the kettle on when I heard a bang - then another. And another. ‘What’s that racket?’ my hubby, Alistair, 38, asked. I went back to the dryer to investigate. Opening the machine, my blood ran cold. ‘Oh, my God!’ I yelled. ‘It’s Jet!’ She must’ve slipped into the warm haven when I turned my back to pick up the laundry. Poor Jet had been spinning in…