Table of contents for April 2016 in Esquire

IT TAKES A LOT OF MONEY to be poor. I never knew that until I lost my job. Lights, phone, water, heat—the bills keep coming. Snag an interview and it’s miles away, so factor in a car note. The landlord keeps knocking. That rainy-day fund you spent years assembling washes away in months and suddenly you’re headed downhill with no brakes. I’d never sniffed wealthy, but I’d always been flush. At seventeen I was bringing home more money than my old man, hanging boxcar doors at an N & W repair yard overlooking the Cuyahoga River, the junior partner by two decades in a firm populated by former members of the Wild Bunch. Most of my contemporaries were wearing paper hats and being told to hold the pickles. I had…

Dates of birth: March 22, 1971, and February 21, 1979 Which make them: 45 and 37 Hometowns: Detroit and New York Where Key was: Adopted by a white woman and a black man. After being: Born to a white woman and a black man. And only later learned: About his six biological siblings. Including: His late half brother, the renowned comicbook writer Dwayne McDuffie. Meanwhile, Peele was: Raised by his white mother. Which all goes toward explaining why: They considered naming their show Beige. Education (Key): A BFA at University of Detroit Mercy and an MFA at Penn State University in theater. Education (Peele): An incomplete BA at Sarah Lawrence. Which he abandoned to: Create the comedy duo Two White Guys. Alongside: A white Jewish lesbian. They finally met in:…

IN 1993, THE NOVELIST Ethan Canin published a short story in this magazine that set the stage for the writer he was to become. Titled “The Accountant,” the 18,000-word story is a miracle of character development and embodiment, and given that his main character is an accountant—whose work seems to have been chosen for him by his temperament rather than the other way around—to be drawn into the story was to experience an emotional claustrophobia of the highest order. Made you want to scream. But you couldn’t stop reading— at least I couldn’t—because every word on the pages of this unusual piece of fiction is so jarringly true, and by God we had to find out what happened to this man, whose life was so measured that the slightest transgression…

1. If you run out of things to say in a business meeting, we don’t mind if you don’t ask us about our kids. In fact, please don’t. 2. Since we’re talking about it, you know how we say something in a meeting and everyone ignores it, and then you repeat it 30 seconds later and everyone thinks it’s a great idea? We keep a tally of that. And we’re coming for you, Mike. 3. We get dressed to impress other women, not you. Mostly black lesbians. They are very discerning. 4. Taking the children to school every day is the most powerful aphrodisiac known to man. 5. Scratch that. Dropping the children off at school and later spontaneously taking over bath- and bedtime is the most powerful aphrodisiac known…

A Suggestion for Scotch Distillers A Suggestion for Scotch Distillers If you’re going to do away with precise age statements, use shorthand like the French do for cognac. Instead of VS, VSOP, XO, and Hors d’Age, try WL (Wee Laddie) for 4 to 7 years, NTB (No Too Bad) for 8 to 10 years, MM (Mither’s Milk) for 11 to 15 years, and RA (Right Auld) for 16+ years. —D. W. RECENT YEARS HAVE seen whisky take sales away from vodka for the first time since the beginning of the 1950s. Here’s the thing, though: If people start drinking more vodka, all distillers have to do is order more grain and bottles and add another shift down at the plant. With whisky, however, there is an intermediate step between still…

YOU NEED NOT look like the most well-prepared man at the airport, even if you are the most well-prepared man at the airport. With a few additions and adjustments to what you already want to wear (a T-shirt and jeans), you can be better-equipped than the guy with the neck-strap passport holder and the bounty of personal items—which will only slow him down. Here, our field report on how. THE UTILITY BELT (THAT IS A JACKET) So, you’ve got no use for a blazer. That’s fine. There is still a wondrous, slick moment provided by this five-pocket military jacket, and it occurs when you’re at the security X-ray. Instead of clearing out the wads of whatever from your pockets, all you have to do is remove said jacket—in which you’ve…

GOT A QUESTION FOR NICK SULLIVAN? E-MAIL HIM AT ESQSTYLE@HEARST.COM, OR TWEET HIM AT @ESQSTYLE. FOR STORE INFORMATION SEE PAGE 136. Bruce Pask Men’s fashion director, Bergdorf Goodman Be it the dead of winter or high summer, I never travel without a pair of [1] Orlebar Brown swim trunks ($240; orlebarbrown.com) in my carry-on. There could be a blizzard, but the hotel may have a pool. Or you might end up near a beach with an unexpected free hour. I also pack a charcoalgray worsted-wool tie. I’m always prepared, even on a casual holiday, if things take a turn for the dressy. Eric Jennings Vice-president & fashion director of men’s wear, Saks Fifth Avenue I use the [2] Skits Geek tech case ($99; skitsproducts.com) for all my electric cords, adapters,…

To catch up on the previous installment of the Esquire Fitness Challenge and to learn more about our upcoming American Ninja Warrior contest, visit esquire.com/fitnesschallenge. Like coitus and cunnilingus, libido is a vaguely clinical term that no man should ever utter aloud (except, of course, in the public reading of erotic fifiction, in which case, a little louder, please?). But a man’s libido—his interest in and capacity for initiating, maintaining, and completing intercourse, i.e., his sex drive—is a direct reflflection of his cardiovascular, hormonal, and mental health, and if you’re not working to protect it, your sex life isn’t the only thing that’s going to suffer. Here’s what to keep in mind: > Hit the gym. Testosterone is essential to a strong sex drive, and weight-lifting workouts have been shown…

BEGINNER Start with your company’s 401(k). At the very least, max out to company matching—that’s free money. Consider going to the IRS contribution limit (currently $18,000). > Whether it’s a retirement account— 401(k) or Roth IRA—or a nonretirement account with a mutual fund, stick with an index fund that charges a low or no management fee. Skip bonds and instead focus on high-growth equity markets. > Forget about day-trading or investing in individual stocks— managing those investments requires more time than you probably have to give it. INTERMEDIATE > Find an independent investment advisor who’s not aligned with any specific financial product or mutual fund— you can look for one at napfa.org. > Think about diversification. Ask about the right balance between bonds (less risky) and stocks (more risky). If…

What we learned from reading fifty years of Warren Buffett’s annual letter to his shareholders: ON THE NEAR TERM “Successfully forecasting shortterm stock price movements is something we think neither we nor anyone else can do.” ON THE LONG TERM “We can be very patient. (No matter how great the talent or effort, some things just take time: you can’t produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.)” ON BUYING IN BULK “We try to avoid buying a little of this or that when we are only lukewarm about the business or its price. When we are convinced as to attractiveness, we believe in buying worthwhile amounts.” ON PERSONAL FINANCE “A thrifty wage earner . . . could achieve regular annual increases in his total income without…

My parents bought the house I grew up in for $9,000. They got a thirty-year note. To them, that was a pretty heavy lift, what with six boys to feed, and every week my father would come in from work and sit at the kitchen table to go over his paycheck with my mother, who was the keeper of the budget. My dad worked at a plant on the Texas Gulf Coast making polyethylene and was the Cal Ripken of the graveyard shift. He would never pass up a chance at overtime, and it was in his sheer endurance that he found his meaning in life. Like a redneck Russian peasant. I didn’t know it then, but without all of his overtime, we wouldn’t have made it. He would come…

Because bitcoin is an invisible currency with no central bank or government to regulate it, bitcoin users put their faith in a complex system of decentralized oversight called mining. Anyone can join the workforce of miners, who use mathematical equations to verify individual transactions—ensuring, in effect, that no one tries to spend the same bitcoin more than once. After a transaction has checked out, miners translate it into a short, unique code and bundle it with hundreds of other transactions into a block. A long chain of these blocks, known as—you guessed it— the blockchain, acts as a kind of public ledger that anyone in the network can access, like a crowdsourced regulatory structure. The mining community is not expected to do this labor without incentive, of course. For every…

NOT THAT GUY. ANOTHER GU Y. I WILL TELL YOU AS MUCH AS I CAN ABOUT the rich man without violating his anonymity or privacy. He is—or until recently was—a partner in a hedge fund. He is in mid-to-late middle age, losing his hair but extremely upright and fifififififififififififififififififit despite his habit of injuring himself. He projects practicality to the point of sagacity but tends toward amusement, and his amusement is infectious. His greatest extravagances are the vacations he takes with his family—vacations marked not just by luxury in exotic locales but also by excellent service. He has two cars that are each in the range of $100,000 and a “fun” car that is more expensive than it looks. In areas known for high-end real estate, he has three houses,…

In March 2010, Tiger Woods announced that he would return to golf after his selfimposed period of penance following his marital difficulties, and that he would do so at the Masters. The night after he made that announcement, I made a wager with a friend that Woods would never win another of golf ’s four major tournaments—$1,000 a year for as long as he competed. That turned out well. I would make a similar wager that there will never be driverless cars in the way that Google and Tesla imagine them—totally independent of human intercession and capable of going anywhere. I realize that I am in the minority. From the breathless coverage that automation receives, one gets the impression that it’s right around the corner. Excuse me, but bullshit. (See…

Marjorie Eliot is an old, frail woman. Her apartment is shabby and unair-conditioned. And it’s there she’ll give you just about the best musical experience of your life. Eliot is a serious jazz artist, with sidemen who range in experience from students to kick-ass players. But the real beauty is the feeling in the room at Parlor Jazz. When Eliot sits at the piano, it’s like a magic trick—if you took the subway over to 118th Street, Charlie Parker would still be playing at Minton’s. The room has that feeling that music is the thing we share that heals us, and Eliot’s age and frailty drive the message home. The whole experience fills you with gratitude. When you walk out of that once grand Harlem apartment—the same building where Count…

First, put on your helmet. Take a $70,000-ish Mercedes-Benz AMG and mash the gas until you reach 50 mph, then slam the brakes through the floorboard as you try to maneuver through two tiny pylons. Jump into another very expensive AMG, kick out the rear end on a skid pad, and see if you can stay on the road. You like to drive as fast as you can in a straight line? Go ahead, drag-race. How does agility slalom sound? Sure, turn your knuckles white. Want to drive the GT S, one of the fastest and most expensive AMGs on the road? Take it out all day at Lime Rock Park. You know, the one that Paul Newman called his home track. amgacademy.com…

PAUL REUBENS LOVES HIS iPHONE. The man behind Pee-wee Herman uses it for everything—as a translator, as a distraction from other conversations—and he reaches for it to demonstrate its miracles or answer its beckoning dings throughout lunch on a Saturday in Los Angeles. He also called me from it to very considerately apologize for being stuck in traffic and running barely ten minutes late for our meeting at El Cholo. Once Reubens is settled at our table in the Mexican restaurant, his iPhone goes off with an alarm instructing him to “Turn on lava lamp.” Why does Reubens have to be reminded to turn on a lava lamp? Because it’s gigantic and takes a long time to heat up, needing to be plugged in during the afternoon so that it’s…

A BRIEF ANNOUNCEMENT: STUFF HAPPENS, especially when you are surrounded by strangers and their children, who would much rather move like a sugar-high tornado than avoid spilling water on your wool suit. And when you fail to properly secure the top of your to-go coffee, or don’t move much while on the plane (resulting in a deep-rooted seat-belt wrinkle). But some clothing is designed to protect you from these threats. Below, a guide to some of the best. FOR WRINKLES AND WATER The J. Hilburn Performance Series wool suits are coated in Teflon. (Yes, the Teflon of nonstick pans and elusive—at least for a time—mafiosos.) This means that water collects only on the surface, in droplet form (see above). The suits are also cut wider than needed and then shrunk…

Q What’s a technique that you use to make your travels around the world less stressful? A: I’ve tended to pack way too much. So on a three-week jaunt in Europe for the fashion shows, carrying it all became a constant thorn in my side. But now I lay everything out two days before and force myself to pick half. When we went around the world for the March issue, I managed it with a weekender, throwing away underwear as I went and buying new at airports. It was liberating. Q How do you set your watch when you’re traveling? To your home? To your destination? A: I have been told that if you go ahead and set the time on your watch at takeoff to the time in your…

Last July, I found myself playing golf in the Canadian Rockies. For whatever reason—the elevation, the wind, the downhill run offered from the tee—I hit a drive 390 yards, to the very edge of the green, on a par 4, near the three elk standing by the hole. My partners, whom I’d never met before and have never seen since, were mightily impressed, and one insisted we walk to the ball to count off the yards. I’d come up into the grip of the mountains to find myself doing something I’d never thought possible, in a place where nothing made a sound besides the man tallying the measure of my accomplishment. banffspringsgolfclub.com…

A RACE-CAR DRIVER’S CONDITIONAL LAMENT The important thing about driving is not speed but control. And the important thing about automation is loss of control. > You ever taste a burning clutch? First you smell it, then you taste it. You ever smell gear oil? You ever hear the engine go wrong before you feel it? You ever feel your body forced in a way that feels wrong? You want to give up that kind of awareness? > Look: If I could put myself on a massive expressway that engaged my car along with every other vehicle on that highway in autonomy and drove us all at a specific speed with no slowdowns, then dumped me at the right exit and allowed me to drive to my final destination, then…

YOU’VE WON! PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE GAVE AWAY ALMOST $7 MILLION IN 2015, WITH LUCKY WINNERS HAILING FROM THE LIKES OF FARMINGTON, NEW MEXICO; TEXARKANA, TEXAS; AND KISSIMMEE, FLORIDA. NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF COIN OR CURRENCY HAS THE WORD MEANT SO MANY different things to so many different people. Money is a paper bill in our pocket, a plastic card in our wallet, a constellation of code up in the Cloud. It’s a language we all speak (or try to speak), a problem lem we all have, a solution we all seek. It’s the greatest cause of our comforts and the greatest source of our insecurities, and these days, even with unemployment bottoming out, wages gradually rising, and key economic indicators suggesting that predictions of imminent recession are greatly exagger-…

Almost nobody gets rich by investing the way that financial advisors tell you to invest. (Financial advisors are good at giving advice to people who are already rich, or helping people achieve some kind of security in old age, but they don’t know how to help people get rich.) Instead, the road to financial independence is much, much simpler: Make more money. And unless you want to take a risk and start your own business (it ain’t for everyone), you need to find a way to convince your employer to pay you more. The best way to do that is to invest in yourself, enhance and market your value in the marketplace, and drive up your price. First, you’ll want to set aside $1,000 and invest it in building up…

HEALTH INSURANCE Need it? Yes. (Or pay a fifine. Thanks, Obamacare!) Baseline coverage: High-deductible, socalled catastrophe insurance. Sweet spot: If you’re under forty and/or relatively healthy, a decent HMO plan (lower cost, less coverage, smaller network); if you’re over forty and/or like going to the doctor, an EPO or a PPO (pricier, but more options and control). Agree to no deductible higher than: $1,300 Oh, and: Unless you see a dentist or eye doctor one or more times a year, skip vision and dental (with their high-ish deductibles) and pay out of pocket. HOMEOWNER’S INSURANCE Need it? Only if you carry a mortgage. Baseline coverage: HO 1 or 2 policy (catastrophic loss to your house or property) based on replacement costs, not actual cash value. (You’ll get screwed on the…

How to do it: Start by socking away 10 percent of your income in a fairly typical, fairly conservative indexed mutual fund, and then increase that number over the years. Aim for 20 percent by the time you’re forty—or about $12,000 a year for thirty years at a 7 percent rate of return— and you’ll get there easy. What it’ll do for you: Dividends paid out will bring you an annual income stream of about 4 percent (or about $34,000 after capital-gains taxes). Then you’ll want to account for Social Security: Since the maximum payout is $2,639 a month ($31,668 a year), and the average payout is $1,287 a month ($15,444 a year), let’s split the difference and say you’re getting $1,950 a month (or $23,400) from the government. (If…

MY VISITS TO STARBUCKS HAVE LATELY BECOME SIGNIFIcantly less enjoyable. This is partly because my shaky middle-aged body is more prone to caffeine jitters. But itÕs also because I recently read a book called The Most Good You Can Do, by Princeton University philosopher Peter Singer, which introduced me to some stark ethical math. If I spend three dollars a day on coffee, thatÕs about $1,000 a year. HereÕs what that same $1,000 a year could do. . . . Protect nearly seven hundred people in countries like Malawi from malaria, a disease that kills about half a million people annually. Fund two complete surgeries for women in countries like Nepal with a horrible condition thatmakes them outcasts. (They have a hole between their vagina and rectum or bladder.) >…

STACEY WOODS: Tell me about all of the kitty cats in your new film, Keanu. JORDAN PEELE: The kitty cats. We had a lot of kitty cats. There were two phases of kittens that were all Keanu, and two groups within the phases. SW: Were they related? Were they brothers and sisters? KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: They gave us two separate litters from the same mom. SW: Was she a breeder? JP: We were just knocking her up left and right. KK: Boosh. Boosh. Boosh. Boosh. JP: She was a sex slave for Keanu. KK: This poor used and turned-out cat. SW: Where is she now? KK: She’s back on the streets—we tossed her back out there. JP: Chewed her up, tossed her out—now she’s on Hollywood Boulevard. KK: Rode her hard, left…

PARTAKE OF A FEW too many manhattans and rib eyes this winter? Yeah, us too. That’s why we just published a new fitness book, The Esquire Guide to Bodyweight Training (Rockridge Press, $19). And since even amazing gyms can be far away or full of grunting Fabios, our book focuses on calisthenics you can do anywhere at any time. Like . . . right now. Written by Adam Schersten, a fantastic Equinox trainer—Equinox is also one of our partners for the Esquire Fitness Challenge (page 80); see a pattern?—the book contains 75 exercises and dozens of illustrations, plus three progressive fitness programs. Check out this sample routine called the Gambler, aimed at getting you out of the rut of doing the same exercises every day. If you dig it, you…

Funny* Joke from a Beautiful Woman The Amazon Echo has three responses to the command “Alexa, tell me a joke.” This is one of them: “Do you know where I had my first dance? At the Amazon dot Prom.” *Esquire cannot guarantee that this joke will be funny to everyone. Questions Alexa Answers, in Ascending Order of Sadness: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? • How many roads must a man walk down? • When am I going to die? • What are you wearing? AS MUCH AS I might describe my healthy attitude toward life as a finely balanced recipe of self-loathing and egotism, what keeps that balance stable is an overwhelming paranoia, as well as my assistant, Mary, who’s worked with me for the past…

Most men plan for the destination: the car, the restaurant, the clean briefs. In so doing, they neglect the journey and end up in the security line stressed at the outset, feverishly rummaging for their ticket, their khakis drooping because of all that’s stuffed in the pockets. Here’s a better plan: Wear a blazer. Not just because it looks better but also because it’s equipped with several sturdy pockets that enhance organization and render items accessible. If it’s tailored (not too snugly), it will be as comfortable as anything. Plus, a denim version, like this new addition from Zegna’s made-to-measure service, Su Misura, will look fine even when it’s a little rumpled. (That’s the upside of all cotton-based suits.) Plus, if you wear it, you don’t have to pack it.…

THE BEACH THE BOARD ROOM WHEN WE WERE YOUNG—before being able to tie our laces became fetishized by the elder elite (i.e., our mother)—we wore slip-on shoes everywhere. And we looked good. And our feet were plenty clean and safe. When we look at the array above, we cannot remember why we started considering them less respectable than shoes with laces. Slip-ons can be refined. They are also easy to put on and take off, though that does not mean you should feel free to remove them during the flight. Did your mother teach you nothing?…

ESQUIRE $ 2,000.00$ The old joke holds that the modern car could never have been invented, only evolved. That if someone had jumped us straight from horses to sixty-mph two-lane jousting, we’d call the whole mess insane. That’s the crazy thing about the new, which we always seem to forget: We rarely know, and often cannot fathom, what comes next until we figure it out. The challenge of the automated* car industry is that no one knows what we’re figuring out. Is it “full automation”? What does that mean, exactly? Also, uh, if a driverless car kills someone because of a software glitch, who’s at fault: the car, the owner, the programmer? And what kinds of laws do we need now? And who will provide insurance? And what happens when…

HOW SAFE WE ARE NOW In 2014, 32,675 people died in motor-vehicle crashes in the United States. That’s 90 people per day. To put that in perspective, that’s like: A Boeing 777 airplane falling out of the sky every four days. A twelve-car M7 passenger train at full capacity crashing once every two weeks. A Carnival Triumph cruise ship at full capacity sinking once a month for eight months. The causes of motor-vehicle crashes in the U. S.: 9,967 people (31 percent) died in crashes involving alcohol impairment. 9,262 people (28 percent) died in crashes involving speeding. 3,179 people (10 percent) died in crashes in which distracted driving was reported. Source: National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. What will be implemented within the next five years and the next ten years…

PART THREE FEATURING SPECIAL PARTNERS : EQUINOX AND THE MAYO CLINIC WORLD’S GREATEST HEALTH CLUB AND WORLD’S GREATEST HOSPITAL THREE ROUNDS IN, WE’RE NOTICING A DIFFERENCE IN OUR FLEXIBILITY, BALANCE, AND ABILITY TO LIFT HEAVY OBJECTS WITHOUT GROANING. THIS IS WHEN THINGS START GETTING FUN. THE WARM-UP THREE MOVEMENTS TO EXTEND YOUR RANGE OF MOTION AND LOOSEN TIGHTNESS IN YOUR JOINTS AND SPINE Sit on a foam roller and cross your legs so that your left ankle is resting on your right knee. Roll back and forth up and down the left side of your glutes for 30 seconds. Switch sides; repeat for 30 seconds. Work on your spine for about one minute. This is what we call the beast crawl: Get down on all fours, with your hands directly…

SPORT O F KINGS FOR BEGINNERS, THE BUY-IN FOR LEARNING TO PLAY POLO—FOR EQUIPMENT, CLUB FEES, AND, OF COURSE, PONIES—STARTS AT ABOUT $25,000. AND THAT’S NOT COUNTING MONTHLY STABLING COSTS. EIGHT WAYS TO SPEND MONEY NOW Only two of which involve an actual wallet Cash Upside: Useful in cash-only restaurants. Good for tipping and gambling. Downside: The paper stuff is filthy. Credit Cards Upside: Rewards programs. Built-in protection against loss or fraud. Downside: Usurious interest rates on balances. A primary driver of personal debt. Bitcoin Upside: As far as untraceable, vaguely illicit digital currencies go, it’s pretty topnotch. Good for international transactions and the odd bit of chicanery. Downside: See page 94. Venmo Upside: This userfriendly “digital wallet” is compatible with both iOS and Android systems. Great for splitting dinner…

Does carrying less cash have anything to do with how much I spend? Yes. Virtually every study says we spend more with credit cards than with cold hard cash. Should I have some bitcoin? Nah. I can’t bet against Warren Buffffett, who says: “Stay away.” Should I feel as comfortable as I do spending money via apps connected to my bank accounts like Venmo, or services like PayPal? Having your credit card connected to one of these services is exponentially safer than connecting your bank account. If there is fraud on your account—which banks and credit-card companies will likely reverse—it feels much worse if there’s literally less money in your bank account than a bigger bill on your credit card. Is there something happening in the world, geopolitically speaking, that…

$1,000,000 PER YEAR TIM NGUYEN, thirty - five Location: Huntington Beach, California > Occupation: Business owner; CEO/cofounder of BeSmartee, a DIY mortgage marketplace > Family status: Married with a nine-month-old son > Homeowner? Renter? “I’m a homeowner. No mortgage.” (Price of home: $1 million.) > Do you keep a budget? “We track every single penny that comes in and out of our bank account. And we give 6 percent of our money away to charity. We have a big heart for animals, children, the elderly, the underprivileged.” > What’s a weekly grocery bill for you? “I break it down monthly. We eat mainly at home. We spend around $1,200 a month.” > One thing your family needs but can’t afffford: “There’s nothing that we need that we can’t afffford. Anything…

BOB DYLAN BOOTLEG SERIES VOL. 13: THE OFF YEARS Spanning the years 1978 to 1988, this six-CD edition ($149) includes acoustic demos, live recordings, and a book of rare photos of the legendary singersongwriter looking not altogether at ease kneeling in a church. A special deluxe edition ($449) includes five additional CDs of Dylan making a wet breathing noise into a microphone “MMMBOP” FOREVER The seven-CD set includes the Hanson brothers’ breakthrough album, Middle of Nowhere; alternate versions of their smash hit “MMMBop”; a live DVD; and a book about how the youngest brother was so traumatized by fame that he stopped growing and spent years in seclusion before finally being cast as the little sister on Nashville. ($100) MOTÖRHEAD: THE MAHALIA JACKSON SESSIONS Pretty self-explanatory. ($49) THE CD: A…