Table of contents for October 2025 in Viz

BONK. Scuttle. Legover. Shag. Hump. Nookie. There are as many words to describe the act of copulation between two people as there are sexual positions – about 20. And Viz is on the hunt for Britain’s favourite term for this popular pastime/reproductive activity. We want EVERY reader to write in and nominate their favourite term to describe the sexual act – perhaps you’re a ‘shag’ man, maybe you’re a ‘poke’ woman, or do you prefer to ‘hide the sausage’ between the sheets? Write in and tell us. Send YOUR favourite word for a fuck to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Sex Word’ as the subject heading. We’ll keep a tally and announce the winning word in the next issue. The term which gets the most votes will become the official Viz word for…

US President and crime family boss DONALD TRUMP has awoken the world to the scourge of Fake News. Enemy of the People broadcasters, such as everyone except Fox News, are poisoning our discourse with leftist propaganda and concocted stories. Even Viz has been guilty of fabricating news in the past. And we’re doing it again today, because ONE of these stories is COMPLETELY MADE UP! But which one is it? Which is True, and which is Fake?,That’s the choice you have to make,If the Fake News can be found,Tell us which and win a pound. That’s right! If you can spot the FAKE NEWS story hiding amongst these four articles, you could be A QUID RICHER! Write in and let us know which these stories is Fake News. Email letters@viz.co.uk…

SATELLITE broadcasters including The Adult Channel, Television X and Babes & Brazzers are up in arms after a Doncaster man threatened to flood the UK market with a small set-top device that will allow viewers to access their services COMPLETELY FREE! And the channel providers, who charge upwards of £6.99 per night to watch their 18+ material, are set to see their profits plummet if the gadget hits the market. Vending machine filler Renton Mould says the porn channel broadcasters are making too much money, and his device is a ‘big win for the little man.’ And he has assured customers that a one-off payment of £20 – less than the cost of three nights’ viewing – will see them able to access all the jazz channels forever free of…

WE all remember discovering hedgerow erotica in our youth – a torn-up Razzle, a few pages ripped from a Fiesta, or a few tantalising pictures of Readers’ Wives from Escort strewn among the branches and leaves at the bottom of a hedge. It’s a rite of passage for every schoolboy. But few people have found as many pornographic treasures as 54-year-old East Midlands council worker Barry Domestos. That’s because Barry is one of the country’s foremost grumble detectorists, and he is about to embark on a Nottingham-wide lecture tour in which he will reveal the secrets behind his adventures and finds. “The rise of internet scud has led to decreased sales of jazzmags, so hedgerow grumble is a lot more scarce than it used to be,” he told The Clifton…

THE first issue of soft core jazz mag Escort hit the top shelves of newsagents in 1980, and with its mix of true erotic stories, readers letters and glamorous models it was an instant hit with the public. But the most popular feature by far was the explicit photographs of amateur models – readers or their partners posing for the camera often for the very first time. This ‘Readers’ Wives’ section became the reason for the mag’s success, and pleasuring oneself to pictures of 25-year-old Janice from Bolton baring all was a harmless and enjoyable pastime for many men. But if you discovered that first issue of Escort in your attic, would it still be okay to relax in a gentleman’s way to those photographs? Because pulchritudinous Janice is now a white-haired…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk assagne n. Unappetizing layers of bum mince and arse paper deposited in the pan, possibly with a cheesy topping. See also bangers and mash, Andrex sandwich, Viennetta. backstairs Billy 1. n. prop. Nickname of the late Queen Mum’s faithful retainer for the thick end of half a century, who got his P45 as soon as she carked it. 2. n. Polite reminder from the butler’s pantry that one needs to open one’s Denis Howells for a dirty great shite. bailiff poo n. A dump that is loudly knocking at the back door. banana string 1. n. The unpalatable strands which emerge when a musatoid fruit is peeled. 2. n. The unpalatable strands which emerge when a chap mucks about with something in his fruitbowl that “grows in hands”. Beadle bait n. A comical mishap caught…

WHEN I heard that Ozzy Osbourne had died, I wept. I wept and I wept and I wept. And when I had finished weeping, I heard that Hulk Hogan had died as well, and I wept again. I wept again and I wept again and I wept again. For these were two titans in their fields. Two Colossuses of roads, standing head and shoulders above their piers in the worlds of rock – Osbourne – and wrestling – Hogan (actually I should of said Ozzy Osbourne and Hulk Hogan because that’s two more words). For these were two titans in their fields. Two Colossuses of roads, standing head and shoulders above their piers in the worlds of rock – Ozzy Osbourne – and wrestling – Hulk Hogan. And both of these…

letters@viz.co.uk toptips@viz.co.uk STAR LETTER WHEN I was at school, I had a stick insect which I kept in an old sweet jar. Unfortunately I didn’t feed it and it died. Fat Al White, Wrenthorpe * What a tragic story, Fat Al. We are sorry for your loss. PEOPLE often complain that “It’s been one thing after another”, but what order do they want them in? I bet if you changed things round so they were all jumbled up or back to front, they STILL wouldn’t be happy. You just can’t please some folk these days. Betty Tupperware, Chandler’s Ford I AGREE with Betty Tupperware (above). There is no point people complaining about “one thing after another” as that is just the nature of time. Renton Prodworthy, Hull HAD THEY attended…

THESE days, adult material is getting ever more extreme, explicit and ‘in your face’ with cream pies, water sports and triple penetration seemingly all the fashion. We don’t seem to able to switch on a computer, turn the safe search off and type ‘close up pink’ into the search bar without being confronted by hundreds of graphic images featuring aroused body parts. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned erotica? Where are the scantily clad ladies in stockings and suspenders, smiling for the camera and raising our blood pressure? If only those more innocent days could come back for Britain’s 21st century onanists, returning us to a more gentle time, long before the age of PornHub, Only Fans and Fuckmywifewhileiwatch.com. Well now they can, because we’ve got a copy of the Spring…

AFTER spending the last 40 years looking for torn-up adult mags under hedges, Barry has built up a wealth of experience – a catalogue of do’s, don’ts and best practices which he draws upon to maximise his chance of making a find. Now he shares that knowledge with this rundown of his top grumble-hunt tips. Choose your hunting ground MUCKY books can be found under hedges anywhere in the town or countryside. But nobody is going to tear up a grumble mag and throw it under a bush if they think they are going to be seen, so it is more commonly found in secluded areas, such as hedge-lined pathways, cut-throughs or woodland copses. Get into the mindset WHO discards jazz mags in hedges, and why? If you can get into…

PRIVATE BOOTHS AVAILABLE ON REQUEST Tails is the UKs first and original American-style, adults-only tapdancing club. Open from midday until 3am, 7 days a week, we are the only tapdancing establishment where you can get up close and personal with your own tapdancer*. From toe drops to heel digs, all of our dancers offer a discreet, one-to-one tapdance at a price you can afford. “I was a little worried that my other half would find out that I’d been to a members-only tapdancing club, but thankfully Tails ensure that all aspects of membership are kept discreet, from bank statement references to email mailouts. Now I can enjoy personal tapdances without the guilt. Thanks, Tails!” Mr B, Cheshire “Tails is the Real Deal. None of your soft-shoe nonsense here. This is hardcore tapdancing…

All-inclusive ‘Back to School’ package tours includes return flights and transfers, hotel, all local council non-attendance fines plus travel cover for possible court prosecution back home for repeatedly taking your kids out of school. Escape the ‘holiday tax’ by choosing from 5, 7,10 and 14 night stays at a huge range of top resorts that suddenly double, triple or quadruple their rates during school holidays. The best full-, half-board or room only breaks this Autumn during term time. Prices start from fines of just £80 for 5 nights per child in an average 2 child family, plus FREE visit from Social Services. Just LOOK at these incredible deals! MAJORCA (Winter term week 2 deal for family of 4) Prices from £1000 covering full-board hotel, flights and doctor’s certificates for the…

ARE YOU a season ticket holder for a football team? If so, you most probably purchased it expecting to enjoy the full fixture of games, and in all likelihood you’ll see them all. But what if life has other plans in store for you? We cannot predict the future, and life has a habit of pulling the rug out from under our feet. You may be taken, before your time, and more worryingly, mid-season. If the worst were to happen, have you given thought to what will happen to YOUR season ticket? What a waste it would be were it simply thrown away, leaving an empty seat at your ground on match day whilst desperate fans queued at the turnstiles, unable to get in. But that nightmare scenario can be…

Greatest technology of the century! See through fingers - through skin - see yolk of egg - see lead in pencil. Many, many amazing, astounding illusory “Smart” views yours to see ALWAYS - when YOU wear Slimline “Smart” Glasses. Bring them to parties for real FUN - GUARANTEED! Record everything you see in 4k of “Smart” Vision the instant you put them on. AI assistant tells you what your eyes see. When you look at your friends you’ll “see” the most (blushingly funny) amazing things! Take photo. No real improvement in quality of life is obtained, but you get an illusion of “Smart” vision so amazing you hardly believe your eyes. 2 hours of charge gives 2 minutes of fun! Apparently we see bones through skin and other things and…

ADERBYSHIRE OAP who has never had a girlfriend in his life has suddenly found himself having to fight off the fanny, after winning £185 million on a Lucky Dip Euromillions lottery ticket last month. And nonagenarian Albert Mildew says that he cannot believe his luck in winning both the national lottery and love’s lottery at the same time. “It’s just fantastic,” newly minted multi-millionaire Albert told the Bakewell Tart and Flan. “Women have ignored me all my life, and now they’re suddenly round me like flies round shite. I just don’t understand it.” “For the first time ever, my love life is wonderful. I’ve been dating a twenty-year-old piece from the town for the past couple of days, ever since I dumped the nineteen-year-old from Matlock,” he said, slavering. Former…

No. 349 Across 8 Raise jacksie (4) 9 Flaky pussy I shag as pet is barking! (4,6) 10 Rascal experiencing brewer’s droop, head not given (3) 11 Zip I say has caught member (5) 12 Trump has dose of Tylenol, effectively taken as enema? (5) 13 Cuckoo fuckers (7) 14 Faster winds about right, those blowing off (7) 15 Palindromic breast (3) 17 Arse buggered by soldier, star (7) 18 Relative covered in dangleberries I see… (3) 20 …another slipping foreign currency inside slippery gap (7) 21 Respect cooks, if this served with spam for John Thomas? (7) 23 Offensive noshing pustule, initially blistering (5) 24 Tit pants, very old, good on you! (5) 25 14 Across would let that tear (3) 26 Arse proved difficult to cover (6,4) 27…