Table of contents for May 2023 in Viz

LAST month, Match of the Day presenter and former England captain GARY LINEKER criticised the elected – yes, ELECTED – British government, likening them to the Nazi party simply for demonising a group of people. Should the former footballer be allowed to express his opinion in a free and democratic society? Or should he keep his traitorous remarks to himself and stop making life difficult for our hard-working government ministers? We went on the streets to see what YOU thought. …HOME SECRETARY Suella Braverman told Breakfast TV viewers that she was ‘disappointed’ by Lineker’s remarks. Now I like Gary very much, but you can’t go around disappointing our cabinet ministers. Their jobs are hard enough as it is without them having to suffer disappointment during the working day. He has…

THEY’RE the iconic British ceremonies that have been keeping our country in Kings and Queens ever since the Dark Ages. They’re Coronations – the point at which the acting monarch becomes ruler in the eyes of God. We Brits have talked of little else these past months, but how much do we REALLY know about these time honoured rituals? Since we haven’t had one in the UK since 1953, the answer is probably the thick end of fuck all. So string up the bunting, grab your crown, orb and sceptre, and get comfy on the throne, as we bring you… 1 The earliest recorded coronation is the one held for Ancient British queen BOUDICA in 55 AD. The event took place in Camulodunum, with thousands of Brittonic tribespeople flocking to…

ON May 6th 2023, the Archbishop of Canterbury will take the holy Chrism oil and anoint the hands, breast and forehead of Charles Windsor. He will then place the 5lb jewel-encrusted Crown of St. Edward on his head, magically transforming him from plain old Prince Charles into King Charles III of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth. And every one of the 7.942 billion people on the planet will be glued to their television sets watching the proceedings with awe and wonderment. Well, not exactly every one. Because there are amongst us a number of so-called ‘Republicans’ – people who believe that the Royal family should be done away with and replaced by God-knows-what – who will make a point of not watching the ceremony. This group of malcontents and…

“Avoiding carnivores in the Kenyan countryside, getting mugged in Brazil, entering a country at war for a single pint of beer, meeting the gangsters of a Ugandan botanical garden, or simply struggling to urinate in front of Peruvian drug dealers. It all comes with getting off the tourist trail and away from the usual holiday resorts. Stephen Koral has a dream to travel to a hundred countries before he kicks the bucket. Now in his mid-thirties while juggling adult matters like finances and keeping his fiery wife happy, Koral finds the easy to travel countries are in the rear-view mirror, and the new destinations have become increasingly harder for a British traveller to adapt to in the relentless pursuit of seeing more of the world” Available at amazon as a…

CHILDREN nowadays are soft as shite, whereas in the 60s, 70s and 80s kids were hard as fuck. Thinking about it, it may have had something to do with all that asbestos in the classrooms. So come on. Let’s bring back asbestos and have tougher kids. Hasto, Cramlington I CAN’T help thinking that this government would not be getting away with their appalling behaviour if the Tories had employed Dame Thora Hird as a special adviser. When the likes of Suella Braverman started airing their rather robust views on how this country should be run, the common sense clog-sparker would simply shut them down by shouting something like “Oh pull yer ’orns in why don’t yer?!” whilst ‘donkey-stoning’ the front step until it gleamed. Mike Hayley, Penrith I LIVE in…

Dear Professor Cox, DESPITE sitting centrally on the toilet seat, every time I take a shit there is heavy foulage on the left hand side of the pan. Is this something to do with the earth’s rotation? Dick Foreskinsythe, Skye Prof Cox says… It is indeed, Dick. At latitude 57N, the velocity of rotation of the earth in Skye is 912km/hr or 253m/s. This means when you go for a shit, whilst the bum cigar comes out at a certain speed vertically downwards, it is also subject to a force acting on it at 90? caused by the earth’s rotation. The direction the copper bolt comes out at is therefore the resultant of these two vector forces. If you want to prove it to yourself, simply buy a ticket to anywhere…

BRITAIN is a nation in turmoil, with with rifts caused by Brexit and the government’s handling of the COVID19 pandemic dividing our communities. Now, more than ever we need to focus on the tiny things we all have in common, and that’s why we at Viz say it’s time to pull down your underpants, bin your briefs and ‘Bring Back Our Great British Smalls’! For hundreds of years, Britons used the one-size-fits-all expression ‘smalls’ as a charming alternative to the vulgar and needlessly descriptive phrase ‘underwear’. This all changed in 1971 when, in the wake of decimalisation, standardised European terms for intimate garments were aggressively imposed across Britain. OUT went neatly folded Y-fronts and elasticated drawers and IN came American-style boxers and frilly French knickers. By the time the UK…

SCIENTISTS from Bristol University yesterday revealed that they have successfully achieved a form of time travel, sending researchers back in time to witness past events. However, the procedure has limitations, since all the experimental subjects arrived in the historical time period as a DOG! At a press conference held in the university’s main hall, project leader Professor Emma Lanceboil explained to reporters that 175 successful journeys have been made to the past and the future so far, with the subjects successfully returning to the present day after every experiment. “Thanks to our team of scientists and engineers, time travel is now a reality and we are able to send anyone to any period in time and return them safely,” the professor said. She continued: “The main focus of our research…

Action Man’s toboggan n. A substantial and fast-moving, lozenge-shaped Sir Douglas, not dissimilar in size & texture to the popular doll’s gravity-assisted snow-traversing accessory. Andrex worthy adj. Descriptive of a highly satisfying dump that one has deemed worthy of a superior wipe; a number two far too upmarket for any of that 1-ply supermarket-branded nonsense. antiques roadshow 1. n. Sunday teatime TV show featuring Fiona Bruce slumming it with the unwashed hordes. 2. n. A Saga holiday, possibly involving coach travel with repeated stops for the lavatory. arseterisk n. A brown punctuation mark left on the back of the bog seat by a previous inconsiderate or overweight sitter. bathroom nutmeg n. During a sit-down toilet adventure, the unfortunate practice of unknowingly wazzing through the gap between the seat and the porcelain, thus creating an awful…

only £99.99! On Saturday 6th May 2023, Our Glorious Monarch will step inside Westminster Abbey, where before God and his subjects, he will be crowned King. Every one of us will wish His Majesty a victorious, happy and glorious life, long to reign over us. Should he reach the ripe old age of 144, he will become our longest serving monarch, overtaking his mother – Queen Elizabeth II – who ruled the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth for over 7 decades. But not even the most optimistic royalists can see this happening. Indeed, it is extremely unlikely that the 74-year-old king will even see his 133rd birthday and become the longest reigning King, beating the 59-year-long reign of George III. But it is possible that he may become the longest…

WHEN unloading the dishwasher, avoid splashing yourself with the water that has collected in the base of the upturned mugs by drilling small holes in the bases as you load them in, allowing the water to drain away. Andrew Merson, Aberdeenshire 1970s Dr Who fans. Ensure you don’t miss a moment of your show by installing a second television behind your sofa. Russell T Ford, Cardiff SAVE wear and tear on your carpet by affixing it to the ceiling instead of the floor. Martin Harwood, Bradford ANTI-MONARCHISTS. Replacing the words “our” and “King” with “my” and “cock” makes for a clever variation on the National Anthem which can be sung at your next rally. Captain Justice, Henley A CONDOM filled with expanding foam makes a tasty alternative to a vegan…

BRITISH governments. Ensure big energy companies don’t rip off the general public by getting a junior minister to tell the press that ‘the big energy companies must do more to help their customers’ every now and again. George C. Hill, Narberth TURN your humble two-up, two-down semi into a luxurious 10-bedroom mansion by simply adding more interior walls. Johnny Rubber, Wigan FOOL your neighbours into thinking you are training to be an opera singer by standing on your patio in a tuxedo belting out Nessun Dorma whilst your wife hides in a tree and shoots strategically placed wine glasses with an air rifle. Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresford CONDUCTORS. Make live performances of Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons more familiar by stopping your orchestra every three minutes and saying, “Your call is important…

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CHANCELLOR Jeremy Cunt, sorry Hunt, was being urged to take action after the price of wood-glue rose for the fifth time this year. A 500ml bottle of the adhesive white liquid now costs DIY-ers as much as £12.99, a full 25% more expensive than this time last year, and businesses involved in its manufacture and sale think the price increases are unsustainable. “Households are being squeezed by these wood-glue prices,” said Mick Bostick, head of the Adhesive, Gum and Fixative Manufacturers Association. “People who think that manufacturers make more money when prices go up simply do not understand economics.” “When prices go up, people cut back.” “Combined with the general cost of living, it is going to be a very difficult year for everyone,” he continued. “Frankly, some people are…

Across 6 Distracting phrase after release of air biscuit, wind ever aromatic (4,3,5) 9 25 down – like work? (5) 10 See 8 Down 11 See 18 14 Fragrant ring licked, every inch, first of all (3) 15 Couple observing people behind bandstand, originally (5) 16 Testicles: bollocks barely beginning to sweat (7) 18/11 Wag cooked with gas, sod all chips (7,5) 20 Girl with some punani, talented (5) 21 Love norks in limbo, for starters (3) 23 Country’s leaders in Stuttgart usually dicked and nobbed… (5) 24 …country in Germany backing controversial Nazi laws… (9) 25 …something fishy perhaps poking missus, Hitler! (5) 27 Giant penis up muff, not good for the mouth? (12) Down 1/22 Upward curve on bag of piss for penis (4,6) 2 Linger for example…