Table of contents for August 2022 in Viz

letters@viz.co.uk ⃞ I’M NO scientist, but I reckon they didn’t think the CERN Particle Accelerator through properly. The particles can’t be going that fast, as the accelerator is a circle, and they must be cornering all the time. The Channel Tunnel would be much better because it’s nice and straight, so the particles could get a bit of speed up. It would also make it easier to collide particles because, without corners, they could see the other ones coming and head for each other. Obviously they would have to wait for any trains to get out the way before they pulled the trigger, but I’m sure that’s no biggie. Rigsby, London ⃞ IF THE Queen is so great, how come all her kids are total cunts? Cedric J. Quartermaine, Frinton-on-Sea ⃞…

FOR OVER 100 years people have argued over the existence of a mysterious monster inhabiting Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands, with only hearsay and blurred photographs for evidence. For less time – but almost as long – people have argued about whether King Edward VIII should have abdicated in 1936 in order to marry his true love, American divorcee Wallis Simpson; a move which not only led to him becoming the shortest-serving UK monarch, but also left the throne open to his brother George VI and his wife the Queen Mother. In order to clear this issue up once and for all, we put the following question to some of today’s top stars: “Does the Loch Ness Monster actually exist or should King Edward VIII have abdicated?” Joanna Lumley National…

ITALIAN bakers. Increase the load-bearing capacity of your breadsticks by baking a few lengths of spaghetti into each one as a sort of ‘pasta rebar’. Mark Glover, Coventry TV VIEWERS. When watching any celebrity-based competition, always have an internet-enabled device to hand so you can Google who the fuck they all are. Eldon Furse, email FOOTBALLERS. Avoid a yellow card by not committing any bookable offences, and keeping your fingers crossed that the referee doesn’t misjudge or misinterpret any completely legal challenges you make. Aaron, Cowdenbeath FOOL bingo callers into thinking you’re Spanish by shouting “CASA!” when you get all the numbers. John Owens, Glasgow GIVE your house an ‘American’ vibe by lopping a yard off both ends of your shithouse door. Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresford GCSE and A-level candidates. Ease those exam…

A COST of living crisis has hit UK shores, bringing record rises in our energy and food bills. To make matters worse, wages have stagnated whilst inflation has hit its highest level since the early 80s. As a result, people from all walks of life are finding it harder than ever to make ends meet, and police are warning of an incoming tsunami of shoplifting, as people resort to extreme measures to feed and clothe their families. And it gets worse, because whilst shoplifting used to be the preserve of the poor, the forthcoming crisis is set to see respectable people being forced into a life of crime. The spectacle of decent, middle- and upper-class people being forced to shoplift highend goods is one which saddens us all. Of course,…

HITHERE! Graham Parker out of 70s new wave rock band Graham Parker and the Rumour here. You might remember me from Top of the Pops singing chart toppers like Hey Lord Don’t Ask Me Questions and many more. But as well as singing Top Ten hits, I also have a passion which, as coincidence would have it, my second name describes – I’m a parker of cars! That’s right, I’m an absolute sod for driving cars to a standstill in a small space. But parking cars is actually more difficult than you think. And Hey Lord, (you) Don’t (need to) Ask Me Questions about parking, because here are a few words of advice to make it easier, safer, and more enjoyable for everyone. 1. BUY A SMALL CAR. There is…

WE'VE got a ticket to park in Ryde, and we don’t care. Because we’re giving away a up to 6-hours parking in the beautiful Isle of Wight seaside town to one lucky winner of our Park in Ryde competition. To win, simply look at the four photographs of car parks in Ryde on the Isle of Wight, and then match them up with the correct car park name. Send your answers – along with a parking ticket valid at any Ryde car park – to: Park in Ryde Competition, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ. The first lucky winner out of the hat will have their parking charge reimbursed. As usual, every entry enclosing a large letter stamp will receive a free Viz Cheap Pen, as we’ve…

‘Tap’ into the fresh NEW way to drink tap water and stick it to the bottled water brigade by winning one of these exquisitely decorated, and strictly limited edition aluminium Viz drinking flasks. Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 317, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email a photo of it to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject The first correct entry out of the hat on MONDAY 18TH JULY will win a VIZ COMIC ALUMINIUM DRINKING FLASK, a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. The next 5 entries win the water bottle and pen, but not the money. If you want a pen for nothing, send us a large letter stamp and it’s yours. Winner: Perry Iles, Moffat Runners up: Sharon Campbell, Hampshire Archie Beaton, Inverness James Harvey, Cheshire Piers…

This summer, visit the undiscoverable Scottish Highlands on the… GUARANTEED unSCENIC ROUTE! Over 500 miles of stunning views ruined by monstrously-oversized motorhomes! Just park up where you like & block the view! Don’t see all the sights of the Highlands! Voted the UK’s No.1 Vexatious Family Holiday 2021 For your FREE guide to the best B-road-blocking parking spots and handy tips for 50 point turns on single-track roads between passing places, send an SAE to: P.O. 500, 1 Sassenach Way, Bastard London…

PLUS A FREE COPY OF THE COPPER’S TORCH SAVE 11% Receive your first 3 months for £3 on a no-obligation trial basis. If you find you simply can’t live without your fix of adult humour, your subscription means you pay as little as £3.39 a month, instead of £3.90 in the shops. You’ll also receive a FREE COPY of The Copper’s Torch as a welcome gift! CALL 020 0330 8752 333 8195 9492 OR VISIT: shop.viz.co.uk/subscriptions OR EMAIL: hello@metropolis.co.uk Offer is limited only applicable to 1 year print only. CC/DC Please subscription. Free for gift is only delivery. applicable to the first 100 orders…

BACK IN September 2021, the world of TV current affairs reeled in shock when broadcasting icon ANDREW NEIL quit GB News just 3 months after the station’s launch. The big-boned current affairs titan had presented just EIGHT shows on the fledgling channel. A lone beacon of common sense among the otherwise unconditionally Marxist mainstream media, GB News was – and still is – the greatest current affairs station of all time, employing such intellectual titans as NIGEL FARAGE, EAMONN HOLMES and DAN WOOTTON. So why on Earth would Neil want to leave? All manner of explanations have been offered up by the Trotskyite mainstream media – from “creative differences” to “scheduling conflicts” – but one unemployed Clacton-on-Sea man is confident he knows the truth… The GB News studios are HAUNTED!…

AS WE all feel the pinch of the Cost of Living Crisis, Martyn Lewis tells us how to save the pennies when parking. WHEN pulling up in a car park, don’t immediately jump out and buy a ticket. Wait until you see the parking attendant arrive before getting out and heading for the Pay and Display machine. If they have just visited the site, it could be a couple of hours before they come round again - that’s 2 hours parking for FREE! Take a copy of The Puzzler or a Rubik’s Cube to pass the time until they arrive. DRIVE a large car. Since parking for a set period of time costs the same no matter how much of the parking bay your vehicle occupies, it stands to reason that…

Across 6 See 11 7 Solver jerking off, anyone can see in – those windows slatted (7) 9 Suggest brief note written in colour of used blobstopper (9) 10 Model gobbled by billionaires, opportunist lying back (5) 11/6 Weep at oligarch, broke, chap climaxing early over art pamphlet (3-4,7) 13 First person from Paris taking Pole from the rear, this washed up (6) 16 Country also fucked (4) 17 Fiddler fiddling with snake (5) 18 Shag madly – in here? (4) 20/6D Bring one’s lady to organism by wiggling pork chopper after loss of power (3,3,4) 21 Windy fart in Christmas month coming from behind, beautifully made (7) 24 Thieves in dunghampers, by the sound of it? (5) 25 Around opening of poogina, christen tickled anus, say? (9) 27/26 Wank…

A TEESSIDE family was left traumatised last week when the loss of their TV remote control meant they were forced to watch a Sunday evening BBC costume drama. Unable to change channel, Jack and Barbara Hacksaw were left with no option but to sit through the high-budget adaptation of an 18th century novel for an hour, leaving the couple and their two children extremely distressed. The family’s nightmare began a few minutes into The Antiques Roadshow, when Barbara, 49, declared the programme to be “like watching paint dry,” and asked her son Callum change channel to see what else was on. “There was just some woman going on about an old pot, and it was doing my head in,” Mrs Hacksaw explained to reporters. remote However, 12-year-old Callum announced that he…