Table of contents for July 2015 in FHM UK

Mankind has come a hell of a long way. Our ancestors loved to grill their food over fire and hot coal just like us, but the skills and utensils used were, at best, basic and unrefined. A feast back then consisted of little more than crappy white baps sporting blackened sausages – usually still a bit frozen on the inside. But that was the mid-2000s, when we were too busy finding lurid animated backgrounds for our MySpace pages to know any better. Thankfully, though, the men of Great Britain have come to realise that life is too short for economy burgers (and potentially even shorter if you don’t cook them through). The BBQ revolution is upon us. FHM, and of course DJ DBQ, are here to help you, our grill-loving…

THE HATERS Emma Watson at #59. Are you taking me for a full-on dickhead FHM? @andrewflynn_ There must be a bunch of blind men who did this poll. I’ve seen better. Edward Moyers, via Facebook Bullshit! Don’t you mean the 100 sexiest ‘celebrities’. I see sexier women on the bus. @1976Bigdave THE LOVERS Delighted that Michelle Keegan has won the 100 Sexiest, and not just because it’s won me £5. Congrats Keegs! @JamesPywell, via Twitter Well done Mary Berry! Can’t believe she’s not top 10 though – surely didn’t ask lads from Bolton #bakewellsmatter @AndrewHolland, via Twitter I’d have had Margot Robbie in top spot, but I can’t complain with the rest of the list. Bernard, via Facebook THE BAFFLERS So I see FHM still hasn’t put me in the…

Protein powder helps to fuel, repair and maintain lean muscle so you can build a stronger, leaner body. And with USN’s winning mix of products and flavours, you can easily combine it with delicious snacks that crush hunger pangs and power your muscles. Here are three easy recipes to get you in the kitchen. CHOCOLATE PISTACHIO PANCAKES Turn your pancakes into a stack of protein-packed mancakes by whisking 30g of buckwheat flour, 1 tbsp of baking powder, ½ cup of almond milk, one scoop of chocolate peanut-flavoured USN Lean-8 Multi-Phase Protein and some chopped pistachios, then cook the batter for two to four minutes on each side in a pan. The fast, medium and slow-release proteins will fuel your muscles before the gym, while the pistachios deliver fatigue-busting iron. PEACH…

As with so many things in life, Fifty Shades Of Grey is to blame. When E.L. James’ series of pervy novels became a zeitgeist-straddling porno phenomenon, a new fear descended over the men of Britain. What if it was no longer enough to be quite good at sex? What if, in light of the raunchy sado-sex revolution exploding all around, we had to become bullwhip-wielding, sneering fuckmasters of the universe to cut it in the bedroom? Girls, it was decided, were no longer interested in supermarket own-brand lovemaking. Does the bottom draw of your bedside table contain nipple clamps, a ball gag and an economy-sized vat of EZ-Glide lube? No? Then get back to the ’50s, you buttoned-up weirdo! The world’s moved on. You probably don’t even like fisting. Thankfully,…

PETER BUCKLEY FROM: BIRMINGHAM FIGHTS:300 LOST:256 DREW:12 WON:32 Among others, he impressively fought five world champs, including Prince Naseem Hamed. None of them knocked him out. In fact, in a 19-year pro career, often fighting three or four times a month, he never even got cut. KRISTIAN LAIGHT FROM: NUNEATON FIGHTS:213 LOST:197 DREW:7 WON:9 Known as ‘Mr Reliable’, he may well surpass Buckley’s record before retirement. A defensive master, he has fought from featherweight all the way up to light-middleweight. JOHNNY GREAVES FROM: EAST LONDON FIGHTS:100 LOST:96 DREW:0 WON:4 He turned the unappreciated journeyman art into entertainment. He’d give opponents a little kiss, throw an Ali-shuffle or make faces at the crowd. Never KO’d, he stood up to some of the best around despite smoking 20 a day. JODY MEIKLE…

EASE YOURSELF IN If reppin’ the old school from head to toe is a bit daunting, just add one retro piece to your everyday attire. Swap your skinnies for some Marky Mark-style looser-fitting legwear, your polo shirt for an Ellesse one, or your track top for a towelling Fila version. OLD SHIT JUST GOT ‘VINTAGE’ Next time you pay your family a visit, get into the loft, rummage through your old threads and pull out your Ellesse hoodie, Kappa popper trackies and Adidas shell toes and ask why you ever put them away. OTT LOGOS ARE COOL Think of those in-your-face logo belts and caps that fill the shops when you’re on your summer hols abroad and just add a cool British edge. Oh, and the bigger the logo, the…

No. 01 HOW SHOULD I PREPARE FOR A MARATHON CYCLE RIDE? In 2012, Jamie McDonald cycled all the way from Bangkok to his home town of Gloucester. This was not the pinnacle of years of training but something he did on the spur of the moment, using a £50 bike he’d bought from an ad in the local paper. Knowing nothing about bikes could’ve hindered his progress. But, he still managed it. Here are his tips: “Use a steel bike. If it breaks, you can get it welded together. It also has to support the panniers, the bags you carry your stuff in.” “Make sure your wheels are top quality, and that you’re using no-puncture tyres.” “Take it day by day. Concentrate on finishing the day’s ride not the overall…

Ben Tish is chef director for the Salt Yard group, a collection of four London restaurants that specialise in Spanish food. An expert in cooked meats – he gets extremely worked up about ham – here he shows you how to make your packed lunch the envy of the office. 01 CLING FILM IS THE ENEMY “Don’t wrap your sandwich in cling film, it will make it sweaty. Instead, wrap it in parchment paper, which will give it a deli feel and let the air circulate. You can bring your sarnie to work in a Tupperware box, but I prefer a sturdy paper bag – again, it lets the sandwich breathe.” 02 FEELING SAUCY? “I know it’s obvious, but I love mayonnaise, especially alioli, which is the really garlicky variety.…

So you’ve been trading flirty texts all week, and the first date has arrived. Nervous? We don’t blame you: girls are absolutely terrifying. That’s why we’ve asked relationship expert Robert Cox to give his best tips on making sure your debut date together goes like a dream – not a nightmare. “Don’t spend your time asking her boring, inane questions – if you listen to her well enough, you’ll never be short of stuff to talk about” 01 Take control “Woman are always impressed when a guy takes control of the plans. Maybe it’s old-fashioned, but decisiveness and confidence will never stop being attractive. It sounds a bit weird, but have a little glance at her Facebook photos to see what kind of stuff she usually gets up to on…

“I couldn’t be dicked with school, so I convinced my dad I was taking exams. I was off for a month on ‘study leave’.” “An orgasm. I really didn’t want to be there so I just did a fake panting noise, yelped ‘I’m finished’ and ran away.” “Me and wrestler Grado faked a rivalry. It was so convincing that his friends once tried to jump the barricade to get me.” “I was finishing with a girl and said I’d got a job overseas. She kept trying to reach me, so I had friends pretend I’d been killed.” “I was in America for six weeks and I pretended I was a Manchester United player. I got a free tattoo out of it.” “I once faked an orgasm. I was getting nowhere,…

“One of sour, two of sweet, three of strong, four of weak.” As memorable rhymes go, this one doesn’t really have the sticking power of, say, the Um Bongo advert. But these 12 words hold the key to opening up your summer to unbelievable levels of increda-brillasexy-coolness. This rhyming formula is the age-old bartender-only code to perfecting a summer punch. Gone are the days of raiding your mum’s dusty booze cabinet, hurling a crusty bottle of port in with a cherryade and hoping you’ve not birthed a genetic freak with the power to make you pass out before the barbecue gets lit. This year, with this code, we’re declaring that every manly outdoors cook-out be accompanied by an expertly executed, mouth-bustingly tasty pitcher of booze. To prove it, we enlisted…

Olajide Olatunji – 21 years old, confident, dressed in high-end streetwear – is sitting alone in a sparse interrogation room. There are just a couple of chairs, a table, and a big mirror on one wall. Behind it, officious eyes bear down on him for nervous fidgets and garbled answers – the tell-tail signs of a plotting jihadist. It’s the kind of room where, put a foot wrong, and you’ll quickly hear the chilling snap of a latex glove. “First time I went to New York, it was horrible,” says Olatunji, or JJ for short. “I just sat there in a room and they didn’t say anything for hours.” For the uninitiated, passport control in the US can feel a tad hostile; a place where even a granny on her…

Chris Pratt: Five-Year Engagement Before becoming one of the hottest names in Hollywood, Chris Pratt was the go-to guy for comic relief. But it’s The Five-Year Engagement that he brings the most laughs to, with his winning buffoonery and a best man’s speech to end all best man’s speeches. Michael Shannon: Boardwalk Empire The shady dealings of Steve Buscemi’s reign in Boardwalk Empire can make it easy to overlook Shannon’s sinister policeman. With his soul-destroying glare and weird bedroom antics, this menace is enough to keep things interesting for Nucky et al. Mark Ruffalo: Shutter Island Only recently has Ruffalo had his fair share of the limelight, working his way up through supporting parts in Zodiac and Collateral. He’s most notable, however, for keeping things real as DiCaprio’s unkempt partner…

A TRUE BBQ NEVER DIES.Yes,THE EMBERS GO OUT, THE COALS (OR FANCY CHERRY SMOKE WOODCHIPS) GET CHUCKED, THE DISHES ARE WASHED AND THE CANS RECYCLED, BUT THE ESSENCE OF THE THING LIVES ON INSIDE EVERY MAN THAT WAS PRESENT. IN THAT RESPECT, IT’S A BIT LIKE WAR. BUT INSTEAD OF THE DEAFENING RATTLE OF ASSAULT RIFLES AND BELLOWING DRILL SERGEANTS, YOU GET THE SIZZLE OF SAUSAGE MEAT AND THE GENTLE, SEMI-PISSED CONVERSATIONAL BABBLE OF OLD ACQUAINTANCES. MUCH NICKER. THING IS, THERE ARE BBQS. AND THEN THERE ARE BBQS. AND WE VERY MUCH WANT YOUR GRILL-OUT TO BE OF THE LATTER VARIETY. THE AWESOME KIND. THE KIND THAT GO DOWN IN CULINARY HISTORY. THE KIND THAT PEOPLE DON’T MENTION WITHOUT BREAKING INTO A NOSTALGIC SWEAT, COMPLETE WITH TEARS FORMING IN THE…

Mint Condition Breakin’ My Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes) This one is tried and tested. A good one to let her know how you feel, whatever the colour of her eyes. Wee I Think I Am In Love With You This one is for the more sophisticated lady. You can really impress her with your musical knowledge. Don’t forget to tell her you have a copy of the £1,000 OG vinyl pressing at your parents’ crib. BJ The Chicago Kid Good Luv’n Honestly, this guy’s the only person making these kind of songs nowadays and actually doing them justice. Teena Marie Turnin’ Me On You can file this one with the BJ song above. Great to get down to. RIP to the great Lady Tee. Lil’ Louis Do U Luv Me…

THEN NIKE AIR MAX 95 £115, Nike at jdsports.co.uk A favourite of rapper Eminem, they came with a colour palette that could match everything and make any cool outfit complete. NOW The summery blue stripes combined with the black base colour make for a great all-round pair of kicks. Best worn with your denim shorts. KANGOL HAT £45, Kangol at selfridges.com If anyone wore the hell out of the iconic Kangol hat, it was LL Cool J. We think he pretty much wore one for all 3,652 days of the ’90s. They got it right the first time, so why fix it? Great for long, sunny days or festival dance tents by night. CHAMPION HOODIE £75, Champion at size.co.uk Before Angels – and weirdness…

Be in Bruges Bruges – or Brugge as the locals call it – is heartbreakingly pretty, a medieval city that looks like something off the front of a chocolate box. Famous for its medieval architecture and canals, it’s the ideal place to take your lady if you need to get on her good side. After a day walking around the cobbled streets, we’d advise getting your head down in the Number 11 Guest House, a five-star B&B with the sort of posh bathrooms that turn women into wobbling wrecks. You’ll be in her good books for months. Eat some serious grub Belgian food is not for the fainthearted. Forget the dainty sauces of neighbouring France, this is food to power peasants in the windswept fields of Flanders. Our favourites include…

01 The man who kidnapped Alastair was one Petrus Yau from Hong Kong. He was jailed for a minimum of 20 years. He was found by the Philippines National Anti-Kidnapping Task Force (NAKTF) after they traced an email to a woman called Susana Sumogda. She happened to be his wife. 02 When he was detained, Yao was interrogated by the Philippine police, who employed suffocation techniques (using a plastic bag) on his wife in an attempt to make him talk. 03 The subsequent investigation found he was involved in three other kidnappings. One victim, a Brit named Ali Khan, had his ear chopped off in 2001, while another was never recovered. 04 Alastair spent more than three weeks chained upin Yao’s basement but only suffered bruising. The mental anguish was…

CHECK YOUR BALLS Artist Kyle Platts – a pal of our fave illustrator Sam Taylor – has designed a freaky penis and boob face that’s awesomely bonkers. Dicknose Van Boobenchin, £5.50, enamelchin.com FILL YOUR POCKETS Vancouver brand Explorer’s Press crams its online shop with pocket-sized pieces of cool, from rings to postcards. Lost At Last, $5, explorerspress.com BATTER YOUR SAUSAGE The saveloy sausage was originally made using pig’s brains. Think about that the next time you’re enjoying one down the local chippy. Saveloy, £5.50, enamelchin.com CHEER UP Forget Grumpy Cat, 2015 is the year of ‘Disgruntled Trippy Acid Toad’. Rob Flowers Toad, £5.50, beach.london SKATE OR DIE Skateboarding graphics legend Jim Phillips, the guy behind the Santa Cruz ‘screaming hand’, first penned this design in 1983. Natas SMA Panther, £5.50,…

It’s not easy for a bloke to wear oversized, lipstick-red sunglasses and look as cool as a cucumber, yet after watching Kurt Cobain documentary Montage Of Heck, in which the Nirvana frontman dons his lady shades and, y’know, casually becomes a style icon, there’s proof that it’s totally possible. Actually, in 2015, you don’t have to be a Smells Like Teen Spirit-singing, internationally worshipped rock star to wear girl’s clothes without looking like you’re heading to a fancy-dress party dressed as Alex Reid. Nuh huh. This year is all about ‘agender’ – clobber that’ll suit both you and your missus. Department store Selfridges has even opened an entire section dedicated to garms designed for both males and females, proving that the trend has arrived on the high street. Don’t act…

SOUR One part lime juice: Juice a buttload of fresh limes. We did 40. We say ‘we’. We mean the intern. SWEET Two parts strawberry sugar syrup: Dissolve sugar in water over heat, simmer with strawbs, cool, strain. STRONG Three parts rum: Walk to your local offy, pick out a bottle and hand over the required legal tender. WEAK Four parts rooibos tea: Brew a load of mugs of the stuff, like you do at work for your pals. Leave to cool.…

V SAUCE Number of subscribers: 8,760,760 Who is it? The super-intense Michael Stevens delivers lectures with a heavy scientific bias, which means anything from a study of the human eye to an episode called Guns In Space. If you have to watch one video… See the brain-enlarging What If Everyone Jumped At Once. You’ll find out that the Fukushima earthquake made the Earth spin faster. VLOG BROTHERS Number of subscribers: 2,555,250 Who are they? John and Hank are two nerds from the USA who make videos that stretch from the bizarre to the informative. Often at the same time. If you have to watch one video… Go for John’s history of Boko Haram. Everything you need to know in just 10 minutes. Not so many laughs in this one, mind.…

A 7/10 FACE You want him to be able to hold the rapt attention of girls, but you also don’t need him being more handsome than you. Consider each of your mates in turn: how strong is their jaw? How pretty are their eyes? Good haircut? Sack them off. Take the 7/10er who doesn’t know how funny he is. THE ABILITY TO HOLD FIVE DRINKS AT ONCE Want to miss your soon-to-be sex partner while you get lost in a bar queue for 20 minutes? You need a mate with incredibly large hands to weave through the crowds fetching drinks for you. QUIET SHOES A good wingman needs stealth skills and poise: he knows when to come to the table with some of that champagne with sparklers in it and…

“No-one ever actually saw Pelé play football. How can we know if he was actually any good?” “My aunt went to school with the guy who invented the Wonderbra. He made the first one out of umbrella parts.” “Everyone knows you can get tetanus by sleeping naked.” “Technically, Japan is not a country.” “Most rap music is recorded word by word. The producers carefully place each syllable over the beat manually.” “There has never been a good movie starting with the letter ‘B’. You cannot name one.”…

Shove your day’s supply of booze in a backpack so you can rave hands free. Opt for a printed bag to catch fellow festival goers’ eyes Bucket hats keep the sun and rain out of your eyes for the inevitably unpredictable weekend of weird weather Camo trousers mean that if you’re caught out doing something you shouldn’t, the coppers won’t ever find you… You’d be a doughnut not to pack a lightweight hooded jacket with you this festival season. Make sure it’s bright or printed If you’re misbehaving across shores for a hot-and-dry piss-up, don’t bother with a hood and just bust a bomber Floral shirts teamed with understated colours like navy and white make up a decent dancing outfit Win a chance to see Lethal Bizzle and Stormzy at…

01 INVEST Firstly, get yourself a decent pair of clippers. You won’t have to break the bank to get your hands on a quality pair. But do make sure you go for a wet-and-dry technology razor that will make caring for your jewels down below a bit easier. 02 DON’T GO CRAZY… Trim your man-hair a bit, but there’s no need to go for smooth, unless you’re a porn star. Around half a centimetre of hair will make it easy to maintain and will feel much more comfortable than itchy stubble. 03 STRETCH IT OUT When dealing with your more sensitive areas, make sure you stretch that skin tight. Skin down there is a lot thinner and looser, making it easier for a razor to catch it. Take this as…

Mitsubishi Shogun Virtually indestructible, the ’90s Shogun is every 4x4 you’ll ever need, all for under £1,000. It could tow a whale. Just don’t expect luxury. Audi Q7 Can’t do this for peanuts, but cars with more than 100,000 miles are dipping below £12k. But remember, in all conscience, it’s actually too big for UK roads. Jeep Grand Cherokee Although it drives like piloting a boat, and has a plastic take on luxury, it’s an actual 4.0-litre Jeep (with much miles) for sub-£2k . SsangYong Rexton If you care nothing for brand, nab yourself a SsangYong. A 10-year-old, tidy-looking one with high miles costs under £3k.…

01 Invent something Steve Jobs was 21 when he founded Apple, so get your skates on if you want to invent something that changes the world. Maybe sit under a tree in the hope you discover a successor to gravity. Or go online and steal someone else’s idea. Easy. 02 Be a festival idiot It’s a rite of passage to cause a ruckus at Reading or turn a caravan at Download into an all-night dubstep rave. But do it while you’re young and single: no toddler wants to see their dad dancing with a tree at 7am when Glastonbury finished days earlier. 03 Try wearing whiskers Whether it’s Guido Fawkes face-fuzz or a full-blown bushy beard, only faff with your facial hair while you’re young enough to get away with…