Tabla de contenidos para September 2025 en Viz

RECORD-BREAKING AUBERON KEALE has announced he is finally packing in cigarettes following pressure from his wife and son. The 63-year-old fag champion, who has been an 80-a-day man since his teens, has decided to stop smoking completely before his health suffers. Sparking up for the first time in his early teens to impress girls, Auberon swiftly made a local name for himself as a prodigious tab talent, and in 1977 became the town’s first 60-a-day schoolboy. But it was in 1985 that he lit up global headlines when he became the first Brit to hold the world record for most cigarettes smoked at once. Hod carrier Keale sensationally grabbed the crown 40 years ago this week on a special live edition of hit BBC show The Record Breakers, when an estimated…

Dear Miriam, I HAVE recently been getting tradesmen to come round to do plumbing, electrical work and building jobs at my house. We don’t actually need the work done, it is just so that I can look at their arses. That’s because ever since I was a teenager, I have been turned on by Dagenham Smiles. Four inches of slightly sweaty buttock crack really does it for me, and I would love it if my husband would walk around the house showing the top four inches or so of his backside. But unfortunately he refuses to do so. My husband is 33 and I am 32 and we have been married for ten years. We love each other very much and I have asked him many times to do a…

THE leader of the Tipton Board of Trade and Commerce has announced plans for a star-studded three day rock festival in the West Midlands town that is set to eclipse any other in the country. And Hugo Guthrie promises that TiptonRock will be bigger, better and even more environmentally friendly than the iconic Glastonbury Festival, held every year near the village of Pilton in Somerset. “I’m always looking for opportunities to put our town on the map,” said Councillor Guthrie. “I’ve been watching Glastonbury on the telly recently and it struck me that we could put on a festival that would be every bit as good as that – and better – right here in Tipton.” “And I’m well qualified to do that because as well as being on the…

+ A FREE LIFE OF CHRIST IN CATS TEA TOWEL! GREAT REASONS TO SUBSCRIBE! A whole year of Viz delivered to your door or device before it hits the shops and for less than the cover price per issue, packed plum-full of your favourite rude jokes and ribald cartoons. Subscribe NOW and receive a FREE Viz travel mug!* ORDER TODAY, QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZ348P shop.viz.co.uk/viz348p hello@metropolis.co.uk 020 8752 8195 *The trial offer will automatically revert to a 6-month direct debit which will auto renew. If you wish to cancel the direct debit offer, please contact us via phone or email. Offer and free gift are valid for new UK customers only, one per household and while stocks last. Please allow six weeks for delivery.…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk alcopops n. Feckless dads bemoaning their lot in the pub. Aldgate pump 1. n. An historic public tap located near the eastern edge of the City of London, which killed numerous people in the 1860s when its water became contaminated by decaying matter from nearby cemeteries and industrial runoff. 2. n. A lethal raspberry tart, leaving your taint looking like it’s become contaminated by decaying matter from nearby cemeteries and industrial runoff. Bangkok trifle n. When someone hoys up whilst administering a blumpkin. And who can blame them, quite frankly? Also known as a gap year trifle. beautiful moments but terrible quarter-hours 1. phr. A waspish description of Wagner, attributed, perhaps apocryphally, to Rossini. Don’t say we never fucking learn you anything. 2. phr. Summary of a fellow’s repeated Sunday morning ring cycle…

ARE you a man who is blessed to have children? If so, you probably assume you are their true father, and in most cases you will be correct. But not every time. With his quest to populate the planet with his progeny, there is a non-zero chance that you have actually spent the last few years raising a cuckoo child fathered by Elon Musk. But how would you know if your child was the Tesla tycoon’s spawn? Genetic testing is impossible as Musk would never consent to give a sample of his DNA, and the oddbod tech bro is highly unlikely to confess to getting your missus up the duff. But you can take this quiz which, whilst not giving you a definitive answer as to whether or not Musk…

IN TODAY’S fast-paced world, few of us can spare an hour – or more – to remain seated while we have our hair trimmed. But now, thanks to Shoulder Barbers™, you don’t have to… you can have a cut, shave or blow dry… on the go! All our Shoulder Barbers™ are highly qualified gents’ stylists, and all weigh NINE STONE or less, so you’ll barely feel a thing when they clamber up onto your shoulders and start snipping! Shoulder Barbers™ can give YOU the cutting edge during… • Work meetings • Presentations to the board • Lunch with clients • Weekend activities with the family SOLICITED TESTIMONIALS “I simply couldn’t find a spare hour in the day to get my hair done, so I booked a Shoulder Barber™ to come and sit…

AUBERON has notched up an impressive number of smoking records. Here are a few of the highlights of his half century pushing at the boundaries of baccy achievement… 1983 During halftime of the FA Cup final, 100,000 football fans watch 21-year-old Auberon smoke 100 Embassy King Size in just 7 minutes and 35 seconds. With ten of the carcinogenic sticks in his mouth at the same time, his young, powerful lungs suck each batch down to their nubs in just 45.5 seconds. 1995 Auberon smashes the record for non-stop chain-smoking, using the previous cigarette to light the next one for a staggering 9 days, 3 hours and 20 minutes. Averaging 4 minutes per ciggie, he puffs his way through 3290 Marlboro, donated by the Philip Morris Company specially for the attempt.…

FITNESS fanatics. Increase the number of steps you achieve per day by tying your shoelaces together. Stuart Anderson, Doncaster PREVENT vegetarians from stealing your car by simply smearing sausage meat on the steering wheel. Stu Mandry, Droitwich Spa NO ALARM clock? Simply move your microwave to the bedroom and set it running for the desired length of sleeping time. The gentle hum will lull you to nod off, and the sharp ping ensures you’ll wake up immediately. Adam, Manchester MOTORISTS. Cycle lanes make excellent parking spaces for if you’re only going to be ‘a few minutes’. Ant, Doncaster POSTMEN. Pretend you’re a tennis pro by-fist-pumping to nobody in particular every single time you successfully deliver a letter. Ant, Doncaster STOP a ‘Knock Knock’ joke dead in its tracks by answering…

VETERAN pop star Sir Elton John was spotted out shopping for clothes in Knightsbridge last night. And whilst that’s not remarkable in itself, more unusual was the fact that the bespectacled balladeer’s trousers seemed to be on the brink of falling down. SHOCKED shoppers were treated to the sight of the four-eyed Yellow Brick Road warbler constantly hitching up the waistband of his £15k designer loon pants. On more than one occasion on-lookers saw the back of ivory-tinkler Elton’s kecks begin to slip, revealing the top of his purple nylon underpants. Happily, in each instance the 78-year-old national treasure was able to avert catastrophe and hitch them back up in the nick of time. “I’m a regular in Knightsbridge and I’ve seen Elton out and about many times,” said one…

WHEN it comes to making a living from having your trousers fall down, two men stand head and shoulders above the rest. In a 60-year career, King of the Whitehall Farce BRIAN RIX’s trousers fell down on stage in play after play in the West End. Meanwhile, ROBIN ASKWITH made his name by having his trousers fall down on-screen in bawdy sex comedies throughout the 1970s. Both men are giants in their field, but only one of them can ascend the throne as King of the Falling Trousers. It’s time to pit both men head to head and decide once and for all who takes the crown, and who is merely the pretender. RIX BRIAN Rix’s Whitehall farce career spanned almost fifty years and over 10,000 performances on stage in plays…

AT the 1980 Reading Rock festival, The Heliotropes suffered the indignity of being canned off the stage during their performance. But if the punk four-piece thought the abusive onslaught would stop after they retreated into the wings, they were in for a surprise – because irate festival goers unimpressed by their performance are still throwing cans at band members today! The Heliotropes took to the stage at 3:15, sharing the bill with Rory Gallagher, UFO and Whitesnake, but they immediately knew that their performance was not going to be a success. “I felt animosity during the first song,” said lead singer Vile Weevil. “The crowd were booing and doing ‘wanker’ hand gestures about a minute into the set. When we struck up our second song, the first can flew onto the…

A KETTERING dad is toasting Aled Jones after he – the dad, not Aled Jones – stumbled across an authentic old oil-painting while searching for “cash in the attic” in his latest home. And Doug Coyne says he is “celebrating, hard” against a dream of selling the salvaged artwork for a hefty sum, and then retiring to live comfortably on the proceeds. The 58-year-old thickset night-watchman said watching daytime TV had laid the path to his good fortune. “I usually stick the telly on for a few hours after a shift,” he told his local paper The Kettering Scrutiniser. “No point going straight to bed, I need gallons of Aldi Red Bull to keep watchful, so by the time I knock off my brain is hurtling.” “There was a repeat…

No. 348 Across 4 Bourneville Boulevard, anally sweet street, originally (3) 6 Preachy learner’s split in cleavage that’s mind-boggling (11) 10 Sheds where lions penetrated by soldier (4-3)  11 See 28 12 Lubed part excites genie with slapper (6,6) 16 Viz character’s genital error with Rev, completely hat-stand! (5,10) 19 Happy Shopper, where hag locked in bog (6,6) 24 Box containing slag hammer and anything else that could open a gash, create a hairy axe wound etc - or Spooner’s neat boob? (4,3) 26 Cash in Asia if Ghana buggered (7)  27 See 15 Down 28/11 Encourage emcee when hosting intimate formal function, first of all, to produce sulphurous botty burp (3,7) Down 1 3 23, where elasticated Mates will offer U protection (6) 2 Something akin to a dangle-berry…

Feeling left out while everyone else rubs their eyes? Pockets full of dry tissues while your nose refuses to run? Do you run for cover when the sun comes out? Do you avoid large fields of arable crops during dry spells? Do you close all the windows between late March and September? If the answer to all of these is ‘NO’ and you want it to be ‘YES!’ then you need Hayback - the world’s first spray designed to give you ALL the symptoms of hayfever wherever and whenever you want them. Just one spray up each nostril or directly into the eyes delivers up to 2 hours’ immediate irritation and discomfort. HAYBACK - it’s like Summer in a bottle! “I had an important interview for a new job and…

DR ROB WORDS, professor of etymology at the University of Bath, explains the origins of our profanely rich language. Pardon my French YOU may hear someone say “Pardon my French” after they have sworn in an attempt to numb the impact of their bad language. But what a lot of people don’t know is words like shit, wanker and cuntbucket are not French - they’re English! The phrase was first used during the Napoleonic wars when anti-French sentiment was at its height in Britain and the French were being blamed for everything from high food prices to the deaths of British soldiers. Blaming them for our bad language was just a continuation of demonising our enemy. It is of course highly likely that the French in turn uttered the phrase…

SCAMMERS are everywhere. On the phone, online or in the street, they’re always lurking, ready to relieve you of your money using ever more sophisticated techniques. You might suppose you are too savvy to fall for one of their sneaky ploys, but the fact is that over £11billion is lost to these criminal grifters each year in the UK alone, and YOU are more gullible than you might think. So just how easy is it to get Brits to fall for a swindle and hand over their hard-earned cash? We sent undercover reporter MAHATMA MACAROON out onto the streets to attempt to con the public in a variety of disguises. And what he discovered about Gullible Britain will shock you to your very core. SCAM 1: Find the Lady IT’S…

‘‘I AM often asked why trousers fall down, and the answer is very complex. There are many forces acting on a pair of keks that aren’t falling down – the force of gravity trying to pull them towards your ankles, the frictional forces between the skin and the trousers, the kinetic forces due to the tension in your belt or braces. These vectors are all pulling and pushing in different directions with different magnitudes. But when the resultant force from all these vectors balances, the trousers are said to be in a state of equilibrium, and they stay where they are, just like a vase standing on a mantlepiece. And the trousers will remain in this position (fig. a) until one of the forces overcomes another. Should the belt loosen…

WE’VE all bent down, perhaps to get something from the cupboard under the sink, dust the skirting board, or scrub at a stain on the carpet – and in doing so, our trousers may have ridden down and revealed a bit of bottom crack. It’s no big deal. But few people know that the amount of anal cleft on show says a lot about what we are like in bed. When you bend over to put something away, you are actually revealing exactly what you are like between the sheets to those that understand the secrets of unconscious body language. Here, psychiatrist who does stuff like this on TV DR RAJ PERSAUD explains what the distance that your trousers fall below your arse says about you and your love life… <…

WASSUP, Guys! What’s going on!?! Influencer ZAZZI-ZOO, here. So, are you going to check out the vibe at a festival this year!? Yeah?!? ALRIGHT! So, you got to do it right, alright? Check out my hacks for getting the best you can from a festival. Alright! PHONES THE most important thing to do at a festival is upload lots of selfies pulling faces and doing peace signs on Insta, TikTok and Snapchat. So charging your smartphone is your numero uno prioritario. You could take some battery packs, but they’re pretty expensive and heavy, so try a bucket hat with solar panels on top, or a beanie with a propeller turbine to charge your phone – both great ideas in these eco times. If it’s not sunny or windy, you could…

HAVE YOU got a painting hanging on your wall or sitting in your loftspace? Perhaps it’s been in your family for years, or maybe you picked it up at a car boot sale for a pound. Whatever its provenance, chances are it could be a grand master worth hundreds of millions of pounds. Here, Viz art expert and Soviet spy SIR ANTHONY SHARP gives you the run down on how to tell if you are sitting on a fortune. Constable (1776-1837) IF you have a painting of a nice countryside scene with all trees and a river, it could well be a genuine Constable, long ago lost to the art world. And if there are three cows in it, two facing one way and one the other, then the odds…

If you’re looking for a lightweight decoy head to pop on your pillow facing away from your cell door while you get on with something else, we’ve got you covered! With over 500,000 reasonably-realistic-at-a-glance papier-maché heads in stock at any time, we’re sure we’ve got one which is a close-enough match for you! Head down and visit us anytime!* *Entry by appointment only. 2 for 1 Every Tuesday and get free delivery to your prison! From £50 per head THE PAPIER MACHÉ HEAD WAREHOUSE Unit 20a, Furby Industrial Estate, Knobwick (Access via tunnel under public toilet cubicle 2)…