Tabla de contenidos para May 2025 en Viz

letters@viz.co.uk toptips@viz.co.uk STAR LETTER WATCHING the Australian Grand Prix today, I noticed that when a car nudged into a plywood McDonald’s advert, its wheels folded in and the body fell apart. When I was in London in the 70s, I mounted the kerb in my Mk 3 Cortina and went through someone’s front garden wall, crushed a Raleigh Chopper and hit a dustbin, before reversing out through a chicken-wire fence and back down the kerb. I then managed to drive to Worthing. Come on McLaren and Ferrari, sort your shit out. Grant B Warner, New Zealand THECATHOLIC Church says that priests aren’t allowed to have a wank, but I bet my house that every one of them does. No exceptions – every last fucking one of them. Ted Charlesworth, Goole…

LAST month, Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky went to the Oval Office to ask for America’s support for his country’s desperate fight against the Russian invasion. But the meeting did not go well, quickly descending into a verbal brawl, with President Trump and Vice President JD Vance rounding on Zelensky before throwing him out of the White House. Many commentators believe the meeting was set up to go this way all along in order to humiliate the Ukraine leader. But was it inevitable? Could Zelensky have played it differently in order to achieve what he wanted? We went on the streets to find out what YOU think… I THINK that if Zelensky had just stood up and let rip with a massive fart whilst grimacing, the mood would have been somewhat lightened.…

5-PAGE CALIFORNIA SPECIAL NICKNAMED ‘Silicone Valley’, the San Fernando area north of Los Angeles is well known as the hub of the US pornographic movie industry, with over 90% of the country’s scud emanating from the region. And now, a West Midlands-based businessman and entrepreneur is hoping to tempt stateside film makers over to the UK to make their product. And he’s confident that ‘Tit-ton’ will soon become a byword for home-grown blue movies. “I want all the bongo producers in the US to come over and ply their trade in the West Midlands,” says Hugo Guthrie, Tipton councillor and CEO of Guthriefilms, a new startup company specialising in ‘arthouse’ movie projects. “I’m confident that it’s going to be ‘Goodbye, Silicone Valley, Calipornia… Hello Tit-ton in the Chest Midlands!” convection…

PICKET UP AND START AGAIN 5-PAGE CALIFORNIA SPECIAL AYEAR-AND-A-HALF after the Hollywood actors’ and writers’ strikes put the brakes on the Californian film business, a new wave of industrial action has shut down another major industry, as members of iconic LA street gang the Crips have gone on strike! Talks between the Long Beach Crips Gangsmen’s Guild and the Alliance of Californian Street Crime Organisations broke down last night, with Crips head honchos demanding a clearly defined pension scheme for their members, along with shorter working hours and a 4% increase in cuts of drug money to reflect inflation. Distribution of crack cocaine has already ground to a halt in many Los Angeles districts as thousands of LBCGG members, from junior drug peddlers to high-level street enforcers, conducted a mass walk-out…

BBC hit comedy drama Last of the Summer Wine first aired in 1973 and ran for 31 seasons over nearly four decades. The show, with its gentle humour, slapstick set-pieces and loveable characters, was a firm favourite with the public. But it is as much for the scenery as anything that it is remembered, set as it was amongst the green, rolling hills and dales of West Yorkshire. Or so we were led to believe. Because one of the show’s production crew has now broken his silence to reveal that although LOTSW was set in and around the picturesque village of Holmfirth, it was actually filmed in California! And Pardraig Algalbloom, who worked on every series as an assistant director, says the BBC has kept the secret from viewers for nearly…

IN order to spur growth, boost the economy, and put more money in British families’ purses, business chiefs are urging religious kingpins to slash the festival of Lent in half. Instead of the customary 40 days’ observance, they are suggesting new proposals which will see the pre-Easter festival last less than 3 weeks. Experts in The Square Mile claim that as much as ONE TRILLION POUNDS annually is GOUGED from the country’s coffers by Christians keen to evade the Lake of Eternal Fire by eschewing treats and luxuries for the Lenten period. Self-denial during Lent is traditionally undertaken by devout Bible bashers in honour of Christ’s frugal 40-day desert-break some two millennia ago. As a result, revenue from such innocent pleasures as chocolate, cigarettes, alcohol, pornographic magazines and gambling goes through…

OF all the many wonderful things about Donald Trump becoming 47th President of the United States, arguably the MOST wonderful has been the rise in stature of ELON MUSK. Working his way up from humble beginnings as the son of a multimillionaire emerald dealer, South Africa-born Musk has overcome huge obstacles, such as having no talent and being dislikeable, to become one of the President’s most trusted and powerful advisors. And while left-wing snowflakes write him off as a power-crazed wanker with the emotional maturity of a 6-year-old, one Luton sex offender has spoken out to condemn that portrayal as both OFFENSIVE and WRONG. “Elon is one of the greatest men to ever of lived,” confirms 61-year-old retired intern REGGIE CORNPOPS. “As a fearless truth-seeker and scourge of the ‘woke brigade’,…

YOU might think that the most important British wartime figure is the Prime Minister, the person at the country’s helm who is tasked with making decisions that could decide the outcome of the conflict. Perhaps you think it is the military chiefs who are most important, those giving orders to the rank and file that could make or break a battle. Or maybe you think it is the soldiers themselves, the brave souls who follow those orders unquestioningly and selflessly fight at the risk of paying the ultimate sacrifice. But on each count you would be wrong. Because the most crucially important wartime figure is undoubtedly the Forces Sweetheart. The Forces Sweetheart is the celebrated singer of the day who gallantly tours theatres of conflict to entertain our troops, boosting…

IN 1965, The Beach Boys released the single California Girls, in which they expressed their desire that they could all fall into this category. But who exactly did they mean by “they”? And what would be the global repercussions should their wish have of been achieved? We asked one of the world’s greatest thinkers – mathematician and philosopher Bertrand Russell – speaking through a medium from spirit world – to give us his thoughts on the Beach Boys’s desire… “‘I WISH they all could be California girls’. On the face of it, it seems a straightforward desire – the aspiration that all the young women of the USA could hail from the state of California. But what would this look like in reality? Imagine, if you will, the 170 million…

Dear Miriam, MY HUBBY is a motorcycle cop in Los Angeles, and I am worried because I have started to fancy his partner. I am 32 and my hubby is 33 and we have been married for 8 years. We love each other very much, but he is very strait-laced and down-to-earth with ‘boy next door’ looks. The other day he forgot to take his sandwich in a brown bag to work, so I popped downtown to the precinct to drop it off. I found him about to set off on patrol with his trouble-prone partner, Frank ‘Ponch’ Poncherello, who my hubby was supervising due to his probationary status. Ponch was a gorgeous-looking Puerto Rican with glossy, curly hair and a set of fantastic white teeth that flashed every time…

WE all have something we love doing – a harmless pastime or diversion which cheers us up, gives us feelings of happiness and fulfilment, and makes life more pleasurable by giving us a sense of wellbeing. And these are the things the Lord wants you to STOP doing for six weeks in order to appease Him. We went on the streets to see what the Great British Public have given up for Lent… “…I’M giving up watching my favourite soap, Coronation Street, for Lent, but I’m recording them on video so I can watch all 6-weeks’ worth when it’s over on Good Friday. My vicar said this wasn’t much of a sacrifice as I wasn’t actually giving up watching them, just putting it off. So I told him that Christ’s…

PROFANISAURUS ROGER’S profanisaurus@viz.co.uk ackering n. Close-quarters cumulonimbus in the style of legendary chuff-chasered clarinettist Mr Bilk playing Stranger on the Shore. ‘Do you fancy a spot of ackering tonight, dear? It is our anniversary after all.’ ‘I’ll just go and fetch my bowler hat out the loft.’ annoncement n. Press conference at which the scuffers reveal they are investigating yet another celebrity for historical sex crimes. backlace 1. n. A rear-facing choker worn by trendsetters such as Princess Di and the Olsen twins. It says here. 2. n. Glittering loops of jelly jewellery draped aesthetically across the spine of a loved one. bamm-bamm and pebbles 1. n. prop. Offsprings of animated Neanderthals the Flintstones and the Rubbles. 2. n. Diametrically opposed ends of the whole Peter O’Toole-passing shebang, either in large, thunderous splats or…

THEY were loud, they were angry, they were irreverent. For the first time, they wrote songs aimed at the kids, and they were at the forefront of the British Invasion that kickstarted US counterculture. The Beatles and The Rolling Stones were the two bands that changed the face of the music scene forever. At the height of their ‘sixties fame they were referred to as the Oasis and Blur of their day, and their influence on every pop group who came after them is impossible to calculate. But which one was actually the best? Was it the Liverpool-born BEATLES, whose skiffle-based roots gave way to psychedelic tunes that fused elements of classical music with traditional rock’n’roll? Or was it the London-born ROLLING STONES, rocking out a gritty, rhythm’n’blues sound that…

3-PAGE AUSTERITY SPECIAL MANKIND’S future has never looked so precarious. With instability in the superpower nations, theatres of conflict erupting in Eurasia and the Middle East, and a sinister new world order poised to take control, the planet is teetering on the brink of World War III. And that can mean only one thing… the return of the wonderful SPIRIT OF THE BLITZ! World wars always bring out the best in the British, and a third global conflict will once again see us rising to the occasion magnificently. Ask any pensioner when the best time to be British was, and they’ll tell you it was the Blitz. Of course, being bombed constantly by thousands of tons of Nazi explosives had its downside, but if there’s one thing we can all agree…

3-PAGE AUSTERITY SPECIAL WE are all living through an economic crisis, and the government is looking to save money by making funding cuts across the board. The Departments of Education, Welfare and Health are all having to tighten their belts in an attempt to make ends meet. But with the approach of World War III, it is cuts to the Ministry of Defence budget that are causing the greatest concern. But one town council has decided to roll-up its sleeves and start raising cash for the forthcoming war effort before it’s even begun. And as the Mayor of Fulchester rolled out the Scrimp for Victory campaign across the borough, he called on other local councils to follow his lead. “There is little this plucky island race loves more than knucklingdown…

5-PAGE CALIFORNIA SPECIAL IT’S 760 miles long and 250 miles wide. Some parts poke up 2,900 feet into the air, while other bits drop 279 feet below sea level. It covers 163,696 square miles with 7,737 of those being water. It has a population of 39,431,263 living at a density of 251.3 people per square mile, and in 2023 each household had an average yearly income of $95,500. It’s CALIFORNIA! But aside from what we can read in the stats bar on Wikipedia, how much do we actually know about the Golden State of the Union? What side of the road do they drive on? Do they have mice there? And what would happen to it if everyone in China jumped up and down at exactly the same time? Here…

5-PAGE CALIFORNIA SPECIAL “CALIFORNIA, Here I Come!” sang Al Jolson in his 1924 hit. And YOU could be singing that song too – because we’ve got an all expenses paid trip to California up for grabs in our fantastic California Word Competition. That’s right. We’re giving away a day-trip to California for one lucky Viz reader and a friend, who will both experience the delights of this wonderful and awe-inspiring place in the holiday of a lifetime. Of course, many travellers are boycotting America at present, and if you are one of them, then this competition is still for you – because we’re actually talking about the holiday village of California in Norfolk, between Caister-onsea and Scratby. Lying on the sun-kissed east coast of Great Britain, California boasts an array of…

ALTHOUGH 27 feature films have been made about James Bond since his 1962 big screen debut Dr No, Ian Fleming penned just a dozen books about the suave MI6 agent. But now, six decades after the author’s death, an unpublished thirteenth 007 novel has surfaced, leaving the literary world shaken and stirred. Lost literary works are typically discovered after being misplaced, misfiled or deliberately held back by authors. But unusually, the manuscript for this unknown Bond adventure turned up underneath a settee in the Clacton bedsit of unemployed gas fitter EUGENE LOVELADY. Speaking to local paper the The Clacton Agitator, Lovelady admitted he was shocked and thrilled in equal amounts at the discovery. “I’m a great fan of Storage Wars, that programme where people bid on repossessed storage units hoping to…