Tabla de contenidos para August 2023 en Viz

□ DO ANY of your readers know if Shania Twain has ever eaten a Scotch egg for her lunch? Kay Evans, Darlington *An interesting question, Kay. A Google search of ‘Shania Twain scotch egg’ tantalisingly offers up 770,000 results, but none of them reveals whether or not the Canadian songstress has ever eaten one for lunch. And clicking on the images displayed pictures of either Scotch eggs or Shania, but not both. Perhaps you work in a shop selling Scotch eggs and have served Ms Twain one of the sausage-meat-enveloped eggs. Or perhaps you have booked her to play a concert and she has requested Scotch eggs in her rider. Write in and let us know. □ WHEN asked where they were and what they were doing when they heard…

WHY do recipes call for ginger in centimetres? Surely the amount of ginger in a piece 3cm long is determined by how thick it is. It’s madness. Micky Bullock, Bristol Professor Cox says… You are absolutely correct, Mr Bullock, and the cookery community should standardise the ginger amount called for in recipes. At CERN, we propose that all recipes use a standardised SI unit for ginger (Gr) with 1Gr equal to a cylindrical piece of ginger 0.01m long with a radius of 0.01m. 1Gr is therefore equivalent to 1 x πr2 worth of ginger, or, in centimetres 1 x 3.142 x 12 = 3.142cm3 of ginger. If the radius of your ginger is greater or smaller than 1cm, you will need a shorter or longer piece than the recipe demands in…

IT’S making decisions on our behalf all the time. It’s in our computers, our televisions and in our smartphones. And like it or not, it’s here to stay. It’s Artificial Intelligence, or AI for short, a computer based algorithm that will perceive, synthesise and infer information so that humans do not have to. It’s a very complicated concept to understand, but one of the beauties of AI is that you don’t have to understand it – super-intelligent AI systems will understand it for you! So here, in binary, are… 0000 THE FIRST reference to Artificial Intelligence on a TV soap was in an episode of Coronation Street in 1976, when the concept of machines being able to think was still in its infancy. Curmudgeonly pensioner Albert Tatlock was discussing robots…

AFTER four top-rated seasons, hit HBO smash Succession has come to an end. And in the final episode’s gripping climax, millions of viewers worldwide watched as the Royco Media mogul Logan Roy’s sycophantic son-in-law Tom Wambsgans usurped the bloodline to become the unlikely successor to the CEO’s throne. The show was flawless in its writing, acting and directing. But what viewers didn’t realise is that cast and crew meal breaks were disrupted every day, with catering staff on set having to prepare separate meals for Matthew Macfadyen. That’s because the actor – who played Wambsgans – is allergic! The British actor is extremely sensitive and comes out in a rash on his hands, arms and chest if he eats any. Even a trace of it will cause him to become itchy and…

PROLIFIC Letterbocks correspondent CHRISTINA MARTIN has become the latest in a long line of contributors to have their request for a free book plug in Viz Comic turned down by the editor. Martin, a regular fixture of the Letterbocks pages, was hoping that her thirty-year-long association with the comic would see the editorial department give free publicity to her new book, Ashes to Admin – Tales from the Caseload of a Council Funeral Officer. But she was dealt a blow yesterday when Viz editor Hampton Doubleday dramatically refused the request. “Ashes to Admin is a delightful book, at times hilarious, at other times sad, but always entertaining,” he said. “But we do not give free publicity to anyone, whomsoever they may be.” “I have sent Ms Martin a copy of…

WHEN packing for a holiday, put a few heavy items that you won’t need, such as housebricks, in the suitcase. Then, if you find your luggage is overweight at the checkin desk, you can simply remove as many of the bricks as required to get below that magic 45kg limit. Howitt, Bedford CAN’T be bothered to vacuum, but want to make it look like you did? Simply drag the unplugged hoover over all your rugs and carpets to leave streaks for all to see. Jackie Turner, Eastbourne GET revenge on jelly fish by simply touching them with a 9v battery. John Owens, Glasgow. ENERGY companies. Don’t write simple exceptions into the code of your billing software. You never know, one of those pensioners who gets a so-obviously erroneous bill for…

LAST month’s Coronation of His Majesty King Charles III was truly magnificent spectacle which only ever happens once in a generation, unless he carks it within 30 years, in which case it’ll be twice. And many of you watching felt moved to write to us about what it meant to you. ♚ THE Coronation was truly magnificent and showed just how Britain leads the world in pomp and ceremony. It must have cost a bob or two, mind you. We’ll have to sell a shit load of fridge magnets to tourists if the money isn’t going to come out of the nurses’ wages. Stuie, Bunny ♚ THE word ‘knave’ can refer either to the central aisle of a church, or a 1970s pornographic magazine. Can you picture the brouhaha that…

SCIENTISTS at CERN’s Little Hadron Collider say they have been unable to complete their latest experiments because of constant interruptions and ‘horseplay’ behind their backs by scientists from the nearby Large Hadron Collider. And the distractions are happening to such a degree that a five-year long project into the nature of gravitation is under threat. “We have to work together,” says Professor Cyril Mead of the Little Hadron Collider, pushing his big glasses up his nose. “But the Large scientists just won’t take things seriously. They’re always walking around, distracting us, trying to get a laugh, and doing Deputy Dawg impressions,” he said. “It’s impossible to get anything finished.” little The 27km circumference Large Hadron Collider is situated right behind the Little Hadron Collider, on the Swiss-French border, and the…

Across 1 Poking bush, a todger released smelly load (4) 4 One gone, piss and howl about pissing oneself in bed when pissed (10) 9/10 Art pamphlet makes grot amazing! (6,3) 11 First of all, girl retching initially, tasting spunk (4) 12 Referring to cock, not a drop in piss (6) 14 See 19 17 Bit of wood left for fox (5) 19/14/22 Descriptive of twitching anal sphincter, as prehistorical kebabs off (4,4,1,7,5) 20 Runner in Western Asia fucked up the arse (9) 22 See 19 23 Nan’s tit fiddled with for a moment (7) 24 By the sound of it, tool with bollocks cut off (6) 28 Headers from City really are proper shit (4) 30 The other part of clitoris excited (3) 31/34 Seasonal party where Spooner’s to…

Coronation Street A DRAMATIC conclusion to the highly controversial Liz McDonald grey pubes story. There’s a showndown in the Rovers as Sally taunts Liz over her own sandy coloured bush before the catfight from hell erupts. Norris drags Sally off Liz, but it’s too late as the former machinist supervisor has already debagged Liz and the regulars realise they’ve been lied to all these years. Liz tries to explain – but is it too late? Eastenders ANGIE WATTS makes a surprise return to settle some old scores and put the record straight on her pubes. Since she left the soap, rumours have been rife in the Square that her pubic thatch was as patchy as a late summer tennis ball. But jaws drop when she strolls back into town sporting…

IN the 1969 western musical Paint Your Wagon, Clint Eastwood sang of how he talked to the trees, before bemoaning the fact that they never listened to him. In reality, these enormous, woody plants are relatively simple organisms which can neither hear nor speak, so Eastwood was unlikely to get any response when conversing with them. But what would they have said if they could speak? We went on the street and posed the question… “If YOU were a tree that could talk, what would you have said to Clint Eastwood?” “I’M a massive fan of Clint Eastwood, so if I was a talking tree, I’d ask him for his autograph. Obviously, being a tree I wouldn’t have a pen or paper with me, but I imagine Clint probably carries…

MANY people fear the inevitable rise of Artificial Intelligence, and are apprehensive about a future when all the decisions we usually take are taken in our stead by banks of emotionless, electronic automatons. But the Lord Mayor of one Lancashire seaside resort thinks such a nightmare science fiction scenario is far from inevitable, and that a little preparation will see his town repel any invasion by self-aware machines. “If these robots think they can march into the jewel of the Lancashire coast and start running the show, they’ve got another think coming,” said Alderman Eric Tonks, who for the past two decades has been the Mayor of the resort, famous for its Golden Mile and bonsai Eiffel Tower. “This is Blackpool, not Bl-ai-ckpool,” he said tortuously. “We human beings of…

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SURGEONS are often put on a pedestal simply for performing life saving operations. But few people actually realise how easy these procedures are to perform. And the heart transplant is possibly the easiest of all. Viz science correspondent PROFESSOR STANLEY JORDAN takes us step by step through this piece of piss procedure. “A heart transplant is not a difficult thing to do. In fact, it’s a little like changing a plug – as long as you connect the wires correctly, then the electricity will flow. It’s slightly trickier, in that it is pipes with blood in rather than wires with leccy, and there are four pipes as opposed to three wires. But’s here’s how it’s done.” 1. Open up the chest THE HEART is towards the centre of the body…