Tabla de contenidos para October 2022 en Viz

Dear Arthur, I’VE BEEN married for 40 years, and whenever I take a photo of my wife, she always does this stupid, self conscious smile. It’s a completely unconscious reaction to the camera and she doesn’t even know she is doing it. I have tried shouting at her to stop it, but that just seems to cause her to do it all the more. I love her very much, but in every picture I have of her she is pulling this ridiculous ‘Cherie Blair’ gurn. She is even doing it on our wedding photos. I would love just one picture where she is looking normal and wondered if you had any advice. Albert Unicycle, Penge Arthur says… After 40 years, I doubt your wife will be able to stop herself from…

A letter from Viz editor, Hampton Doubleday “For the past few years, I have been receiving an increasing number of letters of complaint from readers on the same subject. And surprisingly, it is not accusations that the comic is not as funny as it used to be, nor complaints about the number of advertisements within its pages. It is not even the constant ‘bitching’ as the youth say, about the cover price of the magazine. No. The most common complaint I receive these days concerns the size of the print used in Viz Comic, the main thrust being that it is too small, rendering the jokes difficult to read. After checking with the printers, I have had it confirmed that, unlike the price, the print size has remained the same…

THIRTY-TWO years after his on-field accident at the 1990 World Cup, former England captain turned TV pundit Gary Lineker has soiled himself live on TV for a second time whilst recording an episode of Match of the Day! A VIZ SOILED KEKSCLUSIVE! The football legend famously defaecated in his shorts after going in for a tackle during a televised game against Ireland. The TV cameras caught the striker dragging his buttocks along the grass in an attempt to wipe them clean of the offending matter. But as if one embarrassing incident like this were not bad enough, the unlucky former England front man has done the same thing again, this time on the Beeb’s flagship Saturday night football show. fouling Lineker was discussing the Everton and Nottingham Forest clash with…

IT IS NOT only Brian May who risks going up like a rocket. The recent bout of unseasonably dry weather has led to many of Britain’s celebrities becoming tinder dry, and the risk of a celebrity fire is now more real than it’s ever been. The Fire Service has asked people to exercise particular caution around stars to avoid fires. But what could the household names do to prevent themselves going up in smoke? We asked the – presumably, late – firefighter RED ADAIR to assess the danger to four VIPs, and suggest what precautions they could take to stop themselves going up in smoke. Daniel Craig BOND ACTOR “This spell of dry weather presents a particular danger fo those celebrities with smouldering good looks, and 007 actor Craig falls…

IN THE children’s film BMX Bandits (1983), NICOLE KIDMAN’s character does a series of BMX ‘free-style’ stunts on a ramp to impress her friends. However, when she goes up the ramp her watch shows the time as 2.58pm, yet on the way down it shows 2.59pm, suggesting that she would have been airborne for a full minute! IN ALAN PARKER’s film Bugsy Malone, set in depression-era New York, the child actors ride around in pedal-powered bicycle ‘cars’. These were actually pointless, since the film was actually shot in the mid 1970s, by which point the characters would have been old enough to drive actual cars. IN A famous scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) PAUL NEWMAN and KATHARINE ROSS ride around on a bicycle to BURT BACHARACH…

PHOTOGRAPHY has been a popular hobby since humans first scratched photos onto the walls of their caves with sticks. And while it used to be the pursuit of the wealthy, cameras are now cheap enough that everyone can join in. And even if you don’t think you have a camera, you probably have… because chances are there’s one in your phone! But whilst everyone can join in, there is more to taking a good photograph than pointing your camera at an attractive or interesting scene and allowing light to pass through a small hole and be captured on a piece of film or an electronic sensor. Much more. If you want your snaps to stand out from the crowd, follow these simple but effective tips to give your photos the…

abbatar 1. n. Hi-tech performing hologram as used in ABBA’s twenty-first century “live” performances. 2. n. Any virtual reality means used to simulate the amorous company of Anna-Frid or Agnetha (or Bjorn and Benny for that matter) in their pomp; most likely a shop mannequin in a red or blonde wig, and a swimming armband. arseshot n. If someone hears another person’s dropped gut, then they are in arseshot. arsewidth n. Scientifically measurable degree to which one can be arsed. ‘I know something’s got to be done about the current mispricing of liquidity in the corporate loan market, prime minister. But I’m doing me Wordle at the moment, so I simply don’t have the arsewidth to deal with it.’ Athanasian n. A woman of easy virtue. From the start of The Athanasian Creed (which…

THERE WAS dancing in the streets of Barnton last night as locals learned that the town’s floundering football club is being bought by a consortium-led by the wealthy rulers of a foreign country. Rumours of a buy-out of non-league Barnton Academicals FC by the Krastikovs, ruling family of Russian satellite state Krastikova, have been circulating for a while. But at 10pm last night, fans finally heard the news they had been waiting for as the fabulously wealthy family signed a deal to buy the ailing club. And not only has the secretive, autocratic state bought the club and its Tuphill Recreation Park ground, it has also snapped up much of the surrounding land, including all the real estate in and around Barnton itself. But while Amnesty International raised the alarm…

Q: What’s a cyclist’s favourite Fleetwood Mac song? A: The Chain (like a bicycle chain) F Boyle, Glasgow Q: Why couldn’t the cyclist move her bike? A: Because she was having a brake-down! (Holding the brakes down prevents the bicycle from moving) D Stanhope, USA Q: Why did the cyclist sit on the girl’s sad doll? A: Because he thought it was a saddle! (saddle - the special seat you sit on on a bike - sounds like sad doll). J Carr, London Q: What did the cycling soldier wear instead of medals? A: Pedals! (Rhymes with medals - what a soldier would wear) S Silverman, USA Q: Why do male cyclists have to be careful when cycling? A: In case they fall off and land on their bell-end! (Like a bell…

USING YOUR skill and judgement and the three clues below, can you identify which Doctor Whos are going out for a ride through time and space on the Trardris - the Doctor’s famous three-seated trandem? Clues: A: It whit-take-’er quite a while to cycle around the Universe by herself, but thankfully this Doctor Who has two friends helping her out! B: Good day!-Vid you like to ride to Mars and back with this Doctor Who? Lis-’ten ant’ look out for our clues, or he could be tricky to identify! C: This Doctor Who might suggest visiting his Aunt Sally, pert-wee’d be surprised if you guessed who was J-on the final saddle without a little help from us! ANSWERS: The three Doctor Whos are A: JODIE WHITTAKER B: DAVID TENNANT and C: JON PERTWEE.…

EXCLUSIVE! A NORTH EAST-based photographer’s plan to release a coffee table book of his work has been put on hold after he was arrested and charged with indecent exposure whilst working on his project. Wallis Cornstalk has spent the last 45 years behind the lens, photographing the countryside in and around his native Northumberland, and his work has appeared on several greetings cards which he has sent to family members. But this summer, he sidelined his love for landscapes when he came up with a plan to produce a raunchy collection of photographs on the theme of ‘Sexuality’. “I was inspired by that book Sex that Madonna brought out,” said Cornstalk. “I’d bought a copy from a car boot at Newbiggin, and I thought it was very thought provoking.” “Of…

EXCLUSIVE! THE ENTERTAINMENT world was dealt a massive blow this week when, at their annual meeting, the GRFC – the Guild of Rubber-Faced Comedians – announced that a global shortage of the popular elastic material has led to a dramatic fall in membership. Home-grown rubber-faced comedians such as Rowan Atkinson, Lee Evans and Phil Cool – once a common sight on the nation’s television sets – are now in such short supply that industry insiders fear that the sight of flexibly-featured comics on our screens could become a thing of the past by 2030. “Like many others, we’ve been hit hard by global warming,” GRFC chairman Kenneth Murk told reporters yesterday. “Droughts and flooding in southeast Asia have created tricky conditions for growers of this versatile, strong natural resource, used…

…TRAFFIC LIGHTS are paid for and maintained by the vehicle tax paid by drivers. I’m a cyclist and I don’t own a car and so, since I’m not paying for the traffic lights, why on earth should I have to obey them? I say let the car owners pay for their own lights. Tobamoray Winks, vegan …AS LONG as there’s nothing coming the other way, I can’t see any harm in cyclists jumping red lights. It all helps keep traffic moving. Charles Rhomboid, accountant …YES, THEY ruddy well should have to stop at red lights like everybody else. And if they jump them, they should have their tyres popped by the police and be put on the sex offenders’ register. Ada Vitriol, pensioner …A LOT of these cyclists simply mount…

Dear Heinz, I KNOW what the wheels are for on a bike, and understand what the brakes do but I’ve often wondered what the large metal tubular structure between the wheels and under the saddle is for? Every bike seems to have one but I simply can’t work out what its purpose is. Is it possible to remove this at all? It just gets in the way when I try and climb on. Mrs J. Whitepube, Herts *Unfortunately not! What you’re describing is the bicycle’s frame and, although seemingly useless, this is what holds all the component parts of your bicycle together. You can remove it if you wish using special tools, but just make sure that you replace it every time that you want to use your bicycle or…