Indice dei contenuti per June/July 2023 in Viz

□ THERE seems to be a lot of criticism lately aimed at Elon Musk for being a twat, most of it quite justified. But let’s not forget that his Falcon 9 rockets that actually land back on earth are right out of fucking Thunderbirds. Admittedly, he’s a complete bellend in every other sphere of endeavour, but credit where it’s due, his rockets are absolutely shit hot. Tobamory Belch, Luton □ I OFTEN wonder what people who have a beard of bees do when they want a cup of tea. Do they simply brush a few bees away from their lips in order to take a sip, do they lure them away by putting a bit of honey on their chin, or do they use a straw? Hector Bystander, Goole □…

IN ISSUE 265, the Viz jury deliberated on the case of the Crown v Rees-Mogg, in which the MP for Somerset North was accused of removing a 25p reduced price sticker from a pack of four jam doughnuts in the Marks and Spencer food hall, and knowingly placing it over the barcode of a bottle of Krug Champagne with intent to defraud the shop. By a majority verdict of 48 to 52, the Viz jury finds the defendant NOT GUILTY of the charge. Mr Rees-Mogg is free to leave the pages of Viz Comic without a stain on his character.…

THE MODERN history of Russia is book-ended by a pair of Putins who are world-renowned as ‘mad, bad and dangerous to know’. Since 1999, ex-KGB goon VLADIMIR PUTIN has ruled this vast superpower with a rod of iron as its first post-Soviet non-alcoholic leader; whilst back in the early days of the 20th century, the iron rod (i.e., erect penis) of his near-namesake RA‑RA‑RAS PUTIN was one of the key stirrers of a pot of unrest which eventually boiled over to scald Tsar Nicholas II in the form of the Russian revolution. So, ‘put in’ plain terms, there is no disputin’ that in the Putin stakes it’s President Vlad and ‘Mad Monk’ Ra-Ra-Ras who head the field. But in this tumultuous Putin head-to-head, which head wears the crown? As everyone excitedly…

EVERYONE loves to swim in the sea, except for those who don’t. And with thousands plumping for a staycation this year, it is Great Britain’s coastal waters that will see many of us take the plunge. With every inch of sea around the country now boiling with effluent, foulage and bodily waste paraphernalia, the days of pristine Blue Flag beaches are long gone. But we Brits are a plucky lot, and it takes more than a flotilla of copper bolts, soiled jamrags or jizz-filled blobs to put us off our dip in the briny. We asked some household names how they make the best of things when swimming in sewage. BRIAN COX, Physicist “I GET A 3 METRE length of that foam insulation they use to lag copper pipes and bend…

FROM Land’s End to John O’Groats, we’ve all come to terms with the fact that we will be spending our summer holidays this year swimming in raw sewage. But for one lucky Viz reader, it won’t just be ANY raw sewage… It’ll be raw sewage produced by some of the UK’s BIGGEST STARS! That’s right! For our fabulous ‘Famous Faeces’ competition, we’ve secured access to the drainage pipes of many of the country’s top A-Listers. And this August we’ll be diverting the lot to a secluded area of Mablethorpe Beach, and offering one reader and their family an ALL-EXPENSES PAID trip to this private, star-stool-studded bay! On entering the sea, you and your loved ones will find yourselves rubbing shoulders with torrents of top-tier shitterati straight from the anii of such…

For anyone with a sense of adventure, an enquiring mind and a love of the weird and wonderful… Every month, FORTEAN TIMES takes you on an incredible journey into the unknown where you’ll encounter some of the most fantastic phenomena on Earth… and sometimes beyond! SUBSCRIBE TODAY AND GET 3 MONTHS FOR £3 GREAT REASONS TO SUBSCRIBE • 13 Issues delivered to your door (postage included)*• 13 Issues available on mobile/tablet to keep on your device**• Save on the cover price• Every issue delivered before it’s available to buy in shops ORDER ONLINE AT SHOP.FORTEANTIMES.COM/FTPXVIZ EMAIL US AT HELLO@METROPOLIS.CO.UK OR CALL 020 8752 8195 QUOTING FTPXVIZ The trial offer will automatically revert to a 6-month direct debit which will auto renew. If you wish to cancel the direct debit offer,…

MY SON and daughter-in-law came over with their son for a visit last Sunday. Whilst they were round, I was telling them that I had bought a new soap dish for the bathroom. “Eurgh!” cried my 7-year-old grandson. “Surely you don’t eat soap, do you grandma?” Everyone fell about laughing. But not me. Since he was 5, I’ve been giving them 15 grand a fucking year to send him to private school, and that’s the kind of arsehole stupidity it has bought.…

DURING a key scene in the 2014 feel-good comedy drama, Chef, JON FAVREAU’s character, chef Carl Casper, arranges a delicious-looking roasted quail with pickled cabbage and a red wine jus in a white, wide-rimmed dish. What most viewers don’t realise, however, is that the dish wasn’t actually there and was added in-post-production with expensive CGI! Favreau admitted to Variety magazine that he’s mortally terrified of dishes and had to arrange the food directly onto a green-screened spot on the counter top during takes! You what?! IN STEPHEN SPIELBERG’s 1982 sci-fi blockbuster E.T. the Extra Terrestrial, Elliot, played by HENRY THOMAS, unscrews the lids of his and his schoolmates’ jars to free their frogs from the threat of dissection. However, if you look carefully at the cotton wool balls being dropped…

Q: When does a lid sound like an open door? A: When it’s attached to a jar (a jar is often found screwed to the bottom of a lid and sounds like ajar - the word for an open door.) J Brand, Kent Q: Why did the cookery school teacher stop teaching the bowl-mad students? A: Because she thought that they were dish-interested (‘dish interested’, or being interested in dishes, sounds reasonably similar to the word disinterested, meaning ‘not interested’.) J Carr, London Q: Who was it singing The Snowman Song in the kitchen cupboard? A: A-lid Jones (like Aled Jones - the singer of The Snowman Song.) F Boyle, Glasgow Q: When is a dish part of an artist’s salad? A: When it’s a RA-dish (RA is short for…

CONVINCE regulars in your local that you are a candidate in a general election by getting your wife to film you gingerly sipping a pint, whilst you are wearing a massive rosette. Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresford PEOPLE who live in glass houses. Use 9mm MDF or plywood to board up your walls so that stones simply bounce off, and passers-by can’t see you on your toilet wiping your arse. Trev, Sheffield. CONSTIPATED? Simply order something from a firm who can’t give you an exact delivery time. On delivery day, the urge to shit will build up, and you will pass your first stool just as the doorbell rings. Percy Pinchloaf, Yorkshire SAVE on electricity bills by boiling pasta for slightly less than the recommended time. Al Dente, Italy FOOL your prostate examination…

The Duke of Ellington Awards Scheme is all about giving our young people the opportunity to do something new and perform their best, no matter what their age, background or ability. So if you want to belt out some boogie-woogie on the piano whilst orienteering, or play some more relaxed jazz standards whilst organising a fundraising event for your local community, the Duke of Ellington Awards Scheme could be just the thing for you. “My son was extremely introverted, but he made so many friends after attending a DoE weekend course in the Yorkshire dales where they planted a woodland whilst singing improvised scat. He has grown in confidence and later this year will be doing some modern jazz rock climbing in the Peak District.”Mr J, Durham “My daughter earned…

Across 1 Fuck up arse - fuck! (6)5 Chaotic scene where pirate fiddled with on bow of boat (4,3)9 Dates getting Satan quite excited (10)10 Money Dick returned (4)11 Shiny, hardening spunk in navel his arm shifted (4,7)14 Arse pastries for tits (7)15 Boob in fear when helmet scratched (5)16 Inclination of Viz conspiracy theorist some recall, on Kennedy being knocked about (5)18 Gun-toting, car alternator throwing, wanky pop star, determined (7)21 See 5 Down 24 Desert island shitter when viewed from the East (4)25/3 Smile from smug wanker like Piers Morgan in soiled Nigerian tights (4-6,4)26 In those, people are desperate for a nosh, if men as perverted (7)27 Wee wee covering nork (6) Down 2 Bone entering beautiful nanna (4)3 See 25 Across 4 Dirty old man gobbling…

□ I WILL always remember the solemn expression worn by Huw Edwards as normal television broadcasting was interrupted for him to break the news that Her Majesty had passed on; the nation was stunned. But does anyone know whether the reds or the blues won that episode of Bargain Hunt, and how much did the silver cigarette box fetch in the auction? Irene Fisticuffs, Guildford □ I RECORDED Inside the Factory as I wanted to see how crumpets were made, but only stuck it for five minutes because I couldn’t bear to watch Gregg Wallace’s overenthusiastic gurning. Can anyone tell me how crumpets are made? Eldon Furse, email…

WE’RE all scared of monsters, every single one of us, and anyone who says they are not is a complete and absolute fucking lying bastard. And that goes for the self-styled ‘Monsters of Rock’, those titans of the heavy music scene. On stage, they boldly thrash out their heavy metal and fearlessly thump out their beats like they are frightened of nothing in the world. But backstage, when the roadies have packed up and the fans have gone home, they’re just as terrified as the rest of us. We asked some of the Monsters of Rock which monsters (not of rock) they were particularly scared of… Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath frontman “I ONCE bit the head off a bat on stage, which you may think was an unusual thing to…

ALANCASHIRE man is taking on his local water company in a landmark legal case which, if ruled in his favour, could open the floodgates and see hundreds of similar cases brought before the courts. EXCLUSIVE Brian Duckpool is claiming that Lancastrian Utilities, who provide water and sewage services across the county, have consistently failed in their duty to provide clean drinking water for locals. And the 53-year-old is now claiming damages of £25,000 to cover loss of earnings after his health suffered as a result of drinking contaminated water. Professional gambler Duckpool, 68, was unable to work after suffering a broken arm, a direct result of bacteria in the tap water supplied to his home in Diggle, just outside Oldham. “You read about all these germs in the water making…

SAVE 11% ON COVER PRICE RECEIVE YOUR FIRST 3 MONTHS FOR £3 If you find you simply can’t live without your fix of adult humour, your subscription means you pay as little as £2.83 per issue, instead of £3.95 in the shops. You’ll also receive a FREE Viz mug! ORDER ONLINE TODAY AT shop.viz.co.uk/viz326p OR CALL 020 8752 8195 OR EMAIL hello@metropolis.co.uk QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZ326P The offer will automatically revert to a 6-month direct debit which will auto renew. If you wish to cancel the direct debit offer, please contact us via phone or email. Offer and free gifts are valid to new UK customers only, one per household and while stocks last. Please allow 6 weeks for delivery.…

The first correct entry drawn gets a cheque for £50 and one of these elegant Viz aluminium drinking vessels. The next five correct entries get a flask and a CHEAP VIZ PEN! Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 326, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email a photo of it to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject The first correct entry out of the hat on THURSDAY 8TH JUNE will win a VIZ COMIC ALUMINIUM DRINKING FLASK, a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. The next 5 entries win the water bottle and pen, but not the money. If you want a pen for nothing, send us a large letter stamp and it’s yours. LAST ISSUE’S WINNERS Winner: Ciaran Cunningham, Antrim Runners up: Dr Jack…

WOTCHA! The late SID VICIOUS off of the Sex Pistols here. If there are two things I love more than trashing record company offices and having my bass parts on Never Mind the Bollocks overdubbed by Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones, it’s kitchen storage container tops and shallow, flat-bottomed food receptacles. It may sound screw-y (like a metal lid might screw onto a glass jar) but me and my punk pals just can’t get enough of them. And looking at the sacks of letters we receive every month from lid-and dishloving Viz readers, it sounds like you lot can’t either! So C’mon Everybody, rather than focus on Something Else, come over My Way and let’s lift the lid and dish the dirt on the wonderful and exciting world of lids…

Dear Professor Plugge, WHEN WE were younger, my sister and I got a sterilised jar, took turns farting into it, and then screwed the lid on tightly. The jar was then carefully placed in a keepsakes box in the loft and forgotten about until 30 years later when we found it whilst clearing out the loft. I remember that the lid had a rubber seal and I wondered if they farts will still be inside the jar after all this time or whether they will be long gone? I would love to open it when we are all next together at Christmas, but don’t want to get our hopes up. Gemma Webber, Bolton Professor Plugge replies: Fart gases release a lot of energy when burned due to the enormous strength…