Indice dei contenuti per March 2016 in Esquire

GROWING UP IN ENGLAND, I sometimes heardof relatives who had emigrated: a last and irreversiblethrow of the dice that was simultaneously anexpression of optimism and an act of desperation.So when my wife and I moved to Los Angeles acouple of years ago, that’s how it was perceivedby my family: Geoff and Rebecca were emigrating.Among friends, the reaction was more reasoned—but equally surprised. Whereas I’d always lovednorthern California, I’d never had a good time inL.A., had always found it an impossible place tovisit. More accurately, I’d not been able to find it atall and always returned home feeling that I’d nothad the experience that lay in wait. (Of course, Iknow now, that is the L.A. experience.) But thiswas where our destiny was manifestly taking us.It seemed appropriate in a way, since…

Date of birth:February 4, 1983 Which makes him:33 Hometown: Chicago Namesake:Hannibal Barca, theCarthaginian militarycommander whospent his life tryingand failing toconquer Rome. Which is the reasonhe: Always usesa different name atStarbucks. And also: Beganintroducing himselfas David aftermoving to a newneighborhood at theage of seven. First time doingstand-up: As a sophomoreat SouthernIllinois University, inthe student-centerbasement. Where he: Studiedcommunicationsbefore dropping out. Number of comedyalbums: Three: MyName Is Hannibal,Animal Furnace, andLive from Chicago. Current comedygigs: Cohost of TheEric Andre Show; therole of Lincoln, thelovelorn dentist, onBroad City; a numberof upcomingfilm projects, includingThe Angry BirdsMovie and TheSecret Life of Pets. Past comedy gigs:Writer on SaturdayNight Live; writeron 30 Rock; host ofWhy? with HannibalBuress. Past noncomedygigs: Pita Pit sandwichmaker; doorto-door newspapersalesman; BurgerKing employee. Reason for quittingthat last one: Hewanted to party onNew Year’s Eve butcouldn’t get…

Ellie Kemper Roles, by Guilelessness 1. We aren’t actually ever cold. We just feel more delicate when we say that. 2. We don’t want to hear that we look tired. Other words that you might use instead are pure, virginal, unpolluted, honest. 3. We know you’re trying to be sweet, but our farts don’t smell “adorable.” 4. When we worry about our biological clocks, it is not helpful to point out that at least we look five years younger than we are. 5. We don’t actually mind that much when you point out that we look five years younger than we are. 6. In fact, I have been told that I look up to eight years younger than I am–I guess I just look really young and vibrant, guys! 7.…

IN THE TRADITIONAL hierarchy of spirits, even the best whiskey was always “substitute standard,” as the Army used to deem things that weren’t what you really wanted but would work if you had to make them work. The spirit you really wanted, presumably, was brandy— French brandy, to be precise, and cognac, to be preciser. Cognac was the king of money-is-no-object, sitting-andcontemplating-the-meaning-of-life spirits. With a brief interruption in the late 1800s, when phylloxera lice ate up all the French vineyards, it held that position from the early 18th century almost to the end of the 20th century. Then, in a fit of middleaged crazy, cognac more or less abdicated the throne to go chasing after luxurygoods markets in Asia and wherever else nightclub is spoken. Prices went up, ages went…

THERE IS one place in every home reserved solely for one person to use at a time. It is the toilet. It should, therefore, be carefully considered— especially since it’s easy to install, and especially at this moment, as a revolution against the classic American toilet grows among us. Most defectors swear by a Japanese brand: Toto, known for turning good Americans into bidet users. There’s its water efficiency; its near-mythical gloss, which claims to repel even “invisible waste” lingering on its oft-heated seats; and its optional midmovement odor-fighting air circulation. (A recent New York Times article told of one zealot who claimed to have waited out a ninehour flight to use his Toto instead of an airport toilet.) The recommended version is the Carlyle II 1G ($974; totousa.com) with…

SMALL SUCCULENTS They more or less thrive on neglect. They take little water, tolerate low humidity, and often bloom indoors. Pick only one type or many and pack them tightly together in one large vessel on a table or in the bathroom. MOTHER-IN-LAW’S TONGUE Also known as a snake plant, depending on your company. Without much water, it can grow bigger for years, but you’ll want to refit it over time. Scatter a family of them around a room. RUBBER TREE Can exist in shade but needs regular watering in the growing season (yellow leaves can actually be a sign of overwatering). But in the winter, it can go weeks without a drop. WHERE YOU CAN FIND THOSE RESPONSIBLE. (LISTINGS FOR OUR CONSULTANTS NOT YET MENTIONED.) Chicago: Julia Buckingham, Buckingham…

WHEN A MAN WEARS athletic-inspired clothingÑ alma-mater sweats, mesh shorts with more room than any leg could ever needÑmost of the time he comes off as, well, the opposite. (In this respect, not even a disciplined daybreak runner looks athletic.) Here, we offer another way to be sportswear-comfortable while doing things that are not exactly strenuous. THIS BLAZER LIFTS Imagine all this but without the sport coat. Sure, everything still has a close fit and interplays well (as it all should), but it’s like a rec-league team without that one guy who played a bit in college before “the injury.” The blazer elevates the rest without going too far beyond them—it’s an upgrade of a windbreaker. Also, it doesn’t constrict. Why? Because it’s made of a flexible knit that makes…

Joint-related injuries, like ligament and cartilage tears, not only hurt like a motherfker but also can do lasting damage to your freedom of movement. Here are a few ways to avoid them: Never go from zero to 60 when doing any kind of physical activity— especially if you’re not used to it. Instead, ease into your movements, working carefully through any tension or resistance. If either persists, do not power through it, unless you want to spend a fortune in physical-therapy copays. Talk to a doctor (or, if you work with one, a trainer) about stretches or prep movements to work out the kinks. Quit ballin’. Or at least consider cutting back on basketball and other high-impact sports, particularly if you’ve got a family history of arthritis. Swimming, stationary bike,…

Like you, I’ve never been to the town of Bournemouth— couldn’t find it on a map. But on weekend mornings, I’ve been trying not to startle the dog as I shout profane encouragement to the scrappy local soccer team from this small seaside city in England. At their tiny home ground—smaller than a good-sized high school football stadium in Texas—AFC Bournemouth has been hosting legends of the English game like Arsenal and Man United. Last season, after more than 100 years laboring in the lower divisions, Bournemouth somehow fought its way into the top flight, the Premier League. It’s as if the Toledo Mud Hens won the right to play the Red Sox and the Royals every week. And what kind of asshole doesn’t pull for the Mud Hens? Schedule…

1. Thursday afternoon. Trevor Noah is worried about the ooh. He’s standing in a cramped, windowless room deep in the Daily Show studios in Hell’s Kitchen, New York. It’s about an hour before filming, and he and a handful of writers and producers are combing through the evening’s script, which is projected onto the wall. Noah is already in his suit. He’s restive, shifting his weight from foot to foot, hands in his pockets, thinking. The others are sitting. He is standing. “I might make that joke,” he says. “It’s hard.” “Is it? I think everyone’s on your side,” says executive producer Steve Bodow, a longtime Daily Show veteran. Noah—who took over the show from Jon Stewart less than three months earlier—inhales through his teeth. “Ahhhhh,” he says. “That ooh.…

I got schooled in bullshit young, in Los Angeles, the capital of bullshit. My parents split up there and Mother Lucille hustled us—three sons— back to her parents’ house in Cleveland, leaving Father Sandy, along with Family Dog Socko. ¶ That hurt. Leaving Socko—adding injury to injury: I loved that dog—made no sense. I was ten years old and I understood divorce, but I had no clue why we had to lose the dog. ¶ Here’s how Lucille explained it, word for word: The change in the weather would kill him. Sandy was moving into a one-bedroom apartment and would find Socko a nice home. ¶ I didn’t argue. It would have done no good to remind her that Socko had come with us from Cleveland to L.A. two years…

> There are always people who think they have a hilarious height joke you haven’t heard before. > I’ve enjoyed being tall [seven feet two]. I’m able to notice things before other people. That is one advantage. When I was young and living in New York, I’d be standing on the subway platform and people would want to know “What train is coming? Is that the D train?” I could see over all the people on the platform. > I started shooting the hook shot when I was in the fifth grade. My grade school coach, Farrell Hopkins, had some guys come and show me post and pivot moves, and they showed me the George Mikan drill. Mikan used the hook shot. > Bruce Lee said he was not concerned…

It’s so good to have Colbyback in the magazine. Wefirst wrote about ColbyBuzzell in our December2004 issue, after MarkWarren had seen the “Weblog” Colby was writingfrom Iraq, where he hadbeen deployed by theUnited States Army. It wasso good—and so divergentfrom most accounts of thatwar—that the Army shut itdown. So Mark asked himto write for Esquire. Colby had not trod your usual pathtoward becoming a published writer: askateboarder from northern Californiawho’d finished high school and basicallyhad nothing to do. Joined the Army.Which is what we asked him to writeabout—specifically “The Making of theTwenty-First-Century Soldier (Part 1),”which ran in the March 2005 issue of thismagazine. I fell head over heels in love with Colbywhen I read this paragraph from the secondsection of his first story: I had a job interview in the…

It’s smaller than you imagined. Themain stage where Tina Fey and AmyPoehler deliver their monologue, sixor so sets, the platform where Bruceplays “Meet Me in the City,” all shroudedby 330 people who were led hereby a pert page up the stairs, past wallscovered with mute LED specters ofsketches past. Watching SaturdayNight Live live is at once more and lessfun than watching at home, the giddinessof seeing Lorne Michaels dourlypacing Studio 8H tempered by thecommercial-break professionalism ofperformers you suddenly realize areat their job. You witness an ancient institutionthat will be entirely rebuiltnext Saturday. E-mail contact info tosnltickets@nbcuni.com in August fortickets.…

RocknRolla: Publictransit announcement. Locke: Time-weathered barge captain. Inception: Cockney cheesemonger coming out of anesthesia. Bronson: Small-town shell-game operator eating charcuterie. Legend: Nick Nolte. Mad Max: Fury Road: Nick Nolte with a sock in his mouth. The Revenant: “Lemme tell you—we’ll have another round of Old Crow, thanks, sweetheart— no, listen, I gotta say something. . . .” The Dark Knight Rises: Nick Nolte with underwear in his mouth.…

1. Dream large. Live larger. 2. Wherever you go, love is right there with you. 3. Life is sweet. Savor every moment. 4. We always knew this day would come. 5. Smile big. Smile wide. 6. Sometimes people don’t stop to say what’s in their hearts. 7. Some people change your life forever. 8. Good things come to those who wait. 9. Everything beautiful starts with love. 10. Dream big. 11. Every dream begins with a single step. 12. Do whatever makes you happy. 13. Believe in hope. 1. Entourage • 2. Greeting card • 3. Greeting card • 4. San Andreas • 5. Greeting card • 6. Greeting card • 7. Carol • 8. Greeting card • 9. Greeting card 10. The Peanuts Movie • 11. The Walk •…

More Straight Talk from Loretta Lynn From her 2002 What I’ve Learned interview with Esquire: “They still got a dirt road up to the town where I grew up—Butcher Holler, Kentucky. They wanted me to put a paved highway up through there, and I said, ‘I walked through mud up to my knees getting out, and you can do the same thing.’ ” LORETTA LYNN IS A SAINT of American popular culture. Her latest miracle is that at the age of 83, she is beginning again. Twelve years after the straight-up classic Van Lear Rose, her collaboration with Jack White, she will release Full Circle, the first album in a multialbum deal, and continue her relentless touring following its release. She is planning, it appears, to die with her boots…

AFTER THE SOOTHING banality of early-’90s procedurals, which could be watched only when they were broadcast, Lost trained us to expect shock while technology cruelly enabled us to experience television at our leisure and share its twists in real time. This conflict created the spoiler-avoidant insufferable: Watch Breaking Bad whenever you want, but don’t stick your fingers in your ears if I bring up what happened to Jesse’s junkie girlfriend. Surprise is more fun en masse—that’s why there’s no reason to DVR the Super Bowl or Peter Pan Live!—and there are obviously shows worth the hassle of being viewed in their original time slot, like Games of Thrones and USA’s fantastic hacker thriller Mr. Robot. But there are more than 400 scripted series. Assuming you enjoy full-time employment, that is…

LEATHER Since leather is a hide, it can get stained and dry out. But saddle soap—yes, the kind used for leather saddles— takes out any stains. Dampen a soft towel; rub it on the soap in a circular motion to collect suds; work them in; wipe them off with a clean, damp rag; buff dry. And leather conditioner revives a dry leather couch and prevents cracking; check the conditioner’s instructions for guidelines. UPHOLSTERY Beneath the underside of the seat, there should be a cleaning legend created by couch manufacturers. W means use only fabric cleaners with water (like Resolve) or at-home solutions (like water and a dish soap like Dawn). S means use only dry solvent, which is found in hardware stores. SW means either of those two. X means…

You’ve probably heard and laughed at the word athleisure. It’s funny! It brings to mind an image of the selfproclaimed most fashionable people in the world giving a standing ovation to a model walking a runway in sweatpants—or the face of Tom Brady posing a little too hard, a little too close to the word Ugg. But at the same time, clothes designed to both look good and dry fast make going to the gym, running to the grocery store after, or just lying on the recliner feel better. Like this watch on that man’s wrist: the TAG Heuer Connected. It’s the first smartwatch blessed with fitness apps and the design of a classic watchmaker— perfectly rooted in both form and function, just like a good set of push-ups.…

THE LOCKER ROOM is a place of unspoken rules. And those rules are far easier to manage if you apply two guiding principles to all you do there: Use everything efficiently and with respect for all the men whose bare feet are within feet of yours and who might not like how that thing smells (even if they’re wrong). You can maximize these principles by using products that naturally support them: that dispense without spraying and wafting around the place, that minimize the duration of your shower, that come in packaging that won’t slip out of slick hands. Each item above hits all those marks—and also, you know, helps you work out. 1. FOR YOUR ARMPITS One swipe per. Maybe two. Lab Series’ antiperspirant deodorant ($17; labseries.com) is heavier-dutythan-normal clear…

WHEN CHRIS ROCK HOSTS the eightyeighth Academy Awards this month, he will be overseeing managed decline—a tough gig. No more exhausted gag runs through Hollywood than the Oscars. You can’t make jokes about how long the ceremony is; they’ve all been made. You can’t joke about how white it is; it always returns to the same level of white. The biggest advantage to hosting the Oscars at this point is that there’s no way to hatewatch the thing anymore; it’s been hatewatched too many times already. Despite the intensity of exhaustion, the race for the little golden statues remains as ferocious as ever. The hope of practically every movie that’s not about somebody in tights doing magical things to evil geniuses, of every movie that’s not a rehashed version of…

Outside the library in Irving, I notice that the clouds up above are getting a bit darker. A storm is gathering. The Christmas tornadoes will soon thrash this area. Off in the distance, there’s an enormous brand-new house being built on a vacant lot. A Muslim couple stand in front of it with a man and a lady in a hijab going over blueprints. I drive over to them and park behind their minivan. Their kids wait patiently inside the van. I ask the guy how out of all the lots of land in the United States to build a house on, why here? He tells me because his business is here. I ask him about the guys who like to hang out with assault rifles at the mosque down…

Burning Man, Experiment in Community and Art, 30 Burning Man, a large countercultural festival that took place in the Nevada desert, has died, according to Just About Everyone. Burning Man began as a small ritual on a San Francisco beach in 1986, inspired by the ideals of free expression and French anarchist philosophy. It moved to Nevada, where it grew in size, and featured a mix of performance art, glitter, dust, elaborate hats, electric ukuleles, and nipples. In its final years, Burning Man was afflicted by billionaires in airconditioned yurts and debilitating bouts of Cara Delevingne. But the recent attendance of Grover Norquist—a Republican antitax activist and NRA board member—proved fatal. The Hot Take, Dead at 13 Born in 2003 in the offices of Slate magazine, The Hot Take, a…

Friday, 1:30, lunch at Dokebi, aKorean restaurant in Brooklyn anda Buressfavorite. SCOTT RAAB: This is Williamsburg? HANNIBAL BURESS: Yeah, this is SR: This is your neighborhood? HB: Yeah. SR: And you make fun of hipsters? HB: When did I make fun of hipsters? SR: I’ve seen you make fun of hipsters inyour stand-up. HB: I was talking about handlebar mustaches.The neighborhood don’t make the person,though. SR: Have you been here long? HB: Seven years. SR: You must like it a lot. HB: I can go anywhere I want, so I like ithere. SR: In reading about you, the line “from cultcomic to mainstream star” comes up a lot.Does it feel like that? HB: Not mainstream star. More peopleknow who I am now—and not necessarilyfrom stand-up. Now I’ve done otherprojects—Broad City,…

THE LATTER-DAY AL PACINO AWARD FOR RANDOM SHOUTING Eddie Redmayne as an immortal space dictator, Jupiter Ascending. THE LATTER-DAY AL PACINO AWARD FOR RANDOM SHOUTING (RUNNER-UP) Al Pacino as old Al Pacino, Danny Collins. BEST ARGUMENT FOR GMOs That the only side effect of Channing Tatum being the product of human-wolf gene splicing in space epic Jupiter Ascending is pointy ears. IN A TROUBLED TIME, DESPITE OUR SOMETIMES BITTER DIVISIONS, WHAT WE SHARE AS A PEOPLE AND WHAT DEFINES US AS A NATION Michael Keaton UNLIKELIEST BODY PART OF DAKOTA JOHNSON’S TO HAVE TAKEN THE MOST ABUSE IN FIFTY SHADES OF GREY Johnson’s lower lip, which she bites 45 times during the S&M film. MAYBE EMMA STONE WASN’T SO UNBELIEVABLE AS AN ASIAN WOMAN IN ALOHA Chris Hemsworth as a…

John Wray’s audacious, sprawling new novel, The Lost Time Accidents (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, $27), is about escaping the shadows that all families cast, in this case a family obsession with time travel and crimes committed during the Holocaust. The story spans generations and continents and involves religious cults, Einstein, and an asshole cousin who hawks pheromone potions in present-day New York. It’s funnier and more ambitious than anything weÕve read in months. Shazam the book at left to read excerpts from three of John Wray’s other novels, and an interview with the writer from 2008, when he was named an Esquire Best & Brightest honoree.…

There’s a lot to be compelled by in this book. The “Nails and Their Uses” diagram, for instance. The “Moisture Content and Shrinkage of Hardwoods and Softwoods” chart. The instructions for running drainpipe. But the section that will most immediately change your relationship with the rooms in which you live is the book’s first chapter: “Design.” What Charlie Wing means by design is not what an interior designer means by design, not entirely, at least. “Houses are designed for the comfort and safety of human beings,” Wing writes. “House dimensions must, therefore, be related to human dimensions.” Which is both obvious and profound. The chapter establishes simple rules for why a space just feels right. You want to be able to walk past a seating area? You need 44 inches…

Looking for Something? You Can’t Go Wrong With . . . LIGHTING: Visual Comfort, Circa, Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams, Crate & Barrel PAINT: Benjamin Moore, Sherwin-Williams, Pratt & Lambert COTTON BED LINENS: Frette, Restoration Hardware, Pratesi PLUMBING FIXTURES: Kohler. Really, just Kohler is fine. THERE ARE THREE THINGS to know about LED bulbs. (They’re on the box they come in.) First is lumen output, which is how much light is coming out of the bulb. It’s the brightness equivalent of what we think of as an incandescent bulb’s wattage: 800 lumens is essentially a 60-watt incandescent, which is what you should use a lot around your house. So remember 800 lumens. Next is color temperature—very important. All light colors are measured in degrees Kelvin. Daylight is 5,000 degrees—cool, white,…

SURE, LOOK AT THE COLOR. But what you really want to know about a bag is where it can go and what it can do for you while you make your way there. If you plan to run up a back trail someplace, consider the nylon iteration, which has dozens of pockets and the ability to turn into a backpack. If you need something to sneak out of the office with for an hour in the afternoon, opt for the one whose leather handles and black monochrome give it the look of a sleek weekender. And if you have to climb a mountain to attend a top-secret business lunch, go with the one that is both of those things at once. Above, we’ve laid out the capabilities of each.…

AMERICAN GIANT ESSENTIAL SHORTS Made of thin terry, these land right above the knee and their pockets reach deep enough that your phone won’t fall out during your jog. $44; american-giant.com FLINT AND TINDER KS-1 SPORT BOXER BRIEFS Just enough elastic to prevent scrunching of any kind. $30; flintandtinderusa.com BOMBAS CALF SOCKS They stay up, hug your instep and arch, and provide just the right amount of cushioning for your heels and toes, without adding much bulk at all. $44 for four pairs; bombas.com…

LAST MONTH, DAVID HARRIS, THE VICE-PRESIDENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN PERFORMANCE AT EQUINOX, LAID THE FOUNDATION FOR THE ESQUIRE FITNESS CHALLENGE. THIS MONTH, HE INTRODUCES A SERIES OF EXERCISES DESIGNED TO BUILD LEAN BODY MASS WHILE OPTIMIZING MOBILITY AND FLEXIBILITY. THE WARM-UP THREE MOVEMENTS TO EXTEND YOUR RANGE OF MOTION AND LOOSEN TIGHTNESS IN YOUR JOINTS AND SPINE Sit on a foam roller, feet flat on the floor, and cross your legs so that your left ankle is resting on your right knee. Roll back and forth, up and down the left side of your glutes, for 30 seconds. Switch sides; repeat for 30 seconds. Move on to your spine for about one minute. In a standing position, slightly bend your knees, hinging forward from your hips, and bring your…

1940: Hattie McDaniel won a Best Supporting Actress award for Gone with the Wind, becoming the first African-American to be nominated for, and the first to win, an Oscar. 1942: Target for Tonight, a British documentary that members of the Royal Air Force acted in while “actually under fire,” won an honorary Academy Award. 1965: Dr. Strangelove’s Ken Adam won a BAFTA for art direction. When building the film’s bomber, the studio wasn’t given access to a B-52, but Air Force personnel who later saw the cockpit said the reproduction was completely accurate. 1994: It’s not just that Anna Paquin was 11 when she won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for The Piano. It’s that she had to learn sign language and put on a Scottish accent for the role. 1996:…

We have this expression in Arabic: The people’s love for you is the measure of your worth. My mother always told me that when I was young, and I’ve tried to live up to those words through all of the horror I’ve seen and been through. Not long ago, a sniper’s bullet went through the hair on my sister’s head. Three of my brothers were kidnapped. One is ruined. Another is dead because he couldn’t withstand the torture. Many factions want to kill me. All I’ve tried to do is help people. I was born in Syria in 1984, in Homs—a couple of hours north of Damascus. My early childhood was simple, happy, and secure. It’s strange to think back upon it. My mother was an amazing woman. She and…