Esquire的May 2013目录

Essential information for this issue and your month PAGE 162 EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN BY THE AMISH." PAGE 138 PAGE 134 PAGE 136 PAGE 73 "DADDY, I AM NOT A MINISTER." PAGE 114 "THE NUMBER THIRTY-EIGHT. IT'S SO ROUND. IT'S A VOLUPTUOUS NUMBER. EIGHTY-EIGHT HAS GONE TOO FAR." PAGE 45 PAGE 98 "IT'S ALSO NOT AT ALL LIKE GOLF, IN THAT PICKING THE WRONG CLUB WON'T END WITH YOU FALLING TO YOUR DEATH." PAGE 49 "I'VE TOLD PEOPLE THAT THESE SOCKS HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE." PAGE 88 PAGE 42 "YOUR MACKLE-MORE BOOTLEGS WILL SOUND BETTER THAN EVER." PAGE 106 "AND THEN AT LAST, SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN, HE PRONOUNCES DICAPRIO A NASTOYASHI MUZHIK: A REAL MAN." PAGE 98 PAGE 46 "SIMPLY PUT, IT'S BECAUSE WOMEN DON'T GET HARD-ONS." PAGE 28 "SHE'S OFFICIALLY OVERTAKEN…

A BLIND MAN AND HIS SEEING-eye dog come to a busy intersection. Ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by, the dog leads the man right into the thick of it. Horns blare as panicked drivers try desperately not to hit the pair. They reach the other side of the street, and the man pulls out a cookie and offers it to the dog. A passerby says, "Why are you rewarding your dog? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man says, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass." ABOUT THE JOKESTER: Before she was cast in Da Vinci's Demons on Starz, Laura Haddock appeared in plenty of UK TV and movies that didn't quite make it stateside. Now that she's here, she's officially…

I'm a chef who grew up in the era just before the green-market revolution. Like so many others, my mother was a Birds Eye queen, and the Jolly Green Giant was her best friend, always hiding in the cupboard. So as I grew older and my passion for food grew, I wanted to come up with a simple, tasty, and healthy way to prepare garden or green-market vegetables. After many years of cooking, I find myself always returning to this one tried-and-true technique. It never fails me, and my guests always want to know how I did it. Simplicity, I tell them. The secret lies in the technique, and after a couple tries, you'll pick it right up. To use a restaurant phrase, it's done à la minute—"in a minute,"…

Q. DO ANIMALS CHEAT? Cheat how? On their taxes? At cards? I will take your silence to mean that you're asking if animals have affairs, and if that's the case, what I have to tell you may come as a surprise: Only 3 percent of mammals, which I'm pretty sure most animals are, are monogamous. The other 97 percent say only that it's complicated. Of the animals in committed relationships, some do cheat, but only when there's a good reason and it doesn't interfere with their main activity: murder (or, as they call it, "eating"). Birds are the real dogs. "There's a lot of evidence of females moving off the area they share with the male at first light in the morning and going over to a neighboring territory, mating…

ESQUIRE NETWORK'S PROGRAMMING IS EXPANDING BY THE DAY. FOR NOW, HERE ARE SOME OF THE MORE NOTABLE ORIGINAL AND SYNDICATED SHOWS YOU CAN CATCH. Knife Fight: Like Top Chef/Iron Chef, only everyone's drunk. (See page 69.) Parks and Recreation: Small-town Indiana government. The only show to successfully combine sweet and funny. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: See right. Risky Listing: The seedy world of night-club realty. Psych: Charlie from The West Wing helps his police-detective friend solve crimes. Funny. The Getaway: Joel McHale, Eve, Aziz Ansari, and more guide you through their favorite cities. Party Down: See page 69. Burn Notice: A spy abandoned by the government turns to detective work. How I Rock It: MTV's Cribs, only in the closets…

There was a moment back last winter, as the administration labored mightily to get Chuck Hagel confirmed as the new secretary of defense, in which I thought everything might just snap. I thought there might come a moment in which Hagel, fed up with the piddling and the sniping and the intimations that he was preparing to sell Fort Bragg to Islamic Jihad, would simply rip from his body the shrapnel that he still carries there from his days in Vietnam and throw the bloody chunks of it in the faces of his various tormentors both in and out of the United States Senate. This moment came when many of the dimmer bulbs in the legislative chandelier—I mean, honestly, Ted Cruz and Ron Johnson? The 'ho-mongering David Vitter? Jim Inhofe?—signed…

WE LOVE ALISON BRIE. BECAUSE OF MAD MEN, BECAUSE OF COMMUNITY, BECAUSE…WELL, IT SHOULD BE COMPLETELY OBVIOUS. ALL WE WANTED TO KNOW WAS, WHAT DOES ALISON BRIE LOVE? The Enthusiasms of Alison Brie I LOVE… …the number thirty-eight. It's so round. It's a voluptuous number. Eighty-eight has gone too far. Seeing my reflection in somebody else's sunglasses. It's a nice way to check in with yourself. How loud my mother laughs at her own jokes. Giraffes, because their bodies defy nature and embrace it at the same time. Getting a script in the mail from Mad Men. How there doesn't seem to be any alcoholics in Scotland, even though everybody drinks all day every day. My afternoons, because they're always different. Going to bed early. If I can get eight…

FEATURING: GARY CLARK JR. | FITZ AND THE TANTRUMS | HUNTER HAYES | WIZ KHALIFA | NE-YO | COLD WAR KIDS SOME WERE NOMINEES. SOME WERE PERFORMERS. AND SOME WERE JUST BANGING AROUND LOS ANGELES. THE DAY BEFORE THIS YEAR'S GRAMMY AWARDS, FOURTEEN MUSICIANS FROM ACROSS THE JUKEBOX SPECTRUM GATHERED IN ONE PLACE TO SHOW HOW A LITTLE VARIETY—ON YOUR PLAYLIST AND IN YOUR CLOSET—CAN GO A LONG WAY. WANT TO HEAR THESE GUYS SING? SCAN THE FOLLOWING PAGES USING YOUR NETPAGE APP TO LISTEN TO MUSIC FROM EACH ARTIST. Linen-and-resin jacket ($998), cotton jeans ($298), and suede boots ($598) by John Varvatos; cotton T-shirt ($55) by Boss Orange; wool hat ($78) by Gents. GARY CLARK JR. FOR THE UNINITIATED: When Eric Clapton tells you that you're the blues guitar…

Always on mute. Kill roaches dead. Every last one of the various profanities. Maybe not that one. Yellow pants for men. (We know!) Make-believe telescope. 300 dpi Not expressly forbidden by the Amish. Alison Brie. Oh, wait … The Liberator: "Never stop exploring." (See page 161.) Perfect raviolis every time. Pages and pages and pages and pages of words. Blah blah blah. Christ. Scherenschnitte, the German art of paper cutting. Let's see: a paper Eiffel Tower, a paper sunset…Ooh, a little paper kitty staring at a little paper mockingbird on a little paper branch. Naughty kitty! (Maybe that's just us.) Actual journalism. Then option it to the movies. Only a minor tragedy if it falls on the floor.…

QUESTLOVE THE PRODUCER/DRUMMER/MUSICOLOGIST TALKS TO SCOTT RAAB ABOUT PRINCE, PUBLIC ENEMY, BILL WITHERS, TEACHING, PHILLY, AND POLITICS Esquire MUSIC 2013 Late Night with Jimmy Fallon studios at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, where Questlove is finishing rehearsals for The Music of Prince at Carnegie Hall later this week. SCOTT RAAB: You got time for me? QUESTLOVE: Of course I do. SR: You've got a lot going on. QL: We're going to my apartment to eat. My chef made us some stuff. SR: That's awfully nice. MAYA RUDOLPH: Am I coming with you? [Her Prince tribute band, Princess, is playing the show, too.] QL: Yeah. MR: Where are you going? QL: I'm going home, but your hotel is near my home. [To Al Roker] What's up, man? It's Ahmir. AL ROKER: Oh, hey!…

BOOKS "I wasn't sure I was supposed to like The Kite Runner, as my impression was that it was more of a woman's book," a young colleague of mine tells me. And what, by contrast, is a man's book? I ask. "Something more overtly masculine, less emotional, less loving." Less loving? "Something more dick-on-the-table," he says. "But in spite of my confusion, I couldn't put the book down. I thought it was great." And millions of other people agreed with this guy, making The Kite Runner one of the most surprising runaway best sellers ever. Just goes to show the "impediments" a truly marvelous story can overcome. When a book sells a million copies, it is regarded as wildly successful, but when you sell 38 million books (when you sell…

Unlike most of the docks, AirPlay speakers, and TVs tuned to satellite radio that many of us use to listen to music, a component stereo system plays songs the way artists meant for them to be heard: clear and full, with a depth that makes listening to an album feel like being at a concert. Your Macklemore bootlegs will sound better than ever. But first, an important step: Prepare yourself. You cannot become an audiophile, even a moderate one, without opening your wallet. Nope, wider. But there is some hope. While a top-of-the-line stereo can easily run you more than $100,000, Christopher Hansen, co-owner of Simply Home Entertainment in Beverly Hills, says you can assemble an excellent system for around $4,000 (see next page). Or $13,000 (below) if you're feeling…

Perry, Ralph, Calvin: With those three names, you get all that was good and right and exciting about men's style in the early 1980s. Ralph Lauren was the traditional one; Calvin Klein the minimalist one; and Perry Ellis the unpredictable one, shooting straight down the middle with clothes that could look both preppy and urbane, accessible and unexpected. A new capsule line, Perry Ellis by Duckie Brown, recaptures some of that old magic in the hands of Duckie's design duo, Steven Cox and Daniel Silver. In a collection called "50 Shades of Khaki," Cox and Silver have created slim-cut suits and tailored separates, suede bomber jackets and hand-knit sweaters in many, many shades of khaki, ranging from off-white to borderline brown. Ellis, who died in 1986, wore khaki chinos pretty…

AMERICA IS ROARING BACK. YOU NEED TO KICK ASS AT WORK RIGHT NOW OR YOU'LL UNDERMINE THE INCIPIENT ECONOMIC COMEBACK OF AN ENTIRE NATION—NOT TO MENTION YOUR OWN SALARY, SELF-WORTH, AND HAPPINESS FOR THE REST OF YOUR CAREER. EVERYTHING YOU DO AT WORK—HOW YOU ACT TOWARD OTHERS, WHAT YOU WEAR, WHAT YOU SAY AND WRITE, EVERYTHING—MATTERS MORE THAN EVER. AND AS GOOD AS YOU ARE, YOU COULD BE DOING BETTER. FINALLY, ON THE NEXT ELEVEN PAGES, ADVICE FOR THE PLACE WE SPEND MOST OF OUR WAKING LIFE. 74 Advice for entrepreneurs, by the Ace of Cakes 76 How to be gracious, by Tom Chiarella 78 An inspiring essay on public speaking, by Joel Osteen 80 Ask Esquire: An advice column about work 82 The workplace guide to facial hair 82…

Winter is over, and temperatures have returned to a level hospitable to creatures with warm blood. So get off the couch and into some shorts. Maybe put on a little sunscreen. It's time to get outside again. When a Man Learns to Slalom AS MUCH FUN AS IT IS ALREADY, WATERSKIING CAN BE EVEN BETTER—AS SOON AS YOU GET A LITTLE HELP BY PETER MARTIN The best thing about waterskiing—aside from the rush of skimming over the water at the top speed of a Kia—is that everyone can do it, from a kid to a grandpa. And that's where the trouble starts: You start to think you know what you're doing. Which is dumb. You wouldn't take up the oboe with only a few pointers from a neighbor, and you…

PATRICK WISHES HE HADN'T ORDERED THE LARGE COKE. BUT HE WAS TIRED—AND he doesn't drink coffee because it tastes like dirt—and the large cup cost only ten cents more than the medium—so he thought, What the hell. ¶ But now he has to pee. And he has the window seat. And there is no way he can sneak past the two women sitting next to him without making them shut down their laptops, making them stand, making a big production, making everybody on the plane look up and stare at him and think, "Oh, that kid has to pee." And they will be thinking that—they will be thinking about him peeing—when he locks himself into the chemical-smelling closet of a bathroom and struggles with his zipper and tries to maintain…

VALERIE JARRETT SENIOR WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR, 56, WASHINGTON INTERVIEWED BY CAL FUSSMAN, MARCH 13, 2013 > If somebody's trying to get you angry, the calmer you get, the angrier they'll get. > I try not to keep any ice cream in the house because I can go through a pint pretty fast. > Anytime I was hesitant about taking a chance, my grandmother would say, "Valerie, put yourself in the path of lightning." > I was the first person in my family to become a lawyer. I was working on the seventy-ninth floor of the Sears Tower. I had a great office overlooking the sailboats on Lake Michigan. But I was miserable. A friend advised me to think about city government. I was hesitant—I was on my path and, miserable…

You would not believe the day I'm having. My kid wakes up with a load in his diaper and then some. There is shit everywhere—in his crib, on the wall, on a lampshade like five feet away. It looks like a murder scene, only with shit. Then I look out the window and see a cop writing me a ticket because I'm parked 13 feet from a fire hydrant and not the required-by-law 15 feet. Two feet? I ask her. And how do you even know it's two feet? She hands me the ticket. This could be the opening scene of a TV show. A bad TV show, but still. The petty grievances of put-upon men have given us the darker episodes of Seinfeld (which is to say the funnier…

To make vermouth, you steep a little bit of wormwood and a number of other spices in wine that has been beefed up with a distilled spirit and let everything rest for a while. In the late-19th century, American bartenders discovered that the resulting product was ideal for rounding the sharp edges off a cocktail, made theretofore with only spirits, sugar, bitters, and ice. The vermouth not only smooths out the drink and adds a pleasing complexity, it also lowers the alcohol content without thinning its texture—useful if you want to stick around for more than a round or two. It's not just vermouth that does this, as they knew back then. The 19th century saw the launch of a whole raft of French aperitifs and Italian aperitivi—literally "openers," given…

GROOMING 1. I don't want pretty feet, just unembarrassing feet. What should I be doing? You probably already know to cut your toenails straight, leaving just a sliver of white at the top. Rounding them like you would your fingernails leads to ingrown toenails, then pain. Maybe puss. Once a week, remove any calluses or dry, dead skin with a pumice stone or foot file. It'll take a minute. Two, tops. (If you have diabetes, podiatrist Dr. Jeffrey DeSantis suggests leaving the exfoliation to your doctor, since poor circulation can dull sensation and prevent you from noticing when you've scraped too far.) And try a little lotion when you get out of the shower. You'll keep your heels from looking cracked—and maybe stop snagging your sheets. 2. Lotion? Yes, lotion.…

The Internet has reached peak hate. It had to. At every other moment in history when there has been an explosion of text—whether through social change, like the birth of a religious movement, or technological change, like the advent of print—a period of nasty struggle ensued before the forces of civility reined it in. In the past few months alone, we've seen the catfishing of Manti Te'o, a professional tennis player quit because of trolling, and a rash of teenage suicides from cyberbullying alongside the by-now-standard Twitter hatestorms of various strengths and durations. The sheer bulk of the rage at the moment can seem overwhelming. But the fact that we recognize it and have acknowledged its unacceptability is a sign of the ancient process reasserting itself yet again. The Internet…

GENTLEMEN: We've come a long way. Gone (mostly) is the tyranny of the two-piece suit, and the less said about Casual Fridays the better. Today, more and more of us are earning the right to wear a mix of casual and tailored clothing to work, and it's important to invest wisely. If picking up a sport jacket, look for a high-quality cloth that has an interesting texture and a light construction. If wearing jeans, make sure they're dark and they fit impeccably. Don't skimp on quality or craftsmanship simply because you've opted to loosen up. Invest wisely and look your best every day. Three-button cotton jacket ($195) by Banana Republic; cashmere-and-cotton sweater ($695) by Ermenegildo Zegna; cotton shirt ($195) by Hamilton Shirts; cotton jeans ($168) by AG Adriano Goldschmied; suede…

Guy sitting in a room, talking about how comfortable he feels. Then he cracks his neck. Thing is, he cracks his neck at the exact moment he's talking about how comfortable he feels—as he's giving a little speech about his feelings of comfort. This is what he says: "Most recently, the last few years, I feel way more comfortable than I've ever felt. You always talk about that, and then one day you're like: If they don't like this, well, fuck 'em. What can you do? It's a resignation to life and who you are. Hey, look, I'm pretty well-formed as an adult now. I don't have to impress anybody. You ask yourself these different questions: What do I want to do? Interesting question: What do I want to do?…

WITH SPOTIFY AND SATELLITE RADIO AND PANDORA, WE ALL LIVE IN A MUSICAL GHETTO OF OUR OWN MAKING. HEREWITH, YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO BREAK OUT. SONGS A MAN SHOULD HEAR. A GUIDE TO MUSIC SERVICES. THE STATE OF LISTENING TO MUSIC. ALSO: TECHNOLOGY! (WHAT, YOU DON'T SEE THE HEADPHONES? THEY'RE RIGHT OVER THERE.) WITH YOUR HOSTESS NINA AGDAL AGDAL PHOTOGRAPHED BY DEREK KETTELA ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARION HUGO "BURIED ALIVE," YEAH YEAH YEAHS Even though the main event is a battle between an angular guitar and a spacey Gorillaz-like groove, things get particularly freaky with a verse-long revival of Kool Keith's assumed-dead extraterrestrial ecologist alter ego, Dr. Octagon. Turns out he was missed. "TOO MUCH," KENDRICK SCOTT ORACLE Scott transforms a six-minute Sufjan Stevens cover into a windy road map toward a…

A THURSDAY "You never saw these," Bill Petit says as he opens his front door. It's ten o'clock in the morning and he is holding a stack of broken-down cardboard boxes he was supposed to take out to the trash. They missed the recycling last week. They're still getting used to the schedule. He and his wife, Christine, moved into this house a month ago, not long after the wedding, and she's trying to make it nice, to give it "the feminine touch," as Bill says. And that means not having boxes stacked by the front door. He steps out past the pumpkin left over from Halloween and half eaten by squirrels, and gets rid of them before she sees. His hair is damp from the shower, combed back. His…