Inhaltsverzeichnis für May 2022 in Viz

letters@viz.co.uk □ “OUR HOUSE, in the middle of the street,” sang popular North London ska band Madness in the eighties. But I can’t imagine they were particularly popular with local residents if they had a house blocking the middle of the road. If their house had been at the side of the street like everyone else’s, then perhaps their popularity wouldn’t have steadily declined over the last four decades. Micky Bullock, Bristol □ ACCORDING to the futurist Thomas Friedman, we live in an age of acceleration where everything we see, touch and feel is exponentially faster and more connected than at any time in the history of the human race. Yet I notice the speed of light has not changed since the 17th century, and even Albert Einstein couldn’t make it…

TAKE advantage of any major storm that hits by throwing all your unwanted rubbish in your neighbours’ gardens. Geordie Pete, Reading SAVE money on a Hall of Mirrors by being 4’ 3”, 35 stone, and having a very pointed head. Michael Thompson, North Wales FEEL truly ‘Presidential’ when arriving home by pointing at random family members and pets as you walk through the house. An extra level of realism can be achieved if you act like you’ve never seen a balloon before. Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresford PREVENT hair loss by adding a few drops of Super Glue to you usual hair conditioner. Remember to wear goggles when rinsing to prevent your eyes getting glued shut. Ian, Bletchley HALF a tube of Polos wrapped in clingfilm, pierced at both ends and inserted into…

But nothing drives me cra-y-ay-y-zy like exam nerves. And with A-Levels and GCSEs just around the corner, I thought I’d share my top revision tips for the main subjects so that when you sit down to take your tests, you’ll pass them with flying colours. Just cut out my exam tips flashcards along the dotted lines and discreetly slip them in your back pocket or pencil case. Maths Maths is a complicated subject and one that can seem daunting at first, but there’s an easy trick that makes sitting this exam child’s play. Just remember the first sum you ever learned: 1 + 1 = 2. Then memorise a really large sum, for example 124 + 276 = 400. All the answers you’ll need in your exam will probably fall…

…I’VE always loved Pavarotti, so being trapped with him for 2 hours in a lift would be wonderful. It would be a bit of a squeeze, as I weigh 28 stone, as does he, which may explain why the lift broke in the first place. And I imagine he wouldn’t be able to sing to me, as it would be far too loud for such a small space. So we’d just have to chat about classical music or something until the engineers came. Edna Ballsup, shop assistant …I’D like to be trapped in a lift with Gary Lineker. I’ve followed his career since he started at Leicester in 1978 and I think he is a tremendous ambassador for the game. And if there was ever a lull in the conversation, we…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk alpenfahrt 1. n. A walk up a Swiss mountain. A word that would probably benefit from some umlauts if we knew how to find them on the keyboard. 2. n. Following through with cereal grains after an over enthusiastic guff. and I commend this statement to the house 1. exclam. Traditional vocal flourish at the end of a lengthy parliamentary speech, typically greeted by barks of approbation from the twats on the same benches and cries of “Shame!” from the opposition. 2. exclam. Said in a statesmanlike manner after dropping the order paper. See also a confident appeal by the Australians there; and you can’t say fairer than that; what’s that Sweep?; well that’s the end of that bottle of HP etc. an heave offering unto the Lord 1. phr. Biblical command…

INSTEAD of having your wife’s name on a tattoo, just have one that says ‘The Mrs’ Instead. This will avoid any awkwardness in the event that you divorce and marry someone else. Jack Spratt, Stourbridge SAVE money when eating out at restaurants by having a big meal at home beforehand. You can then happily order a glass of water and a sprig of parsley as a main course. Scarly, Sale IF YOU have a twin, convince someone that they are pissed by both of you standing in front of them whilst swaying from side to side. Kev McLean, Peterlee UNDERSTAND what it’s like to own a cat by getting your wife to aggressively gouge your hand with a compass, whilst one of the kids deflates a tyre. Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresford FOOL your…

Laurence Fox, arsehole failed actor AS AN ANTI-WOKE firebrand, I steadfastly refuse to kneel, due to kneeling’s toxic association with the Stalinist #BlackLivesMatter movement. So if I went Woke For A Day, I’d take the opportunity to do all the kneeling-based chores I haven’t been able to perform for the last few years – such as tying my shoelaces and fixing that leak under the sink. If I had any time left after that, I’d probably have fun doing a few other knee-centric activities, such as weeding the garden or pretending to be a child by shuffling about with my shoes on my knees. All things considered, it would be a refreshing change of pace to be able to bend my leg joints without worrying about accidentally advocating communism. Jeremy…

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AGE LIFT SPECIAL … 2-PAGE LIFT SPECIAL … 2-PAGE LIFT SPECIAL … 2-PAGE LIFT SPECIAL … 2-PAGE LIFT SPECIAL … 2-PAGE LIFT SPECIAL … 2-PAGE LIFT SPECIAL … 2-PAGE LIFT SPECIAL … 2-PAGE 1 If you look it up in the dictionary, the word ‘lift’ means to raise somethingup to a higher level. However, a lift can also lower things down, for example when moving people or goods from a higher floor to one below. So the dictionary is actually wrong on this count. 2 Whilst most people wear their shoes in lifts, some people wear lifts in their shoes! Short-arsed celebs such as SYLVESTER STALLONE, TOM CRUISE and VLADIMIR PUTIN are all rumoured to secrete hidden wedges – known as ‘lifts’ – in the heels of their footwear to…

The first appearance of soup on the silver screen was in LAUREL AND HARDY’s 1928 silent comedy From Soup to Nuts. Working as waiters at anupper-class dinner party, cack-handed Stan spills hot broth over Ollie’s shoes as a title card reads: “Watch where you’re dropping that soup, numbskull!”: Jazz Age audiences were so busy chuckling at the slapstick hilarity, they failed to spot a glaring error, though… namely, that Stan Laurel is wearing a LIMP BIZKIT T-shirt throughout the entire film! “It was so embarrassing, because Limp Bizkit didn’t even form until 1994, almost thirty years after my death,” Laurel recalled in his autobiography. “Boy, were our faces red,” he quipped. Production on the iconic 1960 movie Spartacus was delayed for more than four hours on its first day of shooting –…

5 I DON’T think the Olympic downhill skiers ought to be allowed to thwack those sticks out of the way during their race. If I was in charge, instead of being bendy, I’d make them out of steel pipe and concrete them in. Then they’d have to go round them properly. Stuie, Bunny 5 CAN I use the pages of Viz to put myself forward for selection of the next Winter Olympics men’s curling team? I’ve never played, but after watching it for all of five minutes, my wife assures me it’s “an absolute piece of piss. All you’ve got to do is push a fucking stone into a circle. How hard can it be? They don’t even wear skates!” I look forward to hearing from the Olympic committee in due…

Dear Doris, I RECENTLY went on the ouija board, and I started talking to somebody whose name began with B. We got along great and I’ve contacted him many times since. But recently when I’ve gone on the ouija and asked if there’s anybody there, there isn’t. Last week I could only contact somebody beginning with a J or a K, and somebody who had died in a car accident – but when I asked if there was anybody there beginning with B, the glass never moved. I’m worried that he might be seeing somebody else on the other side and I don’t know what to do. Doris says… Relationships fail, and it’s often the fault of neither party. And it’s nice when break-ups are done properly – with dignity, in…

Q. I’M HEALTH CONSCIOUS and I understand that you burn more calories taking the stairs than if you use a lift. But the stairs in the block of flats where I live reek of piss and I’m reluctant to take them. Would I burn just as many calories if I were to jog on the spot whilst in the lift? A. Probably, but I wouldn’t recommend jogging on the spot whilst in the lift as the extra commotion could destabilise the sheave (the pulley the wire cables are wrapped around) and cause uncoupling of the elevator cart. Why not take some light dumb bells in the lift with you and do some slow squats? Q. ARE LIFT MECHANICS responsible for the music we hear in lifts? The lift in my…