Inhaltsverzeichnis für May 2013 in Maxim

Making the Cuthbert Death Wish I’ve been a loyal subscriber to this great magazine since 2000. As a joke I scribbled, “Would it kill you to put Elisha Cuthbert on the cover?” on my renewal check. Imagine my surprise when I got the March issue and saw Elisha staring back at me. I promise to use my check-scribbling powers for good! —Mat Worzala, via e-mail Your scribble did get Elisha on the cover, and, sadly, yes, it did kill one Maxim editor. Hope you’re happy. Cuthbert to the Rescue! Somehow Elisha gets more gorgeous every year. It’s like she’s superhuman. Hey, there’s an idea! She plays a superhero in a movie, and you guys could design her costume! —Michael Bowser, via e-mail We’re on it. Anyone out there know how…

Taco Belle I never realized how much I like Mexican food before moving to L.A., because I’d spent my whole life on the East Coast. But since I came here, I’ve gone crazy, whether it’s higher-end places or taco stands on the side of the road. I’m excited to celebrate Cinco de Mayo here! Bring on the Fart Jokes I saw the first Hangover half a dozen times, so I’m psyched for the third one. I really like dumb boy humor. Hold On a SEC I grew up going to Atlanta Braves games, but I’m more of an SEC football fan. My sister went to the University of Georgia, my parents went to Florida, and my best friend’s fiancé was the quarterback at Alabama. It’s like a religion in the…

History’s most despised villains have some truly shameful secrets. Osama bin Laden: Loved Whitney Houston The world’s top terrorist was also Whitney Houston’s number one fan. Bin Laden reportedly planned to marry the singer by wooing her with a mansion in Sudan. Big mistake: All Whit wanted was to dance with somebody, to feel the heat with somebody. Bashar al-Assad: Loves LMFAO According to leaked e-mails, the Syrian dictator loved jamming to LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It” and “I’m Too Sexy” hitmaker Right Said Fred. Apparently, the only thing al-Assad hasn’t oppressed is his banana hammock. Kim Jong-il: Loved Waterslides What did we find when Google Earth let us see inside North Korea’s borders? Weapons of mass destruction? Tied-up South Koreans? Nope: water slides. The dictator’s pools were filled…

GEARS OF WAR: JUDGMENT is here, and the Coalition of Ordered Governments—and April Rose—needs you! Sorry, April Rose won’t be following you into battle on this killer custom GoW trike, but Judgment’s all-new story is still a gun-toting, chain-sawing bloody good time. The fourth edition of the sci-fi series about mankind’s struggle to defeat the evil Locust Horde introduces the Mission Declassification System, a feature that lets gamers jingle their brass balls harder, turning up the difficulty on each mission by adding new objectives for bigger rewards. Judgment also boasts more multiplayer options and comes packed with a slew of new levels, adding never-before-seen verticality to the battlefield. Watching the COG soldier you’re manning jump from a window to trample the opposition is the kind of beauty ballerinas can only…

World Cow Chip Throwing Championship When: April 20 What: In Beaver, Oklahoma, folks gather and throw dried-up cow crud. The bet: Will anyone beat the record of 248 feet? And will any-one shake the winner’s hand? May the Fourth Be With You When: May 4 What: National Star Wars dork-out day. The bet: What’s the over/under for how long it takes to get fired for wearing your sexy slave Leia costume to work? Mother’s Day When: May 12 What: The annual salute to that beautiful woman who gave you life. The bet: Twenty bucks says you forget to call her. Mike the Headless Chicken Festival When: May 17 and 18 What: A festival held in Fruita, Colorado, dedicated to a chicken that had its head cut off and continued to…

Two ministers are discussing their lives in the church, and one of them says, “I never slept with my wife until after we were married. How about you?” The second preacher thinks for a second, scratches his head, and says, “I’m not sure, what was her maid-en name?” —RICHARD GERWECK Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax, and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older one, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replies. The man continues, “Do you know how these are used?” The boy replies, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for my brother—he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you’ll be able to swim and ride…

An anonymous member of the Army Special Forces clues you in to their lingo. WE’LL DO IT LIVE “A phrase from Bill O’Reilly describing a mission we’re given very little information about.” VIKING NIGHT “A night where our combat element goes out and parties like Vikings.” ROLL TIDE “We trained in Alabama and adopted this as our go phrase for jumping out of planes and all kinds of combat settings.” CHERRY “Derogatory term for a new guy, normally heard as ‘cherry bitch.’”…

Here’s how NICK BEST, 2010 All-American Strongman Challenge champ, preps for competition. Gentlemen, start your hernias! DAY 1: Lower Body LEG PRESS I’ll press anywhere between 1,700 and 2,000 pounds, and try to do one set of 20 to 30 reps. SCISSOR SQUATS Balance the weight bar between your biceps and forearm, then hold your hands to where your throat is. Squat down until the bar hits your legs, then stand back up. I’ll warm up with 135 pounds for seven reps and gradually increase by 90 pounds until I’m at 600 pounds, and try to get up to four reps. RACK PULL With the bar at your knees, pull it up to where you’re in the last position on a dead lift. I’ll do 12 reps at 900 pounds,…

Sony W Series Sports Walkman Most gym-ready headphones are designed to suffer through the sweatiest of workouts (as demonstrated by Hometown Hottie Bobbie Grei), but these Lochte-friendly earbuds can even take a dunk in the lap pool. But don’t dive in yet: Their built-in MP3 player lets you keep your iPhone tucked safely away in your locker next to your spare jockstrap. $100, store.sony.com Scosche Boombottle Your water bottle may keep you hydrated while pedaling the pavement, but does it keep you groovin’? This shock-absorbent Bluetooth wireless speaker, which booms for up to 10 hours, will. $150, scosche.com OD-11 Cloud Speaker With a sound processor, wi-fi receiver, and 100-watt amp, the OD-11 is a compact cube of audio goodness. Playing music streamed from the cloud, this wireless speaker rocks tunes…

illustrations by STEVEN NOBLE PROBLEM NO. 1 How do I destroy my stench? Not all sweat is created equal, and not all of it stinks. Susan J. Biehle-Hulette, senior scientist at Procter & Gamble, explains that sweat from physical activity is 99 percent water and basically scentless, while sweat from stress is 20 percent protein that feeds bacteria, which makes you smell like a petri dish. Stressful! SOLUTION • A deodorant will minimize body stink, but not sweat. Reduce sweat by choosing a product labeled as an antiperspirant, a designation strictly regulated by the FDA for efficacy. • Reduce your smelliness by trimming or shaving body hair. “That’s why women don’t have as much body odor as men,” Biehle-Hulette explains. • Dry off thoroughly before applying underarm antiperspirants and deodorants…

GLAM, SLAM, THANK-YOU JAMS KE$HA Any gal who brushes her teeth with Jack knows a thing or two about throwing down. 1 Welcome to My Nightmare Alice Cooper I like to call Alice “Dad.” He was my hero; now we’re friends, which is probably the best thing about being famous. His look is hot as shit, and no one is more rock or suits snakes and makeup better than Alice! 2 Walk on the Wild Side Lou Reed This song is not only close to perfect—it’s also a beautiful celebration of the weird, the wild, and the wonderful that inspires me. 3 Sweet Home Alabama Lynyrd Skynyrd Skynyrd is another band that reminds me of home. One of the greatest songs ever! 4 Love Is Like Oxygen Sweet Utterly amazing…

What drew you to a relatively explosion-free movie like Pain & Gain right after making Transformers: Dark of the Moon? People go, “Oh, this is his passion project.” It’s not my passion project. It’s just a cool project that was sitting on my shelf. I liked that the point of the movie is people are unhappy with what they’ve got. And it’s fun to watch dumb criminals. It takes place in Miami around the time you shot your first feature, Bad Boys. What was it like running around Miami in the ’90s with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence? It was fun, but I was a young, nervous director. Don Simpson, Jerry Bruckheimer’s partner, came in the day before I started shooting Bad Boys, and he said, “Jerry, we’re taking our…

Think Sin City doesn’t need sexing up? We disagree, so we gave 13 already gorgeous locals the Maxim treatment. We bet you’ll enjoy. Congrats! How was the casting? There was great energy, and it was completely different than any I’ve been to before in terms of the fun factor. Do you spend all your time modeling? I actually work as a hairstylist in San Diego, but I make the trip to Vegas almost every month. You must be quite the party girl! Well, I went to school at the University of Nevada, so a lot of my girlfriends are here. How do you girls spend a night out? I love going to the night club at Tao; they definitely throw the best pool parties. Any tips for guys trying to…

Kevin James may have been the King of Queens, but the big guy’s way-out-of-his-league wife was the one we really worshiped. As tough-talking Carrie Heffernan, Leah Remini reigned over our TV sets from 1998 to 2007. Carrie didn’t take any guff from her chubby hubby, but Leah gladly took off her clothing for Stuff magazine, Maxim’s late, great baby bro, for this sizzling cover shoot. Now she’s back on the small screen on ABC’s Family Tools playing another smart-mouthed hottie. Leah, you can sass us anytime!…

This month we received Evi by Aneros, a “hands-free Kegel exerciser anatomically designed to ft all women.” That’s right: Someone sent us a barbell for cooters. Now, we don’t have a vagina, but if we did, we’re sure it would be big and strong, not some pansy-assed front fanny that needs to tone up with an exercise dong. So forgive us for being offended, but we like to think of our imaginary lady parts as the Arnold Schwarzenegger of vaginas. Go pump up someone else’s V. $70, aneros.com…

Got a hankering for Mexican food but too lazy to get up? Have the BURRITO BOMBERS air-drop a floury tube of meat directly on your home! We’ll know the robot apocalypse has begun when we’re being taken out by surgical strikes of neatly wrapped Mexican food. A group of engineers from Darwin Aerospace, Yelp.com’s research lab, wants to air-drop burritos on you using drones similar to those deployed in war—complete with the fiery destruction (from your butt). The FAA hasn’t approved the use of commercial drones, so the whole thing isn’t exactly legal yet. But if it does gain approval, expect to be dodging terminal-velocity burritos shortly after 2015.…

So how do you want to leave this world? Quickly, with a minimum of fuss and no warning, perhaps hit by a meteor or something. Although I suppose that defeats the whole “24 Hours to Live” thing. OK, so I’d like someone to inject me with a 24-hours-to-live serum, which makes you forget why you’re living your life like it’s your last day on Earth and then switches you of painlessly after 24 hours of rambunctious fun. Do you have any deathbed confessions? I definitely didn’t have enough group sex. You’re reprising your role as Scotty in the new Star Trek movie. If you could beam yourself anywhere in the universe, where would you go? That’s a daft question, because I have no idea what exists beyond the planet Earth.…

Maxim teamed with Xbox to give fans something extra for their Judgment enjoyment: Maps! You can download “Haven” now. Get Chills! Say hello to Haven. A former tropical oasis turned icy wasteland, the only thing left of Haven’s former glory is a bombed-out monastery and an aqueduct that now spits out ice cubes. Get Thrills! Here snipers can prey on the slower, dumber members of your team. Don’t be that guy. Grab a weapon on the outskirts of the map and head to the center to hold down the fort with your squad. Get Kills! Sight lines are largely unobstructed on Haven; if you can see your enemy, they can see you too. The focal point of Haven will make for some balls-out runs during games of Domination.…

MICHELADA DE MAYO “Micheladas are a classic, easy-drinking Mexican cocktail,” says Anderson. “Plus, they go great with food.” And, hangovers. • 1 oz. michelada sauce* • ¾ oz. freshly squeezed lime juice • 1 bottle lager beer, such as Dos Equis Add michelada sauce (recipe follows) and lime juice to a glass and pour in beer. Add two to three ice cubes. Garnish with a lime wedge dipped in chili salt. Michelada Sauce • 2 garlic cloves • 1 red onion, quartered • 4 small ripe red vine tomatoes, chopped • 1 can chipotles in adobo sauce • Juice of 1 lime • 1/2 cup pomegranate juice • 1.4 cup cilantro Heat first four ingredients in a saucepan. Transfer to food processor. Add remaining ingredients; blend until smooth. Visit maxim.com…

O.G. moonwalker BUZZ ALDRIN and the Axe Apollo Space Academy are sending lucky guys into space. Here’s how to live it up if you go way out. 1 Bring Some Snacks “During an hour-long suborbital flight, you won’t have time for a meal. It’s just you and the pilot, so bring snacks like M&M’s that you can play with. But during the cruise back to landing, go for some coconut ice cream. That would be my favorite.” 2 Have Some Bubbly “Cocktails are tricky since you have to mix the fluids, which would form into spheres and float away. But you can follow them and try to catch them in your mouth, like whale sharks do. (I’m familiar with them because I hitched a ride on one.)” 3 Invite the…

Hey, funny guy, stand-up vet BRIAN REGAN tells you how to rock the Late Show. 1 Be Prepared “I start working on my set two or three months out. The first five minutes of my live shows are what I hope my spot will be.” 2 But Not Too Prepared “You don’t want to do it to the point that you have sucked all the funny out of it.” 3 Let Someone Else Dress You “I utilize the Letterman wardrobe person, because she knows what looks great on TV and I don’t.” 4 Go Short “They say you get four and a half minutes, but I think of it as four minutes and 15 seconds. I value quality over quantity.” 5 Don’t Expect to Meet Dave “The only time I’ve…

For 16 years CHRIS “GUNNY” GUNNARSON and his Snow Park Technologies team have circled the globe building sick terrain parks for top athletes. Here’s how to make serious cash shoveling snow—even in spring! TAKE PLAN B Andrew Erath: “If you can’t be a pro athlete, get into this. Most of the guys at SPT were or wanted to be professional snowboarders or skiers. With this job you still get to have that lifestyle of working on the slopes and riding during your downtime.” TAKE IT EASY Gunny: “It’s been said that we shape frozen water so people can play on plastic toys, and that’s true. It’s awesome to have a job traveling the world—through the States in winter to New Zealand in summer—making people happy with things you have built.”…

Callaway XHot Driver They say drive for show, putt for dough. Well, we’ve given up on putting, so we got the XHot. The titanium head is adjustable to counteract your banana slice, and the springy “Speed Frame” face gives your drives extra pop. $300, callawaygolf.com Club Glove FCO III Golf Bag A Bentley among golf bags, the super-durable, water-resistant FCO III has nine pockets (two hidden) to neatly sort your balls, tees, rain gear, keys, cigars, booze, dream journals…and it’s constructed of simulated elephant-skin vinyl! $279, clubglove.com GolfSense 3D Swing Analysis System It’s like taking lessons without a pro snickering behind your back. Download the app to your iPhone, iPad, or Android device, attach a module to your glove, and you get a rotatable 3D display of your swing, tons…

photographs by STEPHAN WÜRTH IN our hearts Ashley Tisdale will always be Sharpay Evans, the pink-wearing drama-queen teen from High School Musical. (She’s our spirit animal.) But in case you haven’t noticed, Ashley has shed her Disney image in spectacular fashion. On April 12 she’s taking the lead in Scary Movie V, a reboot of the franchise that spoofs recent frightening films, including Black Swan, Paranormal Activity, and the scariest of them all, Madea’s Witness Protection. We had a chat with Ashley about what freaks her out, turns her on, and rotates her chicken. (It’s the Ronco Rotisserie!) High School Musical fans are a…passionate bunch. What’s the craziest thing someone has done? Once I Instagrammed a picture of me waking up, and the next day this older gentleman came to…

Photographs by Ture Lillegraven It’s a chilly Monday night in L.A., and as our red Cadillac cruises down Sunset Boulevard, what started as a fun night out with the artist once and forever known as Snoop takes a decidedly scary turn. “I’ma switchblade your fuckin’ ass!” yells the driver. “Shut the fuck up!” His name is Joe Cool, and unfortunately the guy he’s talking to is me. The guy sitting next to me is Snoop. That Snoop. The Snoop who was born Calvin Broadus Jr. and has gone variously by “Doggy Dogg” (’90s), “Dogg” (aughts), and “Lion” (present day). Snoop seems to be enjoying the situation. Me? Not so much. The night begins significantly less stabbily, as team Maxim heads out into the SoCal night with Snoop, Snoop’s entourage, and…

There are people who like Khaleesi and her dragons. And then there are people who really, really like Khaleesi and her dragons. Welcome to the world of medieval LARPing. Photographs by Rebecca Greenfield Beneath a low November sun, two armies of men outfitted with chain mail, kite-shaped shields, and horsehair-tufted helmets squint from opposite ends of a muddy pasture. The assemblages, each of which boasts more than 100 warriors, bristle with 10-foot spears and wooden clubs. With a collective roar, they charge over stone walls and dry brambles and collide with the violent clatter of weapons upon armor. Then the frenzy stops. All watch in silence while a fallen combatant crawls slowly from the scrum to sprawl on a grassy embankment nearby. As the battle resumes, the injured fighter removes…

Believe it or not, we love her for more than just her hands. NAME Atalita BIRTHDAY October 17 HOMETOWN São Paulo, Brazil GO-TO DRINK Champagne TRADEMARK DISH “My special Brazilian crab cakes are my own favorite food!” BIGGEST TURN-ONS “Honesty and surprises.” What massage technique do you specialize in? It’s a spin on the deep-tissue method, so I applied a lot of pressure with the employees here. When it comes to a massage, there’s no need to be gentle. Looks like you had plenty of patients today. Yes, they were all complaining about having a lot of tension, but when I got to them it became obvious that some of the guys really only wanted to take advantage of a free massage. It’s a pretty good bet that many of…

Some readers send us jokes. Some send a lot of jokes. And then there’s PATRICK WALKER, who sends shit-tons of ’em. Our chief content officer gave him a call. DAN: You’ve sent in quite a few jokes in the past year. Are you a comedian? PATRICK: No, I’m a police officer in London. A lot of jokes are inspired by what I see on the job. Example, please. I was on a street lined with shuttered businesses, except for the bookmakers. So I started thinking, “Hear the one about the fairy, the leprechaun, and the impoverished book maker? Don’t be stupid, man—there’s no such thing as a poor bookie!” Has anyone ever accused your jokes of being crimes? Ha! Some do. Once I stopped a motorist, and he said I…

Gizmos that will take your long-distance relationship to the next creepy level. Hand-holding Squeeze DoCo-Mo’s Taion Heart and it sends your grip via Bluetooth to your lady’s gadget, which matches your pressure, vibrates with your pulse, and even glows. It’s like holding hands on ecstasy. Smooching The Kissenger is a pair of bizarre plastic heads with motion-sensitive silicone lips that, when plugged into your computer’s USB, sends kisses from one to the other. Slip it some tongue and feel sparks! S-E-X! LovePalz lets you do it via smartphone and two de-vices (one on his wiener, one up her hoo-ha) that transmit your thrusts via wi-fi and air pumps. Congrats: You just got laid in the most depressing way possible!…

Cheech & Chong’s Animated Movie is out on DVD on April 23. Here the great TOMMY CHONG gives the stoner treatment to classic animated films. Spoiler: They lived highly ever after. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs “I wouldn’t have Snow White bite into the apple; I would have her smoke into a bong. And the dwarfs, they’re the growers. When they’re off to work, they go work in a grow tunnel, where they’re growing Acapulco Gold. Sleepy’s a downer freak, Doc is into prescription drugs, Happy’s a pothead, Sneezy’s a coke freak. Who else? Dopey, uh, let’s make Dopey the booze head. Grumpy is the guy in rehab. Bashful goes to raves and takes ecstasy. In the end Snow White discovers she’s gay and ends up with her own…

She has graced the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue twice and lives forever in our dreams. April 3 marked the second anniversary of the “Teach Me How to Dougie” YouTube video that launched you into the mainstream. How about we declare April 3 Kate Upton Day? Any day that someone wants to make Kate Upton Day, I’m a fan. I’m all about it! How did the video come to be? I was just out having a good time at a game, and my friend caught it, and now all this. I never knew it was going to become “The Dougie.” Are you ever worried that someone will film you doing something less flattering? Of course. Because I’m always doing something embarrassing on set. I’m just like, “Please don’t…

—Robert G. Schreib Jr. Because “Fat Tony” sounds way more intimidating than “Svelte Steve.” Actually, Mob Wives star Carla Facciolo has another thought. “They love to eat good!” says Facciolo. “Especially the Italian ones—boy, do they like to throw down. And the wine doesn’t help, either!” Hey, if we were stuck working in the waste-management industry, we’d be treating ourselves to gabagool and ziti every night, too. Why do I see crazy patterns of colors when I push down on my closed eyes? —Kristen A. Skerry That’s entoptic phenomena. “You’re deforming the retina and changing the activity of cells in the back of your eyes that gather light and send those signals to the brain,” explains ophthalmologist Stephen Slade. “The blood and oxygen supply is also affected, causing hallucinations.” It’s…

You’ll need: • 1 plastic ballpoint pen • Clear tape • Safety glasses • Hobby knife • Scissors • Hot-glue gun • 3"x3" sticky notes • Small metal pins 1 Disassemble the plastic ballpoint pen into its various components. 2 Fold the sticky note in half, then fold it again to create four stacked squares. Unfold it and use the creases as your cut lines, leaving four 1½-inch squares. Roll each one into a cone and hold it together with a small piece of tape. 3 Strap on your safety goggles and push a pin through the back of each cone with the point protruding. Dab a small amount of hot glue inside the cone to hold the pin in place. 4 Stuff the dart into the pen housing, the…

Café Martorano chef STEVE MARTORANO teaches you how to build a ball to rule them all. MIX IT 1. Mix together 3 oz. each of ground veal, beef, and pork. Whisk a large egg and add it to the meat mixture. Season with fresh black pepper, salt, granulated garlic powder, fresh Italian parsley, ½ cup Parmigiano-Reggiano, and ¼ cup Italian-style bread crumbs. 2. Break up a quarter-loaf of day-old Italian bread. Soak the bread in warm water until soft, then squeeze all the excess water out. Combine the bread with the meat mixture and roll the ultimate 9 oz. ball. FRY IT Here’s the secret to a great meatball: Don’t bake or steam it—you have to fry it. Fill half a deep pan with vegetable oil and make sure it’s…

After nearly 40 years, JAGUAR roars back into the sports-car game with the slick new F-Type. Hold on to your crumpets. Things were different in 1974. Guys shimmied to Charo, not Shakira. TV audiences watched M*A*S*H, not Smash. And Jaguar produced its last E-Type, the speedy two-seater widely considered the most beautiful car ever built. Well, that time is gone, but luckily the Jag’s back. Ian Callum, the company’s design director, explains, “If you look at the history of Jaguar, it’s all about two-seater sports cars. I’m glad we’re finally back there.” The aluminum-bodied roadster has a folding soft top and three available engines. (Our favorite is a supercharged V-8 that produces 495 horses.) An eight-speed automatic shifts far faster than you ever could, which helps bring the 0–60 time…

Has a pretty lady ever told you that you’d get more action if you trimmed things up a bit? Well, she was most likely talking about your unruly lawn edges. The three-in-one WORX 20V Max Lithium 2.0 GT Trimmer-Edger-Mini-Mower is lightweight, easy to use, and has a super-long battery life, so getting your yard looking as sharp as Andre 3000’s facial hair should be a breeze. And remember, if you keep the grass neatly groomed, your lawn ornaments will look way bigger. $120, worxyardtools.com…

Photographs by JAMES MACARI In Pain & Gain Michael Bay sets aside warring robots and hot babes for criminal bodybuilders and…well, actually, he kept the hot babes. Enter Bar Paly. This Russian-Israeli stunner steals the show from Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and Mark Wahlberg while filling the heels of former “Bay girls” Megan Fox and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, leaving us to ask, “Optimus who?” How was the shoot? A lot of fun, and I got a workout! I was in six-inch heels on a treadmill. That’s a workout. I don’t care what people say. Pain & Gain is about a couple of bodybuilders who get involved in a kidnapping plot that goes awry. Have you had any run-ins with the law? Why would I tell the world about my illegal enterprises?…

Dumped (Literally) When Brenda Schumann found her estranged husband in bed with another woman last December, she reacted with the dignity and grace of a rabid chimpanzee. Police say the 51-year-old Florida woman, armed with a rifle, barged in screaming, “I’ll fucking kill you both!” Her hubby wrestled the gun from her hands, but that didn’t stop her from firing the ammo from her bladder: First she peed in the hallway; then, for good measure, she took a shit on the kitchen floor—right before allegedly destroying everything in the house. Her defense to the police? “I found him in bed with a naked chick. What was I supposed to do?” Certainly you didn’t expect her to rage-poop in a toilet?! A Cut Below Three’s a crowd when you live with…

2013 Hometown Hotties finalist PERSEPHANIE LESPERANCE is now taking your questions. What’s one place not to take a girl on vacation? —Jordan Sutton Grandma’s house! Taking her to meet your family isn’t a vacation. How can I tell if the cake my girlfriend served me is really homemade? —Kyle Dunn If the frosting is impeccable and the layers are completely even, it’s not her handiwork. Dump her immediately. What’s a good second language to learn? —Scott May Go with French. It’s a lot hotter than a guy speaking high school Spanish. How do I get over my fear of caterpillars? —Max Green That’s ridiculous. Visit a butterfly sanctuary and you’ll see that there’s nothing to be afraid of. How many times can I wear the same pants before washing them?…

P.14: Houston, STR New/Reuters; bin Laden, Rahi-mullah Yousafzai/AP Photo; LMFAO, Luke MacGregor/Reuters; al-Assad, Benoit Tessier/Reuters; swim gear, iStockphoto; Jong Il, Yonhap/AFP/Getty Images p.16: Fast Five, Pictorial Press Ltd/Alamy p.20: Kate Upton, Accessorize/Splash News p.23: Devendorf, Jim McIsaac/Getty Images; cow, iStockphoto; flowers, Greg Vote/Corbis; chicken, Superstock; confetti, Getty Images p.26: Little Man, Sony Pictures/Everett Collection; for sale sign, Andersen-Ross/Corbis; moon, iStockphoto; TV remote, iStockphoto p.27: Beyonce and Jay-Z, Lucy Nicholson/Reuters; Leprechaun, Jeff Haynes/Reuters p.29: Moonscape, Detlev van Raenswaay/Getty Images; disco ball, iStockphoto; Pamela Anderson, Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images; female astronaut, iStockPhoto; champagne bottle, Martin Poole/Getty Images; boombox, Ocean/Corbis; glass of beer, iStockphoto; Buzz Aldrin, RJ Capak/WireImage; astronaut suit, Art Directors & Trip/Alamy; party blower, iStockphoto; astronaut glove, Jack Ambrose/Getty Images; M&M, iStockPhoto. p.30: Regan, Steve Snowden/Getty Images; Letterman, Carolyn Kaster/Corbis; soldier,…