Table of contents for October 2024 in Viz

letters@viz.co.uk toptips@viz.co.uk □ WHILST punditing on an England match at this year’s Euros, Alan Shearer said of a player that “he’s opened his body up and made the pitch bigger.” I’ve been involved in football for forty years, but try as I might, I just cannot understand what that means. If any of your readers, or indeed Alan himself, could throw any light on it, I would be very interested. Stan Vanderbildt, Luton □ AS AN owner of two dogs, I think it is very unfair that they are often described as shit machines. They also piss on things and bark all the fucking time as well. Eldon Furse, email □ ACCORDING to reports, scientists have developed a drug which increases the life expectancy of mice, making them live 25% longer.…

X Owner ELON MUSK has been in the news recently, accused of raising the temperature and inflaming tensions during the recent riots in the UK. But his actions have divided people. Many think that he is a complete TWAT for re-tweeting racist misinformation put out by far right activist Tommy Robinson. However, many others think that taking to his own platform to increase the pressure in an already tense situation makes him an absolute BELL END. So we want to know what YOU think Elon Musk is. Phone in to have your say on whether you think he is a TWAT or a BELL END. Text TWAT or BELL END to 01 811 8055. TWAT 01 811 8055 BELL END 01 811 8055 Text votes will be charged at God knows…

SINCE the dawn of man, philosophers, theologians and scientists have wrestled with three big questions. The first – Why are we here? The second – is there a God? And the third, and arguably most important – Which is the Best J.D. out of J.D. Vance, J.D. Salinger and J.D. Sports? The so-called thinkers have failed in their quest for truth, so we’ve decided it’s high time someone FINALLY got off their arse and provided a concrete answer to these questions, or that last one at least. To that end, we’ve pitted the US Vice Presidential nominee, iconic Catcher in the Rye author and popular British sports-fashion retail chain against one another in a head-to-head-to-head battle to find out once and for all which is the planet’s favourite. After centuries…

THE Queen Mum will not be the first person to come back from the dead – the internet is full of news of people who the world believed to have died, but were actually still alive. Here, Fortean Times editor TIM FOILHAT gives us the rundown on a selection of famous individuals who are actually still alive! Elvis Presley THE KING of Pop is supposed to have ‘died’ in 1977, but all right thinking people agree this ‘fact’ is up for debate. Nobody has been able to explain photographs of Presley lying in state showing his skin glowing, almost as if it were a wax dummy in the casket. Neither have they been able to explain why a life insurance policy taken out with Lloyds was never cashed in, which…

“DON’T pay to have your gutters cleared or trees pruned - hire a cherry picker and DO IT YOURSELF! Hiring one of my scissor platform cherry pickers or articulating boom lifts to operate yourself is cheaper than you think! And with reach heights of 10 to 40 metres, there’s no job you can’t tackle.” Madge “I ordered a 20m scissor lift to do a crown reduction on a sycamore tree that was shading next door’s greenhouse. Madonna brought it round herself and showed me how to operate it safely, all whilst wearing a pointy-titted basque, and the gusset of her knickers pulled right up. And I mean right up! All for a fraction of the price it would have cost to get a tree surgeon.” Mr H, Derby “My gutters were full of bird…

“Forgive the interruption to the Letterbocks page, but I would just like to express my gratitude to all of you who signed up to receive my five weekly e-mail newsletter. The first one has been dispatched, and I sincerely hope that all its recipients found it interesting, informative and entertaining. In these addresses I shall give my thoughts on current affairs, societal events and other matters of the day, as well as keeping you abreast of news from Viz Comic and Fulchester Industries. If you would like to join the select group of readers who are privy to my musings, simply pop your mouse along to the website at https://subscribe.viz.co.uk/sign-up There are no pre-requirements or intrusive medical questions. Simply enter your email address and you are guaranteed to be accepted.…

THE technology and pop worlds collided at the Earl’s Court HardwareExpo ’24 last week when popstar ‘H’ OUT OF STEPS announced to a packed auditorium that he was developing a new USB connection protocol – USB-H! The one-time Brit Award nominee then went on to explain how the new data exchange and powering system would revolutionise the way that we think about cabling ‘into the 23rd Century and beyond’. “I was sitting in a cafe, transferring some pictures from my laptop to an external hard drive, when I looked down at the ugly white cable end stuck into my PC and thought ‘imagine it had an ‘H’ on it…’”, the Scared of the Dark star told conference attendees. “From then on, my mind went into overdrive considering the possibilities. If…

IT may just be fake news, an attempt at scaremongery, a bit of disinformation created by an AI bot and launched on the internet by the likes of Elon Musk in order to foment fear and panic and sow the seeds of division. But on the other hand, the government’s latest crackpot plan to achieve net zero at any cost may be true. But whichever it is, would YOU wear a windmill on your head? We asked the stars whether or not they would be prepared to strap a turbine on their noggin. Janette Krankie, schoolboy impersonator PERSONALLY, I would not wear one. The amount of electricity generated from a wind turbine is exponentially proportional to the size of the blade, with 40m and 15m blades generating 1.8MW and 300 kW…

The first 6 correct competition entries tugged out of Roger’s email sack will win a hand-drawn sketch of Roger Mellie. Please email a photo of your entry to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject. The first correct entry out of the electronic sack on FRIDAY 27TH SEPTEMBER will win a CHEQUE for £50.00, a HAND-DRAWN SKETCH OF ROGER MELLIE and a VIZ CHEAP PEN. The next 5 entries win the Roger sketch and pen, but not the money. If you want a pen for nothing, send us a large letter stamp and it’s yours. NOTE: We are no longer accepting crossword entries by post.…

THE Olympic Games in Paris are over. For two weeks, the world watched as athletes at the peak of their game competed in the most famous sporting tournament in the world. And the magic of the Olympics has inspired Viz readers to write in and share their thoughts on the 2024 Games. □ WATCHING the triathlon cycling, I am dismayed to see a total disregard for the highway code and a lack of road awareness. The cyclists were racing across junctions, clearly breaking speed limits and simply ignoring red lights. It seems like there’s one set of rules for normal riders and another for elite Olympic triathletes. No wonder cyclists get a bad name. Johnny Browneye, Bramhope □ I THOROUGHLY enjoyed watching this year’s games from Paris. The skill, the athleticism and…

FLY COMPETITION The lucky winner of last issue’s Fly Competition is Viz reader Clive Mead from Luton. Clive wins a antastic, intricately detailed 1:1 scale model of two flies in flight, an heirloom which, although it will increase in value, we are sure will stay in the Mead family, being passed down through the generations in perpetuity. £2000 DREAM HOLIDAY COMPETITION The lucky winner of our £2000 Dream Holiday Competition is Viz reader John Harcourt from Gravesend. John wins a 1lb block of £2000-holiday-dream-inducing extra mature Cheddar, an heirloom which, although it will increase in value, we are sure will stay in the Harcourt family, being passed down through the generations in perpetuity.…

RASCALS from £5 hour TRANSITS from £10 hour LUTONS from £15 hour JUST LOOK at Mick’s lip-smackin’ deals! RUBY TUESDAYS - all LWB high roofs only £50 per day! LET’S SPEND THE (SATURDAY) NIGHT TOGETHER - All vans just £100 for the whole weekend! Simply pick up Friday night, return before 10am Monday.* *Tuesday before noon’s fine ‘SATISFACTION’ GUARANTEED! “I hired a van and couldn’t get it back in time and Sir Mick couldn’t of been more helpful. He cycled out to my house to pick it up and didn’t charge me any extra. Now that’s what I call service!” Mrs G, Hunstanton CALL ANY TIME DAY OR NIGHT! 01-811-8055 (5 Lines - we always pick up!) Mick Jagger’s Street Fightin’ VAN HIRE…

Dear Professor Fuck, THE OTHER day I produced a turd of such symmetrical perfection that as I glanced down to bid it farewell I involuntarily saluted it. I’m not a military man so can you please tell me what this might be called in your lexicon? Tom, Highgate If you refer to page 489 of Viz’s brand new 765-page Roger’s Profanisaurus – Turtleshead Revisited (in the shops September 5th but already available for pre-order at bookshops, you-know-where, and other places too), you will see the following definition: ‘parade ground poo n. A William Pitt of such magnitude that the only fitting response is to hang a bumrag flag on it and salute as it passes out of the chod-bin.’…

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