Table of contents for November 2023 in Viz

Viz comic, P.O.Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ letters@viz.co.uk Your correspondence to VIZ editor Hampton Doubleday STAR LETTER IF THE Multiverse theory is correct, and there is indeed an infinite number of parallel universes, then there must be one in which fish and chips is served the other way round, where you get one massive chip and lots of little tiny fish. Well, I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life! I think I’ll stick with this universe, thank-you very much. Ben Nunn, Caterham WHAT’S all this ‘wafer thin ham’ about? Why would it being wafer thin make me want to buy it? I’m not going to say “Yes, I’d love a ham sandwich, but make sure the ham is so thin that I’ll have to put four…

MP’s Day is your chance to say ‘Thank You’ to your MP for simply being there for you. Choose from our wide range of parliamentary cards and gifts to send to that special Member of Parliament. And if you really want to show how much you care, take a look at our exclusive range of MP’s Day gifts. TESTIMONIALS “Last year I was evicted from my flat with no notice because my landlord wanted to sell up. My MP said he would look into it for me when he got back off holiday. So I bought him a mug to show my appreciation.” Edna Crumbs, London “I send my MP an MPs Day card to his home in North Yorkshire every year to show my appreciation of his hard work.…

NORMAL hats are sized so that the inner circumference of the brim is the same as the circumference of the head. When pushed on, the hat is held in place by the force of gravity pulling down and frictional forces between the inner brim and the scalp. But how does a hat that is ridiculously small stay on your bonce? We asked small hat expert, DR MINI PETASUM. “Tiny Burlesque hats will sit quite directly on top of any head without any problem, as long as you walk slowly,” she told us. “However, for maximum effect, they are best worn at a jaunty angle to one side of the head, and as such need fixing in some way. Lets look at the three most common ways to secure a burlesque hat…”…

FROM solving a Rubik’s Cube to humans landing on the Moon, history is peppered with feats which, despite all evidence pointing to their veracity, some people still find hard to believe. But what of the remarkable playground stories we were told by mates that seemed too incredible to be true? Can age and hindsight shine any light on their authenticity? Viz asked four A-list celebs to share their most unbelievable school friends’ facts that time has yet to disprove. Sting, bellend lutist THERE was a kid at my school who told me that his dad was a special sort of policeman who was given a type of uniform coated in a secret chemical that allowed him to walk through walls. I didn’t believe him until I asked to see it and…

A CHELMSFORD man has revealed how his lifewas turned upside down last week because of the behaviour of former Royal couple Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. And despite their promise to step back from public life, Hector Bilgetank says the fifth in line to the throne and his wife have caused him to burn his toast. “I put some bread in the toaster this morning, and then I popped into the other room to get my phone,” said Bilgetank. “The toaster is bust and doesn’t pop up, so you have to keep your eye on it, but I was on the case.” “I couldn’t find my phone, and then I remembered that it was upstairs, so I nipped to get it,” the former school caretaker said. “Suddenly I smelt burning from…

SOUR-FACED reality TV boss Lord Sugar has finally revealed to the public that he is unable to drop his morning toast butter-side-up. For years, the outspoken The Apprentice businessman has kept quiet about his breakfast dropping shortfall, fuelling rumours amongst the hit show’s fanbase that he might occasionally get to recover fumbled slices of his toasted morning treat from the floor and continue eating them. However, House of Lords absentee Sugar put an end to speculation on Monday in a tweet to his followers which read simply, “Alright! I admit it. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t do it. My twatting toast always lands face down!” “It’s got so bad recently that I realise that it’s pointless trying to hide it from people any more. You can…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk Albert dock 1. n. Famous Liverpool maritime location named in honour of the Victorian Prince Consort’s ironmongery-bedecked bellend, from where Richard and Judy used to do their show; now a lively shopping and food district. 2. n. Possibly made-up s*xual act whereby a chap’s pierced lid is tucked inside a pal’s fiveskin. Alice Roberts’ nails, as dirty as euph. Descriptive of a lady who is mostly posh and well spoken but also a bit mucky. From the pulchritudinous BBC4 palaeopathologist. attack of the vapours 1. n. Nervous state or hysterical fainting fit that might overcome a Victorian woman or Ann Widdecombe after inadvertently catching sight of a piano leg. 2. n. Being blindsided by a fart so vile it causes one to collapse on to a chaise longue like Valeria in Wilkie…

Sign up today and just wait for the fireworks to begin!™ Simply fill in the kind of thing you are looking for for your Bonfire Night date: I’m (tick one) ☐ called Penny ☐ called Guy and I’m looking for… ☐ Sense of humour ☐ Attractive ☐ Fun Loving ☐ Intellectual ☐ Toffee apples ☐ Baked potatoes Which fireworks would you like on your date? ☐ Roman candles ☐ Catherine Wheels ☐ Sparlkers ☐ Bangers ☐ Air bombs Strictly ONLY for people called Penny or Guy Please send this completed form and a fiver in cash to: Penny for the Guy Dating Service, Unit 89d, Industrial Estate, The Docks, Fulchester Or, if you’d prefer, fill in the form and send us your card details on our website: penny-4-the-guy.co.uk Testimonials “I…

GREAT REASONS TO SUBSCRIBE! TO SUBSCRIBE! Choose one of the following: OPTION 1: A free issue of Viz with your 6-month subscription.* OPTION 2: A free Viz superhero mug with your 6-month subscription.* ORDER ONLINE TODAY AT shop.viz.co.uk/viz330p OR CALL 020 8752 8195 OR EMAIL hello@metropolis.co.uk QUOTING THE OFFER CODE VIZ330p *Offer valid on a 6-month DD subscription only. If you wish to cancel the direct debit offer, please contact us via phone or email. Both offers and gifts are only valid to the new UK customers, one per household and while stocks last. valid to the new UK customers, one per household and while stocks last.…

BY VIZ UNDERCOVER REPORTER MAHATMA MACAROON ASK any decent, non-traitorous Brit what their favourite day of the year that isn’t St George’s Day is, and the response will always be the same: Bonfire Night. Every November 5th is a patriotic carnival of high-flying pyrotechnics, glittering sparklers, scrumptious baked potatoes and cheeky human effigies roasting on green and pleasant bonfires. What’s not to love? Sadly, EVERYTHING, according to the joyless, left-leaning celebs who are hell bent on taking over our country. Year in, year out, members of the showbiz Wokerati descend moblike from their ivory towers to launch pearl-clutching attacks on every aspect of our Great British Bonfire Night traditions. Whether it’s ‘elfn-safety’ pen-pushers insisting we wear protective goggles to launch our rockets, PC red-tape merchants whining about the fireworks frightening hamsters,…

THE 99th National Bread Cookery Awards were held last night at the Hilton Hotel in London, and as ever, TOAST scooped the top award as the nation’s favourite way of cooking bread. It was thought by some that 2023 could have seen the crunchy snack voted off the top spot for the first time since the awards began, as top chefs experiment with other ways of cooking the staple foodstuff. But whilst fried bread, croutons and traditional bread and butter have gained in popularity recently, judges held firm and voted toast the tops for the 99th consecutive year. “It’s a great achievement to lift the award once again,” said chairman of the British Toast Consortium, Hector Twelves. “Since 1924, toasting has proved the nation’s favourite way of cooking bread, and next…

DO YOU fancy a couple of slices of toast, but can’t be arsed to go to the kitchen to make it? Well don’t worry, because you can have two slices of delicious toast done exactly as you like it and delivered to your door – if you are the lucky winner of our Toast Word Ladder competition. HOW TO ENTER: Simply change the word BREAD to TOAST in as few steps as you can, changing one letter at a time to make another word. According to the internet, there’s a 19-step solution, and a 7-step solution, but the 7-step includes words we’ve never heard of, like BREES, BRAST and BLEST. Simply fill in the form with your answer and toast choice and post it off to: Toast Word Ladder Puzzle,…

No. 330 Set by Anus Across 7/8 Inventive idea, contemplation of coitus interruptus? (8,7,3,3) 9 Bourneville Boulevard tcartxe? (4,7) 10 One fine being taken from behind - something fishy? (3) 11 Push to the rear of someone you previous fucked, say (7) 13 Follower bitter having been prodded by shaft (7) 15 Beware, big hole! (4) 17 Gobble artist (5) 18 Let it be inspired by incest, ethics (4) 21 Crap muzak about right with a dance (7) 22 Fortify duck in wank with chicken (7) 24 Vase 16 down’s fucking big character discussed? (3) 26 Piece surrounded by death in shit musical (3,4,3,1) 28 All people really covered in semen, or host spattered (5,7,3) Down 1 Minor blow, wind (6) 2 Captain finds something fishy at bottom of knickers,…

IN the wake of the bankruptcy announced by Birmingham City Council last month, residents of nearby Stourbridge feared their local council could suffer the same fate. Worries grew after it was announced that council tax payments are to be used to buy all residents of the town a LITTLE HAT. Announcing the plan, councillors confirmed that inevitably certain services will have to be cut, including refuse collection, street cleaning and closure of the town’s library. But officials were adamant that giving everyone in the borough a small item of headgear was the best way to give ratepayers value for money. “Town councils are going bankrupt right, left and centre, and the reason is simply that the taxpayers’ pound doesn’t go nearly as far as it used to,” said Stourbridge County…

FOR the second time, children in playgrounds up and down the country have gone cube crazy as a new generation of puzzle solvers become captivated by the devilishly difficult Rubik’s Cube. Since its first appearance in UK toy shops almost 50 years ago, the Rubik’s Cube has foxed and delighted some of the greatest minds of our generation, with people aged from 6 to 66 – and above, and some even younger – attempting to sort the cube’s 54 coloured faces back into order. With thousands of books and videos available showing how to solve the puzzle and ‘speed cubing’ records being broken weekly, it seems that the Rubik’s Cube has been well and truly cracked… or has it? Not according to Doncaster resident Dr Richard Unfold, a self-proclaimed Rubik’s…