Table of contents for October 2023 in Viz

Your correspondence to VIZ editor Hampton Doubleday STAR LETTER AS THE leading journal covering artistic endeavour in the UK, I thought readers of your august publication would be enlightened by my photograph of a sculpture I found in the Italian lakes. You can clearly see the influence of Michelangelo and Bernini in both shape and form, although I believe the grip on the shaft is distinctly reminiscent of Pisano. Steve B, Edinburgh WITHOUT Googling, can anyone name 10 famous people called Fanny? I think most of us would struggle after Fanny Brice and Fanny Craddock, yet a couple of hundred years ago seemingly every other woman was called Fanny. Do any of your readers know how and when this name fell out of favour, and who was the Fanny who…

DO YOU think Henry VIII ever got drunk and commissioned the artist Holbein to do a painting of his cock, and then had a herald take it to Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour or one of his other bits on the side, like the Tudor equivalent of a dick pic? I reckon he did. Tommy Cromwell, Melbourne KING HENRY VIII had 3 children – Mary, Elizabeth and Edward – none of whom had children themselves, so when Elizabeth I died, the Tudor dynasty died with her. Why is it, then, that almost everyone who appears on Who Do You Think You Are is deemed to be descended from the merry monarch? Perhaps Lucy Worsley could answer that, probably whilst dressed up as Anne Boleyn. Dan Sleet, Orkney THANKS you news and…

THE hot topic of who will be the next James Bond has been discussed ever since Daniel Craig announced he was hanging up his tuxedo and packing away his bulging swimming trunks. Every day, our mobiles ping non-stop with notifications about the latest 007 front-runners – Idris Elba, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Regé-Jean Page, Theo James, and Henry Golding, to name but five actors, at least four of whom you’ve probably never heard of. But now one Bristol mathematician believes he has come up with a computer model to answer the question of who will be the next 007 with an accuracy of 99.75%, putting an end to years of speculation. Dr Bjorn Oerstryke, senior researcher in Mathematical Film Studies at Bristol University, has developed a program which analyses past Bonds, amassing…

WITH Cyril taking the art of domino toppling to its limits, many people have questioned how far the sport can go while still being recognisable as domino toppling. We contacted the late mathematician and philosopher Bertrand Russell to ask “What is the least number of dominoes it is possible to topple?” “How many dominoes is the least number you can topple? It’s a question as old as time itself. You may think that the answer is 2 dominoes, and you may be correct. But take one away and you have 1 domino, a smaller number than 2. Taken to its logical conclusion, this would mean that zero dominoes is the smallest number it is possible to topple. But do dominoes cease to be dominoes when there are none of them? If…

LAST month, for a few days, depending on what TV channels you watched, the nation was gripped by just one topic – was Coutts Bank right to tell Nigel Farage to piss off, and what was the real reason for refusing him an account? Despite the fact that this story is likely to be fading from memory by the time this mag hits the shelves, we asked some leading names from the world of showbiz how they would tell Nigel Farage to fuck off if they were the manager of Coutts, and the fake reason they would provide for refusing to offer him private banking services. GARY LINEKER I’D BREAK the news that Mr Farage was no longer welcome to bank with us very gently. I do not agree with…

FORMER UKIP leader and seven-time failed MP NIGEL FARAGE has embarked on a furious tour of the UK media after his wank bank was suddenly CLOSED without explanation. The frog-faced arsehole popped up on television and radio stations up and down the country this week, de-tailing the terrifying and confusing experience. “I first realised something was wrong when I went into my shed at the weekend to knock one out,” Farage told Talk TV’s Julia Hartley-Brewer. “My wifi was down at the time, so I was intending to get into the zone by summoning up an image of Penny Mordaunt holding that big sword at the coronation.” However, when the hateful gobshite tried to conjure the patriotically arousing visual, he found that nothing appeared. He tried a second and third…

HE has already transformed the social media landscape with his hugely successful $44 billion purchase of Twitter, recently renamed ‘X’. And now US tech titan ELON MUSK has announced plans to enhance and upgrade the planet’s cinemas, too. The 52-year-old tech twat with the Midas touch recently revealed that he has invested a whopping $100 BIL-LION into developing ‘Cinema PLUS’, which he claims will be the “most hy-per-realistic” picturehouse in history. “Filmgoing has become a far more interactive experience over the last few years,” the billionaire bellend told Empire magazine. “Movie theatres have incorporated surround sound audio, high definition 3D visuals and even synchronised motion seating to create an ultra-absorbing environment for film fans.” “However, I believe we can deliver an even MORE immersive experience”, Musk teased. “That’s what my…

GRAVY – the traditional meaty moistener of Great British meals as diverse as a Sunday roast, sausage and mash, and pie and chips – is set to be reborn thanks to the efforts of a pioneering Wallsend-based tech-guru. Elton Gates, who ten years ago single-handedly founded X-COM computer repair barrow in the Forum shopping precinct, is the brains behind SmartGravy – an AI-enhanced adaptation of the much-loved meat juice-based sauce, which he says will change the way we look at gravy forever. “Gravy may be the only aspect of modern life to remain completely untouched by the ongoing technological revolution,” said Gates. “The last great leap forward in gravy was the introduction of granules to the commercial market in the late seventies, and nothing’s changed since.” “It’s fair to say…

ASNAP poll conducted outside the House of Commons last week found that a staggering 78% of MPs could not say what happens when you drop some Mentos into a bottle of Coke, leading to accusations that the country’s political elite is ‘out of touch.’ “Everyone else in the UK knows exactly what happens when you drop 10 Mentos into a 2-litre bottle of coke,” said Naomi Smith, head of civil campaign group Best For Britain. “Yet our elected representatives seem to be completely unaware of the results. It beggars belief.” “It’s as though these people have never watched YouTube,” she added. flapjack Results showed that no party was any more oblivious to the consequences of dropping the mints into the soft drink than another, with MPs across the political spectrum…

IN a civil court, the prosecution only has to prove their case on the balance of probability, ie, that the charge is more likely to be true than not. In a criminal court, however, the burden of proof is much higher, and the prosecution must prove that their version of events is true beyond reasonable doubt. But what is reasonable doubt? And can it be quantified? Doubt can never be eradicated and no matter how certain you may be of something, there is always the possibility that it is not so. But what is a reasonable probability that something is true? 80%? 90%? 99%? We put four true-life scenarios to saucy maths wizard Carol Vorderman, and asked her to look at them with a statistician’s eye, crunching the numbers to…

“Top telly physicist Brian Cox here. If there’s one thing that baffles the public most when it comes to science, it’s the distinction between black holes and gloryholes. Here are just a few of the questions I’ve received this month.” Dear Professor Cox, IF I’M on a spaceship hurtling towards an Event Horizon and I stick my cock through a hole in the craft’s toilet wall, will my bellend technically be younger than my balls? Keith, Halifax Brian says… This is a tricky one. If you are travelling on a bus and jump up, you will not be propelled towards the back of the vehicle. But, if you stick your knob out of the bus window and piss, the stream of urine will reach the back of the bus in seconds.…

My nephew has an “e-reader” device, and he informs me that, by the time you read this, Amazon will have stopped offering subscriptions to many magazines including Viz, on its Kindle devices. But don’t worry. If you’re a trendy young thing who prefers to read Viz on one of those little electric screens like Mr Spock had in Star Trek, you’ll be able to get a “digital subscription” directly from us instead. I am reliably informed that by subscribing directly to Viz magazine (see below), you can expect “an immersive and seamless reading experience” because, it says here, “our digital platform is tailored to make your reading journey smoother, faster, and more enjoyable than ever before”. That sounds good, I must admit. He says that to make the switch, you…

IT was billed as one of the greatest musical films of all time and made international stars of its cast. Well, one of them anyway. Saturday Night Fever premiered at Mann’s Chinese Theatre, Los Angeles on December 14th 1977 in front of a star-studded audience of Hollywood A-listers. But if you weren’t invited, don’t worry! You can still walk down that red carpet 46 years ago, because we’re giving away two ‘Access All Areas’ time-travelling tickets to the opening night and after-party in this fantastic Saturday Night Fever Premier Competition! Your winning itinerary: The lucky winner and a friend will be chauffeur driven to a secret physics research establishment in the south of England, where they will be bundled into an experimental time machine and whisked off to December 11th…

IT’S official! Going to the flicks is back! And after Barbie and Oppenheimer’s box-office-record-smashing opening weekend, it’s more popular than ever! And one cinema that is hoping to cash in on film lovers’ demands for big screen thrills is Keswick’s longest-running multiplex, Screenplanet. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” says the Lake District cinema’s deputy manager Harlan Belve-dere. “A month back we were lucky to get three people a day through the door. Now we’re getting hundreds, possibly millions. We just can’t keep up with the demand for seats.” “Whilst looking into ways to somehow fit more punters into the auditorium, I noticed that no-one ever sits in front row A,” he said. “So we took all those seats out and moved them to the back, behind row M. But…

SEWERAGE Cove in the town of Fulchester-on-Sea was busy on August bank holiday 2022. The town’s mayor, Alderman Ron Patterson, was judging the children’s sandcastle competition. First prize went to 7-year-old Kyle Forster, and Patterson presented him with his first prize of a bucket and spade and a voucher for a free ice cream at the beach kiosk. STEEL knew that the story was dynamite and could blow the Fulchesteron-Sea town council wide open. But asking the Mayor for a comment would tip him off, so he had to proceed with caution. He began by going through Patterson’s bins looking for evidence that could corroborate his hunch. But he drew a blank. The wily mayor was covering his tracks. THE NEXT morning, Steel took his story to his editor, Teddy Smith, telling him…

Across 1 Dicky image, model Jerry jailed (7) 5 Axe wound has boil (7) 10 Ultimately, driver in taxi – that irritating cunt? (4) 11 Sign up to fuck with Loren (5) 12 Shag meat (4) 13 Some pubic hair in drink (3) 14 Dark place for Piers Morgan? (8) 17 Fuck in car park: also fuck the blower (3,3,4) 18 God covered in chod, incontinent (4) 19 Fat slappers wrestling with problem, obesity primarily (4) 20 Meat! Meat! Dollar for a pummelling! (10) 22 Island country where chap endlessly goes down (8) 23 Cut moles off wieners, only their helmets (3) 25 Reversible bejonker? (4) 27 More certain Sunak’s unromantic rear entries relished, first of all (5) 28 All there in feeshus, an Eartha (4) 29 Fucked has-been, wailing?…