Table of contents for December/Januuary 2023 in Viz

letters@viz.co.uk THE WORLD is our oyster, e some people say. But the first – and indeed the last – time I had oysters was on a third date with a lass, and it culminated in a fart with an unexpected side of gravy, both of which were highly audible. She instantly left, leaving me with my dirty mess and a heightened sense of embarrassment. Terry Tittybiscuits, Leeds I’VE JUST seen an advert w for Admiral Insurance where the Admiral takes her friend Mrs Taylor for a ride in a hot air balloon, during which she drops a turkey onto her son’s car and writes it off, before knocking the chimney off Mrs Taylor senior’s house. “Luckily the Taylors are insured with Admiral,” the voiceover says. I wonder if they will feel…

DURING the pandemic, there was no more familiar sight than some of the world’s most eminent virologists popping up live from their spare rooms on rolling news to make us shit ourselves with their expert opinions. But with Covid now on the wane and their 10-minute slots now filled with military strategists talking us through Russian troop movements in Crimea, the future looks bleak for our favourite epidemiological scientists. With no health scare to talk about any more, many may be forced to think about a career change. So let’s take a look at the options for those left on the scrapheap when the COVID gravy train hit the buffers… Dr Chris Smith VERY MUCH the Simon Calder of pandemic analysis, the affable podcast presenter and virologist would sit next…

SPIKY-HAIRED naturalist CHRIS PACKHAM has caused a stir with his latest venture - a wall calendar featuring close-up colour photographs of animal faeces! The “Full of Shit Calendar 2023” features a different animal dropping every month, along with fun facts and fascinating information about the faunal brown stuff. But many outlets including Harrods, Fortnum and Mason and The National Trust are refusing to stock it, deeming it to be in bad taste. “Animal turds are often more interesting than the animals themselves,” Packham told reporters at a launch party for the calendar held at London’s Natural History Museum. “You can tell so much about an animal just by looking at their stools, such as whether or not they eat sweetcorn, and what the diameter of their arsehole is,” he continued.…

Across 8 Clergyman, by the sound of it, in fudge tunnels (5) 10 Some excreta or tadpoles in large vessel (5) 11 Hefner’s head sucked off -that’s fucking disgusting! (3) 12 Poor form in bed gobbling very close pal (who loves titties) (5,6) 13 See 24 Down 14 Piercing pissflaps in the end, large instrument (5) 16 Fucking horrible gore inside chocolate starfish (8) 17 Asian flower in America poked by third of todgers (5) 18 Last bits of vag lube gone - gosh! (3) 19 Middle Eastern city leaders in Ireland (Dublin) licking Irish bottoms (5) 21 Leaves in grass covering third of Johnny (8) 23 Ultimate part of Venezuelan I fucked backwards (5) 25 Beaver cleaver becoming eaver cleaver? (3) 26 Old dictator is after cold shit (5,6)…

RECENT strikes by rail workers, Post Office employees and barristers have caused havoc to a British population already struggling with high food prices, soaring energy bills and eye-watering mortgage rates. And things show no signs of getting better as union leaders representing Britain’s cigarette lighter street vendors are now threatening industrial action following a downturn in the value of Sterling. Recent turmoil in the economy which has led to the pound tumbling against the dollar has meant that the traditional cry of “Lighters, three for a pound… Three for a pound, yer lighters,” may no longer be heard on our streets. “Britons have a proud tradition of being able to impulse-buy three poorly manufactured disposable fag-lighters for a pound on our streets and pop-up markets,” said Ron Barrington, General Secretary of…

A NATIONAL shortage of holly designs on clipart websites has left newspaper and magazine publishers scrambling to find alternative colourful Christmas decorations to use in their December issues. A pair of small holly leaves along with three red berries has become the staple festive motif with which all Christmas-related magazine features have been adorned since the advent of desktop publishing. But recent overuse of the festiveicon has led to a shortage of supply, and many designers trying to put it on a Christmas feature have been met with a “file not available” alert. Graphic designer Anabelle Ellebana was laying out a feature for Cosmopolitan when she became victim to the clipart shortage. “I was working on a piece about the 10 sexiest gifts to give your husband for Christmas, and…

MY CAT weighs 5kg and does turds approximately half an inch wide. I weigh 90kg, so on a pro-rata basis, I should be doing turds 9-inches in diameter. It’s no wonder he sleeps 20 hours a day. If I did a turd that big, I’d need a good long rest afterwards as well. S Brookes, Edinburgh I SAW a report recently that w said it costs the NHS £350k every year to remove foreign objects from patients’ arses. Why don’t they introduce a service for putting objects in, rather than pulling them out? Some people would pay good money for that, bringing in much-needed revenue. And ensuring that it was done in a medically safe manner will save more money further down the line. Frankly, I’m amazed health bosses haven’t…

If you don’t ‘flask’ (and aren’t the first correct entry drawn out of the hat) you don’t get … get one of these exclusive Viz aluminium drinking flasks, that is! Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 321, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email a photo of it to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject The first correct entry out of the hat on FRDAY 9TH DECEMBER will win a VIZ COMIC ALUMINIUM DRINKING FLASK, a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. The next 5 entries win the water bottle and pen, but not the money. If you want a pen for nothing, send us a large letter stamp and it’s yours. Winner: Mrs Feeney, Honiton Runners up: Alan Cook, London RT Mills, Suffolk Lindsay Mair, Middlesex…

WALKING around Gateshead, I saw this absolute work of art. It is completely thought provoking. Barry Wilson, Gateshead BACK in 1980, I spray-painted a huge tand rather artistic cock and balls on a pillar underneath the multi storey car park in the centre of town. It was fucking ace - loads of pubes, spunk squirting out, the full Monty - Banksy would have been green with envy. It some officious Hitler from the council clearly was still there until around five years ago, but decided that public tastes had become more discerning over the intervening decades. I wish I’d taken a picture of it, but I didn’t, and I was wondering if any of your readers had taken a snap of it. It was under Park Square Car Park, Newport, and…

With the current shit-show at the fuck factory that is the House of Commons, Britain is experiencing unprecedented levels of political balls-ups, scandals and resignations. And thanks to the country’s insatiable appetite for a running commentary in the 24/7 news cycle, Britain’s political correspondents are stretched to the limit. That’s why there’s never been a better time to embark on a new career with the Reservist Political Commentators. You’ll be given six weeks basic training in all the tricks of the Political Punditry, and you’ll serve alongside full-time professional commentators. Just look at these perks… ✔ Choose the hours that suit your lifestyle ~ with rolling news, you can talk about the latest clusterfucks on the breakfast, lunch or evening news round. ✔ Great for your street cred ~ receive…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk Notes & Swearies Professor Bernard Fuck of Saint Arsehole’s College, Oxford ponders your Profanisaurial problems Dear Professor Fuck, WE ARE all familiar with the social norm of holding in our flatus and emitting it at a time of our choosing. This becomes more challenging with age, but I have recently discovered, as the years advance, that I am occasionally releasing loud farts which I didn’t even know were forming a queue within my back passage. At a recent event at Buckingham Palace, I bowed as I was introduced to The Queen and let loose a rasper that arguably surprised me almost as much as it surprised Her (shortly thereafter late) Majesty. Is there a term in your foulsome lexicon for an inadvertent release of an audible flatulisation when one…

GLENPEEBLES police sergeant Greenock was making a special visit to Miss McFife in her cottage on the edge of the village of Glenpeebles. Miss McFife wanted her dog Mitzy to have a litter of puppies, and she had asked if the sergeant’s dog, Bob, would help this miracle of nature come about. “I’LL MAKE a cup of tea, Sergeant, whilst the wee doggies get doon tae their business,” said Miss McFife. “I’m sure it’ll nae tak him but a couple o’ minutes tae… ahem… perform his duty,” said the sergeant. Bob didn’t need asking twice to get to work, and rushed across the kitchen. THE RANDY terrier trotted straight past Mitzy and latched onto Mrs McFife’s leg! “Ach! Get aff me, ye dirty wee beast!” she shouted. Sergeant Greenock ran foward to try…

WE HAVE often heard people say that it is better to give than to receive. In Acts chapter 20 verse 35 of The New Testament, the apostle Paul quotes Jesus as saying exactly that, and for over 2000 years it has been taken as gospel. But now a major scientific study at Bristol University has concluded that the Son of Man was wrong, and receiving is considerably better than giving. The study looked at the relative happiness of 1340 participants who took part in the research. “The subjects were randomly divided into two groups, A and B,” said Dr Marius Gormenghast of the university’s Department of Psychology. “Group A were given a Playstation 5, an iPhone14 and a £250 Amazon gift card, which they were then instructed to give to…