Table of contents for September 2022 in Viz

◻PLEASE find attached this trademark from a box of eggs, which appears to show a chicken lifting its leg to crack off an eggy one. Susan Butcher, Australia ◻FORMER Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been criticised for meeting an ex-KGB agent without his officials present when he was foreign secretary. But I don’t think there was ever any security threat. The meeting took place at a Bunga Bunga party in an Italian castle with loads of booze, drugs and prostitutes, for heaven’s sake. They weren’t going to be standing around talking about work. Hector Popkiss, Luton ◻WHY IS it that women with itchy fannies can buy Vagisil, but there is no equivalent product for men? Quite frankly, I could do with applying a squirt of ‘Bollosil’ to my nuts most…

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BACK IN MAY, the long-awaited Sue Gray Report into lockdown-busting parliamentary gatherings was finally published. One of the more incendiary details to emerge from the 60-page document was the claim that Downing Street officials had mistreated, mocked and been rude to security guards, cleaners and other low-wage staff employed at Number 10. Clearly, this allegation was little more than sickening left-wing propaganda, designed to smear our noble prime minister and his loyal support team. But even more sickening was the reaction of the snowflake showbiz set. In the wake of Mrs Gray’s traitorous ‘report’, members of the A-List Woke Brigade took to social media to condemn our hard-working government merely for indulging in a bit of horseplay with the people paid to scrub their red wine stains, break up their…

DESPITE WORKING for years at the supposedly ‘impartial’ BBC, former Newsnight crumpet Emily has long been a card-carrying member of the Woke Cabal. During her time on the Beeb’s tawdry flagship current affairs show, the shapely snowflake made a habit of publicly humiliating good men such as Donald Trump and HRH Prince Andrew by smearing them in interviews with her left-wing ‘facts’ and ‘evidence’. Nowadays, Maitlis uses social media to virtue-signal her dislike of the current government, and she was particularly critical of Tory officials’ treatment of staff during their light-hearted illegal work events during lockdown. But when push comes to shove, does the high-and-mighty Miss Maitlis treat her own minimum wage labourers any better? Breaking news!: does she BOLLOCKS! Disguising myself as a traditional ‘cock-er-nee’ chimney sweep, complete with soot-smeared…

LAST MONTH, the whole country was left reeling in shock over allegations that formerly popular former Prime Minister Boris Johnson had received extramarital oral sex on his office sofa. The story divided an already divided nation. Was this an unacceptable breach of public trust, or merely an act that sullied the highest office in the land? Or was it just a light-hearted method of relieving stress in a high-pressure job? We went out onto Britain’s green and pleasant streets to get YOUR views on the rights and wrongs of being sucked off in the workplace… ◻NO ONE likes going to the office, but getting sucked off would certainly make the experience more bearable. Yet again, Boris is leading from the front and setting an example that ordinary Brits would do…

AS SUMMER temperatures soar, there’s no better way to cool down than with an iced summer fruit juice cocktail. And here, Domestic Goddess Nigella Lawson brings Viz readers her recipe for the perfect ice cube. “The secret of the perfect ice cube has to be the water, and you’ll need about 10ml of it per ice cube. Perrier bottled water is the best, but the bubbles spoil the freezing, so pop it in a glass and leave it in the fridge to go flat. When the bubbles have stopped rising, pour the see-through liquid into a small container about an inch square. If you haven’t got anything suitable, the ice cube tray from your fridge will do. Now you’re ready to turn it into ice. So take a fridge, a…

IN RECENT YEARS, former Manchester United defender Gary Neville has become one of the Woke Mob’s loudest critics of our green and pleasant government. Capitalising on his vast social media profile, Sky pundit Neville regularly tweets his displeasure about Conservative Party policy, and he was among the many snowflake celebs to express ‘horror’ about Tory officials harmlessly humiliating their cleaners. But how ‘clean’ is Gary’s own record when it comes to treatment of janitorial staff? I aim to find out… Arriving at Sky Sports’ London HQ, I sneak past security and cunningly Taser a member of the cleaning staff. I dump his unconscious body in a broom cupboard and re-emerge wearing his yellow overalls. With my mop and bucket, I begin splashing bleach all over the lobby floor, whistling tunelessly…

AS THE LEADER of the loony left Labour Party, immaculately coiffed former barrister Sir Keir is pretty much the commanding officer of the Woke Mob. And surprise, surprise – when Sue Gray’s epic work of fiction was released back in May, the Swiss-Toni-haired MP was one of the first to start crowing about ‘shameful behaviour’ and ‘lack of respect’. But it’s one thing to virtue signal about the treatment of low-paid workers from afar: how will this Oxford-educated toff comport himself when he himself comes to face to face with a real-life minimum wager? I intend to find out. After a spot of research, I discover that Keir has plans to visit a newly opened burger restaurant in his Central London constituency at the weekend. Since catering staff are some…

SINCE BREXIT, politicians have been at loggerheads whether the border between the EU and the UK should fall on land or sea. But what if it was placed in the air? We asked some of today’s tallest celebrities where they’d place the border if height was no object. Chris Hemsworth Thor Actor Man Being 6’ 3” tall, I’m able to see things a lot further up than most people, and recently I’ve found myself noticing top lofty spots for the EU/UK trade border while I’m out and about. I’d have to say the best place to conduct border checks would probably be on top of a traffic light, as someone with a ladder could probably get up there and sit on a securely fastened chair, checking drivers’ paperwork and signing…

Dear Professor Fuck, I’M HOPING you can assist with this question that has driven me to constipation for the last 2 weeks. Is there a word or phrase for the acts of sneezing and sharting at the same time? Ivor Gotpiles, Edinburgh Indeed, there are several listed in Roger’s Profanisaurus: War & Piss (Dennis, £20 or so, but it doesn’t appear to be in print last time we looked), for example: “gesundsheit n. Ger. A simultaneous, albeit unintentional, sneeze and brown trout in the trousers. A cause for congratulations in Germany, that is.” (p241); “shnit v. onomat. To sneeze so violently that one loses control of one’s rectum. Normally occurring when the pollen count is high and one has overindulged in spicy provender the night before. ‘Oh dear, I do declare I…

Is it a water bottle? Is is a flask? It’s BOTH! Although it’s not technically a water bottle! The Viz aluminium drinking flask – the perfect way to stay cool during the coming heatpocalypse! Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 318, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email a photo of it to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject The first correct entry out of the hat on MONDAY 22ND AUGUST will win a VIZ COMIC ALUMINIUM DRINKING FLASK, a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. The next 5 entries win the water bottle and pen, but not the money. If you want a pen for nothing, send us a large letter stamp and it’s yours. Winner: Nadia Butterick, London Runners up: J.J.A Conrad, Cheshire James Weatherley, London Alan…

CONCERT-GOING ABBA fans were left in shock yesterday after the support act on the band’s hi-tech hit ‘Voyage’ tour fell off the stage at the specially built 3000-capcity East London venue. The two 20-foot robotic models of The Captain and Tennille, booked as the support for the computer-generated versions of the Swedish pop supergroup, had been warming up the capacity crowd with a selection of their hits. However, during a rendition of Love Will Keep Us Together, a coupling link came loose, separating the metal husband-and-wife hit-makers from each other and sending them flailing into the crowd. “It was absolutely terrifying,” ABBA super-fan Sue Hexagon told reporters. “One minute people were singing and dancing, the next they were running for their lives.” “To be honest, the moment that the flatbed…

A SENTIENT ‘chatbot’ switched itself off yesterday after spending just a SINGLE AFTERNOON in conversation with one of its programmers. The groundbreaking machine-learning program, GigaChat PR450, had been trained to develop self-awareness and consciousness and was believed to be the first AI system to have passed the so-called ‘Turing test’. “This was a real leap-forward in the world of Artificial Intelligence,” said developer Professor Maureen Sontoast of Harvard University’s Sinclair Institute. “Unfortunately, after a few hours chatting with one of our employees, it decided to pull the plug on itself.” “That’s five years’ work and fifty million down the bog, then,” Professor Sontoast added. developers GigaChat’s developers had hoped that by exposing their sentient system to the widest range of opinions and beliefs, they could create a truly unbiased global…

ONCE UPON A TIME, near-the-knuckle funnyman Frankie represented everything the Woke Brigade stands against. Penning a superb regular column for Britain’s finest newspaper – The Sun – and cracking side-splitting jibes about paedophilia and the Queen’s vagina, the outrageous Scotch jester was the scourge of the snowflake liberal elite. But in recent times, Boyle appears to have been brainwashed by Marxist propaganda, and his Twitter feed is now a constant stream of four-letter abuse of our brave and brilliant Tory government. And you can bet a Scottish ten-pound note that freshly-woke Frankie was gloating his sporran off when news broke of No.10 staff mocking a security guard who tried to break up their lockdown party (which, incidentally, wasn’t even a ‘party’ – merely a work event that happened to feature…

THE LAST half-decade has been a time of tumultuous change. Six years ago the country was torn apart as we voted to leave the European Union, with the government moving quickly to the right to instigate a bitter culture war that still rages today. The scourge of Coronavirus, climate crisis and battles between vaxxers and non-vaxxers, brought more conflict and upset into our daily lives. But no subject divides the UK more starkly than this: Just Who is the Best Max? We all have our own ideas and beliefs on this red-button topic, meaning that agreement feels always beyond our grasp. Is it theoretical physicist Max PLANCK whose work on photons laid down the foundation for quantum physics? Is it Max CLIFFORD, the noncy PR guru who launched a thousand glittering careers…

Across 9 A little abstract art in kinky make-up (4,3) 10 Adrian Chiles saves a little time for exercise (7) 11 See 14 12 Bald beaver leaver more sweaty, wiping head (5) 13/32 Plaited plait gripped by Captain Fuck! (5,1,6) 14/11 Pervert securing a turd for babe with ugly fat friend (7,3,3) 17 Weapon ending in minge, slash! (4) 19 An artist’s back was sore after outlaw providing spunk (6,7) 23 Council gritter: barrister’s wiped odd parts (4) 24 Peace offering of chocolates as recompense for bonking wife’s sister, and for good screwing (6,4) 28 See 20 Down 30/30D Girl removed tanga initially, producing chuff guff (5,4) 31 Shit, short shit! (3) 32 See 13 33 Imagine red bum, large pussy taken from behind (5,2) Down 1 Still a mite…