Table of contents for June/July 2022 in Viz

⃞ LAST NIGHT I dreamed that I worked for Boris Johnson, and when I handed in my notice to go and work instead for Hercule Poirot, the Prime Minister gave me a really lovely, written reference even though at the time he was being pursued by a very angry man who I’d accidentally let into the building. When I woke up, I was touched by the sentiments in the reference and wondered if, just maybe, Boris Johnson isn’t really that bad after all. Have any of your other readers been momentarily swayed by the actions of the Prime Minister in a dream? Joe Smith, Exeter *What a nice thought from Mr Smith. It seems the media are constantly giving our PM a hard time simply because of the way he…

Across 8 Shitload for coming together (9) 9 See 12 11 Decoration with a pin pushed back inside majorette (sorry) (7) 12/9 Large in twats, spreading – are they? (7,5) 13 Using finger, identify wobbly tit on a passing prostitute, initially (5,2) 15/4 Princess surrounded by male stiffies one way or another, as a player? (5,10) 16 Anus’s history with first bit of organzola that’s laid on thick (7) 18 Producing red shit, appears nervous (7) 20 People showing their dangly bits undressed unsurprisingly, some taken from behind (5) 22 Successful footballers, fuckers! (7) 25 Fucking good French man (7) 27 Ban pub after Anus falls over? Fuck off! (7) 28 True winds circling opening in cunt, release gas (5) 29 Wifeless fellow, oaf, idiotically pinching rear of shemale, sense own…

WHAT IS believed to be the last breeding pair of Katharine Hepburns in the UK has been spotted on a riverboat near Kidderminster. For many years, the veteran Hollywood actresses were a familiar sight in southern England, where hearing their piercing, cut-glassaccented calls was an everyday experience. The population spread rapidly across the British Isles until, during the mid-1960s, it was said that wherever you were in the country you were never more than a few yards away from one of the Connecticut-born four-time Oscarwinners. However, due to habitat loss, trapping and pollution, the number of wild sightings has fallen dramatically in recent years and, for a while, it was even feared that they could be extinct. wild The first two Katharine Hepburns were introduced to the UK in 1951…

MODEL train enthusiasts. Add a touch of realism to your creation by setting up tube tracks underneath your bedroom floorboards. Les Lloyd, email TURN bedtime into an exciting game of Tank Commander by sitting upright with a toilet seat around your neck. Julian, Baldock FOOL people into thinking you work for Sky Sport News by saying the last three words of every sentence really slowly. Chris Chavis, email A HARE makes an ideal substitute for a rabbit, should an emergency rabbit be needed in a situation where the hare/rabbit ratio is heavily weighted towards hares. Or vice-versa. Eldon Furse, email LADIES. Save money on expensive spray tans by throwing in a box of Yorkshire tea bags next time you have a bath. For a milder tan, use Aldi own brand.…

“TREAT YOUR DAD TO A VIZ GIFT SUBSCRIPTION WHETHER HE WANTS ONE OR NOT.” BUY YOUR GIFT SUBSCRIPTION NOW For VIZ visit: bit.ly/vizfdpr22 To subscribe to all other magazines contact us quoting VIZFDPR22 via: subscriptions@metropolis.co.uk 020 8752 8195 *Offer is only applicable to a 1 year print CC/DC subscription. Free gift is only applicable to the first 100 orders…

Be the envy of people who’d really like an aluminium Viz water bottle but haven’t got one, by winning yourself one of these exclusive aluminium Viz water bottles and drinking from it next to them. Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 316, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email a photo of it to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject The first correct entry out of the hat on MONDAY 6TH JUNE will win a VIZ COMIC ALUMINIUM WATER BOTTLE, a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. The next 5 entries win the water bottle and pen, but not the money. If you want a pen for nothing, send us a large letter stamp and it’s yours. Winner: Roddy Strathern, Kinross-shire Runners up: Anne Berridge, Cumbria Stephen Young, Edinburgh Oliver…

Wouldn’t it be great to be able to rewind time and prove that you were listening when your partner told you what time the bloody train would be leaving in the morning? Or that you had told them a couple of nights ago that you’d be going for drinks on Thursday evening with your mates? Well now you can, with the MaritalCam Pro 360˚ head-mounted camera! It’s so comfortable, you’ll forget you’re wearing it. And that’s not all, just look at these features: “On returning from the pub after an 8 pint session talking bollocks with my mate, my missus asked me three questions about his family that he’d revealed at the beginning of the evening and that I’d long since forgotten. Thanks to MaritalCam, I…

BRTAIN’S Beefeaters are threatening industrial action over a new smartphone app that they say is affecting their traditional business. The Beefeaters, in their familiar red and gold livery have been a fixture at the Tower of London for over 500 years. But a new hi-tech service Beefetr, launched in 2019, allows customers to contact beefeaters direct and order them to come to their home and perform a range of beefeating duties. They can even track the beefeater’s progress on a map, and rate them with a number of crown jewels. handy “This app might seem handy and modern,” says Tony Bellvan, head of the Union Of Beefeating and Amalgamated Yeomanry Trades, “but it’s chipping away at the traditional craft of beefeating.” And now UBAYT is calling for tighter regulation of Beefetr,…

WE WERE all shocked when we heard that Neil Parish MP was caught watching pornography on his phone in the House of Commons. But should we have been? Were his actions those of a sick, exhibitionist pervert, or a man comfortable with his sexual needs and preferences? Have we not moved away from stuffy, Victorian attitudes which frowned upon watching and masturbating to pornography, or are these things we should still do in the privacy of our own homes? We went on the street to see what YOU thought… TO MY MIND, the question that has to be asked is what were those lady MPs doing looking at Mr Parish’s phone in the first place? Have they never heard of privacy? Hamilton Dugong, Wells I CAN’T SEE what he has…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk Andre Rieu’s encore 1. n. In the world of the performing arts, after you’ve just sat through an enormous pile of shite and you think it’s all finished, the dispiriting realisation there is still a bit more shite to go before you can get up and leave. A reference to the pensioners’ favourite twobob Michael Bolton-lookalike fiddle maestro. 2. euph. The same sort of thing, but you’re sat on the bog. See also curtain call, second sitting, epilog, double jeopardy and Mexican wave. and this is Daddy Pig! exclam. Proclamation made prior to the dropping of a particularly violent hat, reminiscent of the thunderous “oink” produced by Peppa’s paterfamilias in the introductory section of the long-running porcine cartoon. Armitage blanks n. A fruitless shootout at the shark’s mouth. See also stage fright, stall…

MPS ARE USED are used to colleagues announcing their retirement in order to spend more time with their family or go to prison. But members from both sides of the House were left stunned this week after the member for Somerset North – Jacob Rees-Mogg – announced he is leaving the world of politics in order to pursue a career in PROFESSIONAL DARTS. And what’s more, the Minister for Brexit Opportunities made the decision after receiving divine instruction from GOD! Despite having absolutely no experience in the working class pub game, a bullish Rees-Mogg, 52, announced his decision outside his West Harptree home. “I had just returned home from the Commons instead of selecting the Parliament channel, Nanny inadvertently tuned into Sky Sports, who were showing the World Darts Championship…

Viz 316 June/July 2022 © On A Break Industries/How You Doin’? Publishing Ltd. All superfluous monkey rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be able to afford a huge fuck-off apartment in Greenwich Village on a basic chef’s salary without the written permission of Fulchester Industries and/or Diamond Publishing, part of the Metropolis Group. Could Viz be published any more than ten times a year by Metropolis Publishing, 7th Floor, Vantage London, Great West Road, Brentford, London TW8 9AG? Find us at our website viz.co.uk or twitter.com/vizcomic and facebook.com/vizcomic on the internet. For the avoidance of doubt, anyone else being Viz, or Viz characters, or Top Tips, or Letterbocks or the Profanisaurus, or anything else out of Viz, is not us. So they can fuck the fucking fuck off…