Table of contents for Jan-Feb-14 in Maxim

You gave thanks to Lacey Chabert and got in a leg lock with Taylor Momsen. Not a bad way to spend a weekend, if you ask us. Cheering Chabert Wow! Thank you for bringing Lacey Chabert to the November cover. She’s just getting prettier by the day. Also, what a knockout Jennifer the Team Mascot [Office Assistant, Circus Maximus] was. Put me in touch! —David M., via e-mail We tried to pass along your note to our mascot, but she’s in the Bahamas vacationing with the Hamburglar. Alas, to get the attention of a mascot, turns out you need a really, really big head. Hey, Lacey Chabert’s abs are awesome. What is her workout? —Jamie Hiott, via e-mail Running away from people like us as fast as she can. Creepy…

The FBI profiler from Criminal Minds gets an interrogation of her own. She exercises her right to remain sexy. Hometown: Oshawa, Ontario, Canada Astrologicalsign: Cancer/Leocusp Job: Actress Pets: Dog named Zara I would be embarrassed if you looked in my closet and saw my tap shoes. I can whoop any guy’s ass in fantasy football. My spirit animal is the narwhal: the unicorn of the sea. The best (or worst) pickup line I ever heard: While driving on the freeway, a guy scribbled on a pieceofpaper“YOU’’’ RE HOT!CALL ME” and put his phone number. I wanted to call him just to find out if that ever works for him! The worst word in the universe is æliterally.æ” I just literally died, I dislike this word so much! A guy is more likely to get lucky with me if he isn’’t…

OUR PSYCHICS Hilary Parry Tarot card reader tarotbyhilary.com Thomas John Clairvoyant mediumthomas.com Laura “Astrobabe” Astrologist astrobabeonline.com Who’s going to win? Laura: I see the South rising again. I’m definitely getting a Southern area and something about horses. I also see the Patriots. Thomas: I have a strong feeling that it’s going to be a team from the West. It’ll be the Broncos. Hilary: I pulled the Judgment card, which kind of has this Christian iconography about it. So I’m going with the Saints. Who will be the MVP? Hilary: I have the Nine of Wands coming up, and I have the Queen of Wands coming up. Because Wands are the suit of fire, the last name is something fiery. I feel like the first name is Michael. What color Gatorade…

You’re a maid on TV. Obviously we need to ask if you own a sexy maid outfit in real life. Not right now, but I did at some point. I think it should be a requirement for me now, so I’ll have to buy a new one. What’s the most devious thing about you? I can be really unpredictable. You never know what I’m gonna do or what I’m gonna say. I’m a bit of a daredevil, and I can get really crazy. Are you an adrenaline junkie? I like being a woman, but I’m a little rough around the edges. I’ve been bungee jumping twice, but I was scared. Happy New Year’s! What type of guy would you typically kiss at midnight? I like guys who have a plan…

One day a deli worker comes home from his job looking glum, so his wife asks, “What’s wrong, honey?” The man replies, “I was fired today.” The wife is taken aback: “Oh, dear! What happened?” The man looks ashamed as he answers, “I stuck my penis in the pickle slicer.” The wife is overcome with concern for her husband. “Oh, my God! Are you all right?!” The husband says he’s fine, so the wife asks what happened to the pickle slicer, and the husband offhandedly replies, “Oh, she got fired, too.” —BRANDYN LAMBE Having just graduated from Oxford, a young man is very excited thinking about his future. As he gets into a taxi, the driver says to him, “How are you doing on this beautiful, sunny day?” He replies,…

MythBusters’ADAM SAVAGE and JAMIE HYNEMAN take a hot dip. Materials: • Lead (visit a junkyard or auto repair shop, or purchase fishing weights) • Six-inch-deep saucepan or cast-iron pan •Industrial burner (the kind used to fry a turkey works well) • NIOSH respirators • Hot dogs • Digital thermometer that reaches 1,000°F (available on Amazon) 1 Go outside. Put the lead in the pan and turn the heat high. 2 Strap on respirators to protect yourself from the gas. 3 The lead will start melting around 621°F, but don’t dip your fingers in yet! You want it to reach over 850°F to kick the Leidenfrost effect into action.that’s when the water on your fingers comes into contact with the molten lead. Because the boiling point of lead is higher than…

Trust the Diesel Shaq has genuine comedic timing and is a surprisingly good actor for a guy whose most famous role is Kazaam. Every day he brings the same Shaq magic to the Upload set that he brought to the NBA for 19 years (well, up till that last Celtics season). No Holds Barred Shaq’s willing to do almost anything on-camera. The trick is not leting his manager fnd out that we’re flming him dressed as a transvestite struting up Santa Monica Boulevard in high heels until afer we’ve done it. (Note: This is just a personal fantasy.) Tons of Puns Dad humor is in Shaq’s wheelhouse, and the writers oblige with pun-heavy segment titles like “Shaqsploitation Films” and “Shaq-terpiece Theater.” Don’t Stress the Script If Shaq goes a litle…

The PORSCHE 918 SPYDER is one devilishly fun ride. If you’ve ever stared the devil in the face, the 2015 Porsche 918 Spyder might look familiar. This meticulously engineered supercar, with its rippling exterior and formidable combined 887 hp gas-electric hybrid engine, is a fiendishly inspired creation. Like sorcerers, Porsche’s engineers summoned an array of elements from across the periodic table to craft featherlight components such as forged magnesi um wheels and an Inconel (look it up) exhaust system. In addition to being explosively quick, the 918, with its extra-low center of gravity and ondemand all-wheel drive, is one of the most maneuverable production cars ever made. And although it may appear to have been forged in the depths of Hades, it is surprisingly friendly to the environment. So does…

1. Herschel Supply Co. Walton duffel, $100, nordstrom.com 2. Burton Synth messenger bag, $50, burton.com 3. C6 Large tote, $185, c6life.com 4. Puma Cityblock rucksack, $70, shop.puma.com 5. Ugg for Men Branford leather weekender,$545, uggaustralia.com 6. Everlane Suede weekender bag,$195, everlane.com 7. Will Leather Goods Canvas/leather duffel, $350, will leathergoods.com 8. Fjällräven No.4 waterresistant duffel, $150, fjallraven.us 9. Tumi Alpha Bravo Monterey sling bag, $245, tumi.com 10. Calvin Klein Urban travel bag, $170, calvinklein.com 11. Kenneth Cole New York Rolling duffel, $275, kennethcole.com 12. Brenthaven Collins Tech Pack, $50, brenthaven.com 13. Victorinox Travel Gear Alpineer bag, $250, swissarmy.com 14. Coach Men Mercer leather banker’s brief, $598, coach.com…

Meet your 2014 Hometown Hotties champion, Atlanta’s own REBECCA GARCIA! A After millions of votes and countless hours spent ogling computer screens across the country, democracy has spoken–and what it had to say was incredibly sexy. Gentlemen, meet America’s hottest girl next door, Rebecca Garcia! (A note for those of you lucky enough to live in her neighborhood: Prepare for your property values to skyrocket.) Congrats! Who gets the news first? Definitely my mom; she’s where I get my looks from, so I owe it to her! What made you decide to enter the competition? I’ve always been a big fan of the contest, but I was nervous to enter. I would go online and be like, “I’m going to enter. No I’m not.” Then I would fill out my…

Los Angeles high schooler Jake Davidson was either incredibly ballsy or wildly delusional: He posted a YouTube video asking superbabe Kate Upton to his prom while shaving, showering, and talking to the camera Ferris Bueller style. Upton couldn’t make it, but fellow supermodel Nina Agdal came to the rescue and made Jake undoubtedly the envy of his male classmates. Hell, the envy of men everywhere. We just hope he was able to leverage his stunt into landing an actual girlfriend…or at least one of the blowup variety.…

ONE FRIDAY AFTERNOON IN late September, inside the cavernous Las Vegas Convention Center, two of the strongest men in the world, Brian Shaw and Mike Burke, sit behind a black curtain on metal folding chairs, stretching their calves, chalking up their hands, quietly getting ready for compe tition. Though they are training partners and close friends, a certain terseness stands between them. At the end of the weekend, one of them will likely be crowned America’s Strongest Man, claiming a fat check and endless bragging rights, while the other will head home empty-handed. After the day’s first two events, Shaw and Burke are locked in a virtual dead heat atop the leaderboard, with 12 competitors close at their heels. The third event calls for them to tow a car-size wheelbarrow…

DAN BOVA Chief Content Officer FOCUS T25 $120, beachbody.com WHAT IT IS: You know Insanity? Those DVD commercials with Shaun T promising you sweat, pain, results, and some more pain? This is a quickie version. Who doesn’t love a quickie? FREQUENCY: 25 minutes five days a week, with the option for double sessions on Fridays (an option I never elected). CONVENIENCE: It’s fast and can be done in your living room, so it’s convenient for loved ones to mock you from the couch. INTENSITY: Fierce! Cardio! Strength! Flexibility! Prepare for a full-scale Shauntervention on your flab! X-FACTOR: The program rec ommended drinking Shakeology meal-replacement supplements, but I did that one time only because, frankly, it made me shit my brains out. RESULTS: Very good! My clothes fit better, and I…

Let our new DJ spin her way into your heart. In general, do you think playing music helps with productivity at work? Personally, I think a big part of the reason the Maxim staff even shows up for work is to hear me play! Plus, I think that music helps you focus and can energize you. What kind of music did you play today? Everyone wanted to hear Parliament, which is a funk band, but one guy requested Neil Diamond. So not exactly your regular type of set. Definitely not! I usually spin house music and what I call stripper music—songs that make everyone get sexy and start shaking their asses. Was there any decent ass shaking here today? One of the editors actually had some insane twerking moves. I…

November 2008 YEARS OF MAXIM Stacy Keibler It’s like a fairy tale: A Catholic school girl sprouts into one of the world’s sexiest women, cheers for the Baltimore Ravens, becomes a pro wrestler, kicks butt on Dancing With the Stars, then dates the biggest movie star on the planet. When Stacy appeared on our cover back in ’08, she’d retired from the WWE but had yet to become George Clooney’s gal pal. These days she’s once again single, leaving us to wonder/pray if she’ll have a Rocky-like return to the ring. We’re dropping big elbows just thinking about it!…

Get more of us in your life. Instagram Follow@MaximMag for a peek inside all the office shenanigans. It’s a wonder we get any work done (actually, we don’t). Twitter Watch sports with us! Follow @Maxim Mag as we live-tweet games that you won’t enjoy without our stupid opinions. Facebook Pay a visit to Facebook.com/Maxim Magazine for fresh posts, new content, and plenty of beautiful women in various stages of undress. Like! Xbox Download our app to watch the trailer for Maxim Presents: Hotties Week, starring Craig Robinson and Urijah Faber.…

Beer and video games: the two loves of your life, together at last. Dudes no longer need to suffer through a brewless gaming session. The Dream Arcades Kegerator Pro 60 combines a keg fridge, three taps, a 60-inch HDTV, and 140 classic video games. Sadly, there’s no built-in urinal, so you may have to leave and interact with humans at some point. $4,999, dreamarcades.com ACCORDION BABES Squeeze-boxing beauties prove that the chicken dance is still the most erotic form of choreography. $15, accordionpinupcalendar.com…

In GRUDGE MATCH two elderly retired boxers return for one last fight. Dr. Bernard Portner of Portner Orthopedic Rehab in Honolulu explains what would happen if two geezers did duke it out. JAB TO THE FACE “As you get older, your joints tend to lose range of motion, which makes it more difficult to throw a jab properly. And bones are osteoporotic when you age—meaning weaker and easier to break—so the nose could easily be broken. If the punch landed above the eye, he would most likely bleed, because the skin is more friable and thus easier to get cut.” LEFT HOOK TO THE BODY “This is a hard punch, so the fighter could crack a hand, because bones’ calcium mass goes down as you age. But the senior receiving…

SIRSANKA’SCOFFIE “With a name inspired by Cool Runnings’ SankaCoffie, I builtawinter cocktail that’s cozy and warm,” says Monroe. “The clove and cinnamon notes from the bitters are big players in this cocktail and work really well with the almond-cookie flavors of the amaretto and the coffee and cocoa flavors of the Patrón XO Cafe. The vodka just drives home the warmth.” • 1V20Z. vodka • 1/2 oz. amaretto • 1oz. heavy cream • V20Z. Patrón XO Cafe Dark Cocoa • 2 dashes Angostura bitters Pour vodka and amaretto over ice and stir. Combine remaining ingredients in shaker and shake with ice. Strain over the vodka and amaretto, stir, and top with another dash of bitters. Winter Olympics Drinking Game 1Chug a beer every time a snowboarder says that he’s “stoked”…

Under the matador’s new health care plan, prostate exams are particularly unpleasant. ENTER HERE! Maxim.com/contests* WIN THIS! Cambridge Audio Minx Air wireless speaker. Find the results at Maxim.com or in the April issue! *NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Open only to legal U.S. residents, 18 years or older. Contest begins January 1, 2014 and ends February 7, 2014. Odds of winning depend on number of eligible entries received. For entry and official rules with complete entry, eligibility, prize, and other details, go to www.maxim.com. Sponsored by Alpha Media Group Inc. NOVEMBER’S WINNER: “This is way more comfortable than Richard Gere’s hole.” —Robert Barish…

Listen to Strangers “Way back, a girl named Nicki from Austria won a meet-and-greet contest with me. She said, ‘Do you know your record is number one in my country?’ I immediately or ganized a trip overseas.” Harness the Power of Bikinis “Do a TV show with lots of sun and scantily clad girls. The weather is so bad in Europe, they’ll love it.” Pick a Winner “The one word that everyone in the world knows is freedom, so write a song about it. People in the U.S. have made such a joke of my appearance at the Berlin Wall, but it was like Woodstock over there.” Do Something Stupid “At one point in your life, make a personal tape that should never get out so people can look at…

Executive chef JEFF MICHAUD of Philly restaurant Osteria spins the city’s star sandwich into a boozy meat pie. We’re in love! THE CRUST Go with your favorite 10-inch frozen pizza crust (this recipe uses four), or go to Maxim.com to learn how to make pretzel dough. THE BEER CHEESE • 1 cup wheat beer • 3/4 lb. young Asiago cheese, chopped into small cubes • 4 oz. cream cheese • 1 tsp. cayenne pepper Bring the beer to a boil. Pulse the cheeses and cayenne pepper in a food processor until smooth. Slowly pour 3/4 of the beer in and let run for three minutes. Only add the rest of the beer if the mixture seems too thick. THE MEAT • 1 lb. pork sausage, casings removed and crumbled (Sorry,…

Don’t get it twisted: Check out the best hybrids of all time. JORTS Jean shorts have surged in popularity among men in recent years. Why? Because the sexiness of pale man-thighs will no longer be silenced! LIGER To say that no good comes out of animals in captivity humping outside their species would be a direct insult to Napoleon Dynamite’s favorite beast. CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY SOUP The soup that eats like a meal features all the fixin’s: meat, veggies, and a guaranteed desire to take a long nap after eating. CRONUT What do you get when you combine the sticky goodness of a donut with the flaky texture of a croissant? A line that stretches for 20 New York City blocks. SPORK How the spoon and the fork have managed to…

Leonardo da Vinci’s got nothin’ on Eva Longoria. Sure, the O.G. Renaissance Man may have painted the Mona Lisa, invent ed a bunch of crap, and helped Tom Hanks get a sweet movie role, but did he ever look so hot in his undies? We think not. The former Desperate Housewife couldn’t possibly have more going on—she’s an actress (the upcoming films Refugio, Any Day, and Frontera), a producer (the racy TV series Devious Maids, plus her company, UnbeliEVAble, has eight projects in development), and a philanthropist (she works extensively for Latino empowerment). That’s why we’re naming the titillating Texan our 2014 Woman of the Year. (And, hey, Leo, there’s always next year.) Congratulations on being our Woman of the Year! Thank you! It’s especially awesome after how long it’s…

Around this time of year, Hollywood will spend more than a few moments congratulating actors for “heroically” playing make-believe on film. Look, we at Maxim are movie lovers, but we’re here to raise a glass to folks who actually did something heroic. So join us as we toast everyday Americans who risked their lives to save others, pull off the impossible, and stick it to the man. THE GUSTATORY GLADIATOR Matt “Megatoad” Stonie No one gave this 125-pound 21-year-old much of a chance against legendary competitive eater Joey Chestnut, who outweighed his challenger by more than 100 pounds. But then Stonie ate 268 gyozas to Chestnut’s 251. Just imagine what he’ll do when he weighs more than an Olsen twin. AWOL AT AOL Eric Simons As a 19-year-old computer whiz…

You won the Medal of Honor for your actions at the Battle of Kamdesh. What was it like there? There would be firefights every other day, but we were relatively at ease. Still doing patrols, still getting shot at, but in a good position. What were you doing the day the attack began? I was sleeping. I started putting on my socks and boots and throwing my body armor on, and a sergeant says we need someone to man the machine gun. I said, “I got it.” I grabbed ammo and went out at a running start. At some point in the battle, you were wounded, right? There were five of us inside the guard position, which was an up-armored Humvee. An RPG sprayed the inside of the vehicle with…

The only piracy I’d ever been involved with previously involved the illegal downloading of a Gin Blossoms song. Now, however, here I am standing in the crow’s nest of the Walrus, the most feared ship to fly under the skull-and-crossbones in the entire Caribbean Sea. OK, so maybe the ship is a giant prop in a massive manmade water tank. And, well, perhaps I’m really in Cape Town, South Africa, on the set of the new Starz drama Black Sails. Still, I’m carrying a sword, I’ve got a sweet hat, and if you think I haven’t shouted, “Avast ye, mateys!” at least 10 times in the past hour, you’d be dead wrong. I’m here not only to observe what goes on during the production of an insanely over-the-top TV show…

When the dust settled on the field of battle at Maximum Warrior 4, Marine Corps vet Derek Hutchison had conquered all comers. Semper fi! For the fourth year in a row, Maxim assembled the American military’s most elite fighting forces to find the best of the best. Navy SEALs, Marine Force Recon and MARSOC, Army Special Forces, and USAF Pararescue went toe-to-toe in 10 challenges, testing their strength, agility, smarts, and, let’s be honest, insanity. But only one man could win, and that was former Marine Derek Hutchison. Here he tells us what it took to come out on top. Congrats on your win. How did the competition compare to serving in the field? It’s very realistic. It’s not like sports where you know the rules. In combat there are…

Sure, you may be game to go at it 24/7, but all guys have heard those two most dreaded words: “Not now.” “Everyone is tuned to enjoy sex the most at different times of the day,” says sex therapist Sari Cooper. “Our natural biorhythm determines when we’re in the mood, and there are benefits we can reap whether the sun is shining or the moon is out.” So here are some compelling arguments (backed by science!) to convince your girl that it should always be sex o’clock. RISE AND SHINE Getting out of bed is hard, but so are you. The reason most men tend to wake up physically ready to go is because blood circulation to the penis increases overnight. Instead of tucking it in your waistband and shuffling…

If the lady moaning next to me on the train this morning is any indication, people love their S&M. (I’m assuming she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey and not in need of medical assistance…although come to think of it, she wasn’t holding a book and was bleeding from the ears. Whoops, my bad, lady!) But still, pleasure and pain, that’s a thing. So to get your freaks off, I wanted to share the anguish our staff experienced while bringing you the ecstasy that is Maxim. During the production of this issue, I suffered a groin pull (I’ll never take you for granted again, groin), deputy editor David Swanson tore his ACL falling off a ladder, style editor Stan Williams got a splinter in his foot while trying on jeans,…

1 A man and a woman pretend they’re a married couple with children in order to lure a young, naive girl to Hawaii for a “family vacation.” 2 An injured ski instructor with a killer smile approaches a woman in a ski resort parking lot and asks if she can help him carry something to his car. 3 A man responds to a personal ad posted by a lonely, overbearing mother who wants help putting an end to her daughter’s promiscuous ways. 4 A professional photographer with a criminal past is let down after the girl he wins a date with on a popular television dating show decides he’s not the one. 5 A mentally unstable waitress kidnaps one of her customers at gunpoint and takes him to her family’s…

How would you spend your last day on Earth? Getting a porn-star-level blow job by a pretty girl in her church clothes as I launch my Formula 1 car off the Golden Gate Bridge Grand Theft Auto V style. They’ll never find my body, because a shark eats the wreckage, and Jay Z will make a song about it featuring R. Kelly. Do you have any deathbed confessions? I farted. It was me. It was always me. Will you be going to heaven or hell? Neither. I will always be here, just like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. What Pitch Perfect–esque a capella song will be playing over and over in hell? It’ll be a video of me from the movie singing Rihanna’s “Don’t Stop the Music,” and I won’t. The…

—Jared Castillo In a perfect world, it would function just long enough for us to flash a wink and say, “Hey, pretty lady, headed my way?” In real life, however, the world would be spared our last and final bad pun. “When the head is cut off, there is no more brain function. The source of life is switched off for good. It is a car without an engine,” says Yonas Zegeye, M.D., a West Palm Beach–area neurosurgeon. What about all those stories of people making faces after they’ve been decap itated? Dr. Zegeye explains, “A blink or a grimace after decapitation is just a reflex; it is not a sign of brain function.” So much for capturing a final flattering selfie! 45 MILLION Photos uploaded to Instagram daily. Ladies,…

former FBI spy-catcher and the author of What Every Body Is Saying, helps you determine whether your next-door neighbor is a secret Commie…or just a weirdo. HE TALKS FUNNY HIS 20s ARE A BLUR “You know they’ve been training, so there’s usually a four-to six-year period in their life that’s missing—generally from the time they’re 21 until they’re 27. Ask him where he was during those years. There’s also an absence of photographs from that precise period.” HE’S TOO SMART “These guys are usually very sharp, but they often don’t want a job that is high-profile or going to take up their time, because they need that time for their real work. So they’ll get a normal job. It’s like, ‘OK, you’re a parking lot attendant, but you know who…

START RIGHT NOW My coach Gary Bailey and his family were big pioneers of motocross, and as he got older he said, “Man, if I died now no one would have this, the history of my family and of the sport.” So he started looking back and did a full book, but it’s really hard to do a scrapbook after the actual moment has passed, because you miss so much. SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS Scrapping things besides photos can be tricky. At one point I vowed to hold on to the room key of every hotel I stayed in, and at the end I missed, like, 15, so it was pretty pointless. I’m setting the bar a little lower for my newborn daughter’s book, just aiming to keep the wristbands for…

Step one: Grow 10 inches. Step two: Listen in as CHANDLER PARSONS of the Houston Rockets runs you through his rim-rocking routine. 1 JUMP AROUND “Box jumps help boost your vertical leap. Set the box height to whatever level’s comfortable for you. Do four sets of 12 jumps. As you progress, you can add a weight vest or jump while holding dumbbells. Remember, the tighter your core, the better your results.” 2 GO HARD “When you’re going for a dunk, jump off one foot, bending the other in front of you as high as you can. Cock back the hand with the ball as you elevate and dunk as hard as possible. Dunking isn’t a finesse move; it’s a power move. Go full speed until you hit the rim.” 3…

Strap on the sweetest in winter sports gear, then get thy ass down a mountain. Leatherman Hail This belt-bound multitool means you can spend more time shreddin’ and less time waiting for some stoner to tighten your bindings. Its screwdriver, scraper, and wrench let you tune your board and even open brews. $25, leatherman.com GoPro Hero3+ Black Edition POV Camera Oh, snap—it’s the smallest and lightest GoPro yet. Not only can this spill-saver record ultra-high-def 4K footage before switching to an all-new wide-angle mode, but it also weighs 20 percent less than its predecessor. $400, gopro.com Ski-Doo Renegade Adrenaline E-TEC 800R Snowmobile He who rides the best snowmobile shall be crowned king of the mountain! This floater was born with an almost mutant ability to glide on snow and handling…

WARNING: The gritty pirate drama Black Sails features scenes of intense sword fighting, gratuitous swashbuckling, and insanely hot women. Jessica Parker Kennedy is the hottest of them all. H Helping all the scallywags on Starz’ new pirate drama, Black Sails, deal with their lousy lives is Max, a prostitute played by Jessica Parker Kennedy. Come ashore and meet the Charlie Hunnam–obsessed Canadian cutie. Black Sails is a much more realistic portrayal of the world of pirates than we’re used to. Pirates have been glamorized and romanticized, but Black Sails shows how dangerous it was. The deaths weren’t from dramatic sword fights—when a cannon was fired into the side of the ship, little splinters of wood would take your eye out. It’s frightening! Tell us about Max’s job. Since there are…

The rescue was a huge story. How have things changed for you? I’m really not doing anything different. I’ve been doing a little guest speaking. Women, they used to run away from me; now they run toward me. So I’m embracing it, you know what I mean? How have you been supporting yourself? You know what? There’s a whole bunch of things coming out with my name and likeness on them. I didn’t give permission for that. It’s not about no video game or action figure or nothing like that—it’s about girls not suffering anymore. I’m not a comic book hero; I’m a real person. I’m just a dude. When I did what I did, for some reason people think I became a millionaire. I’m still just a dishwasher, dude.…

Farm Animals Take the kids to a petting zoo and they’ll leave with many cherished memories—and possibly explosive diarrhea. That’s because in the animal kingdom, cows, pigs, and chickens cause the most human diseases, including E. coli, salmonella, swine flu, and mad cow disease. In 2012 the Centers for Disease Control reported at least 165 cases of people becoming infected with swine flu after rubbing up on pigs, and an E. coli outbreak at a Pennsylvania petting zoo in 2000 left 55 people sick, including one who required a kidney transplant. Keep that in mind the next time you have the urge to spoon with a chicken. Elmo His giggle isn’t the only infectious thing about him: Tickle Elmo and you could wind up in the hospital with lead poisoning.…

So is Inside the NBA as fun as it looks? We’re having more fun than that! I always tell people I wish we could put the behind-the-scenes stuff on the air, but we’d probably get arrested. Last year Shaq was always tackling everybody. I tried to tackle him back, but I couldn’t knock his big ass down. Well, he’s a pretty big guy. Shaq is the only guy I played against where I said, “Man, that’s a big fucking dude.” Before his last season, Kevin McHale was talking to Robert Parish and said, “Chief, do you see that guy? I think it’s time for us to think about retiring.” In person Shaq’s the biggest guy in the world, man. He’s huge. How do you think your teams in the ’80s…

2013 Hometown Hotties finalist MARYCARMEN is now taking your questions. How the hell did this twerking thing start? —James Sanders The real question is, how the hell do we make it stop? Can I keep my socks on during sex? —David Pope If you’re getting it on with a girl who’s concerned with your socks, she’s probably no fun anyway. Why do some women become cat ladies? —Danny Kim It makes perfect sense to me, considering that cats like to cuddle and they can also take care of themselves. What is the best anniversary gift? —Aron Sanchez First of all, be sure to remember the date! Once you’ve succeeded at that, plan something adventurous or try something that’s new for both of you, like skydiving together or taking a vacation…

P.4: Bare Knuckle Babes, RedSplash Photography/Mindflash Advertising p.6: Spider, Jerry Young/Getty p.7: Peyton Manning, Andy Lyons/Getty p.8: Man in wheelchair, RT Images/iStock p.12: Hilary Parry, George Courtney; Thomas John, Daniel Dottavio p.13: Zombie pinups, Jessica Rajs; Bare Knuckle Babes, RedSplash Photography/Mindflash Advertising; Accordion Babes, Vibeke Erichsen; pushpin, Sylvain Sonnet/Getty; kegerator Pro 60, Sean Seymour/358 Studios p.14: 101 Places to Get F*cked Up Before You Die, courtesy of St. Martin’s Press p.18: Edy Ganem, Danika Singfield p.20: White Russian, courtesy of Kahlua; KGB Bar, Robin Greene p.22: Borat, 20th Century Fox/Everett Collection; selfie girl, Emreogan/iStock p.23: Jim Gaffigan, Ralph Notaro/Corbis Images; pretzel, Stockcam/Getty; Spanish bull, Jon Nazca/Reuters; albino wallaby, Newspix/Getty p.26: Adam Savage and Jamie Hyne man, John M. Heller/Getty; David Hasselhoff, Universal TV/Everett Collection p.28: Travis Pastrana, John Harrelson/Getty; Addy…