Table of contents for September 2015 in Esquire

Dear Papa Francesco, Around my neck I wear a medal that belonged to my uncle, Father Michael G. Pierce, S.J. He was a prominent Jesuit of the New England Province, which I realize is pretty well down the pecking order from where you’re sitting these days, but it still made him a pretty big deal in the Society, as he called it. I grew up with him, and with the Jesuits of his generation. These included Father Finnegan, a onetime Navy chaplain who, as far as I knew, was the leading clerical expert on the New York City gang wars of the 1950s. At various family gatherings, which Finnegan used to attend as an honorary member of the family, I learned that when arguing anything with the members of the…

SCOTT RAAB: If you smoke, I can smoke, right? KEITH RICHARDS: Be my guest. If you’re gonna smoke anything else, we’ll bring in the incense. SR: I brought a miniature joint, but I’m not thrusting it upon you. I just thought it would be wrong to meet you and not bring a little something. KR: Well, then, let’s get into this thing and see. We might want to take a break. SR: I don’t want to put you in any kind of position. KR: Absolutely not. I’ve been in every position possible, and I’ve always gotten out of it. SR: How are you holding up on the [Stones] tour? KR: I can handle the show. In the ’60s, it was 20 minutes, in and out. Now it’s two hours. I…

ON YOUR TABLET AND GET EVEN MORE GREAT STUFF ESQUIRE ’S BIG BLACK BOOK—FREE FUNNY VIDEOS! BONUS PHOTOS OF WOMEN WE LOVE! INTERACTIVE FEATURES DELIVERED BEFORE ISSUES HIT NEWSSTAND! TRYIT TODAY AT DEAL.ESQUIRE.COM THIS IS ESQUIRE DIGITAL Completely reimagined for your tablet: Experience our moving covers; watch a beautiful woman tell you a funny joke; take an interactive quiz; see exclusive outtakes from photo shoots; enhance your skills with instructional videos; get even more out of Esquire.…

I haven’t been down there in a while, but there’ve been no reports of suspicious activity— no unauthorized comings and goings or anything. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll put a man on it. Of the six expert-offered reasons for your wife’s sudden erotic relocation, all are disturbing and one is also disheartening. It seems that age, excess weight, childbirth, or any combination thereof—I don’t know what you guys get up to over there—can change the shape of the vagina and its environs. “Things have had a lot of pressure on them and have been kind of stretched out,” says Dr. Shireen Madani Sims of the University of Florida College of Medicine. “A little bit of the bladder can hang down into the vagina, the uterus sits down lower…

It wasn’t hard for Ted Danson to make it to the interview for this story. All he had to do was take the elevator down from his room at the Greenwich Hotel and meet in the restaurant connected to the lobby. An inside job that was only slightly bungled—Danson got confused and dawdled instead in the lounge on the other side of the building. When he shows up at Locanda Verde, only 12 minutes behind schedule, he’s unnecessarily apologetic. These things happen. Danson’s gray hair is neatly swept back, and even though he was just moseying down from his room, he put on a blazer over his black polo. He’d gotten into New York at 1:00 AM the previous night and is still on L.A. time, but he looks refreshed.…

KEY WORDS: TEXTURED. MEATY. NOT A TON OF STRUCTURE. 1. THE CARDIGAN JACKET: Not a swacket, exactly, but an unlined, deconstructed jacket that essentially doubles as a tailored sweater. They’re all over the place this fall, and this version, a linen-wool-andsilk blend, hits the sweet spot between work and play. By Canali ($1,925). 2. THE MICROPLAID: In smaller-patterned jackets like this cotton-and-wool-blend two-button, a raised texture sharpens the color and shading contrasts in the pattern and keeps things from getting muddy. By Luigi Bianchi Mantova (price upon request). 3. THE BIG PLAID: A man can wear a big pattern, and a man can wear a bold color, but a man cannot wear a big pattern and a bold color. When blowing it out (with, say, a big-ass windowpane plaid), stick…

First, a question: Do you wash your feet? As in, while showering, do you lift them up or crouch or sit cross-legged on the shower floor in your sailor cap* and scrub them with soap? (Do not confuse these with just splashing them around.) Many people—Olympic endurance athletes included—forget this basic hygienic process, which would rid them of, say, three quarters of their problems. However, you can do more. Your shoes Everyone: Stagger two pairs. It takes more than a day for the sweat in your shoes to dry, but most day-jobbers allow about half that between wears. Dampness accumulates, making your shoes a lovely château for bacteria, which smell, or fungi, which itch. If needed, try common talcum powder, too—or in dire circumstances, a high-caliber antiperspirant like Certain Dri…

YOU’RE SITTING ACROSS FROM MILES TELLER AT THE Luminary restaurant in Atlanta and trying to figure out if he’s a dick. ¶ You’ve just told him, by way of making conversation, that according to legend the champagne coupe in your hand is shaped like Marie Antoinette’s left breast, and he tells you the highball glass is modeled after his cock. Then he tells the waitress the same thing. He is wearing a pool-blue V-neck that shows off the Roman-numeral tattoo on his arm, a reference to the thirty-two-ounce beers his high school friends were forced to buy because forties were not available in Florida. He explains that everyone in the “32 Crew” got this tattoo after a night at the High Octane Saloon from a man they bribed out of…

Style, p. 95: Brioni coat, jacket, sweater, shirt, and trousers, brioni.com. Thom Browne shoes, thombrowne.com. P. 96: Jackets: Canali, canali.com. Luigi Bianchi Mantova, lubiam.it. Etro, etro.com. Bonobos, bonobos.com. Freemans Sporting Club, freemanssportingclub.com. P. 98: Shoes: Johnston & Murphy, johnstonmurphy.com. John Lobb, johnlobb.com. Church’s, church-footwear.com. Bally sneakers, bally.com. Aldo boots, aldoshoes.com. AG jeans, agjeans.com. CWST trousers, eastdane.com. 34 Heritage pants, 34heritage.com. P. 100: Sweaters: Oliver Spencer, oliverspencer.co.uk. Pringle of Scotland, pringlescotland.com. Saturdays NYC, saturdaysnyc.com. Banana Republic, bananarepublic.com. Paul Smith, paulsmith. co.uk. Massimo Alba, carsonstreetclothiers.com. P. 104: Jackets: Herno, bloomingdales.com. Gap, gap.com. Façonnable, faconnable.com. Woolrich John Rich & Bros. coat, woolrich.com. Eidos Napoli coat, gentrynyc.com. P. 106: Luigi Bianchi Mantova coat, nomanwalksalone.com. L.B.M. 1911 jacket, lubiam. it. Michael Kors turtleneck, michaelkors.com. Levi’s jeans, levi.com. Allen Edmonds boots, allenedmonds.com. Paul Smith belt, paulsmith.co.uk.…

I suffered an irreparable tear in my most useful pair of trousers a week or so ago. They were aging (probably my third summer in them), but they were the perfect shade of blue to pair with the three suit jackets in different shades of blue that I am in the habit of wearing in the warmer months. When a minor tragedy like this befalls us, it occasions not just an alteration in routine but also a reassessment of our relationship with our clothing. Clothing is fundamental. Every morning, we get up and put something on. We dress differently for nearly every activity we engage in. Only rarely do we throw something on with absolutely no thought. There’s always a decision involved, a calculation of what the day holds and…

Nickname: Keef Which evolved from: Family nickname “Cousin Beef” Date of birth: December 18, 1943 Which makes him: 71 Though he would argue: That he’s “been conscious for at least three lifetimes.” Based on the logic that: “For many years [he] slept, on average, twice a week.” A claim all the more impressive when you consider: He says he wrote the “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” guitar riff in his sleep. Hometown: Dartford, England Where he: Attended primary school with Mick Jagger. Primary occupation: Guitarist and cosongwriter for the Rolling Stones. Lesser-known gigs: Choirboy; children’sbook author; solo musician. Speaking of . . . : Richards will release a new solo album, Crosseyed Heart, September 18. The making of which: You’ll be able to watch in an original Netflix documentary this…

> The History Lesson Format: [Surname/Sir]! I haven’t seen a [mistake] that bad since [historical reference learned in high school]! Example: Sir! I haven’t seen a call that bad since Alexander Graham Bell said, “Mr. Watson, come here! I want to see you!” > The Unassuming Query Format: Hey, [surname]! [Icebreaker question]? [Clarification]. I’m genuinely curious! Example: Hey, Watt! What’s your desert-island book list? Pick five. I’m genuinely curious! > The Unexpected Praise Format: Hey, [surname]! Your [most groomed body part] [praise] today! It’s like [said part of ’90s-yet-still-relevant actress] made love with [ditto current cultural figure]! [Praise]! Example: Hey, Holt! Your hair looks splendid today! It’s like Claire Danes’s locks made love with the mane of American Pharoah! Well done! THE INFORMED EXIT STRATEGY • Plan. Read the transportation directions, stadium maps,…

Some call it charm. Some call it swagger. You just know style when you see it. And today’s luxurious trend of dressing down well isn’t lost on the rising crop of tastemakers, from artists and photographers to chefs and DJs. Here, they detail their daring journeys and how they sport looks from a capsule collection exclusively curated by style icon Nick Wooster from nine emerging menswear designers’ Fall/Winter 2015 lines shown at NY Men’s Day. The individual looks—styled by Wooster and selected for the influential creators by Esquire Fashion Director Nick Sullivan—reflect the best of fall fashion, and are available for every man of style to own on Gilt.com this month. BRENMAR DJ / Producer From his native ChiTown to his present BedStuy, DJ Brenmar’s beats have been labeled “addictive.”…

KEY WORDS: VERSATILE. PERFORMANCE-DRIVEN. WAIT, IS THAT A WING TIP? YEAH, WE DIDN’T THINK SO. 1. THE MEDIUM-BROWN OXFORD: As versatile as versatile gets, with a comfortable rubber sole rendered to look like a refined leather sole. By Johnston & Murphy ($155). 2. WHAT IN THE IS A PLIMSOLL? Not quite a sneaker, a plimsoll is a casual canvas or suede shoe with a thin rubber sole. This beige suede plimsoll from John Lobb is a grown-up alternative to a pair of Vans or other casual kicks. By John Lobb ($670). 3. THE BASIC BLACK DERBY: If you’re going for a simple black shoe, don’t forget the simple part. This derby from Church’s is crafted from a single piece of leather that has no marks or flaws, no toe caps…

LOW/HIGH: Start with your everyday casual basics and finish them off by adding one or more formal articles of clothing, like a blazer or leather lace-ups. 1. Double-breasted wool coat ($1,300) by Luigi Bianchi Mantova. 2. Three-button wool-blend jacket ($995) by L.B.M. 1911. 3. Wool turtleneck ($145) by Michael Kors. 4. Cotton jeans ($78) by Levi’s. 5. Leather boots ($295) by Allen Edmonds. 6. Leather belt ($195) by Paul Smith. HIGH/LOW: Start with your business-meeting best and swap leather sneakers for your dress shoes and/or a ghost tie for your actual tie. You’re still wearing a suit, but you’re wearing it your way. Big difference. 1. Three-button wool-blend coat ($3,190) by Dunhill. 2. Two-button wool-mohair suit ($2,500) by Dunhill. 3. Cotton-and-silk shirt ($430) by Dunhill. 4. Leather sneakers ($350) by…

SIMON SPURR SIPS PILSNER from a tall glass in the back room of the Polo Bar in New York, the latest addition to Ralph Lauren’s vast empire. Spurr surveys the painted ponies that hang on the wall and sinks deep into the leather banquette. Though the restaurant is only a block south from Spurr’s office at Kent & Curwen, an English heritage brand for whom he serves as creative director, it’s his first time here. Sorta. “I’ve never actually set foot inside,” he says, “but I know this world well enough.” He’s speaking doubly. From 2003 to 2005, Spurr was the men’s design director for Ralph Lauren’s Purple Label, the house’s most prestigious line, meeting with Lauren every Tuesday and Thursday to discuss the collection. He breathed in Lauren’s universe…

A MENTORSHIP PROGRAM WITH MENSWEAR DESIGNER BILLY REID ESQUIRE FASHION DIRECTOR NICK SULLIVAN AWARD-WINNING MUSICIAN JOHN LEGEND Along with raw talent it takes fearless drive, bold tenacity and one big break to make it in men’s fashion. That’s why AXE has partnered with American menswear designer Billy Reid, Esquire Fashion Director Nick Sullivan and award-winning musician John Legend to create the AXE WHITE LABEL COLLECTIVE. There’s no instruction manual to tell you how to become a successful designer, no guide laying out the exact route needed. For many, this is what makes taking the leap to the next career level so exciting - being able to pave your own path. But with this freedom to explore unknown territories, the danger of making mistakes is also much higher. This is where…

It probably started when he published Freedom and the cover of Time branded him “Great American Novelist” without the courtesy of a clarifying The or A. And it is rich, considering how valiantly he fought the Oprah imprimatur on The Corrections in the name of . . . what, exactly? Yet here he is in 2015, Jonathan Franzen, our nation’s most middlebrow writer, read dutifully by the righteous Starbucks masses and begrudgingly respected by serious minds alike. The man himself, in a talk at Harvard in 2008, once described the dichotomy between those who read because it’s “the right thing to do” and those motivated by headier impulses, and to the latter group, the ones nose deep in whatever experimental Hungarian writer The New York Review of Books is pushing…

The game is zero-sum. There is your team— the us—and a rival team— the them—and only one wins. Swept up in the fervor, surrounded by your clan, and challenged by helmet-wearing meatballs and their barbaric groupies, you may lose yourself. Or, as Mina Cikara, director of the Intergroup Neuroscience Lab at Harvard, explains, the parts of your prefrontal cortex responsible for your moral compass get inhibited, making you less able to reflect on how you are right now in a mob of red shirts rushing at blue shirts. “You only have so much cognitive capacity, and when you’re distracted by what’s going on around you, it gets harder to engage in self-referential thought.” If this happens, stop yourself, question your actions, and dissuade your clan. We listen to fellow members.…

AS TOLD BY MIA MAESTRO A MAN CAME HOME ONE DAY to find a note his wife had left on the refrigerator that said: “It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. Gone to stay with my sister.” He opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. He scratched his head and said, “What the hell is she talking about?” ABOUT THE JOKESTER: You might want to work on your dance moves. Because if you happen to run into (and befriend) Argentine singer and actress Mia Maestro while out in Buenos Aires, the first places she’ll want to visit are “the amazing milongas”— or, for those who also need to work on their Spanish, “tango dance halls.” The 37-yearold found an unusual application for her own…

THE MAN: The Michelin-starred chef behind 17 restaurants and bars around the world is bringing his Cool Britannia eats to the U. S. for the first time with his new restaurant, the Clocktower, in New York. For more on Atherton’s global tastes, go to esquire.com/atherton. THE CLOTHES: What we have here are four layers of high-quality fall clothing, and if the sweater and coat seem premature in these late-summer lazy days, we’ve got news for you: Fall is coming. Over the following pages, we’ve got the best of what’s arriving in stores, so for stocking up, upgrading, and splurging, look no further…

OUR FASHION DIRECTOR WILL NOW TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS Fig. 1 I have $2,000. What’s the best watch in my price range—something I can wear anywhere, forever? BRIAN TANNER COLUMBUS, OHIO This year has been kind to watch lovers on a budget, as plenty of brands have been providing quality watches at good prices. Start with Oris’s retro Divers Sixty-Five [Fig. 1, $1,850] or TAG Heuer’s Formula 1 McLaren limited edition ($1,550), which celebrates 30 years of TAG Heuer’s collaboration with the F1 race team. If you’re into something slimmer, try Oris’s limited-edition Thelonius Monk ($1,900), the latest in its ongoing jazz-legends series. I’ve developed a bit of a gut recently and feel a little self-conscious about it. What can I wear to de-emphasize my belly? I mean, other than Spanx…

I HEAR OF THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE, the fabric of society, the fabric of this and of that. The only fabric that means a thing is the fabric of my underwear. And right now the fabric of my underwear faces uncertainty. Zimmerli of Switzerland has been bought by a venture-capital group, and the thirty-two Richelieu Rib undershirts that were turned out each day, and the Richelieu Rib boxer-briefs, are to be no more. Remaining stock is in the possession of Alexander Kabbaz, purveyor of my socks and underwear. I’ve been trying to buy out all the Richelieu Rib underwear that fits me, but it’s not a cheap quest. Maybe the nice lady who offers custom-made guayaberas at Dos Carolinas in San Antonio thinks I’m crazy. I can’t see or…