Globe August 15, 2016

CALIFORNIA STEAMIN’ Forget trying to “Hold On” to her grocery bags, CARNIE WILSON should let go of that hideous dad sweater! It’s SUMMER! TROUBLE IN PARADISE A romantic setting can’t hide that GEORGE CLOONEY looks bored with gorgeous wifey AMAL CLOONEY! Quick Amal, slip him some NoDoz! RUMER HAS IT “Ugly is to the bone,” declares RUMER WILLIS’ T-shirt, which is fitting — considering how uninspired and “over it” she looks! ON THE DOT Only BEYONCÉ could make a reversible shower curtain look fashionable — no wonder she’s queen of the Beyhive! ORAL REPORT We can all breathe easy knowing that flossing enthusiast MARK WAHLBERG takes his hygiene seriously! TOTALLY CHEESY Think actor-turned-schlubby pizza delivery boy DAVID ARQUETTE can get a leading role in 30 minutes or less?…

BELOVED Pope Francis is losing his battle with lung disease and only has months to live! That’s the terrible news sweeping the Vatican after the 79-year-old pontiff shockingly collapsed in Poland while celebrating a mass. Sources say the leader of the Roman Catholic Church, who only has one lung, was “huffing and puffing when he appeared to miss a step as he wobbled down from the altar.” Priests rushed to help Francis back to his feet as he “struggled to stand in his long, heavy official robe,” the source says. Official word from the Vatican is “the pope is fine,” but sources believe the end is near and insist Francis “suffered a dizzy spell” before he collapsed. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he was gone before next March,” says a…

FORGET the divorce papers! It looks like Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have found the way to save their marriage — baby No. 4! Despite wearing a loose summer dress, the actress couldn’t hide a telltale bump as she took her three children to church on July 24. “She looked so pregnant!” says an eyewitness. “The flowing frock failed to disguise her fuller stomach area.” In the year since the couple split, no divorce papers have been filed, and friends have been whispering about a reconciliation for weeks. “Now they’re expecting an announcement very soon that Jen is pregnant,” says a source. “She’s always wanted another child with Ben. Ever since the breakup, she’s gushed publicly about how he is the love of her life. “She let him move into…

CUNNING killer O.J. Simpson used his sleazy charm and celebrity status to sweet-talk guards and gain their trust — as he was tunneling his way out of prison! That’s the shocking story leaked to GLOBE from inside the walls of Nevada’s Lovelock Correctional Center where the disgraced football star — who butchered ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman — is now serving 9 to 33 years for a 2007 Las Vegas kidnapping and armed robbery. A source tells GLOBE, Simpson began plotting his escape shortly after being caged eight years ago — and posed as a “model prisoner” with good behavior to con prison officials and guards! Amazingly, Simpson schmoozed his way into becoming a big shot with the prison’s softball team as a setup for his…

A MYSTERIOUS blue light hovering above Miami International Airport in the night sky provoked fears of an alien attack! Terrified airport workers reached for their cameras after spotting what appeared to be a giant UFO in the sky. “Check that out. Whoa! It’s going to hit the plane!” a man shouts during footage of the strange whaleshaped plume looming in the sky. The footage, taken last September has provoked rampant speculation on the internet. “Invasion from space,” declares one worried watcher. “It’s a possible comet fragment with a high content of water and frozen gases,” says a theorist. Another says the plume “is from a hydrogen-powered rocket engine, water vapor condenses in the high altitude forming a cloud of ice crystals reflecting light from the sun, which, from this viewpoint,…

SHOCKING documents reveal the CIA used mind-control experiments to create trained killers in real-life scenarios frighteningly similar to the plots powering Jason Bourne movies! A top-secret project, launched in 1953, was known as MKUltra and involved 149 experiments. One involved administering LSD to a mental patient every day for 179 days straight! Others involved trying to program assassins and use mind control on foreign leaders! As Jason Bourne, Matt Damon plays a secret agent who’s lost his identity after being subjected to mind-control experiments by the CIA. While the agency tried to destroy some of its sinister ‘50s studies, many experiments later came to light. In one, a hypnotized woman was ordered to “fly into a rage and shoot” another hypnotized woman if she did not wake up. Unable to…