Table of contents for June 2014 -July 2014 in Esquire

FATHERHOOD 2014 PAGE 90 STRAIGHT OUT OF DORCHESTER Mark Wahlberg runs Hollywood, it seems, as both a producer and actor. But it's running four happy and healthy California kids that might be Marky Mark's most unlikely achievement. BY MIKE SAGER PAGE 96 THE ESQUIRE GUIDE: FATHERHOOD FOR MEN Guest host Patton Oswalt leads us through a special manual on how and why to teach your kids to fix a car, cook, be a good sport, and pick the right wrench. Plus: Road trips that will actually make you like your kids more. PAGE 108 THE TROUBLE WITH BOYS/THE TROUBLE WITH MEN The Boy Crisis, Eight Years Later: The increasing educational and social dysfunction among boys was just emerging when we wrote about it in 2006. Now many of those boys…

NO. 12 THIS LETTER "DEAR BOBBY, I HATE TO BOTHER YOU AGAIN, BUT I'VE BECOME SICK WITH ALL THE TROUBLE I'VE HAD RECENTLY… . YOU SAVED MY LIFE LAST SUMMER, AND I HOPE YOU WILL DO IT AGAIN NOW. YOU ARE AN ANGEL, AND YOU ALWAYS WERE. LOVE, DAD" —ROBERT DE NIRO SR. WRITING TO ROBERT DE NIRO JR. WHILE LIVING IN FRANCE IN THE '60S, WHEN HIS ART CAREER WAS FLOUNDERING As an American soccer fan born and bred, I'm looking forward to this as maybe the most promising Cup ever. Here are my reasons. —JOHN KENNEY THE GROUP OF DEATH There's always a Group of Death—a group of first-round opponents so formidable it's like a gladiators' arena: tough for anyone to make it out alive. This time, the…

NO. 23 A REFRESHER ON PROPER OGLING 1. Never rest your gaze on the person you wish to appreciate. It should appear as if she walked between you and what you were really trying to look at, like the Jersey Boys ad on that bus. 2. No whistling, sighing, or guttural noises. 3. If you are wearing sunglasses, realize that it doesn't make a difference. 4. Don't forget to keep walking, preferably out of the path of that bus. NO. 24 YOU CAN HAVE SEX WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP? Yes, it is my preferred method. Sleep-related abnormal sexual behaviors, or "sexsomnia," as they are collectively and colloquially known, are involuntary sexual behaviors performed while asleep and often to mixed reviews. Sexsomnia is a parasomnia, like sleepwalking or teeth grinding, and should,…

The reason The Endless Summer became an enduring classic (aside from, you know, the carefree globe-trotting and pioneering surfing skills) is the dudes in the 1966 movie were cresting waves in seriously stylish swim trunks. Today, thanks to a slew of brands—from the usual mall suspects to Italian designers better known for blazers than board shorts—taking cues from the film and turning out more classically minded swimwear, the era of hulking board shorts hanging below our knees is officially over. Instead, we now have trim, fitted trunks in sturdy, quick-drying fabrics (such as polyamide and cotton-polyester blends) that go from beach to bar easily. There are plenty of options to suit your body type and plans for the day, and surfing, as ever, is optional. Nylon-blend swim trunks ($69)…

The Unnatural Dad: An introduction We are flawed and fallen, us fathers. Most of us start the process of growing new people with at least a few strong inclinations for how we mean to do it, or deficits in our own fathers that we mean to correct, but then, mere mortals that we are, we fail at it, daily. Case in point: So there I was on the tot lot—that's playground talk—doing my best to build a sand castle with my son, who was a little guy at the time. Lots of bedrooms and a real moat—we don't mess around. After we were done sand-castling, we were going to break in our new baseball gloves, but then I looked over at my boy and noticed he was gazing longingly at…

Gordy Gronkowski, the patriarch of those very same Gronkowskis, America's First Family of Smashmouth Football, the man who somehow parlayed five orgasms into 1,258 pounds of relentless physical force—a first baseman, two tight ends, and two fullbacks—the first father in twenty years to see three of his sons play during a single NFL season, and the first father in nearly thirty years with an even-money chance to see a fourth, might have gone after it a little hard last night. He spent the evening and a good chunk of this morning in downtown Buffalo, watching his alma mater, the Orange of Syracuse, lose by two points to Dayton in the NCAA tournament, and suddenly it's obvious how his sons learned to shake off disappointment by laying waste themselves and one…

The Heavenly Father was interviewed after dinner on a Sunday > What is this about? Uh huh. Uh huh. Sure, whatever. So, it goes "the Father" first, right? Then "maker of heaven and earth." Think about that. Career comes second. That's huge. Look, I'm proud of my success, but nothing is more important than the role of, you know, Dad. And … Here we go … Can you give me a moment here? I get emotional about this stuff. > Seven billion. I love them all. Do I like them all? Next question. > Anyway, tip number one: Save all the baby clothes. Because, trust me, you never know. > Smite 'em. Smite. Them. They'll never learn to fear you otherwise. Not all the time. Just keep it in your…

INSIDE: 28 MEN, WOMEN, SMOKE, SOCCER, BRAZIL, MOVIES, NOTIONS, A VERY FAMOUS ACTOR, AND A VERY FAMOUS ACTOR'S DAD—ALL OF WHICH WILL DEFINE YOUR MONTH 01 Sunday breakfast at a café on the Upper West Side. After a couple minutes of small talk about the silliness of drinking water out of a wineglass and the tendency of waiters to interrupt when you're in the middle of telling a story … SCOTT RAAB: Is celebrity a burden to you? JERRY SEINFELD: No. SR: It's not? JS: C'mon. Are you kidding me now? You live in America. What's the hierarchy of power in America? What's the gold card? SR: Can you live a normal life? Can you be a dad? Can you go to the movies? JS: Every single thing, yes. Everything…

No. 13 The Incredible Makeshift Backyard Smoker IF YOU DO NOT HAPPEN TO BE, SAY, A FIFTH-GENERATION BARBECUE PITMASTER WHO LIVES IN THE DEEP SOUTH AND GREW UP, YOU KNOW, SMOKIN' HOGS, YOU STILL CAN SMOKE DELICIOUS, TENDER, RICH, SMOKY MEAT AND FISH USING THE GRILL YOU ALREADY OWN As practiced by Native Americans, the long, slow smoking of food to foster dehydration was a preservation technique necessary to bridge nature's annual gap between summer abundance and late-winter scarcity. But unless you're a new survivalist, smoking is no longer about food storage; it's about food flavor, a modified cooking process that can add depth and dimension to smaller cuts of meat and fish. In recent years, a bunch of designated smokers has hit the market, some with computer-controlled settings that…

NO. 27 EVEN MORE MONEY Two public companies, Gogo, Inc. and Global Eagle Entertainment Inc., provide airlines with the technology for in-flight WiFi. Neither has much operating history or turned a profit yet, and the "best" technology has not been established. But both have contracts with major airlines. The profit-making potential for this niche is large. —K. K. 28 Moving people from place to place by airplane is a marvel of technology and ambition. But it's the worst business in history. One might think airlines should be rolling in cash. They provide an essential service. There is no substitute. There will be no substitute for at least several decades. There is little competition and that competition is declining. There are huge barriers to entry and nearly unlimited freedom in pricing.…

Before you worry about your hair products, you should understand your hair. Each hair shaft is covered in interlocking layers that form the cuticle. The more layers you have (based on factors like genetics and age), the thicker your hair is and the more easily it holds the shape you give it. Each hair follicle has its own sebaceous gland, which pumps oil onto the hair shaft, keeping it soft and moisturized—if you've been treating yourself right. Hair can easily dry out from things like too much sun and cheap shampoo. If you're curious about what you're dealing with, pull out a hair and put it in a bowl of water. If it's dry and damaged, it'll sink, which shouldn't worry you. Just use a paste or grooming cream, both…

A WORD OF INTRODUCTION WANDERING "I'm a little worried about boys." Tom Chiarella wrote that sentence in a story Esquire ran eight years ago this month. In it, he sounded an alarm about the state of boys in America. Tom had noticed that on the campus of the college where he was teaching, boys were in a distinct minority, fewer every year. And when we looked into it, we found that only 42 percent of college students across America were male. Which meant that the overwhelming majority of the people who were taking the most common first step toward success in America were not young men. This seemed like a forbidding omen. We looked further and, as Chiarella wrote at the time, the situation was dire: "If you are a…

> Frank Guidara, my dad, taught me about loyalty—the idea that when you commit yourself to something or someone, you never look back. When I was six, my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer, and by the time I was twelve, she became a quadriplegic. Never once did his commitment to her waver. He would work fourteen-hour days but made it a priority to take care of her (getting her ready in the morning, putting her to bed at night), to take care of others (being an empathetic leader at work), and to take care of me (quizzing me on my homework, teaching me how to be a good man). His energy and love astound me. —Will Guidara, 34, restaurateur, New York City When I was eighteen, I was shifting…

A FRENCH SPY, a German spy, and an Italian spy are captured, have their hands bound, and are interrogated. After two hours, the French spy gives up all his secrets. After four, the German spy tells the captors everything. After 24 hours, the Italian spy still won't talk and is thrown into a cell with the others. The German and French spies, impressed, ask him how he managed not to cave. The Italian spy replies, "I wanted to, but I couldn't move my hands." ABOUT THE JOKESTER: Chloe Bennet grew up on the South Side of Chicago but spent part of her teenage years as a pop star in Asia. (Her dad is Chinese.) "That was like my high school job. Some people work at Subway. I happened to do…

Father's Day is June 15. But you knew that. This year, give your dad something that, even if he doesn't like it, you know you will. And don't forget to call. NO. 17 A WORLD-CUP LEXICON (See page 34.) Nutmeg v: To dribble the ball between an opponent's legs, the ultimate humiliation. Upper 90 n: Corner of the goal formed by crossbar and post; where you want your shot to go. Catenaccio n: An enragingly defensive-minded strategy, from the Italian word for "door bolt." Tiki-taka n: A short-passing style epitomized by Spain; as annoying as its name implies. MERIWETHER OF MONTANA MINIMALIST LAMP Handmade from Pennsylvania walnut, with a woven-cloth cord, antique-style plug, and bright Edison bulb. He'll appreciate the craftsmanship even if he doesn't know where to put it.…

The New Saloons TWO-BIT SALOONS, REALLY. THEY'RE ALL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME. AND THAT'S WONDERFUL. BY DAVID WONDRICH Back before Prohibition, if you gave the bartender a quarter, in most saloons he'd hand you back a cocktail plus either 15 cents change or a token good for a second drink. In a few bars, though, all you'd get for your two bits was the cocktail. From Bangor to Bakersfield, Seattle to Sarasota, a "two-bit saloon" (how that modifying phrase came to mean the opposite of what it meant back then we'll never know) was a place where the glassware was clean, the liquors genuine, the decor rich in mahogany and brass, and the bartenders skilled in the fine art of mixing manhattans and juleps, punches, fizzes, and pousse-cafés. Every town…

Mark and Brendan Wahlberg. A guy walks into his doctor's office with a sore throat. "You gotta help me, doc," says Mark Wahlberg to his ear-nose-and-throat man, who is wearing an old-school head mirror, cocked jauntily to one side like a crooked tiara. "I've been feeling crappy, but I can't afford to get sick right now—I've got sooo much going on." Wahlberg's brow crinkles, he issues a piteous face. A dead-end kid impossibly grown up to be a Hollywood mogul, he still knows how to lay it on a little thick. Once called Marky Mark, a rapper known for dropping trou—a bit of exuberant stagecraft that propelled him to fame as a poster boy for Calvin Klein underwear—he is now forty-three. Married to ex-model Rhea Durham, he is the father…

1. THE CRISIS OF FATHERHOOD IS REAL The brute facts: The number of American families without fathers has grown from 10.3 percent in 1970 to 24.6 percent in 2013;* that percentage has more or less been stable over the past few years, at about a quarter of all families, with 17.5 million children currently fatherless in the United States. At the same time, those who are fathers, those who stay with their children, have taken on the role with an unprecedented intensity. American fatherlessness is a national disaster and, according to the latest research into its effects, more of a disaster than anybody could have imagined. 2. FATHERHOOD MEANS MORE THAN ANYBODY THINKS The new fatherhood, and the new fatherlessness, are reshaping contemporary life, from its most intimate aspects to…

SWINGING BY THE HARDWARE STORE. DROPPING SHIRTS OFF AT THE DRY CLEANER. BREAKFAST WITH THE KIDDOS. SATURDAYS ARE GOOD FOR A GREAT MANY THINGS, BUT DRESSING LIKE THE WORST VERSION OF YOURSELF SHOULDN'T BE ONE OF THEM. Suede jacket ($3,695) and cotton chambray shirt ($450) by Ralph Lauren Purple Label; glasses by Ray-Ban. Photographed at Bar Tabac. (All locations in Brooklyn.) TIP No. 1 INVEST IN A LIGHTWEIGHT JACKET (LEATHER, COTTON, MAYBE EVEN SUEDE OR SILK) THAT YOU CAN THROW ON OVER A BASIC TEE FOR AN INSTANT UPGRADE. BONUS POINTS IF THE COLOR OR TEX-TURE POPS. Leather jacket ($2,375) and cotton shirt ($415) by Dolce & Gabbana. On her: Sweater by Burberry Brit. Photographed at Nightingale 9. TIP No. 2 WHITE JEANS? ABSOLUTELY. BUT DON'T FORGET THE CHARMS OF…